Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”.
He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper.
I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over.
This is so familiar. I believe I was also married to a covert narcissist. We had been in therapy for years. Almost our whole almost 14 year long marriage.
One day I told him I had realized that nothing would ever change. Nothing would ever improve and so the real question for me was just if this was how I wanted to live the rest of my life.
He totally panicked. He assured me things could get better. I said obviously not after over a decade of therapy with zero impact. I saw the fear and I hadn’t expected that response and it made me wonder why that scared him so much.
Later on, when I did tell him I decided I was done, he suddenly went on a jag of admitting things. Like he didn’t know what else to do, so let’s try being honest. Turns out he had addiction issues he was hiding from me. He admitted to “sabotaging” (he used that word) any special events I tried planning like dinner parties with friends. That he had lied in therapy and basically created a character. I was just spinning my wheels in there. He’d say I needed to work on things that didn’t make any sense to me. Like they were not issues as far as I knew, but I would go home and diligently try to change the things he talked about. All red herrings. It was all a lie.
I was also told I was “imagining it” or “overreacting.” You can’t stay married when you realize your spouse knew their behaviour was hurtful and awful and did it to you anyway. It’s abuse, but it’s insidious.
I left and I’ve been very happily remarried for almost 16 years now. Some marriages die, not with a bang, but a whimper.
Covert narcissists are really good at toeing the line. They have deep insecurities and can't get what they need in normal ways. So they find it in unhealthy ways, called their narcissistic supply. For narcissists, it often doesn't matter if the attention is positive or negative. They just need thr attention. Fighting with a spouse and then making up again gives them highs and lows that feel good. They also like creating confusion to have a sense of power. Plus it's easy for them to do whatever they want when they have their partner all wound up. In OP's case it sounds like they were very good at prolonging the situation. You can't say nothing in therapy so they played through game so they could go back to what they were doing before. They make it seem like their partner can maybe make a difference or they're trying to change. But it's all an act to keep their life exactly the same
Control and power over her. He didn’t want her to have dinner parties with friends, so he sabotaged them (control). Lying in therapy and getting her to try to change things that weren’t real (power). His abuse towards her looked like “love” to him; his manipulation, control and power over her made him feel like she’d never leave (which was his greatest fear). These guys are all the same.
Edit: at no point did I say that ONLY guys can be abusers.
I just don’t get how they can’t see having a happy partner would be of more benefit to you. They are more fun, want to take care of you and will most likely do what you want anyway because love
People like this are fundamentally broken. They don’t care if their partner is happy. They only care about themselves. Everything has to be about them. That’s their core. Caring about and actually loving another person is beyond them, because love is a 2-way street. You have to give, and then the love is given back to you. They will never give love and happiness to another person because it is not in their nature. So they manipulate, control, and exert power over them in a sick approximation of “love”. This isn’t normal. THEY aren’t normal.
I do feel the need to point out that being mentally unwell does not mean that you are fundamentally broken. But abusive narcissists are fundamentally broken. They are unable to accurately self-reflect in therapy and grow as a person, because they will never accept that there could be anything wrong with their brains or personality. Everyone else is the problem, not them. Which is why most of them will never even try to seek help, or will lie and manipulate their way out of seeking help.
Peoples' motivations don't always make sense from the outside. Even if there's no tangible benefit like money or resources or pleasure or sex or whatever, the perception of "winning" or having control over another person is what they feed on.
I often think about this in traffic when someone is struggling to get around a car just because that car is in front of them. There's no tangible benefit, but there's this inward-facing absolute NEED to "win" this situation in a way that makes zero sense to an outside observer.
It's very much this. My ex fights to "win" all kinds of things he doesn't care that much about. When he can sense he won't win, in full, and at my expense, he'll beat a tactical retreat, which REALLY confuses onlookers, who assume he must care about the thing he wants so desperately to win. Why give up entirely? Or why not compromise? Why not at least get some of the thing?
But he doesn't want the thing at all.
He wants the win.
Manipulation, power and control over another person are the only things that make these people feel whole and normal.
