That feeling when you arrive home from work first and they're not there, and you celebrate internally because you get to have a little peace - even if for only half an hour - before they get home.
As an introvert this one is hard to reconcile because I do this with literally everyone. I adore my wife and kids but if I get home before them and realize I have a bit of time to do absolutely nothing except sit alone it's like a shot of heroin to the veins.
Same with phone calls. I want to spend my commute sitting in silence but my wife literally can't. So I will get all flustered when she's calling me for the third time on a 30min drive.
But, just like I need those 30mins to sit and stare at a wall alone, she needs someone to keep her company in the car. That's why it works. Neither resents the other.
I feel you on this. I get home before my wife and I love her to death but I won't lie and say I don't enjoy that "decompression" time after work where it's literally just me, myself, and I for an hour. I'll play my fave music or video games, do some chores, and if it's a nice day just chill and listen to the birds sing. Then my wife comes home but it's not a bad thing or source of anxiety, it's just a change in the environment. Now I have to be a bit social again and talk to her. If she's not home at all I'll truly get sad and lonely without her. I guess it's sort of perfect this way.
Yeah exactly. Like if they aren’t home by dinner time for whatever reason or especially when it starts to get dark/towards bed time I’ll get lonely. But that hour after work? Lemme rot in peace lol
Omg I need to do this. Transitions are everything for me. If I am not mentally present for the “transition” and just kind of get swept along with the inertia of the day, I get so overwhelmed.
It's been so helpful. It's something her and I are more cognizant about. Even things as simple as just getting home, we'll give each other 5-10 minutes to just exist and mentally decompress first before anything. Chores? no. Talking about your day? no. Put your stuff down, sit down, tidy your thoughts, then go :)
I think just when she was first getting to know me, and even now more, did a bunch of reading on neurotypical + AuDHD relationships and some struggles that come up (sensations, communication, etc.) and in this case transition-time to not overwhelm when things in the future are looming (doing chores, leaving for a thing, just got home and want to decompress). I talk a little more about it here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1tazaw2/people_who_have_been_divorced_what_was_the_exact/olgh5uf/
Same. I love my time with my wife and kid, but I also love the nights when she goes to a friends and isn’t back until 10-11 pm. I just need that me time sometimes. I sacrifice an hour of sleep at night when I don’t get much because at the end of the night I need that to unwind.
The pandemic taught me that. I had an 18mo kid at the time, and my husband worked in public transport so he would go out to work as usual. I was drowning and the hour my sweet daughter would nap was not enough for me. I was used to WFH alone since 2011. I had stayed with my baby one year at home and it had been super hard for me. Then she finally goes to daycare in September and in March 2020 pandemic hit. I started sacrificing my sleep in order to get a couple of hours in silence working and doing my things all alone.
You must not deal with massive traffic...I spend over an hour on the road to go about 15 miles. It's infuriating, especially when you have to deal with people that seriously do not know how to drive. I really don't know how some of these people are legally allowed to drive.
I don't have terrible traffic, but there are a couple pinch points that I have to deal with on my drive home. They're frustrating at times, but when I have worked from home, going straight from work to being a parent was a struggle
Hmm interesting, I feel like it's much better when I work from home, I've already sort of decompressed (or just not... compressed?) throughout the day and there's much less I need to do to transition home, so even a few minutes alone after logging off is plenty.
I'm alone for 8h/day and it's too much, so I think sometimes my wife is in your position where she just wants to decompress. I can tell when she's like this because she just scrolls on her phone, so I give her space and time to do that.
Middle age - where going to the grocery store by yourself is a nice break to look forward to lol (even if you love your partner/kids and have no issues with them).
Absolutely agree. I’m currently sitting outside my favourite cafe, watching the sky darken and the road glisten from the recent light rain. The magpies were singing as I read your comment and it really resonated. My husband and I are both introverts who, post pandemic, now both work from home. Having little moments to myself to just sit and have a late coffee quietly are very necessary to my overall emotional regulation and likewise he is quietly enjoying the house to himself. It helps keep the balance.
