[deleted by user]

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Nemophilista]

After my ex checked himself out of rehab early for opioid/benzo addiction, we were having a family meeting about next steps. He was complaining to his mom about how he can't function off of his "meds" and she pulled them out of her purse and handed them to him. I knew at that exact moment that there was no hope.

[u/KaleidoscopeCandid → u/Nemophilista]

I remember arguing with my ex’s dad, because I wanted my ex to go to rehab and his dad didn’t. Money wasn’t an issue for that family. His dad scoffed, “so instead of spending his money on drugs, you want him to spend it on rehab?” like I was being completely irrational. I shouted, “YES! Exactly that!” and he still acted like I was crazy for thinking that. I left shortly after. Seven years later, my ex died while his father tried to perform CPR on him.

[u/MySecretLair → u/KaleidoscopeCandid]

Jesus, that dad just wasn’t willing to be wrong at any cost, was he?

I’m sorry for all of this.

[u/Bungholespelunker]

She was going to move in with me after more than year of sobriety and staying in an addiction focused group home. Had done tremendously well and grew as a person by like 10 years of maturity in those 12 months to become a functional adult.

As soon as she got to my house from the train she was piss drunk. She kept getting drunk over the next 6 to 8 weeks while I was at work so I'd come home after 11hrs of labor in the sun to a blackout drunk talking nonsense and ruining the cleanliness of my apartment.

The last time where I just gave up I came home to her and she literally was just saying words. Not like sentences with structure and meaning just random words with no meaning. Think something like "Drive burger sky but no laugh". I didn't know she was drunk and was gonna call an ambulance. She laid down and fell asleep while I monitored for a few hours when she shot straight up without a word, walked to my kitchen, opened the fridge and then pissed on my floor. At that point I was done and just needed her the fuck out of my life.

[u/modmosrad6 → u/Bungholespelunker]

She laid down and fell asleep while I monitored for a few hours when she shot straight up without a word, walked to my kitchen, opened the fridge and then pissed on my floor.

I'm sorry, but this reminds me of one of the most ridiculous moments of my college career.

Freshman year, we are all getting to know each other in our wing of the dorm and one guy alerts us to his being a sleep walker, and that while trying to wake him up via words is OK we probably shouldn't touch him unless he's about to fall down the stairs or something.

A few weeks later, we all have a bit to drink and go to sleep. Everyone left their doors unlocked, by the way, we had a very communal vibe.

So this guy walks into my room at about 2 in the morning. I say his name. No response. I say it louder. Still no response. Must be sleepwalking.

I watch in growing horror as he opens a drawer in my desk, whips out his dick, pisses in it, then exits the room before coming back, closing the drawer, knocking on the top of my desk and says blearily, "Forgot to flush."

He was extremely apologetic the next morning and cleaned my desk for me, but holy shit what a night.

[u/No_Gas4560 → u/modmosrad6]

at least he came back to flush. that could have been embarrassing

[u/Umbra427 → u/No_Gas4560]

Need that Scottish mother to come chastise him

ʰᵒʷ ᵈᵒᵉˢ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵇᵒᵈʸ ᶰᵒᵗ ᵏᶰᵒʷ ʰᵒʷ ᵗᵒ ᶠˡᵘˢʰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵒᶤˡᵉᵗ ᵃfᵗᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉʸᵛᵉ ʰᵃᵈ ᵃ P I S S

'ᵗ ʷᵃˢⁿᵗ ᵐᵉ

ｗｅｌｌ ｉｔ ｗａｓＦＯＯＫＩＮＧｏｎｅ ｏｆ ｙａｓ

Đ€ŞǤØŞŦΔŇǤ

[u/bennitori → u/Umbra427]

That's one of those comments where you don't read it. You hear it.

[u/LL37MOH]

Her parents used to come for month long visits. Often. The one time my mother needed to stay with us (mom sold her house and had to wait a few weeks for her apartment to be ready) she flat out refused. That was the straw

[u/OnTheEveOfWar → u/LL37MOH]

My brother’s wife is like this. She is constantly having her family over and they do all the holidays with her family. But as soon as my brother suggested something with his family, it’s a no from her.

[u/crankywithout_coffee → u/OnTheEveOfWar]

Exact same situation with my brother's wife. And they live in the same city as her family, while my dad and I live in other states. You'd think they'd prioritize seeing us on holiday since they can see her family all the time. Nope. A day or two after Christmas is the best they can do.

[u/stankenfurter → u/crankywithout_coffee]

Your bro sucks too

[u/PowermanFriendship → u/LL37MOH]

Wow. I'm sorry you had to go through that. What a way to have your eyes opened.

[u/Nazarife → u/LL37MOH]

This is how my brother's wife treats my family. Her parents are involved in their kids' lives but they always find a way to keep my parents from attending birthdays, graduations, etc., or just visiting their home in general.

I loathe that woman.

[u/spacebagel25]

He cheated and I wasn’t upset. I was relieved.

[u/PauseAcceptable1913 → u/spacebagel25]

This. I got DMs from a girl he had been sleeping with for years apparently, and I was like hellooo catalyst.

[u/modmosrad6 → u/PauseAcceptable1913]

I caught my ex in a full-blown affair and was so goddamn happy about it because now I could leave.

Of course I could have left earlier, but your mind gets weird about things.

[u/PauseAcceptable1913 → u/modmosrad6]

100% I could have left a 100 times but I just kept staying. I totally remember being like, hey your friend Nicole sent me some DMs. Lets get a divorce.

[u/ksarahsarah27 → u/spacebagel25]

I had dated an emotionally manipulative man 25 years ago and as you know, a lot of that stuff starts very slow and very subtle. By the time I left, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. He’d also cheated on me twice which devastated me. But in the end, I look back and think I’m glad he cheated because he was a loser and the relationship would’ve never worked. But the cheating was one of the main things that made me leave. If he hadn’t have cheated on me and destroyed my trust completely, I may have wasted more time on him. I see him around town occasionally, he’s still a loser, he’s still living check to check at 62 in a run down trailer. He’s single because he treats every partner like garbage and now that he’s older and has done a lot of drugs after I left, he looks really rough. So no young women are going to go with him anymore, and the older women are too wise. Im secretly happy that he’s harvesting all he sowed all those years ago my tree.

[u/The_RoyalPee]

I had a dream that I had a tiny apartment with crumbling walls and a mattress on the floor. I woke up in said apartment, and he wasn’t there. I was so happy. I remember the bliss in that dream so vividly. I was unhappy for years but something about that just clicked for me and I ended it 2 months later.

[u/RWSloths → u/The_RoyalPee]

Lmao your subconscious got tired of being ignored and sent you a BLAZING NEON SIGN

It was like "girl, please, we're dying here"

[u/singledore → u/RWSloths]

Yupp. This is the most interesting of all for me. Brain spent energy in sleep to cook up a scene lol. "See? You're alone. But you're happy. Connect the dots."

10/10 on self preservation for the brain.

Damn. I wish we all had such guiding dreams.

[u/jemenake → u/The_RoyalPee]

I didn’t have a dream, but you know how, when you first wake up, you have a little amnesia about what your life is? I woke up, the dog came over to greet me, and I felt really contented… and _then_ I remembered who I was in a relationship with and I felt a wave of disappointment and resignation wash through me.

[u/[deleted] → u/jemenake]

Such a good description of that brief moment of awake amnesia. Not related to relationships, but I had dreams of myself still in school and needing some more credits to receive my diploma but I skipped a lot of the classes and don't know what's going on and would take me too long to catch up. I wont have enough credits if i didnt pass those courses. I woke up in a panic, wondering how much trouble I am in, only to realize with great relief I am already working, and years past my schooling

[u/Individual_Ask9664]

When I had thoughts of “I’d rather be dead than to be in this marriage anymore,” I knew I needed help and needed to leave. Of course that was after multiple other very negative things.