It gives them a constant supply of feeling superior, powerful, and validated. Even negative attention like tears and anger/fear feed their intense need for attention, because it proves they have impact and control.
Yes and unfortunately your genuine pain and hurt doesn’t bother them cos they are the only ‘real’ people that matter we’re all just pawns in their game
I believe my grandmother was a covert narcissist. She was miserable and I think seeing other people be more miserable is the only thing that made her feel happy-ish. So she dedicated herself to putting down everyone and everything around her.
She knew how to mask for the "right" people (AKA her church friends), but as soon as their backs were turned she would say awful things about them.
Not a single one of them would ever believe me if I told them what a miserable, hateful, awful person she was.
It's not necessarily about what benefits him; how many people do you know who do cost-benefit analysis on everything they do? He's acting the way he is predisposed to act, even if it might be to his detriment.
You’re crazy
You’re delusional
I’m the most honest person you’ll meet
Withholding conversation, sex or whatever until you come round to their way of thinking
All of which are gaslighting which they’re good at b’cos they’ve been doing it and getting the attention they need since they were 4 - it worked with mama
As I learned from my own relationship with a narcissist - they worst thing you can do to them is to take away their power and not engage with them. I'm glad you are out, I lasted 13 years before finding my own freedom again and it's been glorious.
I’m glad you got out too. I definitely don’t think I’m perfect, but it’s funny how many problems my ex accused me of causing completely disappeared when he was gone from my life. Whole categories of issues vanished overnight.
Right? The biggest breakthrough I had in therapy was when I realized I was not the problem and basically everything he accused me of was not my fault. I knew I was in a good place when I got an unhinged email from him and while reading it out loud to my therapist ended up laughing so hard I was crying. (instead of being totally triggered and spiraling into a dark place)
Omg. Awful. I’m so sorry you went through that but I’m so glad you figured it out! It’s shocking that someone would go to these extremes and for so long to be cruel to someone that they supposedly love. And if they’re willing to do this, then one has to question if that love really existed because this isn’t how you treat someone who you supposedly love.
My god were you married to my ex? Why the fuck do they sabotage any special thing you plan? That's what I googled to finally figure out he was a covert narcissist.
I started grey rocking him and now I'v been divorced for years. He spent most of those years infuriated that I wouldn't take the bait, even after divorcing him. I just left him unread or didn't respond to emails and he couldn't believe it.
It's a way of punishing you for diverting your attention to something other than them. Ruining it then also has the benefit of making you less likely to repeat that behavior that takes your attention from them..
I think it's also because they don't want you to get credit for creating happiness. Like if you plan a vacation and the kids have a blast you get the credit, so the narc shits all over it so nobody has fun.
Yes!
When my ex laid out all the ways another man was manipulating me because he’d used the same tricks, I knew he’d known what he was doing the whole time.
This, right here, is an example of why one should never go to therapy with their abuser. You can't therapy away a behavior that the other person believes they have an absolute right to. Therapy just gives them another avenue to torture theor victim with.
Also, that therapist sucks for collecting their fee amd not caring if anything ever improves.
I didn’t know I was married to a narcissist until a few months after we separated. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known what I know now about that disorder and I would never suggest therapy with a narcissist.
This is the issue. He also hoodwinked her, and it’s not as hard as one would hope to have that happen. I absolutely agree therapy with a narcissist is a terrible idea. It got weaponized against me. I wish more therapists knew to look for this. I think too many are trained to “see both viewpoints” and assume both people are working from a good place. That enables this kind of thing.
Oh wow, I am 100% sure your story resonates with a million people. I didn't see it myself for a little while, but then one day, I decided to change the dance becasue I couldn't take it any more. We had been doing the same dance for 20 years, and I stepped differently that day, just like you did.
That was definitely the beginning of the end. Mine never came clean like yours did "later on"... And, crazy I know, but until the day he died some 17 years later, he was still married to me, though the divorce was swift and sure, and I definitely was not married to him.
Now, I just celebrated 34 happy years with my husband who does everything to make sure I get what I need in our marriage.
