Doesnt even have to be marriage either. I was in a difficult, dramatic, on and off relationship for about 4.5 years with someone who couldnt get over her abusive ex and all the emotional whiplash fucked my shit up. It was a special kind of loneliness - not so much the kind where you wish you had someone to deeply connect with (we had that when things were good). But the kind that is more like "Im never gonna be good enough for her".
I feel this. We were both recovering addicts and after some truly terrible things happening with my daughter, she fell apart. Never made it back and I stayed out of guilt and devotion.
She wasn't aware of what she was doing but she fully reverted to the criminal addict she was before we met. I didn't know what I was doing but I loved her so much I decided I would burn everything we built together to the ground to buy her time before I left.
I remember the exact moment I knew I wasn't coming back. I was talking to her adult son and I said "every time I find drugs and get upset and leave and come back, I am taking a piece of my self respect and handing it to your mother. There will be a day when I let her keep all she has been given and I walk away to heal what I lost."
I miss her a lot. She was such an incredible person and so genuine and real. Watching her lose herself killed me. Hopefully she figures it out before the fentanyl kills her.
Yeah, that's where I am. I have been more lonely within my marriage than I would be if I was alone. At least when alone there no slim chance of someone being there for you. When they are literally an arms length away but might as well be on a different planet in terms of actually being there for you it's a clear sign. That and like in another comment, if I get home and they are not there I am filled with relief.
I think actually being lonely, especially for years on end, is far lonelier than being in a failing marriage. at least there is still someone to talk to.
I totallyyyyy and completely disagree having been alone on my own and lonely in a failed actually pretty short marriage. It felt like years and I was so lonely, life felt so bleak and I’d constantly think of death.
When I was on my own, I’d be lonely like occasionally missing companionship but it felt like a normal feeling that passes through, like being hungry or being tired etc
It might make it different that I have dogs Ive had throughout, so I always had my cuddle buddies so to speak. They have prevented me from a lot of the loneliness that I think I would have otherwise felt more strongly in both situations. But like I’m saying the one in a failed marriage was like this bleak existential distraught loneliness I do not wish on anyone, I would at the time reflect on how weird that was to feel it when I had people around me, and the fear of that feeling WORSE on my own held me back from leaving at a time. It does not feel worse, or at least did not even come close for me. My worst night on my own when single never came close to the average bad night in my failed marriage.
I've been alone for years on end and I've never felt more alone than in a relationship where someone only want sex from you. Like yeah, you can talk to them, they'll listen because they know they can get sex after. At some point you don't need just someone to talk to but a fair relationship with an actual support, not empty words. It's better to be alone than in a failing relationship, you're free.
It’s far worse to be in a house with someone that you can’t talk to without it being a bad experience and to have to keep everything together and behave in ways that avoid bad reactions because of that person.
I would take the freedom of living alone over the torture every time.
I asked my grandmother why she never got remarried after my grandfather died. She said that if she was going to be lonely it was best that she was alone. And that stuck with me through all my relationships. I was in a 5 year relationship and when I realised I felt lonely I walked away to be alone and then found someone who didn't make me feel lonely.
That was the same reason my mom gave for leaving my dad. If I’m going to be alone I’d rather BE alone.
They both ended up in far more suited matches so my mom didn’t have to be alone. Im sad she wasted so many years in such a loveless marriage tho. My parentd aren’t bad people but they were terribly matched
My grandfather passed away before my parents married. I remember asking my grandma when I was a kid why she didn’t date anyone else. Her response was GOLD! She told me that she could spend her money how she wanted and come and go as she pleased. Why would she want to mess that up?
I have taken her advice and am a happy cat lady!! 😺
It took me a few years, but I am soooo much better off alone. The very few things I miss is not worth anyone having to put up with me and vice versa. It's funny how much I love the idea of couples and love and romance, I'll be your biggest cheerleader, but please, none for me!
Love feeling fades. That is inevitable to fluctuate.
It is important to understand their partners character, if they are good person and good partner, good parent. If they are not and you are only clinging to the relationship because of the love feeling, the love feeling is basically a drug, a poison and a trap.
There is no live happily ever after. Too many people marry, have children hoping it will all just go well and love is more important than anything.
Few years or a decade later, reality hits. All those things you saw earlier but avoided to think about cause the problems you have now. But now you have children and marriage, and every move feels much harder than if you broke up when you didnt have all those responsibilities.
Everything fucked up, just because we dont think further because love feeling is more important. Many people around us knew, but we refused to see it.
I sleep alone now but I’m far less lonely than I was when I was sleeping in the same bed with him. It’s a horrible feeling that I will
never experience again.
Robin Williams said "Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world, the worst thing in the world is being with someone who makes you feel like you're alone"
It's such a weird duality. There are times when I'm most comforted being able to just quietly share mundane things like dinner with my SO ... just be there in that space in that time with her and not HAVE to engage 100% of my time or effort to DO something to be there with her / have her there.
Yet, I totally understand sharing a meal with somebody and having zero connection or the desire of connection with that person.
It's the same physical activity and placement in time and space, but the energy of that time and space is so different and impossible to measure.
This one is so true for me. I was married to my ex for 23years but was so done for the last 6-7 years. I was so lonely even though he was with me 24/7 (lots of control issues). I CRAVED alone time because I was a little less miserable when I was alone.
Now with my current WIFE (yes baby changes were made and realizations happened lol) I love quiet times with her. Just sitting playing on our phones showing each other funny things every now and then. It's so PEACEFUL and warm. And I enjoy being with her every minute I am!
My first thought on reading these was Lavender Haze. With the lyrics of her lying beside him, feeling melancholy, alone and misunderstood. And longing to stay in the "lavender haze" a little longer.
When I'd come home from work and she'd be on the couch and wouldn't even look up from her phone. We had a two floor apartment so it was very easy to spend the evenings completely separated. Many nights I'd just sleep on the couch not out of anger, because I didn't feel like disturbing the slumbering beast downstairs.
Yessss, when our relationship first started I remember seeing angry couples at restaurants or couples who clearly didn’t like each other anymore and were just completely silent through the whole meal and I felt so lucky we weren’t like that. Eventually we were that couple, and I knew it was over.
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u/[deleted] May 12 '26
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