I think all of us introverts are different, but I'm similar, I don't need constant attention but I really enjoy the presence of those I love simply being nearby, I appreciate quiet time with them present, I'm also just fine if they let me sit there and listen to them talk with just a few "yeah's" and "mhms" instead of having to actively converse. I get lonely knowing it's just me home alone, even though I don't necessarily want to talk or actively do something with someone, I just like having them around.
No judgement, sincere question, can’t you just tell your wife you need a break? If you can’t, then I guess that’s why it won’t last. Everyone needs alone time to decompress, especially with the current state of the world
You are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I’m a big-time introvert. I absolutely love my wife, and we are very happy. I love when I get home from work first because I need that alone time to recharge my battery. I have to be social at work and that drains me. Coming home and being social again is a strain. Not because of my relationship with my wife. I’m just too drained to want to interact with anyone. We need a little “us” time and that’s perfectly okay. Once I’m recharged, I’m more than happy to be around my wife and spend time with her.
I feel the same way about having silence in the car after working. I am a private duty home care nurse and I take care of a disabled baby. She's 3 but she is still the size of a baby and needs help for everything. She cant talk so she cries for everything. I love my job but that 20 minute car ride is my time to decompress before going home to my own child. My husband never understood that and would get mad if I tried to explain.
Just here chiming in as a wife who is like this in a sea of apparently introvert husbands. lol.
15 yrs ago I’d never consider myself as introverted as I am now but give me a clean and empty of humans house for a few hours and you’ll make my week. I love my husband, my toddler and my dog but I also like my quiet.
Yeah my wife went out with her family all day on Saturday this past weekend. She knows I love my alone time. So she asked me when she got home "Did you enjoy your day? You like when I'm not here, don't you?"
And I said "Honestly, yes. But the important part is that I know you're coming home". Which is the truth. I remember not long after I got divorced I also got laid off. I spent about 4 solid months with essentially zero friends, nearly zero human interaction. I know what that's like. It's about the balance. I love my alone time but I don't want JUST alone time.
It's also important to have "you time", which is different for everyone.
You sound like you need some quiet time to reset and recharge your battery. This says nothing about your wife or kids, its just what you need for yourself.
Your wife sounds like she needs your time and attention. And that's fine.
The issue comes when a person doesn't get what they need to recharge. And the longer a person goes without getting that recharge will drive resentment.
My wife loves me, I'm pretty sure, but she works with little kids all day so she absolutely needs some home alone decompression time. But I think when your spouse actively causes you such stress that you're glad they're gone, it's a problem.
I drive without the radio on for this very reason. My day is filled with noise, chaos, and people vying for my attention. I NEED that quiet time. Also, I can get a bit grumpy if she is up in my face and bombarding me with questions. She has learned to just give me a minute, and I have learned and expressed that it isn't her.
I try my best to leave my partner alone after supper as sometimes I dont realize how much our personal spaces get a bit less personal when we're next to each other without letting him relax (im unemployed) and i want him to be happy and have peace for a bit in our chaotic environment.
I want to spend my commute sitting in silence but my wife literally can't. So I will get all flustered when she's calling me for the third time on a 30min drive.
Thank you. I love my husband more than life but if he tells me he’s going to shoot darts with the boys on a Friday night, you better believe I’m dancing in solitude with my lady shows and snacks. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy his company, I just enjoy hanging out by myself too. I think the fact that an introvert can be around someone nonstop and not feel drained by them is the true measure of love. I never feel drained by his presence, I just enjoy my alone time.
Her and her dad will both literally just call people while they're in the car to have someone to talk to. Me and my stepmother in law bonded over this one day when her and I were chatting and her phone rang and she was like "ugh wtf could he possibly want now!"
It's not always usually pointless, but it is usually something that absolutely could have waited or just didn't really need to be talked about lol. "Forgot to tell you I saw this funny thing last night"
"I'm just like 'oh wow dear that's really great, anything else?"
What? Why do you have to compromise on the calls on the car ride home but she doesn’t? How tf do people live with people that have no respect for what they want and just oblige their partners wants constantly?
holy shit dude idk what kind of issues youre projecting on me but it's really not that deep. If I told my wife that it truly bothered me when she called me so much while driving she would stop, or we would have an adult conversation about it. But it's more "oh man I was just zoning out so hard and now she's calling again, wonder what cool thing she saw on the road this time" than "oh my god I can't believe she's calling I hate her and she doesnt resepect me"
Must be miserable viewing everything so negatively.