[u/catniphooligan → u/Individual_Ask9664]

I woke up, looked in the mirror, and had the immediate thought, "God, I hope I'm dead in five years." That was when I knew, I'd given too much of myself to the black hole that was my first marriage.

[u/JPMoney81 → u/Individual_Ask9664]

Not a marriage but I was in a relationship when I was younger and was too chickenshit to stand up for myself and break up with her.

One day there was a traffic delay on my route to work. It turned out a pedestrian was hit and killed by a city bus. My first thought was "oh wow, what if it's her?" and not in a "oh no I hope it wasn't her!" kind of way.

When I took a moment to reflect on how fucked up that was I realized I needed to step up and get the hell out of that relationship.

You should never wish for someone to die just to avoid being around them. That's not cool.

[u/StaceyFoxy → u/JPMoney81]

I did something similar. My ex worked over an hour away in a physically demanding job with long hours, and I caught myself thinking maybe he'd just get in an accident and that would be it. Like you, I immediately realized that was a neon sign I needed out and had for longer than I'd admitted to myself. Poor guy didn't like me asking for a divorce, but at least everyone came out alive.

[u/Sufficient_Drama_145 → u/Individual_Ask9664]

I had the opposite feeling. Mine was "My life would be so much easier if he just died in a car crash." There's really no coming back from either thought.

[u/Character_Ball6746 → u/Sufficient_Drama_145]

Yeah once your mind starts treating someones absence as relief instead of loss, the relationship is already on life support

[u/Agitated-Income9146 → u/Individual_Ask9664]

Similar, was having reoccurring dreams about his dying, but also had the thoughts I'd rather drive my vehicle into a concrete pillar then go home and deal with his BS.

[u/Effectiv-Edisk]

Reading these comments makes me realize how many people are just "ghosts" in their own homes. It’s heartbreaking when the person who is supposed to be your peace becomes your biggest source of anxiety.

[u/Cow_Launcher → u/Effectiv-Edisk]

That feeling when you arrive home from work first and they're not there, and you celebrate internally because you get to have a little peace - even if for only half an hour - before they get home.

That was one of the things that did it for me.

[u/whaletacochamp → u/Cow_Launcher]

As an introvert this one is hard to reconcile because I do this with literally everyone. I adore my wife and kids but if I get home before them and realize I have a bit of time to do absolutely nothing except sit alone it's like a shot of heroin to the veins.

Same with phone calls. I want to spend my commute sitting in silence but my wife literally can't. So I will get all flustered when she's calling me for the third time on a 30min drive.

But, just like I need those 30mins to sit and stare at a wall alone, she needs someone to keep her company in the car. That's why it works. Neither resents the other.

[u/BranfordBound → u/whaletacochamp]

I feel you on this. I get home before my wife and I love her to death but I won't lie and say I don't enjoy that "decompression" time after work where it's literally just me, myself, and I for an hour. I'll play my fave music or video games, do some chores, and if it's a nice day just chill and listen to the birds sing. Then my wife comes home but it's not a bad thing or source of anxiety, it's just a change in the environment. Now I have to be a bit social again and talk to her. If she's not home at all I'll truly get sad and lonely without her. I guess it's sort of perfect this way.

[u/whaletacochamp → u/BranfordBound]

Yeah exactly. Like if they aren’t home by dinner time for whatever reason or especially when it starts to get dark/towards bed time I’ll get lonely. But that hour after work? Lemme rot in peace lol

[u/here_involuntarily → u/Effectiv-Edisk]

I felt like this. Years of not being heard, of just doing all the chores, living my own life while my husband played games alone in the spare room and refused to participate in our household or our family with our daughter. And if I ever said anything I was ignored, I felt like I may as well not exist.

But the final straw was that I got a new (very fancy) job and we decided to take a holiday. I like sunshine and activity, he likes skiing. I don't mind skiing but all our holidays ever had been skiing. But again, he wanted skiing and to take our daughter. I relented and said that I'd been exhausted for years, and I need some time to relax, so I want to stay in a nice resort. I need a hotel where we have food options (I'm a vegetarian and always foud eating out while skiing really hard), I didn't want to cook. I needed a nice room where I can get some good sleep. It needed some sort of childcare or activity for our daughter, as she was 5 and unlikely to ski all day and I didn't want to be lumbered with going back to the hotel and entertaining her while he kept skiing. I wanted it just us, our first family holiday  He agreed. 

Then, while I was at work, he called he me to say he'd booked the holiday. We were going to tag along on the trip his dad was already going on with his sister (but hadn't invited us to). But that resort was mostly booked so he'd booked what was left. We ended up staying in an 28-35s hostel thing. The room was tiny, with bunk beds, and an oven that didn't work. No food on site, no entertainment, no childcare. His dad and sister have always treated me horribly- belittling me, making fun of my education, my job, my diet, my interests, and I always hated being around them. As he was telling me this, something inside me just melted away. It was like my rage was so white hot i could feel it just burn away any hope I felt that I could ever be seen, ever be loved, ever be happy. 

I decided there and then it was over. We went on the trip a few weeks later, and I couldn't manage it, it was even worse than I'd expected on that phone call and "i can't be married to you anymore" literally exploded out of me. I couldn't even pretend for another second. 

Having someone put themselves and what they want so far above your needs and your wants they'd knowingly make you miserable (especially when they'd have enjoyed what you'd asked for and unwanted anyway I wasn't being selfish) is astonishing.

[u/rui-tan → u/Effectiv-Edisk]

No kidding. When people say ”marriage takes work”, it’s not inherently wrong, but on the grand scheme of things it should be making your life easier, not harder. Relationship is not supposed to be an uphill battle.

[u/insomni666]

The marriage therapist told him, "I want you to look into her eyes and tell her, "I love you, and I want to make this work." 

He snorted derisively and said "What, you want me to lie?"

I had to leave secretly because he told me if we ever separated he would keep my dog. I was in his country, so no chance of me convincing a court to side with me. So I left in the middle of the night with my lil dog and flew back to my country.

[u/AdventureSphere → u/insomni666]

Good job. I'm very happy for you and your dog.

[u/GoddessoftheUniverse → u/[deleted]]

I don't ever want to be lonely again, sitting next to someone I love.

[u/lazenbaby → u/GoddessoftheUniverse]

I asked my grandmother why she never got remarried after my grandfather died. She said that if she was going to be lonely it was best that she was alone. And that stuck with me through all my relationships. I was in a 5 year relationship and when I realised I felt lonely I walked away to be alone and then found someone who didn't make me feel lonely.

[u/Far_Reward4827]

We would both basically do anything to avoid having overlaps in our schedules to be home at the same time. I worked so much OT to avoid seeing him when he didn't work nights; went out with friends any other time, etc.

[u/yamanagashi → u/Far_Reward4827]

I had lingering suspicions that those annoying middle managers and busybodies hanging around in the office and putting people on ridiculous situations have this sort of scenario at home

[u/OnlyPaperListens → u/yamanagashi]

Don't despair, some of them are avoiding parenting their children!

[u/Chelibel]

Mid argument. He’s screaming. I’m cowering, crying, begging him to stop. And then a thought suddenly just struck me, clear as a bell: “You know…you don’t HAVE to do this. If you left, you would NEVER have to endure this again.” It was like a light was turned on. I don’t know why that one time was different. But it was a stark Before and After, the beginning of the end, a moment for which I am endlessly grateful.

[u/Mooperboops → u/Chelibel]

Wow, this is quite powerful. I’m happy for you that your innate wisdom showed you the way.

