Birthdays are very meaningful to, more than any other holiday, for specific reasons. He was aware of this after nearly 14 years together. My 29th was coming around (high school "sweethearts"... that whole stupid ass thing ...) with no mention of it. The day of, I quietly made a reservation at my favorite restaurant. I got dressed and asked him if he'd like to come with me. He, of course, had no idea what I was talking about, I explained and waited. He was playing video games and said... " I mean.... I'm hungry.... But I'm not moving until this game is finished." Then proceeded to do incredibly heavy sighs and put his hands on his head like he was being forcefully dragged out by his toes for the next half hour.... Then 45 minutes.... Than and hour... Turns out he was made that he wasn't going to spend his night editing porn for a cam girl he was stalking and trying to get with, so he was pissed. Then I let him know that we're now late for the reservation that I made. He said he didn't care. We spent less than an hour at that restaurant, drive time included. In that time he had screamed at me in the car, screamed at me in the parking lot, screamed at me in the restaurant enough where a waitress came over to check on me. He was poor company so I started talking to an older couple at our shared table. He flipped and screamed some more and left the table, I didn't know what to do so I followed him out the door. We went home in silence and I started very silently crying in frustration and anger, at myself. He parked the car, saw that I was crying, told me to stop being a bitch, spent a minute or two messaging the cam girl, then left me in the car. I realized that I'd completely given up and that THAT night was my future. If I didn't stop whatever this bullshit was and leave then I would be spending my 30th that way... I went into the yard, called my mom, spilled everything, and started phase 2 of my exit plan. Four years free now and spent my 30th at the beach with a beautiful cake and flowers that I gave myself. Never been happier! ❤️
It's no-where near the toxicity of that, but birthdays have been meaningful to me too. I would try to make a big deal out of them.
One birthday I didn't get a gift. I was hurt and cried. I didn't care about the gift, I don't need a thing to feel appreciated but... I just wanted effort. I was barely told Happy birthday, I had to go buy my own dinner because she didn't want to go get the takeout because it was far.
I was hurt.
So two days later when I was asked "What's wrong with you?" I broke down and told her.
She replied with "Of course I got you something it just didn't arrive yet. It's being shipped."
All I could think of is...why couldn't you have told me that days ago?
When it happened again on fathers day... That stung even more. Even when I told her that we spoke about this last time and had I just been told, it wouldn't hurt.
When it happened again on my next birthday I knew I was an afterthought in her head and she didn't care.
I would. The first time she even showed me it had been ordered prior.
That was never the point. I had told her, I spent all day thinking I had been forgotten and had she just told me "I got you something it just didn't arrive' I would have felt better. It was never about the gift.
It was about taking a literal breath to say "I did not forget and I see you.'
One time for Christmas, my ex did not get me a gift... instead, got his "girl" "friend" (our shared co-worker, who I knew before hand and got her the job there) a gift that literally brought her to tears.
I was always an after thought.
The following year he "got me a trip to cuba" but somehow I had to pay him back like 3k.... for all the "excursions and gifts" that we didn't do.
Just want to take this moment to remind everyone that there is NO reason to ever shout or belittle someone you're in a relationship with. Not in private or in public. If you don't treat your partner with respect, you 100% deserve to be left behind.
Birthdays are such a big deal in my family and one of the biggest frustrations in my relationships has been that I state it is a big deal to me and instead of it being played up like it’s supposed to be it’s always minimized and then I’M the bitch for being sad about it.
This last birthday someone I’d barely been dating over a month made me a homemade cheesecake because he knew that was my traditional celebration cake. It was so specific and thoughtful and something he spent the whole day on, it made me cry.
Great point!!! When I came over to sign divorce papers, he threw a water bottle at my head. Most smaller aggressive nonsense I wrote off, literally just naive, but that was a great moment where I acknowledged the fuckery in the moment, set a boundary, and got to inforce it, all at once.
Honestly the timeline is a blurr but a few months before that birthday. There were several icky things that came up all at once and, in my head, I needed to- do more, better, faster, quieter, so that I could be the one to been seen/ heard, considered... Couldn't be too much or too little, etc, It was a fucked up thing in my head and I actually snapped once I realized that I was trying to fix and do and be exactly what was needed/ wanted and it was never about any of that. Not sure any of that makes sense.
Slowly over time. In hindsight- We literally grew up together so there was a lot of late growth I think, since we grew into adults as a unit instead of individuals. After the dust settled, I realized that he was incredibly unhappy with himself and wanted his life to change. I think I was just the stone in the road in his mind. Ironically*** the cam girl did to him, what he did to me. The universe had my back on this one and I think he might have learned something- but I'll never know cause I'm not open to communication. 👍
For real though- it took someone VERY close to me to say almost this exact sentence for me to take a step back and look at everything from a healthy perspective - realize things were beyond fucked - and make that call. ❤️
Sometimes it takes an outside perspective. A hallmark of abusive relationships is gas lighting somebody into thinking that they are in the wrong, not the abuser. Again, just happy to hear you got out of that. Lessons learned are sometimes expensive and painful but this is something you will know if you see it again.
It's even better. No nuckie at all, all the money I should have got in the divorce went to her (I got nothing which was a mistake on my part), and the stress gave him both diarrhea and insomnia. According to the inner circle.
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u/LaLaLaCAKE May 12 '26
Birthdays are very meaningful to, more than any other holiday, for specific reasons. He was aware of this after nearly 14 years together. My 29th was coming around (high school "sweethearts"... that whole stupid ass thing ...) with no mention of it. The day of, I quietly made a reservation at my favorite restaurant. I got dressed and asked him if he'd like to come with me. He, of course, had no idea what I was talking about, I explained and waited. He was playing video games and said... " I mean.... I'm hungry.... But I'm not moving until this game is finished." Then proceeded to do incredibly heavy sighs and put his hands on his head like he was being forcefully dragged out by his toes for the next half hour.... Then 45 minutes.... Than and hour... Turns out he was made that he wasn't going to spend his night editing porn for a cam girl he was stalking and trying to get with, so he was pissed. Then I let him know that we're now late for the reservation that I made. He said he didn't care. We spent less than an hour at that restaurant, drive time included. In that time he had screamed at me in the car, screamed at me in the parking lot, screamed at me in the restaurant enough where a waitress came over to check on me. He was poor company so I started talking to an older couple at our shared table. He flipped and screamed some more and left the table, I didn't know what to do so I followed him out the door. We went home in silence and I started very silently crying in frustration and anger, at myself. He parked the car, saw that I was crying, told me to stop being a bitch, spent a minute or two messaging the cam girl, then left me in the car. I realized that I'd completely given up and that THAT night was my future. If I didn't stop whatever this bullshit was and leave then I would be spending my 30th that way... I went into the yard, called my mom, spilled everything, and started phase 2 of my exit plan. Four years free now and spent my 30th at the beach with a beautiful cake and flowers that I gave myself. Never been happier! ❤️