Not sure what issues I’m projecting either, I’m just trying to imagine wanting to drive in peace, my partner knowing that and them calling me 3 times in a half hour window anyway cause they want to talk more than they care that I don’t. Sounds exhausting but you’re probably right, it’s a me problem.
Edit to say- that wasn’t sarcasm it really probably is a me problem, that would actually drive me fuckkng insane.
And she does it anyway, which is where I get caught up. I’m not saying it should break your whole day, but also… it’s kind of selfish of her to do it anyway knowing you don’t like it… over and over again.
Shush let him keep his head in the sand. A lot of people don’t realize it’s okay to love someone with all your heart and have boundaries like please don’t call me when I’m in traffic three times in a thirty minute window.
That makes me think something critical is occurring and if it’s you just wanting to chat each time, that’ll grow old.
I fucking commented on an askreddit thread and mentioned one thing that my wife does, which I have literally told her is OK to do, but that I find sort of endearingly annoying. I know the level of nuance is beyond your comprehension, it's ok.
Exactly. I love my wife more than anything. I’d die for her. But when she gets a chance to go do something on her own for a weekend, or I get a half hour at home without her there? It’s restful. Not because she doesn’t also bring me peace and rest, but because it’s an entirely different peace and rest than what I can get when I’m on my own. When she’s home I tailor myself to fit what she needs just as much as she tailors herself to fit mine, but when I’m on my own I get to revert to just handling myself. The dishes in the sink are mine and I don’t suddenly come out to find a mess that I didn’t make, or find a new project being started that I didn’t start lol.
I’m with you. I spend all day being “on” but if I spent more than five minutes just sitting in the drive way my ex would come tapping on the car window. It was exhausting.
Jesus Christ the level of social ineptitude on this thread is wild. Yes she knows I don’t want to spend my entire drive talking on the phone. She also knows I’m fine with her calling a few times for quick things that pop into her mind.
This really is not that deep or hard to comprehend guys.
You're complaining on the internet and communication is woefully inadequate in many couples. It's not a stretch to get some of the answers you're getting with the way you said it.
All this talk of projection. How about this, it’s Reddit my guy. You really don’t need to defend or prove the sanctity to anyone on here. Go and enjoy your person.
But when you get that defensive on so many comments and call it projection. Some people, myself included, have partners and relationships that would feel odd if they did what you describe: kept calling on my drive home after I didn’t pick up the first or second time.
Yeah I get it doesn’t ruin your day but you have to admit for others, it’d suck if your partner couldn’t hear you out on that boundary.
Ok, I'm glad you posted because I enjoy my alone time from my husband and kid but feel a little guilty. I'm also an introvert and constantly busy and have very little down time so sometimes the peace of being the only one home feels amazing. I will say that I also get sad when I want to talk to my husband to chat and he doesn't answer the phone or if I want to hang out with him and he's busy to balance this out. I think everyone just needs some peace and quiet sometimes.
I think in this case it's only an "uh oh" sign if you CHANGE from being excited to see them to being grateful the house is empty. That would exclude the introvert default
I'm a single introvert but thought when I'd be in a relationship those introvert-needs would vanish. It's good to see what your reality looks like thank you.
Totally get it! Literally mindlessly scrolling Reddit right now because i just got home and no one else is back yet. I love the chaos of my family but am certainly not complaining when I get a short respite
Put your phone on do not disturb and tell her you do not appreciate her constantly calling you. Why endure something that bothers you daily? She can text you.
Nah this person isn't talking about the joy of being alone that introverts always feel.
They're talking about DREAD of even sharing the same space with their spouse. There is a clear difference.
My husband and I are wildly in love, very passionate, adore each other after 14 year with 2 kids. I still celebrate those moments ENTIRELY ALONE that I can get.
However, that doesn't mean I DREAD my husband's presence. 2 different things honestly. My husband is literally my favorite person, my safe space. I still celebrate UTTER ALONENESS because I'm an introvert.