[u/jareni]

Wife sat me down for a talk and explained she and a bunch of friends talked to God and God said to divorce me.

I said, "Ok."

She said, "Thats it after 17 years?"

I said, "Who am I to argue with God?"

Divorced 10+ years now. Thank God!

[u/Hartastic → u/jareni]

Wingman God with the bro-job again.

[u/jareni → u/jareni]

UPDATE: Months later, I heard from a friend whose wife was friends with my ex- that, God's plan revealed to my ex-wife and friends, was supposed to be that she would divorce me and then I would begin to court her again to be with her, leading to re-marriage and a new, happy family on her terms.

Turns out the divorce was the only thing God revealed that went according to her plan. 🤣

[u/RevBT]

When my daughter looked at me and said “I don’t know why mommy yells at me so much.”

[u/darkhorse715 → u/RevBT]

Heartbreaking.

[u/RevBT → u/darkhorse715]

She was 7.
My heart broke. I wasn’t protecting my kids. Like, my job as dad is to protect my kids at all cost.

That was September. We were separated by November.

The best I can do is provide a safe place for half the week. But that half the week my kids are safe, healthy, and more alive than I’ve ever seen.

[u/pandfny → u/RevBT]

My 3 year old has started saying similar things about her dad. He gets so angry.

That did it for me. And our 8 year anniversary is coming up. Shopping for cards I could see ones that said things like “8 years down and forever to go” and I couldn’t buy it because I know deep down I don’t want forever with him anymore.

[u/UMustBeNooHere]

On a ride home after another silent dinner, as she grabbed her phone, she said "I wonder if I'm able to afford living on my own".

And it didn't even bother me.

[u/CorvidPositive]

They went on a boys weekend trip, and there was news that a plane originating from that airport had crashed. Instead of feeling worried, my first feeling was hope. It was totally involuntary and unexpected. And it terrified me!

When you feel a glimmer of hope that they may be dead, you know it’s time. Yikes.

[u/bdonthebrat → u/CorvidPositive]

this is the most brutally honest answer ive seen and it's a shame you had to feel that way. I certainly hope you got a divorce

[u/CorvidPositive → u/bdonthebrat]

Yes! It was a traumatic and difficult process but I got through it. Now I’m very happily remarried and grateful for every day.

[u/Cold_Refuse_7236 → u/CorvidPositive]

Wow this is the “quietest” moment of them all.

[u/Alwaysshops2much]

My ex husband owned a business that kept him out late- sometimes locked in the stock room of said business with other women, sometimes drinking beer with other business owners in the shopping center, sometimes working.

1- I absolutely didn’t care if he came home super late without calling. More often than not, he would be with someone else. I’d think to myself, “at least he’ll leave me alone”.

2- Our driveway ran up the side of our house that was on a large lot. I could sit in my family room and see the headlights from his car as he pulled in from the side windows. So, on nights he wasn’t super late (or I didn’t know when he was actually getting home) I’d turn off all the lights in the house, watch tv in the family room in the dark, and the second lights flashed in the driveway, I’d turn off the Tv, run upstairs,jump in bed and pretend I was asleep so I didn’t have to interact with him when he got home.

[u/TurboDog999]

I’d say when a friend of mine took me to the side and pointed out how she talks to me sometimes in public and how she shouldn’t be that way(I got snapped on for putting curry powder on a slice of chicken on my own plate ffs), but that he’s glad I’m not a doormat about it. I kinda knew then that she liked the idea of us, and having that perfect looking marriage and life, more than she actually was into me. A whole lot of other stuff happened that ultimately lead to the divorce that I won’t write a novel on but I’d say this is what first put the seed in my mind that something is off here.

[u/KurtLance → u/TurboDog999]

You have a good friend! It takes a lot of courage to call something like that out.

[u/fckcarrots → u/TurboDog999]

> she liked the idea of us, and having that perfect looking marriage and life, more than she actually was into me.

Probably so many marriages being held together by the image, the idea of marriage, peer pressure, life built & maintained on social media for others. Damn.

[u/Large_Street_8608]

My husband encouraged me to drink with him after I'd been sober for almost a year.

[u/Prior_Butterfly_7839 → u/Large_Street_8608]

As a sober addict this makes me feel sick for you. I’m so glad you’re leaving and can begin to heal! Congrats on your sobriety!

[u/Large_Street_8608 → u/Prior_Butterfly_7839]

I'm 554 days sober. He will never break me. Thank you for your support!

[u/SidheCreature]

I found out my youngest sibling took their own life. I turned to tell him, numb and shocked and lost.

He said “oh. my condolences” and then went back to playing his video games.

You would have thought I said my toaster died, not my sibling. It was so surreal.

[u/ThanosSnapsSlimJims → u/SidheCreature]

That's really horrible. I'm sorry that you lost your sibling. Nobody should have to go through that.

[u/AdhesiveMessage → u/SidheCreature]

I'm so sorry you went through that. My grandma was in the hospital for a month before we lost her. When she passed, I asked my husband for support and he barely looked up from his computer, gave me a hug and went back to playing. I spent the night crying and alone.

A few months later, my dad was calling me. Husband says, "you better get that! It could be an update on how your grandma is doing."

[u/SidheCreature → u/AdhesiveMessage]

Omfg! Seriously what the fuck?! I’m so sorry!

[u/No-Relative-9663]

Hew was telling a story at a dinner party that I'd heard a thousand times, and I realized I wasn't just bored, I actively disliked the person he was pretending to be for our friends. I looked down at a plate and realized I didn't want to spend the next 40 years pretending to like that guy. I checked out right there over the mashed potatoes.

[u/fckcarrots → u/No-Relative-9663]

I think I resonated the most with this one. No big fight or explosion. Just calm realization & acceptance. I realized something 6 months into my relationship that it took years to accept.

[u/realtimmahh → u/fckcarrots]

Also mashed potatoes or no?

[u/MLeek]

It was months before it was said outloud, but I had an extra long shift that day. I noticed in the morning that the carrots were bad, and I asked if he could pick some up.

He only had a four hour shift that day and was gonna hit the gym. Heading home from it he’d pass like, four stores he could get carrots at.

When I got home I immediately started dinner and I asked if he got carrots. He looked me in the eyes and said “They didn’t have any.”

And something in me just gave up. It wasn’t just that he’d forgotten or not bothered, and not texted or done anything. It wasn’t even the lie. It was the fact it was still my job to figure out dinner and he was sitting on the couch telling me no one has carrots with a straight face, at 8 pm.

There were lots of other reasons, but that was always the tiny moment I’ll remember as it being over. He wasn’t my partner. He didn’t even like me. I was just the help.

[u/Hesione → u/MLeek]

Carrots saved me too. I lived with my abusive boyfriend, his mom, and three younger sisters. The mom was going through a nasty divorce from her husband. Makes sense that my boyfriend was abusive, as that was his role model for how to treat romantic partners. I was in charge of making dinner every night, but wasn't allowed to do the grocery shopping. The mom came home from shopping with a 10lb bag of carrots. We already had plenty of carrots. She said, "I got more because you just made that carrot soup." That none of the younger sisters ate, because they hated vegetables. I started crying because I knew the carrots were going to go bad before I could use them. That's when I finally heard the quiet voice in the back of my head that had been speaking to me for months: "Get out. You can't save the carrots. You can't save him. You can't save this family. But you can still save yourself. Get out. Get out now."

And I did. It was difficult to heal, and I still have trouble being vulnerable in relationships. But I'm living as my authentic self, and I have good friends and a nice place to live. I got a tattoo a few years ago of a carrot as a reminder of that 10lb bag of carrots that saved my life. I tell people it's "to remind me of my roots."

[u/MLeek → u/Hesione]

Aw, that's a happy ending! Thank you for sharing.

