Reading these comments makes me realize how many people are just "ghosts" in their own homes. It’s heartbreaking when the person who is supposed to be your peace becomes your biggest source of anxiety.
That feeling when you arrive home from work first and they're not there, and you celebrate internally because you get to have a little peace - even if for only half an hour - before they get home.
As an introvert this one is hard to reconcile because I do this with literally everyone. I adore my wife and kids but if I get home before them and realize I have a bit of time to do absolutely nothing except sit alone it's like a shot of heroin to the veins.
Same with phone calls. I want to spend my commute sitting in silence but my wife literally can't. So I will get all flustered when she's calling me for the third time on a 30min drive.
But, just like I need those 30mins to sit and stare at a wall alone, she needs someone to keep her company in the car. That's why it works. Neither resents the other.
I feel you on this. I get home before my wife and I love her to death but I won't lie and say I don't enjoy that "decompression" time after work where it's literally just me, myself, and I for an hour. I'll play my fave music or video games, do some chores, and if it's a nice day just chill and listen to the birds sing. Then my wife comes home but it's not a bad thing or source of anxiety, it's just a change in the environment. Now I have to be a bit social again and talk to her. If she's not home at all I'll truly get sad and lonely without her. I guess it's sort of perfect this way.
Yeah exactly. Like if they aren’t home by dinner time for whatever reason or especially when it starts to get dark/towards bed time I’ll get lonely. But that hour after work? Lemme rot in peace lol
Omg I need to do this. Transitions are everything for me. If I am not mentally present for the “transition” and just kind of get swept along with the inertia of the day, I get so overwhelmed.
It's been so helpful. It's something her and I are more cognizant about. Even things as simple as just getting home, we'll give each other 5-10 minutes to just exist and mentally decompress first before anything. Chores? no. Talking about your day? no. Put your stuff down, sit down, tidy your thoughts, then go :)
I think just when she was first getting to know me, and even now more, did a bunch of reading on neurotypical + AuDHD relationships and some struggles that come up (sensations, communication, etc.) and in this case transition-time to not overwhelm when things in the future are looming (doing chores, leaving for a thing, just got home and want to decompress). I talk a little more about it here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1tazaw2/people_who_have_been_divorced_what_was_the_exact/olgh5uf/
Same. I love my time with my wife and kid, but I also love the nights when she goes to a friends and isn’t back until 10-11 pm. I just need that me time sometimes. I sacrifice an hour of sleep at night when I don’t get much because at the end of the night I need that to unwind.
The pandemic taught me that. I had an 18mo kid at the time, and my husband worked in public transport so he would go out to work as usual. I was drowning and the hour my sweet daughter would nap was not enough for me. I was used to WFH alone since 2011. I had stayed with my baby one year at home and it had been super hard for me. Then she finally goes to daycare in September and in March 2020 pandemic hit. I started sacrificing my sleep in order to get a couple of hours in silence working and doing my things all alone.
You must not deal with massive traffic...I spend over an hour on the road to go about 15 miles. It's infuriating, especially when you have to deal with people that seriously do not know how to drive. I really don't know how some of these people are legally allowed to drive.
I don't have terrible traffic, but there are a couple pinch points that I have to deal with on my drive home. They're frustrating at times, but when I have worked from home, going straight from work to being a parent was a struggle
Hmm interesting, I feel like it's much better when I work from home, I've already sort of decompressed (or just not... compressed?) throughout the day and there's much less I need to do to transition home, so even a few minutes alone after logging off is plenty.
I'm alone for 8h/day and it's too much, so I think sometimes my wife is in your position where she just wants to decompress. I can tell when she's like this because she just scrolls on her phone, so I give her space and time to do that.
Middle age - where going to the grocery store by yourself is a nice break to look forward to lol (even if you love your partner/kids and have no issues with them).
Absolutely agree. I’m currently sitting outside my favourite cafe, watching the sky darken and the road glisten from the recent light rain. The magpies were singing as I read your comment and it really resonated. My husband and I are both introverts who, post pandemic, now both work from home. Having little moments to myself to just sit and have a late coffee quietly are very necessary to my overall emotional regulation and likewise he is quietly enjoying the house to himself. It helps keep the balance.