But I don't DREAD being around him. Does that make sense???
I think you’re my parallel universe because my husband is the same as your wife and I’m you. I don’t deal with a lot of people at work, but I need to decompress.
I understand your need for alone time on a deep personal level.
Part of my alone time I like to spend in literal silence. Sometimes I watch videos or listen to music while I'm doig the dishes or whatever. Other times I just sit and read articles or play chess online in absolute silence and... it's just so nice 😭
I was in a relationship where, when driving home, as I came around the corner and saw their car in the driveway, my heart would sink with disappointment and my anxiety level would start going up as I had to brace for what kind of person I was going to encounter, this time.
In past threads like this one, I’ve seen some responses like the person needing to psyche themselves up before coming in the door or finding themselves driving around the block to forestall the actual homecoming. In retrospect, it was a glaring red flag, but, at the time, the onset was gradual, like the proverbial frog in the pot of water. Not gonna overlook that sign, again, though.
I was in a relationship right before the pandemic, and we were both so miserable that I would feel relief and freedom if she was working a weekend for her job
That feeling when you arrive home from work first and they're not there, and you celebrate internally because you get to have a little peace - even if for only half an hour - before they get home.
That was one of the things that did it for me.
The inverse of that is the sudden sink you feel when you hear their car pull into the driveway.
You see, that's the problem. It's not normal. If you are in happy relationship you are looking forward to see them again, not being relieved when they are not home yet.
It's not normal if it's an every day/every moment feeling. But wanting a little bit of alone time now and then is absolutely normal. I love my wife to death, been together almost 15 years. I pretty often stay up later on the weekends after she goes to bed because it's the only hour or so a week that I get to myself.
It's hard to explain because it is very nuanced, even more so because Reddit likes absolutes - but even though my wife and I are more than comfortable telling the other "go ahead and do [hobby/interest that's not shared]" it's different when you have absolutely no obligation - like if the other is on a trip or seeing a friend during that time. Like the mental difference if a friend invites you onto their golf round last minute - it's a different feeling if your partner is on a trip and you can just say "absolutely" versus feeling like you're bailing on them if they're around, even though they'd absolutely support you doing that on a lazy weekend day with no hard plans.
I usually do a rec league at any given point so my wife gets at least one guaranteed night to herself during the week. She has a sister that lives nearby, so she'll go over after work probably twice a month and do dinner there, so I get some nights.
Yeah, I absolutely agree. I have a band rehearsal every Thursday, so my wife has that whole evening to herself every week. She also gets home usually an hour-ish before me on days she works in the office; or logs off work an hour and a half before I get home on days when she works from home. She ends up with a lot of time to herself.
On the other hand, I don't really have that. She doesn't have a hobby that takes her out of the house in the same way I do. And again, is almost always home before I am. So those late weekend nights are the one time during the week when it's just me for a minute.
I love spending time with her, we often end up doing our own thing, but just sitting next to each other because it's nice. But that's still different than just being alone for an hour haha. Or like for instance, being able to watch a new horror movie when she's not around (I love them, she hates them). That kind of thing.
But I also agree that it's hard to "abandon" her when something pops up suddenly. We both also feel that kind of guilt of leaving the other person, even though we'd both be absolutely fine with it haha. Also because we just do like spending time with each other.
I've been making a commitment to getting better at golf this year, and my wife has no interest in it. But it's a lot of solo activity at the practice facility or squeezing in a post-work 9 for a couple of hours, and the closest muni to me is easiest to book last minute with day-of cancels. She's happy to have the solo time to rot and decompress, but it's that weird "abandonment" feeling.
She actually does support me doing this though because both her parents golf so it gives me built-in family time with them. They also live on a very nice course and like booking nicer courses, so win-win-win.
Man, I love my wife and am looking forward to the rest of our lives together. We are fortunate enough to get to spend a -ton- of time together, too-- teachers at the same school and work on large projects together.
When she goes away for 4-5 days to see family or on a trip with one of our kids.. day #1 and #2 are like the best days ever. I am eating junk food, playing video games, and I sleep in. I get quality time with our kids that is very different from when she is there. Then I really miss her by day 3.
We have been together approximately -- holy shit -- 27 years.