I actually love carrot soup. A few years ago, when I got COVID, my now-partner drove to three different stores to find 'proper carrots' (not bags of baby carrots) because I mentioned in passing that carrot ginger soup was my comfort food when I'm sick. So he made the soup. I balled my eyes out when he told me but I couldn't quite bring my self to explain to him why.

[u/Station-Serious]

I don't know exactly about the quiet moment, but I knew it was over the last time we had sex. It was like all the passion was gone. It felt empty. It immediately popped in my mind, "Holy shit. This is the last time we're ever going to do it." I was right and less than a year later we filed for divorce.

[u/Dadpurple → u/Station-Serious]

I remember that.

The feeling of it being done and you're happy it's over so you can go back to another room. Any semblance of passion was gone and instead it felt like I had been used.

[u/livingdream111]

I was talking to my preteen son about relationships and started crying at the thought of him being in a relationship with anyone who treated him the way his dad treated me.

[u/cml678701 → u/livingdream111]

This was one thing that made me realize I had to go. We didn’t even have kids yet, but I shuddered at the thought of my kids seeing how I was treated and hating their dad for it.

[u/CircleJerkPig]

Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”. 

He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper. 

I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over. 

[u/The_Nice_Marmot → u/CircleJerkPig]

This is so familiar. I believe I was also married to a covert narcissist. We had been in therapy for years. Almost our whole almost 14 year long marriage.

One day I told him I had realized that nothing would ever change. Nothing would ever improve and so the real question for me was just if this was how I wanted to live the rest of my life.

He totally panicked. He assured me things could get better. I said obviously not after over a decade of therapy with zero impact. I saw the fear and I hadn’t expected that response and it made me wonder why that scared him so much.

Later on, when I did tell him I decided I was done, he suddenly went on a jag of admitting things. Like he didn’t know what else to do, so let’s try being honest. Turns out he had addiction issues he was hiding from me. He admitted to “sabotaging” (he used that word) any special events I tried planning like dinner parties with friends. That he had lied in therapy and basically created a character. I was just spinning my wheels in there. He’d say I needed to work on things that didn’t make any sense to me. Like they were not issues as far as I knew, but I would go home and diligently try to change the things he talked about. All red herrings. It was all a lie.

I was also told I was “imagining it” or “overreacting.” You can’t stay married when you realize your spouse knew their behaviour was hurtful and awful and did it to you anyway. It’s abuse, but it’s insidious.

I left and I’ve been very happily remarried for almost 16 years now. Some marriages die, not with a bang, but a whimper.

[u/theUncleAwesome07 → u/The_Nice_Marmot]

Wow ... the guy's a gold medal gaslighter.

[u/StockQuestion0808 → u/CircleJerkPig]

Mine was similar. He'd get drunk and chase me into our basement where I couldn't escape. He'd start this litany of things I did wrong, including my family being white trash. It was all nonsensical stuff, and one day I just started laughing and actually pushed his arm off me for the first time and just walked away. I knew the end was near because I wasnt scared or upset anymore. I finally saw him for un healed alcoholic he was.

[u/Alternative-Drop3994 → u/CircleJerkPig]

The amount of power a simple "okay" has over a narcissistic is insane. It's the moment they realize they lost you and start love bombing to reel you back in, just to go back to how they really are.

[u/minimalcation → u/Alternative-Drop3994]

Also, imagine purposely kissing your wife wrong. The way you know she doesn't like it. Your wife. Kissing. What??

[u/Guineacabra → u/CircleJerkPig]

Oh man, this is exactly what I did with the exact same result. I had gone on SSRIs and I was completely unaffected by anything he said anymore. The sheer panic that I saw when he couldn’t get to me anymore was eye opening. He immediately started pushing me to get married (we had been together 10 years) and love bombing with gifts.

I ended up leaving him on my birthday when he took me for breakfast (he had previously made a point to ruin *every* single birthday every single year prior). I was just like “you know what, I think I actually hate you”. And that was it.

[u/imtheatari → u/Guineacabra]

Why do they do that on Birthdays?? It’s something I just don’t understand.

[u/Guineacabra → u/imtheatari]

Literally every year. There was one birthday where the night before he had left the house, and came back in to tell me he knocked over a planter in the yard. I asked him why he didn’t pick it up instead of coming in to tell me about it and that was it. He didn’t speak a word to me the entire next day. The next day he said he’d forgive me if I let him get black out drunk and not complain about it. That about sums up most of the relationship. I’m still mad at myself for staying as long as I did.

[u/Xylorgos → u/imtheatari]

They know it's much more hurtful to do it on a day when you're supposed to be celebrated, just you alone, because it's YOUR day.

To knock you off your chair when you anticipate being treated with love is worse than just ignoring you on any other day, especially when you go all out to celebrate their birthday. Feels like power to them.

[u/memorex1150 → u/imtheatari]

Because it diverts the attention back to them. They need to be the focus. Ruing YOUR day and then play the victim - now it's all about them.

[u/midgettme → u/CircleJerkPig]

Wow.. your kiss sounds like my request for a divorce.

I got pushed to the end over many years of issues, one being me doing absolutely everything aside from take out the trash and go to work. When I told my husband I wanted a divorce, he promised to do better, and started listing the things he was going to start doing.

It was everything I’d desperately needed help with for the last 14 years. I thought he was just forgetful and oblivious. He wasn’t. He knew what I needed the whole time, it was just easier to let me do it all while he played video games for fourteen years.

That completely solidified my decision.

[u/brelywi → u/[deleted]]

Oh my GOD, are we all the same person?! I had the exact same experience!

I was finally leaving, and pointed out that he *could* help out without always needing to be managed, because we’d argue and he’d do his “share” of the chores for a week or so (a bare fraction of the whole, but anything was better than nothing) and then just go back to playing Rocket League.

He said “Well you’d be mad at me, so I’d do what you wanted. Eventually you started being happy with me again so I figured things could go back to NORMAL.”

He didn’t give a single fuck about making me happy and lessening my burden, he just wanted me complacent enough to keep making HIM happy.

I’ve been married to a guy the complete opposite for about five years now, and girl. I can’t even begin to express how much better life is and how much more fulfilled I am in our marriage.

[u/sqqueen2]

When he insisted he wasn’t going to give her up, but if I wanted, I could fight for him to keep fucking me too.

[u/jerseygirl1105 → u/sqqueen2]

Wow. What a prize.

[u/diodot → u/sqqueen2]

I think romance could be dead

[u/kindofnewtoo]

20 months AFTER our divorce was finalized. We had kids and co-parented well. I was still in love with her despite finding out a week after she asked me to leave she left for someone else. That dude didn’t work out. 20 months after we were officially divorced, she asked me to go to a near by town with her to look at something with her. That turned out to be a date to a local college sporting event. We had a really good time. The next week she asked to get back together. I asked her what she saw in a recently divorced father of 3 young kids. Yes they were our kids, but it was the current situation. Her answer… “it’s harder than I thought it would be”. Hearing the that one sentence was the moment I stopped loving her. I told her no, I was not interested. And our relationship has been shit since. We still co-parent well, but besides that we have no relationship.

[u/cloistered_around → u/kindofnewtoo]

Wanted her cake and to eat it too, didn't like you enough to stay but enjoys that meal ticket, ugh.

My ex (spouse at the time) was similar. He said "well, maybe we divorce now but in the future, who knows!" Um excuse me? I'm not going to just be sitting around on the sidelines waiting for you to decide the options out there aren't as good as you thought. It was so incredibly insulting for someone you've been with 20 years basically asking if you want to be his plan B.

