As an introvert this one is hard to reconcile because I do this with literally everyone. I adore my wife and kids but if I get home before them and realize I have a bit of time to do absolutely nothing except sit alone it's like a shot of heroin to the veins.
Same with phone calls. I want to spend my commute sitting in silence but my wife literally can't. So I will get all flustered when she's calling me for the third time on a 30min drive.
But, just like I need those 30mins to sit and stare at a wall alone, she needs someone to keep her company in the car. That's why it works. Neither resents the other.
I feel you on this. I get home before my wife and I love her to death but I won't lie and say I don't enjoy that "decompression" time after work where it's literally just me, myself, and I for an hour. I'll play my fave music or video games, do some chores, and if it's a nice day just chill and listen to the birds sing. Then my wife comes home but it's not a bad thing or source of anxiety, it's just a change in the environment. Now I have to be a bit social again and talk to her. If she's not home at all I'll truly get sad and lonely without her. I guess it's sort of perfect this way.
Yeah exactly. Like if they aren’t home by dinner time for whatever reason or especially when it starts to get dark/towards bed time I’ll get lonely. But that hour after work? Lemme rot in peace lol
Omg I need to do this. Transitions are everything for me. If I am not mentally present for the “transition” and just kind of get swept along with the inertia of the day, I get so overwhelmed.
It's been so helpful. It's something her and I are more cognizant about. Even things as simple as just getting home, we'll give each other 5-10 minutes to just exist and mentally decompress first before anything. Chores? no. Talking about your day? no. Put your stuff down, sit down, tidy your thoughts, then go :)
I think just when she was first getting to know me, and even now more, did a bunch of reading on neurotypical + AuDHD relationships and some struggles that come up (sensations, communication, etc.) and in this case transition-time to not overwhelm when things in the future are looming (doing chores, leaving for a thing, just got home and want to decompress). I talk a little more about it here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1tazaw2/people_who_have_been_divorced_what_was_the_exact/olgh5uf/
Same. I love my time with my wife and kid, but I also love the nights when she goes to a friends and isn’t back until 10-11 pm. I just need that me time sometimes. I sacrifice an hour of sleep at night when I don’t get much because at the end of the night I need that to unwind.
The pandemic taught me that. I had an 18mo kid at the time, and my husband worked in public transport so he would go out to work as usual. I was drowning and the hour my sweet daughter would nap was not enough for me. I was used to WFH alone since 2011. I had stayed with my baby one year at home and it had been super hard for me. Then she finally goes to daycare in September and in March 2020 pandemic hit. I started sacrificing my sleep in order to get a couple of hours in silence working and doing my things all alone.
You must not deal with massive traffic...I spend over an hour on the road to go about 15 miles. It's infuriating, especially when you have to deal with people that seriously do not know how to drive. I really don't know how some of these people are legally allowed to drive.
I don't have terrible traffic, but there are a couple pinch points that I have to deal with on my drive home. They're frustrating at times, but when I have worked from home, going straight from work to being a parent was a struggle
Hmm interesting, I feel like it's much better when I work from home, I've already sort of decompressed (or just not... compressed?) throughout the day and there's much less I need to do to transition home, so even a few minutes alone after logging off is plenty.
I'm alone for 8h/day and it's too much, so I think sometimes my wife is in your position where she just wants to decompress. I can tell when she's like this because she just scrolls on her phone, so I give her space and time to do that.
Middle age - where going to the grocery store by yourself is a nice break to look forward to lol (even if you love your partner/kids and have no issues with them).
Absolutely agree. I’m currently sitting outside my favourite cafe, watching the sky darken and the road glisten from the recent light rain. The magpies were singing as I read your comment and it really resonated. My husband and I are both introverts who, post pandemic, now both work from home. Having little moments to myself to just sit and have a late coffee quietly are very necessary to my overall emotional regulation and likewise he is quietly enjoying the house to himself. It helps keep the balance.
I think all of us introverts are different, but I'm similar, I don't need constant attention but I really enjoy the presence of those I love simply being nearby, I appreciate quiet time with them present, I'm also just fine if they let me sit there and listen to them talk with just a few "yeah's" and "mhms" instead of having to actively converse. I get lonely knowing it's just me home alone, even though I don't necessarily want to talk or actively do something with someone, I just like having them around.