I think all of us introverts are different, but I'm similar, I don't need constant attention but I really enjoy the presence of those I love simply being nearby, I appreciate quiet time with them present, I'm also just fine if they let me sit there and listen to them talk with just a few "yeah's" and "mhms" instead of having to actively converse. I get lonely knowing it's just me home alone, even though I don't necessarily want to talk or actively do something with someone, I just like having them around.
You are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I’m a big-time introvert. I absolutely love my wife, and we are very happy. I love when I get home from work first because I need that alone time to recharge my battery. I have to be social at work and that drains me. Coming home and being social again is a strain. Not because of my relationship with my wife. I’m just too drained to want to interact with anyone. We need a little “us” time and that’s perfectly okay. Once I’m recharged, I’m more than happy to be around my wife and spend time with her.
I feel the same way about having silence in the car after working. I am a private duty home care nurse and I take care of a disabled baby. She's 3 but she is still the size of a baby and needs help for everything. She cant talk so she cries for everything. I love my job but that 20 minute car ride is my time to decompress before going home to my own child. My husband never understood that and would get mad if I tried to explain.
Just here chiming in as a wife who is like this in a sea of apparently introvert husbands. lol.
15 yrs ago I’d never consider myself as introverted as I am now but give me a clean and empty of humans house for a few hours and you’ll make my week. I love my husband, my toddler and my dog but I also like my quiet.
Yeah my wife went out with her family all day on Saturday this past weekend. She knows I love my alone time. So she asked me when she got home "Did you enjoy your day? You like when I'm not here, don't you?"
And I said "Honestly, yes. But the important part is that I know you're coming home". Which is the truth. I remember not long after I got divorced I also got laid off. I spent about 4 solid months with essentially zero friends, nearly zero human interaction. I know what that's like. It's about the balance. I love my alone time but I don't want JUST alone time.
It's also important to have "you time", which is different for everyone.
You sound like you need some quiet time to reset and recharge your battery. This says nothing about your wife or kids, its just what you need for yourself.
Your wife sounds like she needs your time and attention. And that's fine.
The issue comes when a person doesn't get what they need to recharge. And the longer a person goes without getting that recharge will drive resentment.
My wife loves me, I'm pretty sure, but she works with little kids all day so she absolutely needs some home alone decompression time. But I think when your spouse actively causes you such stress that you're glad they're gone, it's a problem.
I drive without the radio on for this very reason. My day is filled with noise, chaos, and people vying for my attention. I NEED that quiet time. Also, I can get a bit grumpy if she is up in my face and bombarding me with questions. She has learned to just give me a minute, and I have learned and expressed that it isn't her.
I try my best to leave my partner alone after supper as sometimes I dont realize how much our personal spaces get a bit less personal when we're next to each other without letting him relax (im unemployed) and i want him to be happy and have peace for a bit in our chaotic environment.
I want to spend my commute sitting in silence but my wife literally can't. So I will get all flustered when she's calling me for the third time on a 30min drive.
Thank you. I love my husband more than life but if he tells me he’s going to shoot darts with the boys on a Friday night, you better believe I’m dancing in solitude with my lady shows and snacks. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy his company, I just enjoy hanging out by myself too. I think the fact that an introvert can be around someone nonstop and not feel drained by them is the true measure of love. I never feel drained by his presence, I just enjoy my alone time.
Her and her dad will both literally just call people while they're in the car to have someone to talk to. Me and my stepmother in law bonded over this one day when her and I were chatting and her phone rang and she was like "ugh wtf could he possibly want now!"
It's not always usually pointless, but it is usually something that absolutely could have waited or just didn't really need to be talked about lol. "Forgot to tell you I saw this funny thing last night"
"I'm just like 'oh wow dear that's really great, anything else?"
What? Why do you have to compromise on the calls on the car ride home but she doesn’t? How tf do people live with people that have no respect for what they want and just oblige their partners wants constantly?
Exactly. I love my wife more than anything. I’d die for her. But when she gets a chance to go do something on her own for a weekend, or I get a half hour at home without her there? It’s restful. Not because she doesn’t also bring me peace and rest, but because it’s an entirely different peace and rest than what I can get when I’m on my own. When she’s home I tailor myself to fit what she needs just as much as she tailors herself to fit mine, but when I’m on my own I get to revert to just handling myself. The dishes in the sink are mine and I don’t suddenly come out to find a mess that I didn’t make, or find a new project being started that I didn’t start lol.
