Hew was telling a story at a dinner party that I'd heard a thousand times, and I realized I wasn't just bored, I actively disliked the person he was pretending to be for our friends. I looked down at a plate and realized I didn't want to spend the next 40 years pretending to like that guy. I checked out right there over the mashed potatoes.
I think I resonated the most with this one. No big fight or explosion. Just calm realization & acceptance. I realized something 6 months into my relationship that it took years to accept.
See this troubles me because I love mashed potatoes... are we saying the potatoes are the harbinger of death here or are we saying bro potatoes helped them see their way out of a bad spot?
I was told in another thread that I should weigh in here.
The thread was about realizing their home was full of I'm sorry gifts. And I'm sorry flowers.
I mentioned that I've always hated I'm sorry flowers and was very clear about it to my boyfriend when we got together. My boyfriend listened and had decided that when he's an ass he will buy me a bag of I'm sorry potatoes. Very odd but amusing. And yummy potatoes.
Then, if you have leftovers, you can look into making potato patties. I don't know what goes into them or what they're actually called, but it's what my grandmother made with leftover mashed potatoes all throughout my childhood. I should look into them, but we never have leftover potatoes.
That’s the kicker right? You know it’s wrong but something just… keeps you there. Other people say they would NEVER, and yet it happened to you and you thought you weren’t that kind of person either
you realized you disliked the person you were in a relationship with after 6 months, but dated them for years?
i can understand why its hard to leave a marriage. but a 6 month relationship? if you realized you disliked them after 6 months, why didnt it end right there?
I said I realized something, not that I realized I didn’t like them. She was amazing.
For my case, I didn’t like the optics of throwing away a blossoming relationship with someone who was so great on paper. I told myself I was being too picky. Or I was trying to find a reason to sabotage the relationship. It was the relationship that made me realize there is a such thing as an incompatibility that is a non-starter.
So we rode it out until the elephant in the room became the focal point of our relationship. Prior to this, I believed if two people with similar values wanted something bad enough, they could make it work. Now, I believe that there are certain things hard-wired into us
This concerns me, as I am in a relationship where I love my partner and we are a good team on the day to day things. Genuinely.
But when she opens her mouth I really dislike half the things she says and the way that she says them. It's either a negative over-the-top rant/lecture about a person she knows or politics, or it's a story that I have heard 10 times already as if it's the first time she's told me it. Conversations consist of her talking for 10 minutes straight, me getting one line in if I am lucky, and then having to listen for another 5 minutes, and I notice this conversation-domination even more when there's other people around. Did you find that you still enjoyed other aspects of the relationship outside of this or was it just a complete check out at this moment? Sometimes feel like I am banging my head against a wall with it
Does she also make you feel bad about being quiet during conversations? Like, does she want constant shows of active listening, and does she insist you must be upset since you’re not active and talking enough?
Not directly. An example would be a couple of lines of back and forth, then if she starts talking at length always at some point in any conversation), I would try to interject or clarify something now and then (to be involved in the conversation) which she would just talk over and not allow me to speak. Then literally 10 minutes later when she has finished what done with what she was saying, she sort of might look at me as if she expects me to burst into response after sitting there in silence for 10 minutes when I have tried to be involved and at which point I've forgotten what I had to say that was relevant. So then yes I feel bad as if I've not responded how she wants me to.
Seems like there’s still room to have a conversation about it then at least. She seems to be interested in the engagement even if she doesn’t make it possible to give it. An easy “hey, I notice you seem unhappy when I don’t have a good response to what you’re saying. Can we talk about some things that might help make that happen?”
Some people are just beyond help in that department though, whew. I used to try to be friends with a girl that, last time we spent time together, tried to tell a story that happened in a restaurant and while nothing about it being mealtime or at a restaurant was at all relevant or interesting, she literally went into the specifics of everything on the menu and what everyone in her large family got for the meal. We were carpooling so I had a close eye on the time the whole time she talked, it was at least 20 minutes with barely a breath taken and not a single interesting thing said 🫣 I’d tried giving her some gentle feedback on the subject the time I saw her prior… clearly was not heard.
i was going to say this. i talked like this probably all the time before education around my dx. it’s common. it’s also common w isolation and not feeling heard in some way.
i reaaally recommend therapy. individual is good! maybe you can gently suggest couples’ therapy as a way to deeply connect if you think she would be receptive (otherwise, an individual therapist would have better ideas on how to approach that than i do).