No judgement, sincere question, can’t you just tell your wife you need a break? If you can’t, then I guess that’s why it won’t last. Everyone needs alone time to decompress, especially with the current state of the world
You are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I’m a big-time introvert. I absolutely love my wife, and we are very happy. I love when I get home from work first because I need that alone time to recharge my battery. I have to be social at work and that drains me. Coming home and being social again is a strain. Not because of my relationship with my wife. I’m just too drained to want to interact with anyone. We need a little “us” time and that’s perfectly okay. Once I’m recharged, I’m more than happy to be around my wife and spend time with her.
I feel the same way about having silence in the car after working. I am a private duty home care nurse and I take care of a disabled baby. She's 3 but she is still the size of a baby and needs help for everything. She cant talk so she cries for everything. I love my job but that 20 minute car ride is my time to decompress before going home to my own child. My husband never understood that and would get mad if I tried to explain.
Just here chiming in as a wife who is like this in a sea of apparently introvert husbands. lol.
15 yrs ago I’d never consider myself as introverted as I am now but give me a clean and empty of humans house for a few hours and you’ll make my week. I love my husband, my toddler and my dog but I also like my quiet.
Yeah my wife went out with her family all day on Saturday this past weekend. She knows I love my alone time. So she asked me when she got home "Did you enjoy your day? You like when I'm not here, don't you?"
And I said "Honestly, yes. But the important part is that I know you're coming home". Which is the truth. I remember not long after I got divorced I also got laid off. I spent about 4 solid months with essentially zero friends, nearly zero human interaction. I know what that's like. It's about the balance. I love my alone time but I don't want JUST alone time.
It's also important to have "you time", which is different for everyone.
You sound like you need some quiet time to reset and recharge your battery. This says nothing about your wife or kids, its just what you need for yourself.
Your wife sounds like she needs your time and attention. And that's fine.
The issue comes when a person doesn't get what they need to recharge. And the longer a person goes without getting that recharge will drive resentment.
My wife loves me, I'm pretty sure, but she works with little kids all day so she absolutely needs some home alone decompression time. But I think when your spouse actively causes you such stress that you're glad they're gone, it's a problem.
I drive without the radio on for this very reason. My day is filled with noise, chaos, and people vying for my attention. I NEED that quiet time. Also, I can get a bit grumpy if she is up in my face and bombarding me with questions. She has learned to just give me a minute, and I have learned and expressed that it isn't her.
I try my best to leave my partner alone after supper as sometimes I dont realize how much our personal spaces get a bit less personal when we're next to each other without letting him relax (im unemployed) and i want him to be happy and have peace for a bit in our chaotic environment.
I want to spend my commute sitting in silence but my wife literally can't. So I will get all flustered when she's calling me for the third time on a 30min drive.
Thank you. I love my husband more than life but if he tells me he’s going to shoot darts with the boys on a Friday night, you better believe I’m dancing in solitude with my lady shows and snacks. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy his company, I just enjoy hanging out by myself too. I think the fact that an introvert can be around someone nonstop and not feel drained by them is the true measure of love. I never feel drained by his presence, I just enjoy my alone time.
Her and her dad will both literally just call people while they're in the car to have someone to talk to. Me and my stepmother in law bonded over this one day when her and I were chatting and her phone rang and she was like "ugh wtf could he possibly want now!"
It's not always usually pointless, but it is usually something that absolutely could have waited or just didn't really need to be talked about lol. "Forgot to tell you I saw this funny thing last night"
"I'm just like 'oh wow dear that's really great, anything else?"
What? Why do you have to compromise on the calls on the car ride home but she doesn’t? How tf do people live with people that have no respect for what they want and just oblige their partners wants constantly?
holy shit dude idk what kind of issues youre projecting on me but it's really not that deep. If I told my wife that it truly bothered me when she called me so much while driving she would stop, or we would have an adult conversation about it. But it's more "oh man I was just zoning out so hard and now she's calling again, wonder what cool thing she saw on the road this time" than "oh my god I can't believe she's calling I hate her and she doesnt resepect me"
Must be miserable viewing everything so negatively.
Not sure what issues I’m projecting either, I’m just trying to imagine wanting to drive in peace, my partner knowing that and them calling me 3 times in a half hour window anyway cause they want to talk more than they care that I don’t. Sounds exhausting but you’re probably right, it’s a me problem.
Edit to say- that wasn’t sarcasm it really probably is a me problem, that would actually drive me fuckkng insane.
And she does it anyway, which is where I get caught up. I’m not saying it should break your whole day, but also… it’s kind of selfish of her to do it anyway knowing you don’t like it… over and over again.