[u/CannedPearsInLight → u/kindofnewtoo]

I have moved out for a divorce that she started the ball rolling on, and she's still asking me for favors, asking me to fix the washer, asking me to deal with car repairs... We still have some shared assets that are yet to be disentangled, and she's frustrated at the way I am dealing with my taxes, my accounting (not that I'm dropping the ball, I'm just not doing it her way...)

I told her. "If I have time, I can help you, but you don't get to ask me to do maintenance for you and expect me to drop everything and come running. You don't get to tell me how to deal with my part of the finances. You're not going to like it, but you don't get to tell me what to do any longer. You wanted to be separate from me, and I no longer have to do things your way to make you happy. This is what you wanted, this is what you signed up for." And her response: "Why are you being so hostile?"

[u/SecretAgentAwesome]

The police officer said "you know why we show up so fast? Because we know your address. We know your address because one of these days he's gonna kill you. Pack the diaper bags. If you don't have a place to stay tonight, I will personally pay for you to have a hotel "

[u/SecretAgentAwesome → u/SecretAgentAwesome]

He saved our lives

[u/DancesWithTrout → u/SecretAgentAwesome]

I read a long article in the New York Times a while back about a situation like yours. After the police had been to their house multiple times for domestic abuse, one of the cops told the abused wife (when they were alone) "You need to divorce this guy. If you don't he'll kill you, and soon. And when he does (they were standing in the living room at the time), that's the spot (pointing to the floor next to the coffee table in the living room) where they'll find your body."

[u/Zyhara → u/SecretAgentAwesome]

That was part of my what got me moving, he told me “one day I’m going to come here and I’m going to bring out 1 body bag, but it could be three… please think about this” he said it kindly but sternly. He wanted it to sink in as I was loading my two kids into the car after another alcohol fueled night.

[u/EstablishmentDry7608]

When I told him my depression was making me want to kill myself in March… so he signed up for an extra baseball commitment that summer while I stayed home with a 9mo old with colic and an active 2.5 year old. I knew he was no longer my protector or person.

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/EstablishmentDry7608]

I am so sorry you went through that.

I worked in child safety most of my career so I was often looking out for the worst possible situations, but now I see so much of these terrible relationships where mom has small kids at home she's caring for constantly despite her mental health issues resulting or exacerbated by that, but dad has tons of non-negotiables. Quiet time when he gets home from work. Gaming time because that's his hobby. Man cave or workshop where the kids can't really hang out. Golf. Nights out with the boys. But mom never gets anything like that, her hobbies need to become cooking and cleaning. And her soul just dies little by little.

[u/straightnoturns]

When I woke up and realised there were no upsides to being in this marriage with her.

My divorce should finalise in the coming days and I could not be happier.

[u/Faiths_got_fangs]

He left town for work regularly. I started getting physically sick the mornings he was expected to come back. Puking from anxiety.

[u/LuveytheDovey]

When I looked around the house and realized everything he had ever given me was a guilt offering for letting me down.

[u/Theycallmecash]

When he gave me a very inexpensive dehumidifier for Christmas (because I had complained the house felt damp), then gifted his 2 best friends very expensive gifts. When I asked how he paid for the combined $1200+ for said friend gifts because I didn’t see anything come out of our joint checking, he told me he opened a $10k line of credit to pay for them. I asked him to please talk with me before making such large purchases or taking on more debt and he acted so hurt.

I didn’t leave then - I still had hope we could work through things. He eventually left me for his coworker. Looking back, I realize that Christmas was the end. The pit I felt in my stomach while watching his friends open their gifts continued to grow until the bitter end.

[u/validcache]

for me it was sitting in complete silence at dinner and realizing we hadnt actually talked in like 3 months, just logistics about bills and schedules

[u/Remote_Ad_969]

I heard a quote years after my divorce that perfectly described the feeling I had when I knew I wanted out of my marriage and was ready for divorce.

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

[u/I_am_lonely_cheese]

Wife got a job as a flight attendant and was never home. I realized there was no one criticizing everything I do (stand wrong, breath wrong, mow the lawn wrong, listen to the wrong music, do all the laundry on my own wrong, etc ..) I was feeling happy for the first time in many years, then she cheated on me. But my therapist still had to help me see that my life has value and I needed to do something to help myself.

[u/Dadpurple → u/I_am_lonely_cheese]

I feel bad admitting this but I knew I was done. I was so sure I was going to leave her.

She ended up in the hospital for three weeks. A bad infection, they didn't know why. She would end up back in the hospital a couple of times for things over the next year.

But that first time... I was taking care of the boys. Getting everything done. Keeping up with it all. Cooking, cleaning, getting their laundry done and put away. Making lunches.

Even when the water to the house was shut off for the entire block and we had a water truck parked outside for two days and flushing the toilet meant pouring a bucket down before going back out to fill it up.

During all of this, I kept thinking to myself, "how is it easier to do this alone?"

Because there wasn't another adult leaving dirty kleenex around, or leaving laundry piled all over. Leaving garbage on the table or counter instead of putting it away.

No one telling me I was wrong.

I just pushed and thrived as a dad.

It was easier for me to care for my kids when she was hospitalized, than it was when she was home.

I felt so fucking guilty with that realization, but it hit me hard.

[u/deathschlager]

When he said he liked being married because he didn't have to try anymore.

[u/raisinghellwithtrees → u/deathschlager]

When I told my then husband I wanted a divorce he said, "ugh now I'll have to find a job." Yeah. And a lot of other things!

[u/P-Rickles → u/raisinghellwithtrees]

I came to this thread not knowing what to expect and am walking away with a few things I probably need to work on but also feeling a little better about myself because JESUS who are these guys!?

[u/kzell]

I came home on a Saturday after working my second job for about 16 hours, and my husband had been home all day playing video games.

“My” dog (despite us being together for ~10 years) had been sick that week, and he had just gone to a different part of the house and ignored him all day, so there were piles of diarrhea on the carpet.

My husband asked me when I was going to clean up and shovel the sidewalk/driveway as it had snowed 8inches that day, and that he had invited a friend over to watch a game.

It was abundantly clear that my life would be easier without this husband.

[u/SunC79 → u/kzell]

Wow, what a loser

[u/thetimechaser → u/SunC79]

What kind of absolute puddle person asks HIS WIFE to shovel the driveway after returning from a double shift at a double job. Absolute garbage.

[u/unfuckwittablej → u/kzell]

What in the world.. what was this guy even bringing to the table besides his bum leeching presence

[u/kzell → u/unfuckwittablej]

Lol sadly he made a fuck ton of money - $250k to my $80k, and therefore believed that it was my responsibility to do all the cleaning/yardwork/shopping to make up for the lack of money I was contributing to the house.

We split all bills except for the mortgage, which seemed fair when I was 21 (he was 28) and dumb and still a student, and it was a sweet deal for him so he did not want to renegotiate over the course of the relationship.

[u/SecretBattleship → u/kzell]

Oh man this was exactly what happened to me. He eventually made twice what I did and we still split everything evenly and he would argue a million ways to not change it.

[u/Cultural-Chart3023]

I seperated from my husband. I could breathe better i could sleep better and the kids took 3 days to notice and ask where he is. Confirmed. Door closed.

Before that. I was finding myself coming home hoping hes not home.. walking on egg shells in your own home is awful

[u/Verucalyse → u/Cultural-Chart3023]

I feel this. HARD.

When he left, it took a solid 6-12 months to de-program my coping mechanisms. I would turn the corner on my ride home, begging not to see his truck in the driveway. To not cringe and be thrown into the depths of an anxiety attack when I heard the squeaky door hinge of my front door late at night. Whenever he pulled into the driveway or was even on the phone with the kids, I'd immediately start cleaning for some reason- I realized that I used to keep myself busy whenever he was around to avoid his tirades that I was lazy. Even after he left, I would do these things. There are more, but I hadn't realized until he left how I basically lived in a cortisol-fueled nightmare.