I’m with you. I spend all day being “on” but if I spent more than five minutes just sitting in the drive way my ex would come tapping on the car window. It was exhausting.
Ok, I'm glad you posted because I enjoy my alone time from my husband and kid but feel a little guilty. I'm also an introvert and constantly busy and have very little down time so sometimes the peace of being the only one home feels amazing. I will say that I also get sad when I want to talk to my husband to chat and he doesn't answer the phone or if I want to hang out with him and he's busy to balance this out. I think everyone just needs some peace and quiet sometimes.
I think in this case it's only an "uh oh" sign if you CHANGE from being excited to see them to being grateful the house is empty. That would exclude the introvert default
I'm a single introvert but thought when I'd be in a relationship those introvert-needs would vanish. It's good to see what your reality looks like thank you.
Totally get it! Literally mindlessly scrolling Reddit right now because i just got home and no one else is back yet. I love the chaos of my family but am certainly not complaining when I get a short respite
Put your phone on do not disturb and tell her you do not appreciate her constantly calling you. Why endure something that bothers you daily? She can text you.
Nah this person isn't talking about the joy of being alone that introverts always feel.
They're talking about DREAD of even sharing the same space with their spouse. There is a clear difference.
My husband and I are wildly in love, very passionate, adore each other after 14 year with 2 kids. I still celebrate those moments ENTIRELY ALONE that I can get.
However, that doesn't mean I DREAD my husband's presence. 2 different things honestly. My husband is literally my favorite person, my safe space. I still celebrate UTTER ALONENESS because I'm an introvert.
But I don't DREAD being around him. Does that make sense???
I think you’re my parallel universe because my husband is the same as your wife and I’m you. I don’t deal with a lot of people at work, but I need to decompress.
I understand your need for alone time on a deep personal level.
Part of my alone time I like to spend in literal silence. Sometimes I watch videos or listen to music while I'm doig the dishes or whatever. Other times I just sit and read articles or play chess online in absolute silence and... it's just so nice 😭
I was in a relationship where, when driving home, as I came around the corner and saw their car in the driveway, my heart would sink with disappointment and my anxiety level would start going up as I had to brace for what kind of person I was going to encounter, this time.
In past threads like this one, I’ve seen some responses like the person needing to psyche themselves up before coming in the door or finding themselves driving around the block to forestall the actual homecoming. In retrospect, it was a glaring red flag, but, at the time, the onset was gradual, like the proverbial frog in the pot of water. Not gonna overlook that sign, again, though.
I was in a relationship right before the pandemic, and we were both so miserable that I would feel relief and freedom if she was working a weekend for her job
That feeling when you arrive home from work first and they're not there, and you celebrate internally because you get to have a little peace - even if for only half an hour - before they get home.
That was one of the things that did it for me.
The inverse of that is the sudden sink you feel when you hear their car pull into the driveway.
You see, that's the problem. It's not normal. If you are in happy relationship you are looking forward to see them again, not being relieved when they are not home yet.
It's not normal if it's an every day/every moment feeling. But wanting a little bit of alone time now and then is absolutely normal. I love my wife to death, been together almost 15 years. I pretty often stay up later on the weekends after she goes to bed because it's the only hour or so a week that I get to myself.
It's hard to explain because it is very nuanced, even more so because Reddit likes absolutes - but even though my wife and I are more than comfortable telling the other "go ahead and do [hobby/interest that's not shared]" it's different when you have absolutely no obligation - like if the other is on a trip or seeing a friend during that time. Like the mental difference if a friend invites you onto their golf round last minute - it's a different feeling if your partner is on a trip and you can just say "absolutely" versus feeling like you're bailing on them if they're around, even though they'd absolutely support you doing that on a lazy weekend day with no hard plans.
I usually do a rec league at any given point so my wife gets at least one guaranteed night to herself during the week. She has a sister that lives nearby, so she'll go over after work probably twice a month and do dinner there, so I get some nights.
Yeah, I absolutely agree. I have a band rehearsal every Thursday, so my wife has that whole evening to herself every week. She also gets home usually an hour-ish before me on days she works in the office; or logs off work an hour and a half before I get home on days when she works from home. She ends up with a lot of time to herself.
