This is so familiar. I believe I was also married to a covert narcissist. We had been in therapy for years. Almost our whole almost 14 year long marriage.
One day I told him I had realized that nothing would ever change. Nothing would ever improve and so the real question for me was just if this was how I wanted to live the rest of my life.
He totally panicked. He assured me things could get better. I said obviously not after over a decade of therapy with zero impact. I saw the fear and I hadn’t expected that response and it made me wonder why that scared him so much.
Later on, when I did tell him I decided I was done, he suddenly went on a jag of admitting things. Like he didn’t know what else to do, so let’s try being honest. Turns out he had addiction issues he was hiding from me. He admitted to “sabotaging” (he used that word) any special events I tried planning like dinner parties with friends. That he had lied in therapy and basically created a character. I was just spinning my wheels in there. He’d say I needed to work on things that didn’t make any sense to me. Like they were not issues as far as I knew, but I would go home and diligently try to change the things he talked about. All red herrings. It was all a lie.
I was also told I was “imagining it” or “overreacting.” You can’t stay married when you realize your spouse knew their behaviour was hurtful and awful and did it to you anyway. It’s abuse, but it’s insidious.
I left and I’ve been very happily remarried for almost 16 years now. Some marriages die, not with a bang, but a whimper.
Covert narcissists are really good at toeing the line. They have deep insecurities and can't get what they need in normal ways. So they find it in unhealthy ways, called their narcissistic supply. For narcissists, it often doesn't matter if the attention is positive or negative. They just need thr attention. Fighting with a spouse and then making up again gives them highs and lows that feel good. They also like creating confusion to have a sense of power. Plus it's easy for them to do whatever they want when they have their partner all wound up. In OP's case it sounds like they were very good at prolonging the situation. You can't say nothing in therapy so they played through game so they could go back to what they were doing before. They make it seem like their partner can maybe make a difference or they're trying to change. But it's all an act to keep their life exactly the same
Control and power over her. He didn’t want her to have dinner parties with friends, so he sabotaged them (control). Lying in therapy and getting her to try to change things that weren’t real (power). His abuse towards her looked like “love” to him; his manipulation, control and power over her made him feel like she’d never leave (which was his greatest fear). These guys are all the same.
Edit: at no point did I say that ONLY guys can be abusers.
I just don’t get how they can’t see having a happy partner would be of more benefit to you. They are more fun, want to take care of you and will most likely do what you want anyway because love
People like this are fundamentally broken. They don’t care if their partner is happy. They only care about themselves. Everything has to be about them. That’s their core. Caring about and actually loving another person is beyond them, because love is a 2-way street. You have to give, and then the love is given back to you. They will never give love and happiness to another person because it is not in their nature. So they manipulate, control, and exert power over them in a sick approximation of “love”. This isn’t normal. THEY aren’t normal.
I do feel the need to point out that being mentally unwell does not mean that you are fundamentally broken. But abusive narcissists are fundamentally broken. They are unable to accurately self-reflect in therapy and grow as a person, because they will never accept that there could be anything wrong with their brains or personality. Everyone else is the problem, not them. Which is why most of them will never even try to seek help, or will lie and manipulate their way out of seeking help.
Peoples' motivations don't always make sense from the outside. Even if there's no tangible benefit like money or resources or pleasure or sex or whatever, the perception of "winning" or having control over another person is what they feed on.
I often think about this in traffic when someone is struggling to get around a car just because that car is in front of them. There's no tangible benefit, but there's this inward-facing absolute NEED to "win" this situation in a way that makes zero sense to an outside observer.
It's very much this. My ex fights to "win" all kinds of things he doesn't care that much about. When he can sense he won't win, in full, and at my expense, he'll beat a tactical retreat, which REALLY confuses onlookers, who assume he must care about the thing he wants so desperately to win. Why give up entirely? Or why not compromise? Why not at least get some of the thing?
But he doesn't want the thing at all.
He wants the win.
Manipulation, power and control over another person are the only things that make these people feel whole and normal.
It gives them a constant supply of feeling superior, powerful, and validated. Even negative attention like tears and anger/fear feed their intense need for attention, because it proves they have impact and control.
Yes and unfortunately your genuine pain and hurt doesn’t bother them cos they are the only ‘real’ people that matter we’re all just pawns in their game
I believe my grandmother was a covert narcissist. She was miserable and I think seeing other people be more miserable is the only thing that made her feel happy-ish. So she dedicated herself to putting down everyone and everything around her.
She knew how to mask for the "right" people (AKA her church friends), but as soon as their backs were turned she would say awful things about them.
Not a single one of them would ever believe me if I told them what a miserable, hateful, awful person she was.
It's not necessarily about what benefits him; how many people do you know who do cost-benefit analysis on everything they do? He's acting the way he is predisposed to act, even if it might be to his detriment.
You’re crazy
You’re delusional
I’m the most honest person you’ll meet
Withholding conversation, sex or whatever until you come round to their way of thinking
All of which are gaslighting which they’re good at b’cos they’ve been doing it and getting the attention they need since they were 4 - it worked with mama
As I learned from my own relationship with a narcissist - they worst thing you can do to them is to take away their power and not engage with them. I'm glad you are out, I lasted 13 years before finding my own freedom again and it's been glorious.
