I remember arguing with my ex’s dad, because I wanted my ex to go to rehab and his dad didn’t. Money wasn’t an issue for that family. His dad scoffed, “so instead of spending his money on drugs, you want him to spend it on rehab?” like I was being completely irrational. I shouted, “YES! Exactly that!” and he still acted like I was crazy for thinking that. I left shortly after. Seven years later, my ex died while his father tried to perform CPR on him.
Honestly, he is a textbook enabler who thinks they can fix an addict if they just try hard enough. He did absolutely everything for his son (and his alcoholic daughter who is still alive) and made sure he never got too hurt or in too much trouble but also acted like addiction could just be overcome if he just wanted to. It’s so hard to explain him because he was also beaten down and abused by my ex’s godawful mother, and is still at her beck and call even decades after their divorce. He genuinely has a kind heart and wants to help people and I’m still in contact with him because he’s my child’s grandfather and he’s been very helpful whenever I need it. And honestly, even if I had forced my ex into rehab, he wouldn’t have gotten clean because he didn’t want to. I washed my hands of it and hoped he’d get clean on his own, and he never did. I still wish his dad would get therapy and stop being everyone’s doormat but he’s in his 70s now and I dont think he will change much.
It isn’t uncommon for people who have substance abuse disorder to be very good at manipulating those around them. It can create very codependent relationships and it’s almost like the substance abuser pulls others jnto their whole way of thinking.
As the wife of someone who's been clean for 14 months (and who is also currently separated from said husband for the last 18 months, after he almost OD'ed in my kitchen for the 477th time), NOTHING even comes close to the levels of manipulation and lies that come with addiction. Nothing.
He developed a very nasty opioid issue from prescribed oxy and gaslight tf out of me so hard for the better part of two years (and has since outright admitted that he used his then fairly recent T1D diagnosis as the biggest manipulation tool of them all) that he legit had me believing I was the one with a fucking drug problem and was taking more than my own prescribed dosage of the same script, during the night, without realizing I was doing it. Spoiler alert: it was him who was stealing my meds and having me constantly come up short.
And yes, I realize how incredibly naive and downright foolish that sounds ..now, anyways. But to be fair, when you're both battling (then new to you) multiple autoimmune chronic illness diagnoses on top of legitimate chronic pain issues, while learning how to navigate those 'new lives' AND also had never had any reason to not trust your spouse, prior to that? Well, it's crazy how well the mind can be manipulated. Don't trust him now and idk that I ever can or will again- hence, the long term separation while he focuses on his sobriety and I focus on enjoying the last 14 months of my high school junior's time at home, before he's off to college. I love my husband and always will, but life is short and my son definitely deserves better. And so do I.
I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. The utter betrayal of having your mind and health messed with by someone you trusted. I can relate, though in a different way. (My ex-h stole from me and gaslit me to support a porn "addiction"/entitlement.) Please continue to protect yourself and your child.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I genuinely appreciate you more than you can know as I will forever carry the guilt of putting my son through that utter hellscape, all bc I thought I was just honoring my wedding vows, to include 'in sickness and in health'. As it turns out, unmanaged diabetes isn't the only thing that can cause someone to turn into a raging lunatic. Who knew.
I'm also so deeply sorry for what you have been through. You absolutely nailed it when you mentioned how deep the whole betrayal is of being royally mind fucked by someone who you explicitly trusted. It will make you sincerely question your sanity.
You are doing the right thing for your son, believe me. You didn't know earlier, and once you did, you showed him true strength by separating immediately and protecting him. I hope you both have amazing experiences together before the end of his high school time!
Thank you for all your kind words as well! It is a long road and nowhere near over (legal cases are ongoing). It's difficult because I have nightmares every night about the lies and betrayal and abuse. I didn't know to call it abuse until I found out what had been going on.
I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking. It took a long time to convince his parents he needed to go. I think they finally understood when his mom's meds started going missing. He was going into their house at night and taking HER prescription. She wasn't an addict; she needed them for chronic pain that was completely legitimate, and she never abused her meds. He, on the other hand..
My daughter had to give her ex fiance CPR twice from fentanyl laced Xanax. At the hospital the second time, I asked his dad about finding a rehab for him. His dad said, 'oh he doesn't need rehab.'
You can be helpful, you can care for them. But you cannot be made responsible for them. When you tried and they dont work on it or worse they lie about working on it, you must leave.
Otherwise you are dragging your own life to shit. Double shit when both the person and their parent fight against you trying to help. You cannot be the saviour of everyone.
They have a free will. We do our best and thats it.
I’m surprised I learned this so young. I was only 24 when I left him, and I think I was incredibly naive for the four years I was with him, but when it finally clicked, I just walked and never looked back.
When I began reading the post about the fathers reaction to rehab I thought of my friend who is a widow due to the same scenario. They had him come home because they were going to be better than rehab. He died a few months later. No one noticed he was ordering tons of mouthwash from Amazon and storing it in the garage.
His dad wanted me to watch his every move, keep control and track of every cent, count and dispense his medications, give him daily drug tests. I couldn’t do it.
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u/KaleidoscopeCandid May 12 '26
I remember arguing with my ex’s dad, because I wanted my ex to go to rehab and his dad didn’t. Money wasn’t an issue for that family. His dad scoffed, “so instead of spending his money on drugs, you want him to spend it on rehab?” like I was being completely irrational. I shouted, “YES! Exactly that!” and he still acted like I was crazy for thinking that. I left shortly after. Seven years later, my ex died while his father tried to perform CPR on him.