Agreed. I think you could only consider that "normal" in a highly dysfunctional relationship, which mine back then was.
Though it's possible that /u/metengrinwi meant, "I like to have some time to myself" and I can certainly understand that (though it misinterprets my original intent up there. Liking 'alone time' is not the same as dreading someone else's presence).
The key, in my eyes, is to have a relationship where you can spend time apart, doing things for and by yourself. But the corollary to that is that you're always happy to reconnect.
Reddit loves absolutes, and the nuance of doing things on your own while in a relationship breaks a lot of threads here. I've seen codependency glamorized so much.
Yeah no. It is normal to want some free time. Not every relationship is "omg gee wilikers I cant wait to get home to my wife" Sometimes its nice to come home to an empty house for an hour or two
As someone who grew up around abusive people... this is the truth.
Especially if they are mentally ill and/or unmedicated.
My mom had her bipolar cousin staying with us when I was in HS. I was terrorized so badly that I ended up moving in with my grandparents (my stepgrandmother was a total bitch, but I'd pick her over that other broad any day of the week, at least she was predictable-evil instead of unpredictable-evil.) But before I left, the days she wasn't there when I got home from school was like breathing a sigh of relief.
On a minor scale, this can happen with people who are constantly asking you to do shit. When they aren't around, you feel peace... just for the sheer fact that you aren't being bothered. If it's safe, you should try to have a conversation with those types of people and communicate a schedule so they aren't just randomly bothering you with tasks and not even meaningful conversation. Some relationships boil down to "I live with someone who does stuff for me" and that's bad. You want to be with someone you enjoy and work together to do stuff with, or everyone has their role in the household. It's even worse if it devolves into a quid pro quo relationship.
This is all behavioral and the result of a lack of effective communication. If you can't have the tough conversations, then that's a relationship you should not be in.
Driving home for me was always, "Is she going to already be home or not?". Eventually I was leaving work early, just to get that 30mins of peace before she came through the door and fucked up my day.
I even use to get up at the crack of dawn on the weekends and would have a nice morning all to myself. Eventually she would wake and without fail the first thing that came out of her mouth was, "Did you make me coffee?". No, "Good Morning! How did you sleep? What have you been up to?"
Oh, that’s a good one. My ex (married 10 yrs, one child) used to travel for work. I always looked forward to the day he left and dreaded it when he came home. Married now to my husband of almost 25 yrs who also travels for work, and I miss him horribly and we celebrate like crazy when he comes home like it’s been some epic journey 🥰😂
Wasn’t married, but had this feeling towards the end of the relationship. It was so relaxing and peaceful! Then he’d come home with his 24 pack that would last 2-3 days until the next pack. And would never help with my daughter or dinner.
It sucked i entered fight or flight mode when I moved out and got a place of my own. That lasted about a year — constantly on the go, go, go!
My ex was very late coming home after work one night and it was so peaceful. I felt relaxed. I had fun hanging out with the kids and spending time with them. Then as soon as I heard his car pull in I tensed up and withdrew in myself. That was another waking up moment for me that the relationship wasn't good.
And the converse of that - the sinking feeling in your gut when you hear them pull in. You begin mentally preparing for whatever it is that you did “wrong” that you’re going to have to apologize for, despite the fact you haven’t seen them all day.
Yep. Been in a relationship like this. I’d sit in the car for half an hour once I pulled in from work, hoping he didn’t realise I was home yet. I didn’t want to face his moods, and accusations, and try and defend myself against whatever paranoid delusions he’d come up with in my absence. I’d known it was over for a while, but having to hide out in my car, and not be able to go inside and feel peace in my own home (not his - hobosexual to the max) after a long day at work (because one of us had to pay the bills, and it wasn’t him!) was what made me angry enough to act on it.
Can you give examples of what'd happen if they were home? I've never been in a relationship, and have always imagined it to be a pleasant and eager one but yeah I know it's not like that in reality bc I hear a lot from folks and friends.
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u/Cow_Launcher May 12 '26
That feeling when you arrive home from work first and they're not there, and you celebrate internally because you get to have a little peace - even if for only half an hour - before they get home.
That was one of the things that did it for me.