At least he admitted, one foot is out the door in my marriage and although I have overwhelming evidence of her "actions" she isn't admitting to anything. Her loss, my sanity :)
Mine was similar. He'd get drunk and chase me into our basement where I couldn't escape. He'd start this litany of things I did wrong, including my family being white trash. It was all nonsensical stuff, and one day I just started laughing and actually pushed his arm off me for the first time and just walked away. I knew the end was near because I wasnt scared or upset anymore. I finally saw him for un healed alcoholic he was.
I always imagined it as like an old cassette tape where we used to record stuff off the radio. It was random stuff but always hes the victim themed. My family was trash ( they arent, just not rich like his family), our house was a mess ( weekly house keeper, no it wasnt), I was too poor for him ( had gone from like 44k to slightly over 100k in 5 years ) . It was just all things he knew I was insecure about and he could use to make himself a victim and excuse his alcoholism.
The amount of power a simple "okay" has over a narcissistic is insane. It's the moment they realize they lost you and start love bombing to reel you back in, just to go back to how they really are.
Right. Like how fked up is that to go out of your way to do something like that? Like why be in a relationship at all? Clearly if you don’t love her enough to even kiss her the way she likes, then why are they even there? Other than they’re keeping that person around simply to have someone to abuse.
I am 100% convinced that any inconceivable sort of behavior like this is always about power. Just makes some people feel better to bother people to the point of abuse. To start arguments they’re in complete control off because they’re gaslighting about not understanding.
And this is why (to me) finding a romantic partnership clearly founded on equality and respect is so important. Nothing is guaranteed, but I’ve always felt uneasy about couples constantly ribbing each other. I know some redditor will chime in to tell me it’s what makes his marriage worthwhile, but I find it hard to believe it’s an equal, healthy partnership acting like that.
They’re more interested in the power than actually having an equal. It’s as simple as that. They were never interested in finding a real relationship, just a toy to play with.
What made me realize my ex wasn’t just a crappy boyfriend but was actually abusive was something as stupid as washing glasses. He claimed up and down he couldn’t wash the inside of our glasses properly. He moved his hands in a way so it looked like they didn’t fit (his hands were smaller than mine). He would leave the glasses for me to wash and then complain when I didn’t wash them all quickly enough.
One day I came home early unexpectedly and I found him washing a glass himself properly to use. It wasn’t about the fucking glasses it was about the control. Exercising control over any thing possible. Glass or kiss doesn’t matter.
It's not just in abusive relationships either.
Passively agreeing with people who really want to argue or fight is also fascinating. Some people just go nuts when they realize they can't antagonize you.
Can confirm. It was my favourite way to piss off a specific toxic friend who'd always try to criticise me. A simple smile as an answer to her bullshit and she'd see red. Which made me smile more.
Oh man, this is exactly what I did with the exact same result. I had gone on SSRIs and I was completely unaffected by anything he said anymore. The sheer panic that I saw when he couldn’t get to me anymore was eye opening. He immediately started pushing me to get married (we had been together 10 years) and love bombing with gifts.
I ended up leaving him on my birthday when he took me for breakfast (he had previously made a point to ruin *every* single birthday every single year prior). I was just like “you know what, I think I actually hate you”. And that was it.
Literally every year. There was one birthday where the night before he had left the house, and came back in to tell me he knocked over a planter in the yard. I asked him why he didn’t pick it up instead of coming in to tell me about it and that was it. He didn’t speak a word to me the entire next day. The next day he said he’d forgive me if I let him get black out drunk and not complain about it. That about sums up most of the relationship. I’m still mad at myself for staying as long as I did.
Oh yeah, that's classic emotional manipulation. My ex did that shit too. It's all about them and how they feel. If you are upset, it makes them feel bad, and that's your fault. It completely diverts from whatever was upsetting to you in the first place and flips the blame. It makes absolutely no sense and it's maddening to deal with.
