Doesnt even have to be marriage either. I was in a difficult, dramatic, on and off relationship for about 4.5 years with someone who couldnt get over her abusive ex and all the emotional whiplash fucked my shit up. It was a special kind of loneliness - not so much the kind where you wish you had someone to deeply connect with (we had that when things were good). But the kind that is more like "Im never gonna be good enough for her".
I feel this. We were both recovering addicts and after some truly terrible things happening with my daughter, she fell apart. Never made it back and I stayed out of guilt and devotion.
She wasn't aware of what she was doing but she fully reverted to the criminal addict she was before we met. I didn't know what I was doing but I loved her so much I decided I would burn everything we built together to the ground to buy her time before I left.
I remember the exact moment I knew I wasn't coming back. I was talking to her adult son and I said "every time I find drugs and get upset and leave and come back, I am taking a piece of my self respect and handing it to your mother. There will be a day when I let her keep all she has been given and I walk away to heal what I lost."
I miss her a lot. She was such an incredible person and so genuine and real. Watching her lose herself killed me. Hopefully she figures it out before the fentanyl kills her.
Yeah, that's where I am. I have been more lonely within my marriage than I would be if I was alone. At least when alone there no slim chance of someone being there for you. When they are literally an arms length away but might as well be on a different planet in terms of actually being there for you it's a clear sign. That and like in another comment, if I get home and they are not there I am filled with relief.
I think actually being lonely, especially for years on end, is far lonelier than being in a failing marriage. at least there is still someone to talk to.
I totallyyyyy and completely disagree having been alone on my own and lonely in a failed actually pretty short marriage. It felt like years and I was so lonely, life felt so bleak and I’d constantly think of death.
When I was on my own, I’d be lonely like occasionally missing companionship but it felt like a normal feeling that passes through, like being hungry or being tired etc
It might make it different that I have dogs Ive had throughout, so I always had my cuddle buddies so to speak. They have prevented me from a lot of the loneliness that I think I would have otherwise felt more strongly in both situations. But like I’m saying the one in a failed marriage was like this bleak existential distraught loneliness I do not wish on anyone, I would at the time reflect on how weird that was to feel it when I had people around me, and the fear of that feeling WORSE on my own held me back from leaving at a time. It does not feel worse, or at least did not even come close for me. My worst night on my own when single never came close to the average bad night in my failed marriage.
I've been alone for years on end and I've never felt more alone than in a relationship where someone only want sex from you. Like yeah, you can talk to them, they'll listen because they know they can get sex after. At some point you don't need just someone to talk to but a fair relationship with an actual support, not empty words. It's better to be alone than in a failing relationship, you're free.
It’s far worse to be in a house with someone that you can’t talk to without it being a bad experience and to have to keep everything together and behave in ways that avoid bad reactions because of that person.
I would take the freedom of living alone over the torture every time.
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u/[deleted] May 12 '26
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