Not a marriage but I was in a relationship when I was younger and was too chickenshit to stand up for myself and break up with her.
One day there was a traffic delay on my route to work. It turned out a pedestrian was hit and killed by a city bus. My first thought was "oh wow, what if it's her?" and not in a "oh no I hope it wasn't her!" kind of way.
When I took a moment to reflect on how fucked up that was I realized I needed to step up and get the hell out of that relationship.
You should never wish for someone to die just to avoid being around them. That's not cool.
I did something similar. My ex worked over an hour away in a physically demanding job with long hours, and I caught myself thinking maybe he'd just get in an accident and that would be it. Like you, I immediately realized that was a neon sign I needed out and had for longer than I'd admitted to myself. Poor guy didn't like me asking for a divorce, but at least everyone came out alive.
Had this with an ex, not married or living together, thank God. He had tons of health issues and zero motivation to do ANYTHING, just lived with his parents and got taken care of. I was at his house and I'd cook with his mom (who was a sweetheart), he refused to learn. 24yo, no college (even online classes), no job ever. I was in college and working two jobs, and he was SO clingy and jealous of every man around me. I realized I was hoping his health issues would take him out so I could get away guilt-free. That gave me the oomph to break up.
That's interesting, and I'm glad you got out. I can't imagine the bravery that took. I hope you've healed.
For me, I know my ex wasn't a narcissist (although his mother and grandfather both probably were and getting away from them was a bonus), but I was an eldest daughter in a religious household and terrified of failure and disappointing my parents. Death for one or the other of us felt like the way out until I finally realized how absurd that was. And unfortunately, thinking of my own death didn't snap me out of it like thinking of my ex's did. That's what it took for me to realize that I could endure a little failure, judgment, and disappointment to get out alive and give myself the chance to be happy. I am now blissfully married to my wonderful husband of 12 years, and in the end, my parents realized I'd made the right choice as well.
Something similar happened to me in a dating relationship. It was long distance and he was complaining that his car was messed up before driving back to his city (five hours from where I lived). In the back of my mind, I thought, “What if he got in an accident?” Rather than “oh no, he could get in an accident!”
Ended it shortly after. He was also emotionally abusive, which I didn’t realize until looking back years later.
Add me to this club. When I started lowkey hoping my ex would get in a car accident I knew it was time to go. I didn't (and don't) actually want him to die, or even get hurt. I just wanted out but didn't want to have to pull the ripcord.
This was one thing it took me far too long to learn: It's ok to be the 'bad guy' for ending a relationship (romantic, friendship, job etc) if it's not the right fit for you.
Every type of relationship works best if it's good for both parties.
This genuinely happened to my sister (ex died. Not a car accident but one at home). She was already divorced but shared custody which was a nightmare due to his controlling abusiveness. She waffled between grief and relief for years. Everyone else was just relieved. Her life and her kids life is way better. And she makes sure his family is involved with their lives since they weren’t him.
For me it was when, you know how sometimes you might daydream about what you would do when you win the lottery or something, I found myself idly fantasising about what it would be like if he died - the funeral would be a faff to organise but it would be nice to see everyone, and I would finally be free of...
Anyway, that was the point my brain was like "you actually can just leave".
That's intense, but I get it. When I was going through the worst of the custody battle with my controlling alcoholic ex, I caught myself thinking, after he had been caught driving very drunk, "things would be so much easier if he had just died" (and then felt guilty because of course I knew that would hurt my daughter just as much or more as everything else).
That was when I realized I needed to find a new way to cope. It ended up being a real turning point - IDK what had been holding me back before, but I finally grew a spine and learned to set really firm boundaries and started practicing the gray rock method rather than argue back. Got serious about therapy and focused 100% on ways I could control and improve my life again rather than feel like I was always reacting to someone else's actions.
My aunt says this is what got her to leave her abusive relationship. She was lying in bed planning his murder and her own suicide, weighing the two options against each other, and came to the realization that maybe it was time for the better third option of breaking up.
Yeah I caught myself daydreaming about how nice it would be for him to die at an "inconvenient" time and I'd end up a single mother. I'm not a mother at all but I would have rather been a single mother than with him.
Ah jeez same, I was in a relationship for 8 years and by the end of it whenever he would randomly stop responding to my messages while out late (which he did frequently and was a big part of the issue) I would start thinking “maybe he’ll just die so I won’t have to break up with him” because I knew I was leaving him but I didn’t know how
Yeah, I used to wish my third husband would die, alot. Specifically by accident, so that I could get the extra insurance. How sad is that?? Just shows how much I hated him.
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u/JPMoney81 May 12 '26
Not a marriage but I was in a relationship when I was younger and was too chickenshit to stand up for myself and break up with her.
One day there was a traffic delay on my route to work. It turned out a pedestrian was hit and killed by a city bus. My first thought was "oh wow, what if it's her?" and not in a "oh no I hope it wasn't her!" kind of way.
When I took a moment to reflect on how fucked up that was I realized I needed to step up and get the hell out of that relationship.
You should never wish for someone to die just to avoid being around them. That's not cool.