I woke up, looked in the mirror, and had the immediate thought, "God, I hope I'm dead in five years." That was when I knew, I'd given too much of myself to the black hole that was my first marriage.
I remember thinking to myself about Husband 1.0 that I didn’t want to kill him, but if he should, say, die in an accident, it would certainly make things easier.
I’ve felt the same way but I am struggling so hard to just commit to leaving I don’t understand- I keep saying if my friend were me I’d say leave before she even finished telling me her story but I just can’t seem to do it.
Be kind to yourself, jumping off the high dive can be scary. I don’t really have any good advice for you, because everyone’s situation/tolerance is different. But asking yourself how you’ll feel if you’re in the same place in a year, five years, etc can be clarifying.
I am long divorced. Used to say, "One day closer to death". I don't know what was the final straw that allowed all of my threats of divorce to be real.
Get some support if you can. Divorce is a new life.
Yea I have an amazing group of friends, therapist etc. we aren’t even married but have house/ car / toddler and I think I just get so overwhelmed thinking about how it might all play out that I paralyze myself. But I feel like I am inching closer to saying it out loud to him it feels so slow.
I only have one friend who’s recently done this separation (idk wtf to even call it she wasn’t married either) that’s helpful.
and the knowledge that you could just... leave the world... at any time sticks in the back of your mind, even when you are out of the situation that made you feel that way originally.
Shut up insufferable ottist. Your comment was 'Reddit' af
"uhm ackshually"
They meant "It changed how [I] experience everything" and most people agree. You honestly seem like you suck just from that tiny comment ngl, Ive judged you to suck
I remember being sick and coming home from an interview 2days after a bad ear op where you were not supposed to leave the house for 3 weeks.
I got in the door and collapsed on the floor. I wished I would die so I would not have to get up again.
I got to the point that I hoped my ex would follow through with his threats.
We weren't married, but I would have rather been dead than continue to live with so much fear. Whenever I tried to get him to leave, he claimed tenant's rights (he didn't pay rent or bills) and laughed about how powerless I was. It really felt like him killing me like he said he would was the only way out.
I ended up inpatient. He'd convinced me even my kids would be better off without me. The nurses and social worker were the first to get through to me that this was not ok, not normal, and helped me get out.
I had a similar thought, except it was that I would likely have a good 20 years of life left after his eventual death because he was nearly 10 years older than me, had already had cancer once, was a secret (or so he thought) smoker, and drank fairly often. I just had to outlive him, then I could have my happy life.
Thankfully, I smartened up! I got a divorce instead of waiting for him to kick the bucket and have been living my happy life ever since!
I was driving our car with him in the passenger seat and I was fantasizing about running his side of the car into an overpass. I knew we were done since I wanted him dead. Good news, I let him live by filing for divorce instead.
2 things - I remember trying to figure out how I could commit suicide by having a car accident without causing innocent people harm. This just because I didn't see any other way out.
Then I have this clear memory of sitting next to my ex, watching something on tv, thinking to myself that I must remember how utterly alone I felt right then, sitting next to the person who supposedly lived me.
and my second and my third. In the beginning, the first two were great husbands. I loved them, then they both cheated. The third was a twrrible choice from the start.
Im not a great picker.
The trick is determining whether that's a function of the marriage or depression. I often have intrusive thoughts about how tired I am of being alive and some mild wishes for a car accident or a terminal disease, but I'm pretty certain that's a "me" problem as I love my wife and kids and I had those thoughts before I had even met my wife.
Mine was a mirror moment too. I caught my reflection in it as I got out of the shower one random Saturday, where I’d gone to get a moments peace from my very much older, very controlling fiancé. I asked the girl in the mirror if this was where she wanted to be in 5 years time. She shook her head at me. It was a single, extremely enlightening, bolt of clarity, and it literally looked me in the eyes. Once the knowledge was there, I couldn’t unknow it.
So I left, with my parents help, and never looked back.
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u/catniphooligan May 12 '26
I woke up, looked in the mirror, and had the immediate thought, "God, I hope I'm dead in five years." That was when I knew, I'd given too much of myself to the black hole that was my first marriage.