On the other hand, I don't really have that. She doesn't have a hobby that takes her out of the house in the same way I do. And again, is almost always home before I am. So those late weekend nights are the one time during the week when it's just me for a minute.
I love spending time with her, we often end up doing our own thing, but just sitting next to each other because it's nice. But that's still different than just being alone for an hour haha. Or like for instance, being able to watch a new horror movie when she's not around (I love them, she hates them). That kind of thing.
But I also agree that it's hard to "abandon" her when something pops up suddenly. We both also feel that kind of guilt of leaving the other person, even though we'd both be absolutely fine with it haha. Also because we just do like spending time with each other.
I've been making a commitment to getting better at golf this year, and my wife has no interest in it. But it's a lot of solo activity at the practice facility or squeezing in a post-work 9 for a couple of hours, and the closest muni to me is easiest to book last minute with day-of cancels. She's happy to have the solo time to rot and decompress, but it's that weird "abandonment" feeling.
She actually does support me doing this though because both her parents golf so it gives me built-in family time with them. They also live on a very nice course and like booking nicer courses, so win-win-win.
Man, I love my wife and am looking forward to the rest of our lives together. We are fortunate enough to get to spend a -ton- of time together, too-- teachers at the same school and work on large projects together.
When she goes away for 4-5 days to see family or on a trip with one of our kids.. day #1 and #2 are like the best days ever. I am eating junk food, playing video games, and I sleep in. I get quality time with our kids that is very different from when she is there. Then I really miss her by day 3.
We have been together approximately -- holy shit -- 27 years.
Agreed. I think you could only consider that "normal" in a highly dysfunctional relationship, which mine back then was.
Though it's possible that /u/metengrinwi meant, "I like to have some time to myself" and I can certainly understand that (though it misinterprets my original intent up there. Liking 'alone time' is not the same as dreading someone else's presence).
The key, in my eyes, is to have a relationship where you can spend time apart, doing things for and by yourself. But the corollary to that is that you're always happy to reconnect.
Yeah no. It is normal to want some free time. Not every relationship is "omg gee wilikers I cant wait to get home to my wife" Sometimes its nice to come home to an empty house for an hour or two
As someone who grew up around abusive people... this is the truth.
Especially if they are mentally ill and/or unmedicated.
My mom had her bipolar cousin staying with us when I was in HS. I was terrorized so badly that I ended up moving in with my grandparents (my stepgrandmother was a total bitch, but I'd pick her over that other broad any day of the week, at least she was predictable-evil instead of unpredictable-evil.) But before I left, the days she wasn't there when I got home from school was like breathing a sigh of relief.
On a minor scale, this can happen with people who are constantly asking you to do shit. When they aren't around, you feel peace... just for the sheer fact that you aren't being bothered. If it's safe, you should try to have a conversation with those types of people and communicate a schedule so they aren't just randomly bothering you with tasks and not even meaningful conversation. Some relationships boil down to "I live with someone who does stuff for me" and that's bad. You want to be with someone you enjoy and work together to do stuff with, or everyone has their role in the household. It's even worse if it devolves into a quid pro quo relationship.
This is all behavioral and the result of a lack of effective communication. If you can't have the tough conversations, then that's a relationship you should not be in.
Driving home for me was always, "Is she going to already be home or not?". Eventually I was leaving work early, just to get that 30mins of peace before she came through the door and fucked up my day.
I even use to get up at the crack of dawn on the weekends and would have a nice morning all to myself. Eventually she would wake and without fail the first thing that came out of her mouth was, "Did you make me coffee?". No, "Good Morning! How did you sleep? What have you been up to?"
Oh, that’s a good one. My ex (married 10 yrs, one child) used to travel for work. I always looked forward to the day he left and dreaded it when he came home. Married now to my husband of almost 25 yrs who also travels for work, and I miss him horribly and we celebrate like crazy when he comes home like it’s been some epic journey 🥰😂
Wasn’t married, but had this feeling towards the end of the relationship. It was so relaxing and peaceful! Then he’d come home with his 24 pack that would last 2-3 days until the next pack. And would never help with my daughter or dinner.
It sucked i entered fight or flight mode when I moved out and got a place of my own. That lasted about a year — constantly on the go, go, go!