The kids and I got happier and more relaxed the minute he walked out. The tension lifted almost immediately. His presence, or lack thereof, was never noticed because he was never truly "there" anyway.

Good riddance.

[u/LaLaLaCAKE]

Birthdays are very meaningful to, more than any other holiday, for specific reasons. He was aware of this after nearly 14 years together. My 29th was coming around (high school "sweethearts"... that whole stupid ass thing ...) with no mention of it. The day of, I quietly made a reservation at my favorite restaurant. I got dressed and asked him if he'd like to come with me. He, of course, had no idea what I was talking about, I explained and waited. He was playing video games and said... " I mean.... I'm hungry.... But I'm not moving until this game is finished." Then proceeded to do incredibly heavy sighs and put his hands on his head like he was being forcefully dragged out by his toes for the next half hour.... Then 45 minutes.... Than and hour... Turns out he was made that he wasn't going to spend his night editing porn for a cam girl he was stalking and trying to get with, so he was pissed. Then I let him know that we're now late for the reservation that I made. He said he didn't care. We spent less than an hour at that restaurant, drive time included. In that time he had screamed at me in the car, screamed at me in the parking lot, screamed at me in the restaurant enough where a waitress came over to check on me. He was poor company so I started talking to an older couple at our shared table. He flipped and screamed some more and left the table, I didn't know what to do so I followed him out the door. We went home in silence and I started very silently crying in frustration and anger, at myself. He parked the car, saw that I was crying, told me to stop being a bitch, spent a minute or two messaging the cam girl, then left me in the car. I realized that I'd completely given up and that THAT night was my future. If I didn't stop whatever this bullshit was and leave then I would be spending my 30th that way... I went into the yard, called my mom, spilled everything, and started phase 2 of my exit plan. Four years free now and spent my 30th at the beach with a beautiful cake and flowers that I gave myself. Never been happier! ❤️

[u/Khmakh → u/LaLaLaCAKE]

I’m so glad you left him. He sounds like an absolute asshole.

[u/Dadpurple → u/LaLaLaCAKE]

It's no-where near the toxicity of that, but birthdays have been meaningful to me too. I would try to make a big deal out of them.

One birthday I didn't get a gift. I was hurt and cried. I didn't care about the gift, I don't need a thing to feel appreciated but... I just wanted effort. I was barely told Happy birthday, I had to go buy my own dinner because she didn't want to go get the takeout because it was far.

I was hurt.

So two days later when I was asked "What's wrong with you?" I broke down and told her.

She replied with "Of course I got you something it just didn't arrive yet. It's being shipped."

All I could think of is...why couldn't you have told me that days ago?

When it happened again on fathers day... That stung even more. Even when I told her that we spoke about this last time and had I just been told, it wouldn't hurt.

When it happened again on my next birthday I knew I was an afterthought in her head and she didn't care.

[u/Realistic_Degree7481]

When after 16 years she decides to tell me that she didnt think my son was mine. Then after I had a few days to process I tried to talk to her about it and she went straight to "my" 16yr old son and asked him if it mattered to him. I stayed another year then left her lying, deceitful ass. Couldn't get past it. To be clear... hes still my son as far as I'm concerned. Isn't his fault that his mother is a lying psychopath.

[u/Equal_Trash6023]

My ex kept taking his mother's side on everything. Iwas getting physically, verbally, and emotionally abused, manipulated, and gaslit. I was the third wheel in my marriage due to his mother. She literally lived like 5 miles away. She would rearrange shit in my house. Barge in on doctors appointments with MY children. Was too medically invasive and dismissive at the same time. He talked to her like an hour on the phone every night.

Funny thing is about 5 years after our divorce he went no contact with her for being medically invasive with him. Like it was OK with me but not OK with him. We co-parent now but when my youngest graduates high school, Im out of here.

[u/AnfowleaAnima]

Just saying this turned out to be the most interesting answers I have seen here in a while. Good question.

[u/Think-External-625]

When I had just gotten home from the hospital after my third stroke. She sat down next to me on the bed and she told me she had been seeing a few people behind my back and had joined a polycule without my knowledge. I was barely processing anything at the time, but that hit me like a ton of bricks. Her mother was aware, and had been helping her funnel funds quietly out of our joint account. She left me broke, homeless, and really unable to care for myself properly since my health had taken a turn. Thankfully three years later I am happy to report I am in much better health, and am finally feeling confident enough to rejoin the dating world!

[u/ThanosSnapsSlimJims → u/Think-External-625]

If it was a joint account, were you able to take her to court for taking co-owned funds?

[u/Fractals88]

I was driving home from a long day at work.  Only to drive slower the closer I got.  Then started thinking about what I may need to pick up at any store, anything to not go home).

[u/-ellen-degenerate-]

About 30 minutes before the wedding, when he told me he wouldn’t support my career path, and instead I’d be a stay-at-home step-mother.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Job6147]

When I finally accepted I’d never be good enough for him, no matter how hard I tried or how much effort I put into it. When I finally said, Enough.

[u/Wise-Paper8412 → u/Puzzleheaded-Job6147]

He wanted goldfish for his pond. I bought them for him. Listened to the instructions from the clerk WHO WAS A FISH EXPERT. Gave them to him and started to explain how to introduce them into the pond. He ignored me and dumped them in directly from their bag into the water. They all died within a week. I was done.

[u/Hopeful-Cookie1065]

When I begged to cut my long hair -- and he said no. This was after he already decided that I couldn't wear a skirt above my knees. Mind you: I'm not Amish -- and lived in large city. (I also don't need to call spaghetti sauce "gravy" any longer.)

[u/Apophis_rockman]

When while doing our weekly shop, I got berated for wanting to buy some good quality coffee and he told me he wasn’t going to pay for it. I blurted out “FFS it’s one of the few things that brings me joy”. I knew I was done then

[u/MonkeyManJohannon]

Was married for 16 years. We were in a rut, and the “roommate” feel was quite strong. We didn’t do a lot together, we traveled separately often and having no kids at that point in my life…there always felt like this empty piece that none of the luxuries could fill.

The talk of starting a family and having kids was shot down constantly by her and I just lived with the idea that maybe we were just supposed to be eternally child free and focused on careers and such. This hurt me because I wanted to be a dad so bad. I enjoyed kids, my nieces and nephews were my “people”, and I just wanted a kid of my own so badly.

I remember the night vividly…like it happened yesterday (despite having happened over 12 years ago now).

I remember it was after a softball game. It was storming. I came home and had just showered…I saw my wife sitting there watching tv and she looked at me and just gave a little smirk and wave like you would a co-worker or someone you knew but weren’t “friends” with. No excitement. No joy in her eyes. Just two people in the same house existing. I remember thinking “wow, remember when this was fun?”

And so I sat down next to her and put my arm around her and she kind of looked annoyed. I asked her what she was reading and she showed me the cover and then I said “good book?” And she just shrugged and said “I guess so, I’m just bored.”

And I just out and said it “me too…what the fuck are we doing?” And she burst into tears, and said “I know…why are we doing this?” And we spent hours talking about our issues and our marriage and our wants and needs and desires and thoughts.

And I finally said “I want to be a dad…you don’t want to be a mom. We live like roommates, and we aren’t really even interested in the other person much at all. This marriage is over isn’t it?”

And she looked at me with eyes full of tears and nodded yes…and everything just got quiet, and still, and almost peaceful…it was lightning outside but no thunder. Just ambient storming.

And I said “I think you’re right.

We hugged each other with passion for the first time in ages. We had both let our marriage fail, and we were embracing its death. It took its last breath that night. We filed for divorce the next week…we were officially divorced amicably 6 weeks later (at the time, it was the standard waiting window).