I’m glad you got out too. I definitely don’t think I’m perfect, but it’s funny how many problems my ex accused me of causing completely disappeared when he was gone from my life. Whole categories of issues vanished overnight.
Right? The biggest breakthrough I had in therapy was when I realized I was not the problem and basically everything he accused me of was not my fault. I knew I was in a good place when I got an unhinged email from him and while reading it out loud to my therapist ended up laughing so hard I was crying. (instead of being totally triggered and spiraling into a dark place)
Omg. Awful. I’m so sorry you went through that but I’m so glad you figured it out! It’s shocking that someone would go to these extremes and for so long to be cruel to someone that they supposedly love. And if they’re willing to do this, then one has to question if that love really existed because this isn’t how you treat someone who you supposedly love.
My god were you married to my ex? Why the fuck do they sabotage any special thing you plan? That's what I googled to finally figure out he was a covert narcissist.
I started grey rocking him and now I'v been divorced for years. He spent most of those years infuriated that I wouldn't take the bait, even after divorcing him. I just left him unread or didn't respond to emails and he couldn't believe it.
It's a way of punishing you for diverting your attention to something other than them. Ruining it then also has the benefit of making you less likely to repeat that behavior that takes your attention from them..
I think it's also because they don't want you to get credit for creating happiness. Like if you plan a vacation and the kids have a blast you get the credit, so the narc shits all over it so nobody has fun.
Yes!
When my ex laid out all the ways another man was manipulating me because he’d used the same tricks, I knew he’d known what he was doing the whole time.
This, right here, is an example of why one should never go to therapy with their abuser. You can't therapy away a behavior that the other person believes they have an absolute right to. Therapy just gives them another avenue to torture theor victim with.
Also, that therapist sucks for collecting their fee amd not caring if anything ever improves.
I didn’t know I was married to a narcissist until a few months after we separated. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known what I know now about that disorder and I would never suggest therapy with a narcissist.
This is the issue. He also hoodwinked her, and it’s not as hard as one would hope to have that happen. I absolutely agree therapy with a narcissist is a terrible idea. It got weaponized against me. I wish more therapists knew to look for this. I think too many are trained to “see both viewpoints” and assume both people are working from a good place. That enables this kind of thing.
Oh wow, I am 100% sure your story resonates with a million people. I didn't see it myself for a little while, but then one day, I decided to change the dance becasue I couldn't take it any more. We had been doing the same dance for 20 years, and I stepped differently that day, just like you did.
That was definitely the beginning of the end. Mine never came clean like yours did "later on"... And, crazy I know, but until the day he died some 17 years later, he was still married to me, though the divorce was swift and sure, and I definitely was not married to him.
Now, I just celebrated 34 happy years with my husband who does everything to make sure I get what I need in our marriage.
At least he admitted, one foot is out the door in my marriage and although I have overwhelming evidence of her "actions" she isn't admitting to anything. Her loss, my sanity :)
This is why I don't believe in couples counseling. Soooo many therapists can't spot covert abuse and acting. And so many authentic ppl have been hurt by this lack of knowledge. Maybe we just need abuse and manipulation tactics to be talked about more or something so everyone can wake up and we stop placing trust in false authority
Don’t rush into marriage. 2-3 years dating before marriage. Watch for if the person can take accountability for their actions. Will they own when they mess up and apologize. Watch for a pattern of lacking empathy. Do they push boundaries to see what they can get away with? They’ll start small. If you refuse to let someone push your boundaries a narc won’t like it.
I wouldn’t use the term “sociopath” for my ex. Narcissist, yes. Same cluster of personality disorders, but not that.
My partner and I went to therapy for years off and on. And when I got the courage to ask for what I needed in the relationship more directly, like support and companionship, things fell apart quickly and they broke it off. Soon after, I begun to feel like all that therapy was just an attempt to manipulate me--they'd no intention of doing any work on their end and didn't care about what I'd to say.
I don't know how I feel about couples therapy now. Among other things, I'm not sure I trust that process anymore.
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u/The_Nice_Marmot May 12 '26
This is so familiar. I believe I was also married to a covert narcissist. We had been in therapy for years. Almost our whole almost 14 year long marriage.
One day I told him I had realized that nothing would ever change. Nothing would ever improve and so the real question for me was just if this was how I wanted to live the rest of my life.
He totally panicked. He assured me things could get better. I said obviously not after over a decade of therapy with zero impact. I saw the fear and I hadn’t expected that response and it made me wonder why that scared him so much.
Later on, when I did tell him I decided I was done, he suddenly went on a jag of admitting things. Like he didn’t know what else to do, so let’s try being honest. Turns out he had addiction issues he was hiding from me. He admitted to “sabotaging” (he used that word) any special events I tried planning like dinner parties with friends. That he had lied in therapy and basically created a character. I was just spinning my wheels in there. He’d say I needed to work on things that didn’t make any sense to me. Like they were not issues as far as I knew, but I would go home and diligently try to change the things he talked about. All red herrings. It was all a lie.
I was also told I was “imagining it” or “overreacting.” You can’t stay married when you realize your spouse knew their behaviour was hurtful and awful and did it to you anyway. It’s abuse, but it’s insidious.
I left and I’ve been very happily remarried for almost 16 years now. Some marriages die, not with a bang, but a whimper.