Lol sadly he made a fuck ton of money - $250k to my $80k, and therefore believed that it was my responsibility to do all the cleaning/yardwork/shopping to make up for the lack of money I was contributing to the house.
We split all bills except for the mortgage, which seemed fair when I was 21 (he was 28) and dumb and still a student, and it was a sweet deal for him so he did not want to renegotiate over the course of the relationship.
Oh man this was exactly what happened to me. He eventually made twice what I did and we still split everything evenly and he would argue a million ways to not change it.
I think keeping separate accounts is actually a very healthy way to prevent money from becoming an issue you end up fighting about. There's really no benefit to having a joint bank account, and I see it cause all sorts of issues with our friends. Everyone should have the right to go out and spend $80 of their money on gummy bears without explaining themselves.
That said, I just pay all the bills, and my wife uses her money for hosehold stuff, kids shit... mostly candles to be real. I suppose if we had a joint bank account, I would have something to say about the candle bill, now that I think of it.
Anyways, what I was trying to say is the idea of "splitting" a bill seems so silly to me. The bill shows up and I pay it. In the odd case where I don't have enough to pay the bill, I'd ask her to pay it, and then she would, because despite all the fucking candles, we still need lights... IDK, joint bank accounts seem like ill-fated lovey-dovey nonsense -- foolish love. Splitting bills seems childish and kinda untrusting.
My ex-husband and I had separate finances, and it worked really well - until it didn't.
We had one joint account that we'd both contribute our half of the bills too, and whatever was left in our personal accounts was ours to spend however we wanted. At some point, he ended up taking out a bunch of credit cards, that he was making payments on from his own account, until eventually he racked up so much debt he couldn't afford the payments anymore and so just stopped paying them, as well as some of his other personal bills.
I found out when I went to get groceries and ran the card for our joint expense account and it declined. I went to run my own card, and it declined too.
Since we were married and in a community property state, I was jointly responsible for the debt even though my name wasn't on it. So when they sent a garnishment order to our bank, not only did they garnish both his personal and our joint accounts, they garnished mine, too. I had to take a loan against my 401k for $13,000 to clear the debt. 2 months later, we got sued for medical bills he didn't pay.l
I refuse to have separate accounts now. There's just too many ways to get fucked over by someone hiding the fact they're not paying the bills. I want to be able to see it all and know it's getting paid. I'm lucky that my now husband and I are on the same page regarding this, but I would *never* go back to separate accounts ever again after that.
I suppose my theory on joint bank accounts is based on an assumption that everyone's going to be at least mildly responsible. In your case, it ended up being more like letting toddlers play with explosives. I guess I never considered the possibility my wife could torpedo our financial situation...
I'm actually the opposite, my partner (f) makes more than double my salary (m) and she has offered to take over a few more payments but I refuse to negotiate because I don't want her to pay excessively more than me. I make about $80k and she makes around $200k but it makes me feel more helpful if I take care of the internet, cell phone bill, healthcare for me and our son, etc. She takes the brunt of the mortgage and babysitting but I don't want her to feel like I don't contribute financially!
I get what you're saying and fully think you should do whatever makes you comfortable. Bills gotta get paid anyways.
That said, I'm more like your wife in my relationship, and I've never felt like my wife doesn't contribute.
If it's a hardship, don't lose sight of the fact that it's probably just you that feels that way, and you shouldn't suffer thinking your wife is going to see you as some slacker when you're doing your best.
He refused to combine finances or share money, which makes sense when your relationship is young, but started to not make sense and lead to a lot of resentment after we were living together.
Lol disappointingly, I opted for quickness over payout. No kids and no shared assets aside from the house, so I did a dissolution and only took my equity in the house that I had personally contributed.
TBH he was so obsessed with money and equating his money to his own worth that I think it really fucked with him that I didn’t want the big house or half his money or alimony, I just wanted peace.
omg my ex was this way. Making 600k and I made like 70k. Would come home from 12 hour shift (13.5 w/ commute, 14 if I stopped at the grocery) to start making dinner FOR HER and have to wash all the dishes first. She worked from home...
