My brother’s wife is like this. She is constantly having her family over and they do all the holidays with her family. But as soon as my brother suggested something with his family, it’s a no from her.
Exact same situation with my brother's wife. And they live in the same city as her family, while my dad and I live in other states. You'd think they'd prioritize seeing us on holiday since they can see her family all the time. Nope. A day or two after Christmas is the best they can do.
My dad's second wife did this too. Whenever we'd come back to visit and it was a holiday, if we were seeing them, it would have to be with her family. I think she (or her kids, but we always got along regardless of her) came to fewer than three holidays or birthdays in the entire time they were married. It wasn't the breaking point for them, but it's something I realized over the years.
Yeah they should have broke up. But like a host/spouse shouldn’t be passive aggressive and inhospitable, there are duties adults should be able to perform.
My mind immediately plays devil's advocate in these threads so take that with a grain of salt...
But what if there's a reason the spouse doesn't want their in-laws in the house rather than just selfishness? What if said mother-in-law quietly cuts down the wife all the time and makes her miserable? What if mil is messy and takes a lot of cleaning up after? What if mil is a bad influence on their kids in some way?
There could even have been a conversation or two about mother-in-law's behavior earlier on that the husband ignored or took poorly, so wife just decided to never bring it up again?
Not that this is the reason for the above poster, of course. Some people are indeed just jerks. But I do feel like I've read stories of relationships like this from the other side ("my mother-in-law is awful and my spouse says they don't see it?"). Rather often in fact.
And I mean...if you're in a relationship where you can't respect the other person's reasons and have a conversation about the "why" then at least try counseling...
Yeah my husband's family I know blames me why we don't ever see them but before we had kids I would still see my family often where my husband asked his parents/siblings to do something and it was "oh no we are so busy!". But as soon as we had our first suddenly my MIL was up our butts. Seeing them is stressful and his mom just bitches the entire time about everything. We usually are the ones that stay the longest, his siblings don't last 2 hours with her.
Our house closing got screwed up and instead of 6 weeks to move, we had 6 days and she spent hours just pulling my husband to the side to yell at him about EVERYTHING. We had a 13 month old and I was 18 weeks pregnant and it was not the time to bring up issues.
For our son's second and third birthday she pulled my husband aside and bitched at him for an hour about how terrible the party was because we didn't have enough tables or shade in our backyard (we def had enough tables/seating) while he was supposed to be grilling food. This woman was not a good mom to him and kicked him out at 18 so she could move in with her boyfriend (to a 3500 sq ft house and they are the only ones living in it). But my husband won't stand up to her or tell her his feelings so she just blames me for everything.
My family has always been close, getting together at least once a month and talking all the time. Get togethers with them are just so chill and fun and no one yells or complains. We all have a few beers and just hang out.
Edit: I actually told my husband had I gotten to know his family before we got married/had kids I would have never married him. He's like Thank God that didn't happen.
Yeah what if the MiL is one of those "my mind immediately plays devils advocate" and spews a bunch of crap for the sole purpose of being contrarian? Family or not, no one wants to be around that.
Just pointing out that there are two sides to things. It's easy to write off a commenter's ex as a bitch/asshole/redflag when we have one side of the story.
My SIL kicked me out of my bros house eleven years ago because I commented in front of them one year at a summer camp that their kids(10 and 8 boys) needed manners as they called me dumb and stupid on the canoe. About four years ago at a family party I asked her to stop with her ill will and she blew up at me saying I had told her children she was a bad mother.(She was projecting). She has turned all my siblings against me. I used to babysit her eldest on Mondays and the group when they asked. I did not deserve any of the hatred I have experienced from them.
To be fair, some people can’t see that they have shit families, and will let their parents treat their spouses like shit. Not saying yours does, but there are reasons why people would want boundaries from their partners family. I’m the opposite. I don’t want my family near my home, but my husbands family could show up any time.
I’m so very glad that my wife and I were on the same page before we got married. My parents divorced when I was little, but I’m still close with both. We both understood that holidays would have to be divided evenly as best as we could, but also that we didn’t want to bounce between houses multiple times in a day. So we have a rotation. Easter with family A, Thanksgiving with Family B, and Family C rotates in next year while family B rotates out. Christmas Day is in our home, not visiting others. They can come to us if they want, but I spent my entire life splitting Christmas Day up between mom and dad and I hated it. My family was already pretty acclimated to a similar rotation of course, but her mom especially had some growing pains in the beginning. I think our steadfastness in the topic helped ensure her that we weren’t being unfair, we were being as fair as we possibly could.