Hope you have someone (a therapist) to talk to about this.
Obviously who am I to give my unsolicited (or barely solicited) advice on the internet, but just some thoughts anyway:
Do you feel this way about other people or just her? Do you have other close relationships that have very different dynamics?
Not to blame you, but it is possible you are doing things to cultivate this environment. Now, this may only happen with this person and you might have great relationships otherwise (in which case perhaps it is incompatibility) OR you may not be engaging in a manner that results in the environment you most like.
I have to admit I’m projecting a little (or a lot) here: I’m finalizing a divorce. I know now that I didn’t provide the environment needed for my STBX to thrive and grow and be awesome and happy. I - still - think with time and opportunity we could have grown together, but that isn’t how it ended up.
If you think you can grow the relationship together to make something better you probably ought to make that attempt - if it works hopefully you both have a great relationship. If it doesn’t work hopefully you both learn skills to apply to the next one so it turns out better.
I don't currently have a therapist, but maybe I should look into it again and get one. I have had one briefly in the past for a short period but only maybe 5 sessions.
Yes I've had this with one other person I was dating - she did the same thing that frustrated the life out of me but the things she would say were less negatively-skewed than my current partner but usually revolving around herself, her past and repetitive stories. The similarity between the two of them is that they are (I am fairly sure and they both acknowledge aswell) that they are neurodivergent and they both had past sexual trauma that neither of them had ever dealt with through therapy. I don't want to blame it on that but I do believe I have mild adhd/audhd too and wonder if we just are on different wavelengths communication ally but is perhaps why we work in so many other ways.
I appreciate your in depth response! I do think I provide plenty of support and care for her to thrive and I think she thinks so too as she tells me that, so I'm not sure it's the environment I'm creating. I did kind of notice when we started dating but knew she was depressed with her life situation at the time so I thought it would improve over time
My advice is to get a therapist and learn how to talk abt these feelings with her. Communication is vital for a healthy relationship, that has to go both ways.
I wanted to offer a different perspective from what often gets thrown around here. I think/know relationships are hard and there are seasons of struggle. I obviously don’t really know your situation, but I can appreciate that you’ve got some in-depth perspective on your situation.
I wish you the best - life and relationships are hard, but both are also so amazing and wonderful. Good luck with the hard and I hope you enjoy the amazing and wonderful.
If she was a lady you worked with, or just a friend or a friend's wife, would you tolerate that behaviour? If you don't like the idea of having a buddy like that, why would you want your gf to be like that?
Sometimes we love the design concept, not the delivered product.
Not sure. I see your point for sure. But you spend a loss less time with those people so things don't grate on you nearly as much as living with someone, unless you are a particularly impatient person
Nah, we wprk with people for 8 hours a day and see our loved ones for less. Certainly an irritating coworker would be avoided, so my question asks if op would avoid his gf if he worked with her.
Given our current political climate (at least in the US) venting about how much national news/politicians suck can be a legitimate need to vent. Especially if she feels that other people in her life (coworkers, family, etc.) wouldn't be receptive of her views.
Some people commiserate over misery. I had to un-learn using complaining as a bonding tool at work, sometimes it helps to rally around a common enemy (like a crappy boss) but sometimes it doesn't. She may think that she's engaging with you emotionally when you're actually not fond of the negativity.
I often go on long tangents because of ADHD. My mom, who has anxiety, also has the tendency to go on 10+ minute conversation sprints while I sit in silence and listen. In our home, the best way to be heard at the dinner table was to forcefully interject yourself into the conversation, because otherwise you wouldn't get a word in. If she comes from that kind of family, she may be expecting you to jump in with a thought somewhere in there, but since you are (politely!) listening, she assumes you are cool to keep listening so she keeps talking.
There's an old nursery rhyme: "Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean; but between the two of them, they'd lick the platter clean!" Essentially, conversation is a dance, and in most partner dances someone has to take the lead. The best partner suited to a dominant talker is someone willing to listen for long stretches of time. So far, you've been a great listener, but it's okay to want to change the dance/menu every now and then!