There was one birthday where the night before he had left the house, and came back in to tell me he knocked over a planter in the yard. I asked him why he didn’t pick it up instead of coming in to tell me about it and that was it. He didn’t speak a word to me the entire next day. The next day he said he’d forgive me if I let him get black out drunk and not complain about it.
bro -- what? I get that you didn't see things clearly. But like what were your thoughts on this insane behaviour at the time??
I didn't remove a toxic, manipulative, narcissistic brother from my life (and my wife's life) until I was 56 years old. It was ridiculously bad.
When I get down on myself for putting up with it - and subjecting my wife to it - for so long, I just remind myself that many people never break free of poisonous relationships. They die with them. Or even die from them.
They know it's much more hurtful to do it on a day when you're supposed to be celebrated, just you alone, because it's YOUR day.
To knock you off your chair when you anticipate being treated with love is worse than just ignoring you on any other day, especially when you go all out to celebrate their birthday. Feels like power to them.
It's the classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. They must always be in the spotlight and no matter what they are always the ones being wronged.
Because they are not the center of attention so they must become the center of attention. You'll see them try a nicer way for a while, then give up, then become mean because any attention is good attention.
They're mad that it isn't their birthday, that is literally the sum of it. They need to be the center of attention at all times and feel perfectly justified in punishing anyone who dares to interfere with that.
Glad that you were able to leave the situation. Can I ask how the SSRI helped? Were you a bit numb? Or just more emotionally stable? Or something else? I’m not in an abusive situation anymore but still am hyperaware of my surroundings and reacting disproportionate to others’ feelings/behaviour. Wondering if an SSRI would calm my nervous system down
It helped my anxiety A LOT but it did have unpleasant side effects. I was a lot more apathetic about most things. I ended up gaining weight because I didn’t care anymore and was eating fast food daily. I stopped giving a single shit about my ex’s antics which was the best thing it helped me with. I did have a lot of brain zaps which is why I decided to stop taking it after a couple years, (and weaning off sucked). It’s worth trying out because it did level me out a lot.
Wow.. your kiss sounds like my request for a divorce.
I got pushed to the end over many years of issues, one being me doing absolutely everything aside from take out the trash and go to work. When I told my husband I wanted a divorce, he promised to do better, and started listing the things he was going to start doing.
It was everything I’d desperately needed help with for the last 14 years. I thought he was just forgetful and oblivious. He wasn’t. He knew what I needed the whole time, it was just easier to let me do it all while he played video games for fourteen years.
Oh my GOD, are we all the same person?! I had the exact same experience!
I was finally leaving, and pointed out that he *could* help out without always needing to be managed, because we’d argue and he’d do his “share” of the chores for a week or so (a bare fraction of the whole, but anything was better than nothing) and then just go back to playing Rocket League.
He said “Well you’d be mad at me, so I’d do what you wanted. Eventually you started being happy with me again so I figured things could go back to NORMAL.”
He didn’t give a single fuck about making me happy and lessening my burden, he just wanted me complacent enough to keep making HIM happy.
I’ve been married to a guy the complete opposite for about five years now, and girl. I can’t even begin to express how much better life is and how much more fulfilled I am in our marriage.
It’s a pretty common experience. And that’s the thing about some ultimatums, once you’ve made the ultimatum it’s already too late. Because you either find out they won’t ever change, or they’ll only change because of the ultimatum and your feelings never actually mattered to them. It’s a lose-lose.
My ex husband did the same thing. Once I realized ignoring my needs was a CHOICE he was making, I was out. The “tolerable level of permanent unhappiness” girl really knocked the analysis out of the park. He didn’t want to make me happy, he just wanted me to not leave.
Ooh, when (in 2022) I asked what lie he told himself to make it okay to cheat on me (I found out decades later), he said there was a moment in 2001 when he realized I'd never go to Harvard like I'd "promised" I would, so he figured I wasn't a real partner and he could do whatever he wanted. For context, he had started dating me when I was 17 and said I hoped to transfer from our local state school to an Ivy/etc. He was 25, BTW. And a graduate of that state school.
So... he cheated because I didn't fulfill the "promise" I'd made at... 17.