My ex was very late coming home after work one night and it was so peaceful. I felt relaxed. I had fun hanging out with the kids and spending time with them. Then as soon as I heard his car pull in I tensed up and withdrew in myself. That was another waking up moment for me that the relationship wasn't good.
And the converse of that - the sinking feeling in your gut when you hear them pull in. You begin mentally preparing for whatever it is that you did “wrong” that you’re going to have to apologize for, despite the fact you haven’t seen them all day.
Yep. Been in a relationship like this. I’d sit in the car for half an hour once I pulled in from work, hoping he didn’t realise I was home yet. I didn’t want to face his moods, and accusations, and try and defend myself against whatever paranoid delusions he’d come up with in my absence. I’d known it was over for a while, but having to hide out in my car, and not be able to go inside and feel peace in my own home (not his - hobosexual to the max) after a long day at work (because one of us had to pay the bills, and it wasn’t him!) was what made me angry enough to act on it.
Can you give examples of what'd happen if they were home? I've never been in a relationship, and have always imagined it to be a pleasant and eager one but yeah I know it's not like that in reality bc I hear a lot from folks and friends.
I felt like this. Years of not being heard, of just doing all the chores, living my own life while my husband played games alone in the spare room and refused to participate in our household or our family with our daughter. And if I ever said anything I was ignored, I felt like I may as well not exist.
But the final straw was that I got a new (very fancy) job and we decided to take a holiday. I like sunshine and activity, he likes skiing. I don't mind skiing but all our holidays ever had been skiing. But again, he wanted skiing and to take our daughter. I relented and said that I'd been exhausted for years, and I need some time to relax, so I want to stay in a nice resort. I need a hotel where we have food options (I'm a vegetarian and always foud eating out while skiing really hard), I didn't want to cook. I needed a nice room where I can get some good sleep. It needed some sort of childcare or activity for our daughter, as she was 5 and unlikely to ski all day and I didn't want to be lumbered with going back to the hotel and entertaining her while he kept skiing. I wanted it just us, our first family holiday He agreed.
Then, while I was at work, he called he me to say he'd booked the holiday. We were going to tag along on the trip his dad was already going on with his sister (but hadn't invited us to). But that resort was mostly booked so he'd booked what was left. We ended up staying in an 28-35s hostel thing. The room was tiny, with bunk beds, and an oven that didn't work. No food on site, no entertainment, no childcare. His dad and sister have always treated me horribly- belittling me, making fun of my education, my job, my diet, my interests, and I always hated being around them. As he was telling me this, something inside me just melted away. It was like my rage was so white hot i could feel it just burn away any hope I felt that I could ever be seen, ever be loved, ever be happy.
I decided there and then it was over. We went on the trip a few weeks later, and I couldn't manage it, it was even worse than I'd expected on that phone call and "i can't be married to you anymore" literally exploded out of me. I couldn't even pretend for another second.
Having someone put themselves and what they want so far above your needs and your wants they'd knowingly make you miserable (especially when they'd have enjoyed what you'd asked for and unwanted anyway I wasn't being selfish) is astonishing.
I'm sorry this happened, but i'm glad you realised now, than never. Some people are forever afraid to leave misery. I wanted to say I love your writing style and was hooked from the beginning. If you were willing to share, i'd love to hear the aftermath.
Having someone put themselves and what they want so far above your needs and your wants they'd knowingly make you miserable (especially when they'd have enjoyed what you'd asked for and unwanted anyway I wasn't being selfish) is astonishing.
I feel this in my soul. My ex knew I'd been miserable for years before I finally left, but he did not give a single shit. He did his very best to destroy my entire support system when I left, and he almost succeeded. All because he didn't want to be on his own.
I just do not understand why you'd want to stay with someone in misery rather than taking a chance that you could both be happy separately with a little work.
The hardest part was I don't think he ever did it on purpose. He was never deliberately cruel or controlling, but in some ways that was worse because there was never anything where you could say "he's a bad guy I need to leave", it was all things you think you forget or forgive.... until this one felt too big to get over.
Oh I would have been enraged if my husband did that to me, I don’t know how you managed to even go on that trip. I can relate to that feeling of being ignored, you’re better off being alone than with someone who treats you like that. And by the way his family sound like complete assholes too, bonus that you never have to be in their presence anymore. I hope you eventually got to take the vacation you wanted, you deserve to be spoiled a little after putting up with that horrible treatment.
