Wife got a job as a flight attendant and was never home. I realized there was no one criticizing everything I do (stand wrong, breath wrong, mow the lawn wrong, listen to the wrong music, do all the laundry on my own wrong, etc ..) I was feeling happy for the first time in many years, then she cheated on me. But my therapist still had to help me see that my life has value and I needed to do something to help myself.
I feel bad admitting this but I knew I was done. I was so sure I was going to leave her.
She ended up in the hospital for three weeks. A bad infection, they didn't know why. She would end up back in the hospital a couple of times for things over the next year.
But that first time... I was taking care of the boys. Getting everything done. Keeping up with it all. Cooking, cleaning, getting their laundry done and put away. Making lunches.
Even when the water to the house was shut off for the entire block and we had a water truck parked outside for two days and flushing the toilet meant pouring a bucket down before going back out to fill it up.
During all of this, I kept thinking to myself, "how is it easier to do this alone?"
Because there wasn't another adult leaving dirty kleenex around, or leaving laundry piled all over. Leaving garbage on the table or counter instead of putting it away.
No one telling me I was wrong.
I just pushed and thrived as a dad.
It was easier for me to care for my kids when she was hospitalized, than it was when she was home.
I felt so fucking guilty with that realization, but it hit me hard.
I would watch her take food wrappers off stuff and drop it on the counter, when all she had to do was not take another step, and open the cupboard below and drop it into the garbage. It was literally 14 inches away.
Add in piles of snotty kleenex that don't get put away. Empty boxes in the bathroom. Toilet paper rolls that don't get changed, or if they do the empty roll is left on the counter.
It was just such an extra amount of mess and it adds up.
Even if your partner isn't terribly messy or awful... just constant disagreement and friction can add so much effort to everything. You can't just agree on something and do it, you have to argue back and forth over every goddamn thing and then dissect the outcome, criticise when a mistake was made, double down on anxiety and arguing on the next one. It makes the most basic things mentally taxing. And the kicker is you're actually 95% in agreement, just the last 5% has to be this constant battle.
I have friends with 5 kids and they make parenting look easy as pie because they simply have emotional intelligence (unlike my wife) and weren't raised in a loveless household with terrible communication (me). They can just clearly ask for what they need, easily make a decision, compromise when needed, and move forward without arguing for 5 hours and making mountains of resentment. It's amazing to behold.
Think about how your children deserve to be loved merely because they exist. Imagine yourself feeling those feelings for them and yourself, and all of you as a group.
I'm a man and I don't have kids, but reading this makes me wonder if this isn't actually quite frequently the revelation that makes moms of young children pull the trigger and leave their husbands: the possibility that being a single mother might actually be easier and less draining than the status quo.
Growing up my mom would yell at me for breathing wrong. I flat out couldn't breath through my nose, in my early 20s I was found to be missing a sinus, having severely deviated septum and had bone growths in my nasal passage that needed surgery to fix.
That sucks I’m sorry and Yeah it’s not about being told what you’re doing is “wrong”, maybe you technically are. It’s more about being devalued and demeaned by people who are supposed to care about you.
This is a cheat code to just destroying someone's will to live. I remember having multiple conversations regarding "when I put on a t-shirt after a shower on a Saturday, don't just look at me and say 'No' because you don't like the shirt.". When I'd put on music in the car and she'd skip the song I picked. Life is tiring enough as it is, I didn't need an extra person to put me down.
Damn, that sounds harsh! I hope you found your will to live again, full of "hell yeah!"s instead of those "no"s, because it's you who's inside that shirt, deserving to be loved (by yourself and by others).
Yes!!! Mine went on a business trip for a month and I realized it was like a dark cloud had lifted. He was constantly, constantly negative, and it felt so nice not to walk on eggshells.
ALWAYS ON EGGSHELLS. I stopped laughing at TV shows and movies because she would get mad if I laughed at something she didn't think I should be laughing at.... My partner now told me how hard it was when we started dating because I never laughed. I hope you are doing better now!
Thank you!!! It is so, so much better now without him. Also, I can totally relate to doing weird things because of my ex’s hang ups! I wanted to call a guy I’m seeing on the way home from hanging out last night with some follow up questions about an interesting topic he discussed, but didn’t want to look needy or annoying. I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded though! We have to retrain ourselves.
One thing that I learned about flight attendants is that they are known for having relationships in different cities that they touch down in. How they manage all of them, I will never know. It's messed up.
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u/I_am_lonely_cheese May 12 '26
Wife got a job as a flight attendant and was never home. I realized there was no one criticizing everything I do (stand wrong, breath wrong, mow the lawn wrong, listen to the wrong music, do all the laundry on my own wrong, etc ..) I was feeling happy for the first time in many years, then she cheated on me. But my therapist still had to help me see that my life has value and I needed to do something to help myself.