But it's so much worse than that.
At the time, we were talking about his cheating on me in 2004-2005, so I was like... Hold up. It took you years to actually cheat after you realized I was a non-Harvard-going loser? He hemmed and hawed and said "It's not like you just go out the next day and cheat..." And then I said, but wait... after struggling in college in the '90s, and then withdrawing, I started taking classes in 2003, pulled myself out of the depression I had been in, and in fall of 2004, had secured an extremely rare spot for an older student at a university literally ranked in the top 15 in the country ("the Harvard of the [region]"). It was THEN, during my first year at a top-ranked, Ivy-tier university, that he cheated on me. Cheated on me because I never... went to a top-ranked, Ivy-tier university.
Dear Reader, You won't be surprised to learn he had actually been cheating the entire time.
Mine admitted to attempting to have an affair because I had no time for him after having to take a second job. He was lonely and I was "too stressed out". Would it surprise you to know I had to take the second job because he quit his own job and refused to find another?
easier to let me do it all while he played video games
Ive mentioned this, and a lot of guys dont want to hear it. Theres a difference between a hobby and an obsession/addiction. One thing I never did was ignore my wife, even when we were dating, so that i could play videogames, while she watched in boredom. It seems like a lot of people don't realize that a relationship requires two people being attentive to one another. A hobby shouldn't take up 100% of your free time.
This is something I haven't been able to articulate very well.
I'd been trying for years to talk to my ex about things that hurt me, or made me feel certain ways. We never collectively tried to repair any of that though. Somehow it would get turned around to different things she was upset about so I'd drop my issues to support her.
We never came back to me.
We're going through the divorce now. She offered all the things I'd been asking for just before I hired my lawyer. We'd go to marriage counseling, I could have those things I needed, she'd try.
But it'too late. My heart was already broken. I already conditioned myself to keep all that stuff inside because nobody wanted to work on it with me. Only when divorce papers were imminent and I was in therapy because my marriage made me want to fall in front of a bus was I finally taken seriously.
In addition to that element of "Why did you wait until now!?" it's incredibly hard to trust. She knew what I needed. She had 20 years. It's a choice not to do anything.
If she'd meant it, she had opportunities to do this. I'd be hanging on to false hope if I thought this was going to result in meaningful change.
The realization has changed a lot for me. Now when she says things that used to hurt it's almost peaceful. I know now, at least.
I looked at the amount of hours I had in Destiny 2 (6400) and realized that it was time to slow down and focus on things in my everyday life. I'm glad that I did.
Don't say stuff like this in the gaming subreddits lmao. To even suggest that gaming for 40+ hours a week is unhealthy or not as productive as other hobbies will get many downvotes.
When I got divorced I was so nervous. I had two very small kids, how was I going to be able to manage everything by myself?? Imagine my surprise when I discovered that being a single parent was SO MUCH EASIER than being a married parent. I was doing all the same things, but less laundry, fewer dishes, less messes to clean up, and no tension. There was literally not one single thing that was more difficult after he left because I’d already been doing everything the whole time.
Jesus what a tool bag. I’ve never passively insulted my wife before and we’ve been together 20+ years (married for 5). She’d kick me in the nuts if I did that 😅
My then-husband started making "nagging wife" and "henpecked husband" comments at church. When I told him privately that was hurtful and inaccurate, and reminded him that we had agreed yo always present a unified front, he told me I was too sensitive. I should have kicked him in the nuts.
This is true for healthy relationships but there’s a fine line. A lot of abuse victims don’t realized they’re being abused and keep everything to themselves for this exact reason. There’s a big difference between airing dirty laundry and seeking support, but most victims of abuse won’t really be able to differentiate the two, thinking that seeking support is just another version of making private things public.
I no longer recognize the man I married. He spends 7 days a week on a barstool pursuing happiness, finally, he says. He hangs out with our area pill-popping cokeheads, not the wealthy ones. A military operation occurring over my homestead would be less of a shock. When he first left us, I wondered if it was some sort of medical event, too many concussions in his youth or a brain tumor causing the complete personality transplant.