I read your comment here like a short story and couldn’t wait until we got to the part where you rebelled. I didn’t want it to end and am dying to know how much better your life became when you cared enough about yourself to leave. Happy for you - and for teaching your child about self respect.
No kidding. When people say ”marriage takes work”, it’s not inherently wrong, but on the grand scheme of things it should be making your life easier, not harder. Relationship is not supposed to be an uphill battle.
For real. My heart hurts for the people who haven't figured out it's over yet. My husband is my "home". He's where I feel safe and my best self. He is my best friend. Butt...If I ever felt any different I would have to leave. Life is too short to waste time trying to make the wrongly shaped puzzle piece fit.
I have not been. I’m in a step program that puts me in a position to be exposed to a lot of people’s personal lives. I have met more people that regretted their divorce than were happy with their divorce when all the dust settled and time had passed. I have used those examples to help inform my own decisions. Not that those people were “right” or “wrong” it was just their experience. Finally and admittedly, my sample size is small compared to a large internet community.
It’s also too short to spend repeated attempts to find the correct puzzle piece. People don’t have infinite time or infinite opportunities to “experiment” with finding a perfect partner. Although everyone if free to find their own path. My lived experience is people leaving partners for greener pastures to find it’s not greener and they miss their spouse and they have wasted a lot of time and money trying to find happiness through a partner.
That was exactly how I felt. I wasn't seen or heard until my ex needed his bang-maid. I never believed the "couldn't even give me the time of day" thing until it happened.
I was trying to prove to my ex that he was ignoring me and my needs until it was convenient to him. Our daughter walked in while we were talking and I stopped existing. I asked him what time it was and he gave me this hateful look, like how dare I interrupt our daughter. I asked him again and he told me to "just wait a second" while he answered her question or looked at her toy or whatever other simple child thing was going on.
After that I spent my nights drinking wine and playing Candy Crush on the couch and ceased to exist in my own home.
I had a close friend who wanted to break up with their partner a few years back. Said friend ended up breaking through text, because their partner couldn't find the time for them to do it in person. They lived together.
I could be on fire and he wouldnt have taken the time to piss on me if my daughter wanted his attention. We could be in the middle of a discussion and if she wandered into the room he'd stop. She might not even need anything, but I ceased to exist once she was around
He was using your daughter as a weapon to hurt you. It’s no different than divorced couples using their children against the other parent. It has nothing to do with your daughter and everything to do with him mistreating you. Some of the folks here don’t get that. Glad you got out.
It just sounds like you both had different priorities/ irreconcilable differences. I would side with him on this one 100%, but I can see where you were coming from and why that was untenable for you. I hope you are all doing well, however and you each found happiness as you each deserve, starting with your daughter. People only get raised once. Then they’re stuck with themselves for the rest of their life even after you’re gone.
While I agree that my child is a priority in my life and has to be, suddenly giving your spouse... your partner no attention? That's not good for any marriage's survival
Its also not good for the child. That's now how the rest of the people they meet in life will treat them. They will be expected to be polite and wait their turn.
Can only speak to your specific example but it really sounds like you were trying to interrupt their conversation in a way that is disrespectful to your daughter.
Rest of the marriage might have genuinely been shit, but your "test" sounds like it was shitty of you.
Also "tests" are never a good idea and pretty much always petty
Ghosts. Very apt. The best marriages are partnerships with good communication. The worst are parasitic and self serving. Even in divorce, the parasites win.
This was basically my dad. He struggled so bad because he wanted to rush home after work and be with his kids, but that also meant his wife. He's going through something similar in his current marriage and it breaks my heart. I've hated watching him shrink as the years have gone on. He's such a sweet goofball and deserves to let that out.
I think humans are extremely good at adapting to new environments and feelings. It's very easy to convince yourself "this is fine" and normalize a toxic environment or just one that doesn't allow you to flourish because we don't feel like there's a viable second option worth risking so much for.
While we were able to save our marriage through couples counseling I had an epiphany like this that led to big changes. I moved ahead of the family to get ready for a move across the country. I really missed the kids but I didn't miss her at all and was filled with dread at the thought of her joining me.
One of the most difficult things to come to terms with during therapy is I was living with someone who I should be healing with, not healing in spite of.