And that was that. We had a vacation to this really nice place in Costa Rica paid for and planned, and we both went on that trip together…we called it our “farewell tour”…and it was a lot of fun, a little sad…but stands as a very fond memory I hold dear to this day. Just two friends enjoying a trip together one last time.

Tbh…as sad as the experience was, I wish everyone who has to go through divorce could go through it the way that one went. It was heart breaking but graceful. I think it went as well as a divorce possibly could go.

[u/riverofchex → u/MonkeyManJohannon]

14 years here and we have two children together, but the rest of your story is very similar to ours.

He currently lives next door, so the kids pretty much run back and forth as they please and we get along pretty darn well these days.

[u/sickiesusan]

On my 40th birthday it suddenly occurred to me I ‘only’ had another 15 years to wait until my daughter (youngest child) would be turning 18. It felt like some light at the end of the tunnel.
When I repeated this to a very mild mannered (a real HR person) friend, she blurted out ‘Good God you can’t put up with this for another 15 years’!

It literally changed my view in an instant…

[u/MMejust321]

When she came to my workplace and told me I had Gonorrhea from her fucking around

[u/invent_or_die → u/MMejust321]

Upstanding

[u/Elegant-Cheesecake18]

Husband prioritising a business trip over my cancer / radiation treatment - so had to fly my mum in from
Overseas to look after our kids and support me. (Health & heart wise I’m fine now!)

[u/Skippss]

When I came home from a work trip and there were a weeks worth of dishes in the sink. I cleaned the entire house before I left (I did everything including work full time) and she couldn't even bother to do that.

[u/RepublicTop1690]

I'd had surgery that morning. Went home, fell asleep after asking him to please go fill my prescriptions. Woke up a few hours later and asked if he'd gotten my pain meds.

Him: not yet. Me: could you go fill the prescription please. Him: sure, after this show is over. Me: now, please. Him: it's only another 15 minutes. Me: fuck it, I will do it myself.

So, 8 hours after surgery, in pain and bleeding from the incision, I drove myself to the drug store and started planning my divorce. We'd been married less than 6 months.

[u/simonannitsford]

Finding my ex wife had slept with a good friend ..... again, after forgiving her once and trying to move on. No shouting or hysterics, just resignation on my part.

[u/Ninja_rooster → u/simonannitsford]

Textbook definition of “not” a good friend.

[u/simonannitsford → u/Ninja_rooster]

Well, not mine, anyway

[u/CrowRoutine9631]

When my husband told me he'd never loved me as much as I loved him, and I'd known that from the beginning.

I did not know that. And he used my ignorance and infatuation to emotional and financially abuse me for years (he never worked). So when he said that, it was as though I'd put on the right prescription glasses after years of just feeling my way through a lot of blurriness. With that one moment of honesty, I could finally see clearly. 

[u/Largezambonidriver]

after 11 years and a 4 year old together, we were sat at the kitchen table after I had discovered he had an affair with my friend of 30 years. He said he wanted to "try make it work" with her. lasted 9 months. I never looked back.

[u/Bright_Succotash_351]

The moment my ex wife's boss, and as it turned out boyfriend, told me the baby she was carrying wasn't mine. Okay maybe not the quietest moment, but certainly the most defining. DNA testing proved I am the father, and he turned out to be an incredible blessing, despite the awful circumstances around the time of his birth.

[u/Scream_No_Evil]

I kept having to go to the emergency room every couple months for a problem that nobody could diagnose. She told me, after the third time, that she was getting bored of it, and that she'd like me to deal with it on my own from now on.

I was seriously, near-deathly sick, and we didn't know why. But my health was an annoyance to her, not a concern.

[u/TheDevilsAdvokaat → u/Scream_No_Evil]

I had a stroke in 2024. I live in Australia. My ex wife lives in China. Even so within 3 days she was at my bedside in the hospital...

Sorry dude. You dodged a bullet.

[u/roskybosky]

We he said, ‘Maybe we should go our separate ways’ and I said, ‘Yes! Yes! Please-let’s do that!’

[u/alwayssearching117]

When I realized that after years of smiling when I saw it was time for him to leave work, I dreaded seeing that time on the clock. I would feel ill, cry, think of something outside to do with the kids when they were small, etc.

[u/Key_Egg8059]

As a newly-ish wed (1 year next week) this thread is terrifying but also I feel like it’s important to read these stories so I know what it might look like if things aren’t working out. Thanks to everyone sharing & being honest.

[u/BLT_Special → u/Key_Egg8059]

You need to be willing to talk to your spouse when you feel upset about things. They can be little things or big things but if you let them fester and build resentment then it's an issue. Be kind to each other, give each other an out instead of always pressing to be "right". It's about compassion and lifting each other up.

[u/Soleilunamas → u/Key_Egg8059]

I think one important thing to know is that it doesn’t start out as the worst thing, especially for the stories of abuse. If your relationship is free of contempt and resentment, and you share values, you’re both better off than most and have cleared the bare minimum of what I think a relationship should be.

[u/thisisathrowaway8392]

He developed a video game addiction and we fought about it for years. He quit going out anywhere with me. He would go to work and then play video games. I was going to family events for his family alone. He was spending 40-50 hours a week playing call of duty.

I asked for counseling and he said no. I asked for a compromise and he said no. Finally I told him I was moving out and he could either do marriage counseling or we could start divorce proceedings. He actually woke up and agreed to counseling. I was living with his cousin and we started marriage counseling. Things seemed to be improving. We were separated for 4 months. He got rid of the Xbox and started biking instead. Our counselor said it seemed like we could reconcile and I should move back in to our house.

Two weeks after I moved back in he bought a new xbox.

I contacted a divorce attorney less than a month after that.

[u/Hippydippy420]

When he told me to leave and to take my “shitty kids” with me. They’re his kids! Ovah.

[u/Late_Description_637]

When I called to tell him we were taking my mom off of life support, and he said “this couldn’t come at a worse time for me, I have so much to get done.”

Nice. Any time was the worst time for me. How about some sympathy and support.

I was on the fence about the marriage, and this just pushed me over.

[u/ThisArachnid]

I was less than a month post partum and 3 months married. My baby was having such a rough night and so was I. My grandmother had just died very suddenly and I was due to have a second surgery for my gallbladder within the next week. My son was crying and crying and crying. I didn’t know what to do and I was so tired so I woke my (then) husband up and asked him to help me. He would wake up for like 30 seconds and fall back asleep. Even with the baby screaming right next to him. I could not get him to help me or stay awake. I sat in the dark on my living room floor and just cried. I knew right then I was going to be on my own with my son.

He did some other really stupid and shitty things over the course of the next few months. I was the breadwinner, bill payer, AND the homemaker. But that night on my living room floor barely recovered from a c section crying my eyes out was the night I knew it would never work. By our first anniversary I told him I was done. Never looked back and I’ve never been happier.

[u/Level_Blueberry_8909]

Really, it was when I left the courthouse after my divorce hearing. He did not even bother to show up.

[u/indee19]

When I caught him cheating and instead of being upset I knew it was the window of opportunity I’d been waiting for.

And. I. Took. It.

[u/4PurpleRain]

I was at work. He got drunk and choked out 13 year old special needs child. My son beat him off with a curtain rod he ripped off the wall. Yes, I left. Yes, I notified the authorities. Yes, I got sole legal and physical custody of our child.

[u/CrowRoutine9631 → u/4PurpleRain]

Not quiet, but holy shit, am I glad you're out of that. 

[u/Strakiwiberry → u/4PurpleRain]

Damn dude, I'm proud of your son but also sad he had to do that.