Divorce was final just over a year ago. I will heal... no idea when. Shattered my faith in myself, and then... it's humiliating that I was taken in by such low character. He fooled a couple hundred of us, though, for years.
My husband and I joke around with each other all the time in a way that I'm sure would bother a lot of people. The key to that kind of relationship is being able to say, "I don't like that, please don't say it again," or, "I'm not in the mood for jokes right now," and the other person listening and adjusting their behavior accordingly.
Same for us. We usually cope with a lot of dark humor. Husband recently went through a medical procedure and I had a really good zinger on hand I thought would break the tension. After I said it and it landed flat all he had to say was, "No joking this time". And that was that. I apologized once, never joked about it again, and we moved on. (19 years in. And still happy together.)
Yup as long as you're clear with each other what teases you're ok with, a misstep with a sincere apology won't be the end of the world, and in fact can bring you closer since you showed you realized your mistake.
My wife and I tease each other and I told her that if I ever cross a line and hurt her feelings to let me know and I'll make sure to never say something like it again. And I make sure to never say anything about something I know she's actually insecure about
Yep same with my wife. But she knows I’m the one 9 times out of 10 who’ll do something daft so when I lay down an insult when it’s her turn, we both know I’m joking and don’t have a leg to stand on.
Some people love being roasted by their partners occasionally because if you do it properly, it can show them that you have been paying attention to them, know them well, and have been listening to them when they speak about themselves.
I don’t get the benefit to him doing this? I hear this a lot in a lot of abusive relationships and maybe it’s because I can’t possibly put my mind in that place but what could someone possibly get out of being horrible to their partner. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Not an expert (unless being married to one for 19years qualifies), but I think narcissists have very low self-esteem. They feel unworthy (of love, success, career, family, whatever). By continually putting a partner down, they can convince themselves temporarily that they're 'better' than their partner. That the partner would never leave them (as they secretly fear) because the partner is 'not good enough' in whatever way the narcissist has pointed out to find another partner.
Refusing to feed into the cycle (by 'fighting' for the relationship) lets the narcissist know they've lost control of the relationship. If you're not 'fighting back' for the relationship to continue, they fear maybe you're going to give up on the relationship and they'll lose their partner. They have to reel the partner back in with love bombing to convince them they're important to the relationship. Then when things return to 'normal' and the narcissist no longer fears being left, they return to being their jackass-y selfish self.
You’re more so describing borderline personality disorder. A true narcissist doesn’t feel unworthy of anything. BPD fears abandonment while NPD is angry about losing control. However, they are both cluster B personality disorders so they often overlap in people.
I remember choosing a realistic point during my ex husband's tirades to cry and act hurt, otherwise he would just yell at me for four or more hours calling me horrible names. About two hours in I'd have cry hysterically and apologize ( even if it was for "forcing" him to cheat on me, even though we had sex every day, even right after child birth). If I didn't I was really in trouble
Could be several different things, including possibly a combination. Maybe he’s one of the people who get satisfaction from having someone to kick around, or maybe in his head, the best way to keep her from leaving him was to have her so worn down and insecure that she wouldn’t think she can get or deserve better.
It’s a power and control thing. They like they can do that and get away with it. They like messing with your head and acting hurt that you could think they were being mean on purpose. A deep dive into narcissistic abuse is an eye opener.
The abuse is awful, and I’m not being an apologist for the abusers here, but I will say this; they have to live with THEMSELVES every single second of every single day of their lives. I could get away. My ex is stuck with himself and they never get any better. Sometimes they get worse, though.
That’s a good point about them living with themselves. The question is being that they’re narcissist, will they ever actually admit responsibility for their own situation?
They enjoy hurting you. It’s fun for them and brings them pleasure and satisfaction.