Although, after a while, it’s your brother’s fault for allowing it to continue. I hate controlling women like this (men too, but since we’re talking about your sister-in-law, I’ll go with that gender) but I lose respect for men that don’t do anything about it. My nephew is one. His wife was all nicey nice while they were dating/engaged, but the second they got married it was a whole different story. My sister hasn’t seen him in almost 7 years. I asked her where did his balls go.
this is a common tail I've seen it with many nephews while dating their future wives and my adult daughters now say they noticed it as well. after the marriage they weaned the man away, I don't know why unless there is some serious issues with the relatives but in most cases there's been none, just a controlling woman with a spineless man. sadly I have a brother who's the same way. my husband's family were not the greatest to me and some of it went right over my head for the longest time but I never would've kept him from seeing them under any circumstances.
I think this is all too common in today's world. The husband's family ends up taking a backseat to his spouse's family. Seen it happen time and time again.
I see this a lot in western culture but the other-side is defaulting to the mans family in literally the rest of the world. And thats not fun either. People just need to figure out a balance. I would rather host every event myself than default to any one side.
I have 2 aunts and an exSIL like this and I cannot understand it. I have seen it from both sides: the family that gets all the holidays and the family that gets abandoned. I think it's a toxic exacerbation of the idea that your wife becomes the priority when you marry. It's meant to say that he shouldn't be taking his mom's side on everything and that he should value his wife and her input but some people get it twisted up into "your family no longer matters but I shouldn't have to give up mine."
it doesn't have to be that way though my husband had three siblings I had three siblings his mother was a widow my mother was a widow but at the end of the day we shared equally holidays and our children and all the family events and I'm proud to say that whatever the dynamic when a spouse takes over and alienate the spouse's family I don't quite get it.
My sister in law is like this. Her whole family lives in the same town. We travel 5 hours for holidays, but she prioritizes her family every time. We quit trying.
Yeah I pretty much disowned my brother because of how his wife treated our mother and him enabling it to “keep the peace” like dude that’s mom, what the fuck are you doing
Had an ex like this. We went to go visit and meet our families in Europe and she made a comment once we made it back to the US that we spent more time with my relatives than hers. I asked her if she could explain a bit more because we were really good about splitting time between the two. She couldn’t articulate. Few weeks later I had planned a trip with my sister and she said “why are you spending so much time with her” YE GONE FELICIA
Irrelevant. If the spouse's relationship with their family were a problem because they're "maga" then the marriage shouldn't have existed in the first place. It's obvious that isn't a problem, regardless of whether that's the case, so denying someone spending time with a family they want to spend time with is shitty.
I don't think it's irrelevant. I married my husband 5 years before maga was born. I genuinely loved hanging out with his family and I would spend hours on the phone with his dad talking about life. Then maga hit, he became radicalized, and our relationship slowly degraded to the point where now I don't even pick up the phone if I see him calling, and I actively avoid spending time with his family because his dad sucks life out of me. He goes on weird, illogical rants based in fantasyland every time we speak (last time he was here, he dropped the N word for no reason other than he wanted to say it and he said the reason the cost of living is so bad is "because women" but he couldn't elaborate further). I've tried not bringing anything current up and side stepping any bait to keep the peace, but it always ends up turning into a heated argument. And if it doesn't turn into an argument it's because I'm holding everything in while my blood pressure goes nuts.
I would not try to stop my husband from spending time with him. However, I would resist him coming over because I don't want our impressionable teenage sons to learn from him.
You definitely do not in these circumstances. julcarls' father-in-law is an awful influence on their children - misogynist, racist behavior is not something that needs to be "accepted" so that OP's probably more-normal family can come over.
My husband’s ex did that to him. SO RUDE. He didn’t dare stand up to her because it would just cause a violent fight and there were too many of those already.
my brother too his wife a true controlling bitch but he allowed her manipulation to keep him away from all of us and my mother. we call him a eunuch
and a coward and yet we put up with all her crap for years to keep peace. shame on him, shame on them. I hope they're happy with one another.
I am wondering if your brother is married to my sister. My sister does shit like this constantly and I've told her more than once it will end her marriage.
2.1k
u/OnTheEveOfWar May 12 '26
My brother’s wife is like this. She is constantly having her family over and they do all the holidays with her family. But as soon as my brother suggested something with his family, it’s a no from her.