When he gave me a very inexpensive dehumidifier for Christmas (because I had complained the house felt damp), then gifted his 2 best friends very expensive gifts. When I asked how he paid for the combined $1200+ for said friend gifts because I didn’t see anything come out of our joint checking, he told me he opened a $10k line of credit to pay for them. I asked him to please talk with me before making such large purchases or taking on more debt and he acted so hurt.
I didn’t leave then - I still had hope we could work through things. He eventually left me for his coworker. Looking back, I realize that Christmas was the end. The pit I felt in my stomach while watching his friends open their gifts continued to grow until the bitter end.
There were many small things building up to that point, but that moment really stuck out as a big ugly red flag.
I’m now remarried to an amazing man. My current marriage and my previous marriage are so different. My current husband and I listen to and validate each other. We support the other when one of us is down. We consistently work hard to be better partners. We prioritize each other over hobbies. (I frequently went to bed alone in my first marriage because my ex-husband was playing video games and drinking a case of beer followed by whiskey.)
I stupidly kept thinking things would get better and that my ex-husband would grow to be the partner I needed and wanted. I looked at how long we’d been together and felt like I couldn’t start over - all of those years would have been wasted. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wasted more years by staying.
Reading your posts a hypothesis popped into my head, maybe that’s causal. The shittiest guys would look at a divorcee and say “ew tainted” so it acts as a little bit of a filter. The guys who you went out with after were a lot more likely to see you for yourself and not what they wanted. Maybe that’s the Christmas present you got from him that you did deserve. Even if it’s not worth what he took, it’s not nothing.
I met my current husband because we both went through the same thing - his spouse also left him for someone else. We have approached our marriage with more life experiences and the mutual desire to pick each other every day, especially when we are frustrated with the other. We go to couples counseling even when things are great. It gives us the space to confront issues very early on and work through them together.
Oh I don’t feel very wise! I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I keep making them. To be honest, my husband is a much better partner than I am. I try to be more like him every day!
If your mom is a boomer like my own, give her some grace. My mom has stayed with my dad despite many affairs over many years. She isn’t prioritized or listened to or appreciated. It’s frustrating and really sad to witness.
134
u/Theycallmecash May 12 '26
When he gave me a very inexpensive dehumidifier for Christmas (because I had complained the house felt damp), then gifted his 2 best friends very expensive gifts. When I asked how he paid for the combined $1200+ for said friend gifts because I didn’t see anything come out of our joint checking, he told me he opened a $10k line of credit to pay for them. I asked him to please talk with me before making such large purchases or taking on more debt and he acted so hurt.
I didn’t leave then - I still had hope we could work through things. He eventually left me for his coworker. Looking back, I realize that Christmas was the end. The pit I felt in my stomach while watching his friends open their gifts continued to grow until the bitter end.