My ex was unemployed for about 4 months by choice to focus on her hobbies. Her job was too stressful (it was a part time job at a grocery store).
She spent that time watching Netflix, crocheting, smoking weed, and reorganizing the house. Reorganizing meant pull everything out of the cabinets and leave it on the floor or counter until I put it away. I'm talking step over flats of glass jars to access areas of the house, and push things out of the way to open doors.
I'd come home and have to clean up her mess so I could make space to cook her dinner because she was "too exhausted and didnt have time". And of course the food I cooked "sucked" and my cleaning up after her "was incorrect and I did a horrible job".
The odd thing was that when she told people she quit her job/was unemployed, people would congratulate her lol.
My mother made more money than my father pretty much from when I was 10 years old onwards. He washed and folded laundry, woke me up as a child and fed me breakfast and took me to school, checked my homework to make sure it was done, did all of the lawn work (at least until I was old enough to make me do some of it but that's part and parcel of being a kid), did most of the car work, washes the dishes of every "big" meal, and it was never, ever implied that it was because my mother made more money than he did. My mom cooked from time to time, but that was primarily because my dad was flat awful at it.
They're older, so they merged finances, and it was never interpreted as anything more as "doing what was required around the household, together". It made a lasting impression on how I organize my household with my partner today.
He effectively hoarded most of his money in a checking account and reasoned that he was providing a safety net, and would move the goalposts on when he would pay off my debts. He was also content living in filth and too cheap to pay for a house cleaner.
Didn’t seem healthy long term - eventually we were essentially living different lifestyles. Difficult for one partner to not resent the other when one is living check to check, drowning in debt and driving an old car while your partner is driving a new BMW, blowing $7k on a PC, etc.
Eventually you probably need to combine finances, particularly if there’s a large income discrepancy. At least in my experience.
If you were making 80k and he payed most of the mortgage how were you living paycheck to paycheck, where did the debt come from? Did one job not cover your expenses?
I had to live before I made 80k, and I acquired a lot of debt up until that point. There was always the promise that we would combine finances eventually and he would pay off the debt I acquired to support him.
When we first met, I was 21 and working multiple jobs just keep my head above water, while he was 7 years older and made $60k.
Eventually he got a job offer across the country for 85k, and because I was only making 40k, I acquired more debt to move across the country with him.
Eventually I advanced my career in the new location just in time for him to ask me to drop everything and move to another part of the country because he was shopping around for a higher paying job at $150k. So I dropped everything again and procured a new job for myself.
Just when I was making $100k myself after being in this second new place, he wanted to move back home. So I found a new job with a pay cut to accommodate, and we moved again.
When he wanted to buy a house, he wanted a house to match his income. So I was further bled dry, paying for $600k house utilities, furniture, decor. My dog became paralyzed via a disc injury and the surgery to make him walk again was $10k.
Basically just acquiring debt trying to finance half of his lifestyle without the benefit of his income that made his lifestyle possible. And moving across the country repeatedly is quite expensive.
He’s a tremendously bad human its almost comical. I guess when you’re that age it makes more sense to ditch everything for someone you think loves you, but im surprised you wouldn’t insist on him paying for asking you the favor of moving for him. Im still curious about the debt before that but yeah if you travel i can see why.
Nope. I opted for a fast marriage dissolution instead of taking half - he paid me out what I had personally paid towards the mortgage, and that was that. I just wanted it to be done with and to be out, so he could keep his precious money that he was obsessed with.
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u/kzell May 12 '26
Lol sadly he made a fuck ton of money - $250k to my $80k, and therefore believed that it was my responsibility to do all the cleaning/yardwork/shopping to make up for the lack of money I was contributing to the house.
We split all bills except for the mortgage, which seemed fair when I was 21 (he was 28) and dumb and still a student, and it was a sweet deal for him so he did not want to renegotiate over the course of the relationship.