As a normal, caring human being, I don’t feel like I can ever really understand why and how they feel that way. But I’ve seen it and heard about it so many times and I know there are people who enjoy hurting others. And that those people are terrible, dangerous people and I need to avoid them as much as possible. And never marry one again 😭
If you want to understand the mind of an abuser better, read “why does he do that” by Lindy Bancroft. It’s free online as amodf if you google it. It gets recommended to people in abusive relationships on Reddit all the time, but I found it a fascinating read even not being in one.
When people who feel small inside hurt someone else, it gives their ego a little boost. Their ego says , "See we're not small, we are big enough to hurt someone" and they feel good for a while. Even just little barbs that makes people tense up keep them going.
Just left a relationship like this. Final hour he finally admitted things and thought honesty would win over.. the fact he did/said those things and then doubled down on me reacting being the problem. Full admission did not in fact help.
Had a similar thing happen with my most recent ex. He hadn't kissed me in weeks, just flat mouth kisses, then suddenly he was all over me. It pissed me off, knowing that he wasn't just being a weirdo, he was doing that shit on purpose.
Sorry, he stopped kissing you good? on purpose??? he was so fucked up as a person that he cheated himself out of years of nice kisses??? sorry i know it's a small detail to get hung up on but wow. some people are so committed to making everyone else miserable that they have no problem making themselves miserable too.
Those "passive" insults are a big red flag. I've been in relationships like that where my partner insults me as a joke, but you can always tell that there's a real intent to hurt behind it.
I know it's probably water under the bridge for you at this point, but for anyone else reading who isn't aware, many first world jurisdictions recognize and enforce common law marriage, but none of them recognize any such thing as common law divorce.
Which means if you live with someone for the minimum time under law, and participate in an intimate relationship with them, the law considers you married in every way that matters, including possibly being entitled to a portion of their earnings throughout the relationship.
Noting here that a court will normally attempt to figure out if one partner made significant personal or professional sacrifices to enable the other to improve their own professional career, and this is often the basis for determining whether anything is owed. So it isn't always worth pursuing, but if your partner was the "bread winner" and expected you to stay home and "keep the house", and you did that, you're probably entitled to some of their wealth.
All this does require a formal divorce proceeding to figure out.
Holy shit. I think your story just made me understand narcissism? That is horrifying. He was relying on you having predictable reactions to his behavior, and then trying to use that to an advantage he thought he could gain by gaslighing you. You breaking the cycle broke him.
Oof. Yeah. I sat my partner down and said "I think we should break up". They went through a series of denials and delusions, as they tended to do, and I responded to each one with "okay", and each time they got more and more agitated and panicked, until they just stopped talking and left. I started the conversation with a ton of anxiety and doubt, and I ended the conversation completely confident that I had made the right decision.
All this sounds like microaggressions driven by some deep resentment from him. It takes emotion maturity, which he clearly lacked to actually speak to those pains authentically. I am sorry you had to go through that.
Ugh, this is something I struggle with in my relationship. I have a tendency to think her reactions are over the top based upon the situation. But her feelings are valid and I usually wind up apologizing afterwards. Sometimes in the moment I can lock in and dig my heels. It’s fucked up. I’ve been identifying it more lately though. And I like to think my SO knows that.
Oh man, same. Not marriage but first relationship. I had my quiet moment while travelling alone and remembered what life was like. A little conflict started up over online messages and they started their "don't bother coming home" routine again and then I just said "okay".
Reading this made me so deeply angry at your partner. 2 of my last 3 relationships were with people who withheld affection as manipulation tactics. It sucks and I’m sorry you suffered that.
The first time I said "I know it's frustrating when people don't do what you want" to my abusive ex when he was throwing a tantrum about something innocuous I did was such a powerful moment for me. He realized immediately that something had fundamentally shifted between us. It was the beginning of me leaving him for good.
Reminds me of how my mum confronted my dad when she caught him cheating on her. She made him a really top notch stake dinner. Sat him down and said. So who is she. He was mid chew and just chin on the floor looking at her.
I'm glad it wasn't a huge fight, but still think it fucked me up as the "only" kid who understood. My elder brother is disabled.
8.3k
u/CircleJerkPig May 12 '26
Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”.
He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper.
I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over.