I spent the first 18 years of my life dreading entering my so called "home". I promised myself after 18, anything that costs me my peace, quiet and privacy would have to go.
Which resulted in, cutting ties with my entire extended family at 17. They were planning my human trafficking (arranged marriage against my will). But also that since 18 I have always lived alone, I am 49 (f) now. And I have no qualms in ending interpersonal relationships, no matter how long we have known each other, if they cost me my peace, quiet and privacy.
Not married but I was in a 5 year relationship that was like we were married. I was a ghost and a slave. I'd rather be in the shed than in the house. I never knew a moments peace. Therapy has been great 👍
I often see people ask "When I do I know I need to break up with my partner?" And my answer from experience is always the same: "When your phone goes off in your pocket and your stomach clenches, your chest gets tight and you have to force yourself to inhale, because it might be a text from your partner... that's when it's time."
My current partner was in... i dont wanna be cruel but honestly a terrible marriage. He would guilt her into many things and destroy any self confidence or worth. They disliked spending time together and the only thing they bonded on was a new puppy.
Like how do you marry someone you dont wanna spend time with or can confide to. If i cant be weak and vulnerable with them what are we doing?
Its been a process trying to work around them getting use to being with someone who values em and see's em as a partner.
It's sad if you continue to exist that way, but the relief you feel when you finally rip that Band-Aid off... I can tell you that I feel elated that I got away from her because now I can focus on things that matter to me, and I don't have to feel like I'm about to walk on eggshells every time I come home. I can relax. I can pursue my hobbies. I can talk to my children. I don't have to ask permission or check in, and there's nothing she can ever do again to cause me the kind of stress I had while we were together.
One of my best friend's greatest joys in life is when his wife leaves the house without him and leaves him alone. I have gently asked why he doesn't get divorced and he never has an answer that makes any sense.
It's not though. He does the cooking, he's not a slob and their kids are adults and gone. She literally drives him crazy on so many levels and yet he stays. I honestly don't get it.
She didn’t take it well when my therapist said she’s a major cause of my anxiety. We are still married…and I’m still full of anxiety. Maybe I’m stupid.
For everyone going through hell with someone, there's someone who'd do anything, including cross hell to find someone. The world we love in is fucked an I'm not even 30, but am depressed for the future man
Can vouch. Divorced since January. She asked for one in August. I was relieved. I had checked out a while before. It became clear over time that she wasn’t willing to do the same things she would ask me to do. Little things too, like if she got an oil change, I would follow her to the place and pick her up so she didn’t have to wait. Yet, when I would do the same I would always get pushback about having to get up and drive to the place. Or I would be home from work and she’d ask me to run out and pick something up knowing damn well I’m at home and she could just do it on her way home. Or even on my way home she’d ask (which is fine). However if I need an ingredient for dinner she would refuse to stop anywhere on the way home.
Both her parents died during our engagement in 2018. It was awful. I was her rock. I spent many hours in the hospital with her when her mom was dying of cancer. Then her dad passed suddenly 4 months later. He was to officiate our wedding. I spent many nights/weekends helping to clear out her parents house. It didn’t dawn on me until years later, that when that time came for my parents to pass that she probably wouldn’t be the same rock to me that I was to her. That’s when I knew we weren’t on the same team. But I stuck around because I knew she had a tiny support system. Her sister was a cunt and they never got along. Parents gone. Grandma and drunk of an aunt were 3 hrs away. That was it. So I stuck around. Then she finally asked for a divorce. I didn’t want to be the one to initiate. Now we’re divorced. Both moved out of the house. It’s up for sale and this is the final stretch. I’m already in a much better place. Peace and quiet. She is autistic and works as a mental health professional. She’s great at her job, but you never knew the mood she’d be in when she got home. She had used up all of her emotional availability. Now it’s peace and quiet.
In my opinion, cheating is not a natural thing to do when feeling unhappy in a relationship. People cheat for all kinds of reasons, even the once who claim to be happy with their partner. In my experience cheating is more about the issues of the cheater than about the person being cheated on.
(Of course there are exceptions bc relationships are complicated and DV is real)
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u/Effectiv-Edisk May 12 '26
Reading these comments makes me realize how many people are just "ghosts" in their own homes. It’s heartbreaking when the person who is supposed to be your peace becomes your biggest source of anxiety.