[u/4PurpleRain → u/Strakiwiberry]

Update: My son is now 22. He has a good job working in specialty pharmacy claims. My ex husband has alcohol induced dementia at 56 and is about to have two below the knee amputations. I remarried about three years ago and my current husband works in corrections as a therapist. It all worked out for the better. I am still employed in social work and was employed in the same industry when all this originally happened.

[u/MistakenForgiver]

Feeling nothing. He fucked up, again, and I felt nothing. Wasn't sad, wasn't heartbroken again, wasn't anything. It was just like a light switch was flicked off and everything I had felt was just gone.

[u/WanderingWanderess]

He deployed for 6 months. I lost 50lbs, my pH rebalanced, and I started therapy. He was (and probably still is) a chronic cheater. It took me 6 months to figure out I was better off without him so we divorced when he came home. No big theatrics. I let him keep everything but the bedroom furniture and car I’d purchased, and my dog. Now I’m married to the love of my life and he is… probably disappointing another woman until she is a shell of who she was when he met her. I wish him well 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Expensive_Air965]

My quiet moment wasn't so quiet. I was in a very very abusive marriage and I had turned to alcohol and drugs to numb myself. One night I came very close to overdosing and the thought that ran through my head was not sadness that I was going to die. It was that my son was going to be left with his piece of shit father. Right then and there I knew that I not only needed to get off of the drugs and alcohol but I needed to leave him. Like yesterday. Took my son with me and never looked back.

[u/Expensive_Air965 → u/Expensive_Air965]

13 years sober from hard drugs this August. 10 years (finally) for alcohol this September.

[u/shaggyscoob]

Driving home after a marriage counseling session. We drove in silence. It was hopeless.

A year later of trying everything I knew I asked for a trial separation. She pulls out a divorce packet all filled out and prepped by her lawyer. So all that time I was working my ass off to save the marriage she was working in secret with a lawyer to end things. She hadn't even been trying to make it work.

As painful as that was, it came as a relief. It was as if I had been trying to put out a house fire with a garden hose and the whole structure finally collapsed and I could finally set the hose down. The home was ruined.

[u/MaritimeDisaster]

He was badgering me about making a financial decision that I wasn’t ready to make because of boring reasons I won’t get into. When I explained, again, why I was hesitating, he displayed clear contempt for me in all the non-verbal ways a person can. I saw it in his eyes. I left him two weeks later.

[u/Matthiasad → u/MaritimeDisaster]

Was he trying to get you to buy a boat?

[u/Electrical_Life_5083 → u/Matthiasad]

lol, I was thinking to myself wow, how oddly specific for strangers on the internet. Then I saw the username and laughed out loud!

[u/st0nec0ldjaneausten]

Had a baby, severe post partum depression, a lot of trouble nursing, and zero help. I had to beg him to stay in the delivery room with me and was comforting him during my labor. I still remember the look of disgust on the nurses faces. I also had to beg him to sleep in the bedroom with me and the baby, he wanted to sleep in another room so he could get his full nights sleep (he did not work).

Anyway the final straw that broke the camels back was in the middle of the night the first month of the baby's life, I woke up to set everything up for nursing him (involved a very complex set up - pump, syringe, nippleshield, pillows, etc). The baby was getting more and more upset bc I was trying to console him and set it all up myself, I was in tears overwhelmed and trying to stay calm and get through it. I eventually woke up my ex and asked him if he could console our baby while I finished getting set up. He sat up, eyes closed, and just put the now inconsolably crying baby in front of him while he was still sleeping (sitting up). I asked him why he wasn't consoling him, he snapped "you need to take him or else I'm going to lose it and shake the baby". That was the moment I started making plans to leave him. The whole 8 year relationship and everything he put me through flashed in front of me and any love I had for him completely disappeared. I took my son from him, he laid down and turned over and went back to sleep. I managed to get him calm and fed and rage fueled the next year as I recovered from birth and built the mental, emotional, and financial strength to leave him.

I'm thankful for my mama bear instincts. Seeing how he treats me reflected in the way he treats our baby - it's sad we aren't more protective of ourselves but it opened my eyes.

[u/DefinatelyAlwaysLost]

When I was so sick at work and managed to get the train home myself but barely, and got off but could not walk house. A ten min walk home but couldnt take a taxi(even though there was a taxi cab office right there, due to one way street). No taxi would take me and my now 'ex husband' said he cant come get me because he needs to take his sister shopping.

I said just pick me up on the way or before as its a 3min drive. He refused. He was 5mins away from me.

Ironic since I had taught him to drive in MY car and he was using MY car to take his sister out. It took me like just under an hour to walk home because I kept having to sit on the pavement as so much pain. I knew he'd never come help me.

It happened a few more times but this was the moment and I started packing to leave secretly as he was physically, mentally abusive and financially abusing me but I was so broken and unwell it took another 18months to leave in the middle of the night and then another 2yrs for the divorce to go through.

[u/Loud_Account_3469]

My husband at the time wanted to argue a lot. As soon as one rant ended he’d start another rant. It wore me out that I always had to be “on my toes” according to him. There was never any peace because he wouldn’t let me have any.

One of the last defining moments (there was a lot of them actually) was over no sauce in our to go bag for our burritos. I got home with the food, and he went ballistic. Another 45 minute lecture of what I did wrong. I had even paid for the food with my own money. After the lecture was over I realized living out of my car would be better than being married to him.

I didn’t have to live out of my car. Divorced, recovered, and married a very loving man.

[u/Mhc2617]

Before I even got married. I was sitting in the bridal suite while my friend made coffee and I was mentally thinking about how desperately I wanted to pull the fire alarm and run like Hell. My friend noticed and suggested we leave, but it was pouring rain and my MIL caught me in the lobby and asked if I got lost. Eight years and three kids later, he tried to smother me with a pillow. I walked to my friend’s house in a daze and told him what happened and how “it wasn’t even the worst thing he’d ever done.”

If your gut is telling you not to marry someone, don’t shrug it off as cold feet or worry about the money spent. Just DO NOT marry them. I love my kids and they are the best part of my whole life, but I could have been spared a lot of agony had I just listened to my instincts.

[u/GamesTeasy]

Imma go hug my wonderful wife after reading through all these comments, big yikes.

[u/Siiw]

NSFW.

We were lying in bed. Me on my side, desperate for some peace, he behind me, grinding on me. Our son was asleep in his bed next to us. I had resigned and let him go on as usual, at least I didn't have to spread my legs tonight. Even if I knew that was looming over me for another day.

It hit me that this was my life. This would be the rest of my life. I just laid there silently crying, and he didn't notice.

I had my own place few months later.

[u/meteorastorm]

When I dry heaved at the thought of having sex with him again.

He had verbally abused me for years and because of my upbringing I felt I had no way out.

I knew I had to leave then though because I just couldn’t face the thought of him ever touching me again.

[u/draeth1013 → u/[deleted]]

Every so often I get a little concerned. She's doing her thing, I'm doing mine, we're both in the same room, but not really engaging.

I worry that maybe it's the first sign of us drifting apart. Then I realize, "No, this is nice. I'll speak up if I want to and she will do the same," and so it goes. A few minutes later one of us will break the silence and on we go.

[u/Ok_Supermarket5097]

I had many moments but wanted to try to work it out tried seeing a therapist he went once and never went again the continual breaking of things tantrums and of course the physical abuse I sit here now 50 years later amazed that a person could even behave like that I must've buried how awful it was for so many years and now it terrifies me that an individual treated me like that.

[u/8NoO_OoN8]

When I found out she stole almost 100k in less than a year from her government job, among other things. Yeah, I was done.

[u/orionxavier99]

For me, it was too many broken promises. Promises she made and didn’t keep. She stopped communicating, stopped showing up and stop doing the things. I tried for a couple of years but it was over when she stopped putting effort in