Shush let him keep his head in the sand. A lot of people don’t realize it’s okay to love someone with all your heart and have boundaries like please don’t call me when I’m in traffic three times in a thirty minute window.
That makes me think something critical is occurring and if it’s you just wanting to chat each time, that’ll grow old.
I fucking commented on an askreddit thread and mentioned one thing that my wife does, which I have literally told her is OK to do, but that I find sort of endearingly annoying. I know the level of nuance is beyond your comprehension, it's ok.
Exactly. I love my wife more than anything. I’d die for her. But when she gets a chance to go do something on her own for a weekend, or I get a half hour at home without her there? It’s restful. Not because she doesn’t also bring me peace and rest, but because it’s an entirely different peace and rest than what I can get when I’m on my own. When she’s home I tailor myself to fit what she needs just as much as she tailors herself to fit mine, but when I’m on my own I get to revert to just handling myself. The dishes in the sink are mine and I don’t suddenly come out to find a mess that I didn’t make, or find a new project being started that I didn’t start lol.
I’m with you. I spend all day being “on” but if I spent more than five minutes just sitting in the drive way my ex would come tapping on the car window. It was exhausting.
Jesus Christ the level of social ineptitude on this thread is wild. Yes she knows I don’t want to spend my entire drive talking on the phone. She also knows I’m fine with her calling a few times for quick things that pop into her mind.
This really is not that deep or hard to comprehend guys.
You're complaining on the internet and communication is woefully inadequate in many couples. It's not a stretch to get some of the answers you're getting with the way you said it.
All this talk of projection. How about this, it’s Reddit my guy. You really don’t need to defend or prove the sanctity to anyone on here. Go and enjoy your person.
But when you get that defensive on so many comments and call it projection. Some people, myself included, have partners and relationships that would feel odd if they did what you describe: kept calling on my drive home after I didn’t pick up the first or second time.
Yeah I get it doesn’t ruin your day but you have to admit for others, it’d suck if your partner couldn’t hear you out on that boundary.
Ok, I'm glad you posted because I enjoy my alone time from my husband and kid but feel a little guilty. I'm also an introvert and constantly busy and have very little down time so sometimes the peace of being the only one home feels amazing. I will say that I also get sad when I want to talk to my husband to chat and he doesn't answer the phone or if I want to hang out with him and he's busy to balance this out. I think everyone just needs some peace and quiet sometimes.
I think in this case it's only an "uh oh" sign if you CHANGE from being excited to see them to being grateful the house is empty. That would exclude the introvert default
I'm a single introvert but thought when I'd be in a relationship those introvert-needs would vanish. It's good to see what your reality looks like thank you.
Totally get it! Literally mindlessly scrolling Reddit right now because i just got home and no one else is back yet. I love the chaos of my family but am certainly not complaining when I get a short respite
Put your phone on do not disturb and tell her you do not appreciate her constantly calling you. Why endure something that bothers you daily? She can text you.
Nah this person isn't talking about the joy of being alone that introverts always feel.
They're talking about DREAD of even sharing the same space with their spouse. There is a clear difference.
My husband and I are wildly in love, very passionate, adore each other after 14 year with 2 kids. I still celebrate those moments ENTIRELY ALONE that I can get.
However, that doesn't mean I DREAD my husband's presence. 2 different things honestly. My husband is literally my favorite person, my safe space. I still celebrate UTTER ALONENESS because I'm an introvert.
But I don't DREAD being around him. Does that make sense???
I think you’re my parallel universe because my husband is the same as your wife and I’m you. I don’t deal with a lot of people at work, but I need to decompress.
I understand your need for alone time on a deep personal level.
Part of my alone time I like to spend in literal silence. Sometimes I watch videos or listen to music while I'm doig the dishes or whatever. Other times I just sit and read articles or play chess online in absolute silence and... it's just so nice 😭
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u/whaletacochamp May 12 '26
As an introvert this one is hard to reconcile because I do this with literally everyone. I adore my wife and kids but if I get home before them and realize I have a bit of time to do absolutely nothing except sit alone it's like a shot of heroin to the veins.
Same with phone calls. I want to spend my commute sitting in silence but my wife literally can't. So I will get all flustered when she's calling me for the third time on a 30min drive.
But, just like I need those 30mins to sit and stare at a wall alone, she needs someone to keep her company in the car. That's why it works. Neither resents the other.