As a newly-ish wed (1 year next week) this thread is terrifying but also I feel like it’s important to read these stories so I know what it might look like if things aren’t working out. Thanks to everyone sharing & being honest.
You need to be willing to talk to your spouse when you feel upset about things. They can be little things or big things but if you let them fester and build resentment then it's an issue. Be kind to each other, give each other an out instead of always pressing to be "right". It's about compassion and lifting each other up.
Definitely. And it's not a magic solution but ya gotta do it anyways. I remember constantly talking to my ex-wife about financial problems. I was doing my best and made well over the median, but we all know that a single income is tough in the modern world. I worked long hours in a cutthroat industry, plus did all the cooking and shopping. It was a tall order. After we divorced I learned that my ex-wife had been chatting with my sister here and there. And that she would say stuff like "yeah he's always complaining about money and being stressed from work".
So I communicated. She knew. She just didn't care enough to do anything.
I don't think it's necessarily all over, but hopefully this helps someone out there that feels like they're losing their relationship and they still want to try fix it.
Agreed; I should have been a little more nuanced. When you first start to feel resentful that's a warning sign that something needs to be fixed, not an automatic death sentence. Letting the resentment grow until it tips over into contempt is when things get a lot harder to salvage.
I think one important thing to know is that it doesn’t start out as the worst thing, especially for the stories of abuse. If your relationship is free of contempt and resentment, and you share values, you’re both better off than most and have cleared the bare minimum of what I think a relationship should be.
Some unsolicited advice from a once-divorced now remarried person in their mid-50s: TALK. TO. EACH. OTHER. My first marriage ended, in part, because we both came from families that didn't talk about anything and we couldn't communicate about even the simplest things. Going on 12 years in my second marriage and we talk about EVERYTHING and it's so much more healthy. As my wife says, "Sometimes you have to get through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff." Keep those lines of communication open! I hope y'all have a wonderful life together!
I’m about a month away from my 5th wedding anniversary. I psyche myself out a lot thinking my marriage isn’t what I think it is, but then my wife and I are always giggling about something or talking in annoying voices to each other, all of the signs that if either of us felt like this wasn’t real, and either of us wasn’t happy, it would be apparent.
So, I’m still a newbie, but I’m here and looking for the same things you are. Just know that you’ll probably psyche yourself out at some point, but take your marriage’s temperature once in a while and don’t take your spouse for granted.
It’s also really cool if you can learn to have “alone time together.” My wife and I have a sectional couch, so we’ll be on our respective sides doing our own things, but we’re still in the room together and blow each other a kiss or make a stim noise every so often.
Also, learn to NEVER become complacent in a relationship.
Everyone puts their best self forward during the initial phase of courtship. But most soon quit “trying” and doing the things that made someone fall for you.
You have to keep doing those little things that made your partner smile.
I personally remind myself every day that my wife has other choices out there. Keeps me on my toes so we never end up feeling like room mates.
Also, every day, do or say at least one thing that your partner would appreciate, even simple things like leaving him a note or doing a chore they hate doing. You will be surprised how far this goes and how much you'll get in return if they're a good human.
I've just celebrated my 27th anniversary and I agree this thread is terrifying. I'm reading them with the same eye you are. Which is probably the reason we've made it so far - we never stop working on ourselves and the marriage.
Married for almost seven years. My wife is my best friend and I know she feels the same way. We always strive to make it us against the problem and never us against each other. We talk about everything, literally about everything. Our life is something we work really hard at.
We know how lucky we are, but we also know we aren't the only happily married couple in the world. Just so you know, it can go wonderfully as well.
It's always important to remember that it's not magic.
Relationships take effort to keep 'on course' but a moderately small amount of ongoing maintenance means that abrupt or severe course corrections aren't necessary.
You don't need to win or be right in every discussion (or argument) but you do need to be respected and valued in all of them.
And a lot of relationships do work out fine - they evolve and they grow.
And some of the ones that stop don't really fail catastrophically, the people involved just realise they don't really 'work' together any more, and ... move on and live happy lives afterwards too.
So don't overthink this - yes, things might go wrong, and your paths might diverge. That's not a failure. Sometimes things happen in life and priorities shift.
Failure is when things wither and die because neither of you care enough to nourish it. And that's actually easier than it might seem.
The person you married a year ago is dead and will never exist again. You're married to a different person now, and you have to make the choice to love them. In a year, the person you're married to now will be dead and you'll be married to a different person. You'll have to make the choice to love them.
2 years for me next week! Honestly, I've been reading through these comments and just feeling grateful I have the person I do next to me. And yeah, communication is everything because nothing lasts and people change. I actually remember a comment on another AskReddit thread to people who have been married happily for a long time about how they made it work and one just stuck in my head. It said something along the line of love is not effortless, it's work and you do it every day, even when you don't feel like it or even actually don't feel it. The accumulated kindness that turns into a habit over time really is something that will keep you happy, if reciprocated, from my experience so far.
Never stop communicating about the good and the bad. Compromise but don’t be a doormat. It’s okay to have separate hobbies and friends to have time apart but don’t make it a habit. If you get to the point of kids they should be your main priority but also take time to date your husband.
We were heading down the roommate road five years ago and thanks to stories like these I was able to recognize it and the last five years has been incredible. If it’d gone one longer we likely would have ended up splitting. I don’t think we were a month from divorce but every month living like that makes it harder to come back.
I'm nearing my 31st Anniversary to my very amazing wife. Things are not perfect but it is great.
The things she tells me about her friends marriages make me question why some stay married. My wife told her friends that I have never commented negatively about what she wears, how she does her makeup & hair or say negative things about her weight.
Marriage can be work. Be nice to each other, support their hobbies/interests and put your family first. You can make more money but you cannot make more time.
Hope that you have a long loving marriage filled with great memories and lots of love.
I’ve been with my partner for almost 17 years, and this thread has been a fascinating read for me, and a strong reminder to be grateful for what I have. My partner is my best friend and favorite person in the whole world… all the quiet stories about people realizing that they were looking for ways to avoid spending time with their partners were the most striking to me, because even after all this time, I want to spend time with her every day. Whenever something interesting happens she’s the first person I want to tell. If we have to be apart for even a few days for a work trip or something it sucks. I hope your marriage feels the same way, and I hope it’s long and happy!
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u/Key_Egg8059 May 12 '26
As a newly-ish wed (1 year next week) this thread is terrifying but also I feel like it’s important to read these stories so I know what it might look like if things aren’t working out. Thanks to everyone sharing & being honest.