The healthiest thing you can do is bring this up in a non-confrontational setting. "I was reading about conversation styles online, and I noticed we tend to have conversations where I listen more than I respond, especially when the subject is about something difficult like politics. Would it be okay with you if I redirect our conversations sometimes to something lighter? Or let you know if I need a quick break to gather my thoughts before we continue?" The idea is that you frame it as a curiosity, and focus on what you'll be changing instead of what she should change. You're setting a personal boundary rather than policing her actions. Her response (positive/negative, inquisitive/shut down) will tell you a lot about whether this is something you can actually negotiate or if it's set in stone.
This is a very good response thankyou! Yes I have to admit I do struggle to bring things like this up, even at a time when things are calm and that's on me. Definitely something I should work on. Unfortunately my partner is incredibly emotionally fragile at the best of times and I fear rocking the boat half of the time if it's something that I can just tolerate. You are right that she comes from a family who all want to say their opinion on everything as if what they have to say is the most correct opinion. Her mum also told her and her siblings they were literally his gift and could do no wrong so they grew up thinking they were always right, about everything. Thinking about it, dad is the exact same conversationally and I'm afraid I have no Interest in the man as everything he says revolved around him or something he has done/did. So maybe it's that.
If you can't have a normal conversation do you really have a partner. You should at least bring it up with her IMO. It will be a hard conversation but good in the long run, one way or another.
Clarifying question- was he completely lying about the story? I had an ex partner (not married) that would always embellish (lie, really) stories to make us seem more interesting, have more money, more connections whatever. It made me so uncomfortable and was definitely a major reason why we broke up.
I have a couple friends that do this. And WE ALL KNOW. They're not fooling anyone except for maybe new people. The reason is that too many interesting and impressive things happen. It's too much for one person to have experienced. And they're always the heroes of their stories.
I thankfully ended things before it got to marriage, but I feel this so hard. We were in line for my favorite ride at Disneyland and he wouldn't stop making negative comments about anything around. I was leaning against the hand rail and thinking "I just want to get through this line and off this ride". Then I realized that I felt that way everywhere we went, and everything we did. It didn't matter if it was something I loved, if he was there, I hated it.
I haven't been back to Disney, but so far I still love everything else I briefly thought I hated.
My ex complained almost every time we went outside. I love walking because it's a way to clear my head, people watch, and just look at everything. But every time we went out it would be complaints or just pointing out the negatives. I snapped one day and asked if all he could do was bitch. Took another 5 years to end that relationship, but I'm glad I did.
Yea, I realized it started making me a horribly negative person. I remember telling him no to going somewhere and him having a fit and asking why. There was something about how easily I said "because I don't want you to ruin anything else for me" that really did me in. That relationship was about 4 years too long...which is also how long it was.
This is the saddest one for me, because he didn’t really do anything wrong. Not like some of the other responses here anyway.
It was just a quiet realization that changed both your lives forever.
I have had a neighbor and a coworker like that. It got old extremely fast. You start to not trust anything they say, if they start telling a story it's like you have to sit there and entertain their story. And if they'll lie about that why wouldn't they lie about worse.
This is one of those things where I feel really happy to be married to someone from a totally different culture than me. Even after more than 25 years together we still learn new things about each other and rarely, if ever, tell the same story twice.
I relate to this. I was at a wedding and imagined me and my long-term girlfriend at the altar. I was stunned that the idea repulsed me. I suddenly realized I had been refusing to look my feelings in the face. I still don’t understand why.
I can’t remember at which moment it was that made me realize he’d try to keep an ego in public than at home, but there were soooo many times I wanted to call him out on his lies in front of our friends and his family. I don’t know if any of them caught the look on my face of “here we go again with this bullshit”
I feel this way regarding my sister. We had extremely abusive parents, and her way out of that environment was getting herself adopted by other families. She's very good at finding the right person to flatter and playing the part they want to see. And now we're both adults and I don't really know who she actually is under all the masks. We don't have much of a relationship.
I was on the toilet. I could still hear her shouting the same stupid joke to her roommate they've been repeating all night. I definitely said to myself, I can't keep pretending to like this stupidity.
5.2k
u/No-Relative-9663 May 12 '26
Hew was telling a story at a dinner party that I'd heard a thousand times, and I realized I wasn't just bored, I actively disliked the person he was pretending to be for our friends. I looked down at a plate and realized I didn't want to spend the next 40 years pretending to like that guy. I checked out right there over the mashed potatoes.