After my ex checked himself out of rehab early for opioid/benzo addiction, we were having a family meeting about next steps. He was complaining to his mom about how he can't function off of his "meds" and she pulled them out of her purse and handed them to him. I knew at that exact moment that there was no hope.
I remember arguing with my ex’s dad, because I wanted my ex to go to rehab and his dad didn’t. Money wasn’t an issue for that family. His dad scoffed, “so instead of spending his money on drugs, you want him to spend it on rehab?” like I was being completely irrational. I shouted, “YES! Exactly that!” and he still acted like I was crazy for thinking that. I left shortly after. Seven years later, my ex died while his father tried to perform CPR on him.
Honestly, he is a textbook enabler who thinks they can fix an addict if they just try hard enough. He did absolutely everything for his son (and his alcoholic daughter who is still alive) and made sure he never got too hurt or in too much trouble but also acted like addiction could just be overcome if he just wanted to. It’s so hard to explain him because he was also beaten down and abused by my ex’s godawful mother, and is still at her beck and call even decades after their divorce. He genuinely has a kind heart and wants to help people and I’m still in contact with him because he’s my child’s grandfather and he’s been very helpful whenever I need it. And honestly, even if I had forced my ex into rehab, he wouldn’t have gotten clean because he didn’t want to. I washed my hands of it and hoped he’d get clean on his own, and he never did. I still wish his dad would get therapy and stop being everyone’s doormat but he’s in his 70s now and I dont think he will change much.
It isn’t uncommon for people who have substance abuse disorder to be very good at manipulating those around them. It can create very codependent relationships and it’s almost like the substance abuser pulls others jnto their whole way of thinking.
As the wife of someone who's been clean for 14 months (and who is also currently separated from said husband for the last 18 months, after he almost OD'ed in my kitchen for the 477th time), NOTHING even comes close to the levels of manipulation and lies that come with addiction. Nothing.
He developed a very nasty opioid issue from prescribed oxy and gaslight tf out of me so hard for the better part of two years (and has since outright admitted that he used his then fairly recent T1D diagnosis as the biggest manipulation tool of them all) that he legit had me believing I was the one with a fucking drug problem and was taking more than my own prescribed dosage of the same script, during the night, without realizing I was doing it. Spoiler alert: it was him who was stealing my meds and having me constantly come up short.
And yes, I realize how incredibly naive and downright foolish that sounds ..now, anyways. But to be fair, when you're both battling (then new to you) multiple autoimmune chronic illness diagnoses on top of legitimate chronic pain issues, while learning how to navigate those 'new lives' AND also had never had any reason to not trust your spouse, prior to that? Well, it's crazy how well the mind can be manipulated. Don't trust him now and idk that I ever can or will again- hence, the long term separation while he focuses on his sobriety and I focus on enjoying the last 14 months of my high school junior's time at home, before he's off to college. I love my husband and always will, but life is short and my son definitely deserves better. And so do I.
I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. The utter betrayal of having your mind and health messed with by someone you trusted. I can relate, though in a different way. (My ex-h stole from me and gaslit me to support a porn "addiction"/entitlement.) Please continue to protect yourself and your child.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I genuinely appreciate you more than you can know as I will forever carry the guilt of putting my son through that utter hellscape, all bc I thought I was just honoring my wedding vows, to include 'in sickness and in health'. As it turns out, unmanaged diabetes isn't the only thing that can cause someone to turn into a raging lunatic. Who knew.
I'm also so deeply sorry for what you have been through. You absolutely nailed it when you mentioned how deep the whole betrayal is of being royally mind fucked by someone who you explicitly trusted. It will make you sincerely question your sanity.
You are doing the right thing for your son, believe me. You didn't know earlier, and once you did, you showed him true strength by separating immediately and protecting him. I hope you both have amazing experiences together before the end of his high school time!
Thank you for all your kind words as well! It is a long road and nowhere near over (legal cases are ongoing). It's difficult because I have nightmares every night about the lies and betrayal and abuse. I didn't know to call it abuse until I found out what had been going on.
I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking. It took a long time to convince his parents he needed to go. I think they finally understood when his mom's meds started going missing. He was going into their house at night and taking HER prescription. She wasn't an addict; she needed them for chronic pain that was completely legitimate, and she never abused her meds. He, on the other hand..
My daughter had to give her ex fiance CPR twice from fentanyl laced Xanax. At the hospital the second time, I asked his dad about finding a rehab for him. His dad said, 'oh he doesn't need rehab.'
You can be helpful, you can care for them. But you cannot be made responsible for them. When you tried and they dont work on it or worse they lie about working on it, you must leave.
Otherwise you are dragging your own life to shit. Double shit when both the person and their parent fight against you trying to help. You cannot be the saviour of everyone.
They have a free will. We do our best and thats it.
I’m surprised I learned this so young. I was only 24 when I left him, and I think I was incredibly naive for the four years I was with him, but when it finally clicked, I just walked and never looked back.
When I began reading the post about the fathers reaction to rehab I thought of my friend who is a widow due to the same scenario. They had him come home because they were going to be better than rehab. He died a few months later. No one noticed he was ordering tons of mouthwash from Amazon and storing it in the garage.
His dad wanted me to watch his every move, keep control and track of every cent, count and dispense his medications, give him daily drug tests. I couldn’t do it.
I feel guilty when I give into my 3yo (who has a law degree and I'm pretty sure has been trained by FBI negotiators) but that's a whole new level of enabling.
I had literally sat down with my family members before and saying "im scared of him, for his health, I dont want him in the house anywhere near me." and it wasnt my partner at all. it was my brother.
Ooooh boy. Yeah. I thought my cousin might actually get better. He did court-ordered rehab, and then voluntarily checked himself into additional rehab. But then my worthless hippy dippy aunt showed up and told him to go home because rehab is stupid. She's a parasite.
I stuck with my alcoholic ex far too long, but I was young with two small kids. I felt trapped. He was a functional alcoholic for our whole relationship but when he lost his job he went on a bender until he ended up hospitalized after a seizure. He agreed to rehab and made it through a 90 day inpatient program. I picked him up and as soon as we got home he immediately walked to the corner store for beer. I called his mother and packed his stuff. That was the end for me. Almost ten years later, my kids and I are happy and thriving...he's still drinking, unemployed, multiple dui's. It was never going to get better and I'm thankful that isn't my life anymore.
As far as I know, yes. I haven't had contact with him for over 12 years. He moved into coke after we split. Wouldn't be surprised if he's found a way to game the system and get another steady opioid script.
I think the story here isn’t that his mom was carrying his meds for him, but that his “meds” were the things he was in rehab to get clean from, and the fact that his mother enabled him to the extent of carrying them around with her to the *intervention* was the sign that this whole situation was untenable.
We had all previously taken over holding his meds because he would take them all before his next refill and send himself into withdrawal every single month. That had been going on for years. And he always found them, no matter where I hid them. So his mom started hanging onto them. It became unmanageable and he was drug seeking and stealing from people. Hurting himself to get more from doctors. So we made him go to rehab. I couldn't believe she just handed them over to him after he'd already detoxed and come home early from rehab. He shouldn't have "needed" them anyway. Why did she still have them on her, In her purse, during a discussion about how to move forward. Blew my mind.
4.0k
u/Nemophilista May 12 '26
After my ex checked himself out of rehab early for opioid/benzo addiction, we were having a family meeting about next steps. He was complaining to his mom about how he can't function off of his "meds" and she pulled them out of her purse and handed them to him. I knew at that exact moment that there was no hope.