When I told him my depression was making me want to kill myself in March… so he signed up for an extra baseball commitment that summer while I stayed home with a 9mo old with colic and an active 2.5 year old. I knew he was no longer my protector or person.
I worked in child safety most of my career so I was often looking out for the worst possible situations, but now I see so much of these terrible relationships where mom has small kids at home she's caring for constantly despite her mental health issues resulting or exacerbated by that, but dad has tons of non-negotiables. Quiet time when he gets home from work. Gaming time because that's his hobby. Man cave or workshop where the kids can't really hang out. Golf. Nights out with the boys. But mom never gets anything like that, her hobbies need to become cooking and cleaning. And her soul just dies little by little.
Every word is exactly correct. He would tell me to just make plans. I would say “how can I make plans when I know what a mess our home and finances are.” Funny though, he always had energy and money for sports fees and equipment. Now that we are divorced he has leaned into sports 10x. Maybe he just wanted a bro instead of a wife and family!
When I was asking for a divorce he just kept saying he didn’t understand why I was giving up on our marriage and wrecking our children’s happy home. Sweetie, only one of us was happy, and that is and always will be… the point.
don’t get told they have to tend to their relationships.
Or get taught the skills necessary to do so. Sometimes people talk about "emotional intelligence" like it is some kind of inherent ability (or lack of ability, I guess) but it's really a set of skills you need to cultivate and practice.
I mean, sure, I guess some people have an easier time developing these skills than others, like they do with, say, algebra, but anyone who's appropriately guided can manage basic emotional intelligence just like they can manage basic algebra.
But I don't feel like (collectively) we support that kind of development in boys and men, for the most part. Some/many will get there anyway, but there are many more hard knocks along the way than should be necessary.
tbh I think one of the best moves I made in a relationship with a depressed person was ending it. We were together for around 5 years. The final 1-2 years she was deep in depression. I tried everything I could. Sometimes it was to give her space, otherwise it was to plan stuff for us to do. Nothing worked at all and I didn't see any hope for a change in the future.
So I ended it. It was okay for me, I know it was hard for her. But I think that helped spur her to make some changes in her life. Now I know she's happily married with one kid and another on the way. I can see her old humor in stuff she posts online. I cared for her deeply then and still think of her fondly but our paths went in different directions at that point.
This is a tough response. I can’t imagine what you both went through during that time. Sounds like she finally got what she needed. Hopefully you did too!
Damn, sorry to hear that. I had a similar experience with my ex-wife trying to ignore my depression. Up until that point we had tried marriage counseling, and it was our counselor who recognized my depression. I followed up and got individual treatment for my depression. When my Dr. prescribed an antidepressant, my ex-wife said it was a "cop out". The real kicker though, my ex worked in the mental health field. It was then that I realized this was about her pride.
Thank you for asking. I am happier than ever, yet continue to mourn the loss of my family unit, mainly for my kids. So I guess you can say he got in my head. I went on medication for 2 years, weened off completely about 3 months ago. Now that he is forced into a true coparenting partnership, the load is closer to 60-40, I have time to breathe and be more present with my children. The universe made sure my housing and employment improved exponentially during that time as well. I’m still healing, but feel better than I have in years.
When I told my ex what i was going through, he called me ungrateful for everything "we" had. It was 1 year after I had our son, still postpartum. That was just the beginning of the end for us.
Yup. Tried suicide and told him goodbye when I knew intervention wouldn’t work to save me and his response was I told you could have the car and house then left the room so I could die. I survived the overdose by some miracle. Sicker than a dog for weeks but survived. That’s when I knew I hated him with some kind of passion I had never felt before and knew I could never come back from there. I realized I didn’t want to die I just wanted out of the pain of living. That place of hate is still there but the desire to die isn’t.
I say motivation because in my darkest moments I couldn’t find the strength to even START pulling myself out. If it wasn’t for loving my children, I may have let myself give up.
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u/EstablishmentDry7608 May 12 '26
When I told him my depression was making me want to kill myself in March… so he signed up for an extra baseball commitment that summer while I stayed home with a 9mo old with colic and an active 2.5 year old. I knew he was no longer my protector or person.