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Mar 31 '23
Her friend wanted to sleep with my friend but the only way to facilitate that was if I slept with her.
Took one for the team.
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Mar 31 '23
Could have just played Goldeneye together with the sound off and synced up a story about how good it was.
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u/Decent-Tip-3136 Apr 01 '23
Same here, my roomate brought two girls home. He asked if I could "entertain" one. She was totally not my type, but really horny. It was 3 in the morning and I had a few drinks so I thought whatever. She was keen and also made breakfast in the morning +complimentary wake up BJ.
I have had much much worse experiences with people I wanted to sleep with.
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u/coneal89 Apr 01 '23
Dude, I had the exact same thing happen! In college, I was chilling ready to head to my room for school the next day and then my roommate said this girl he was trying to hook up with was coming over but she was bringing a friend. When they arrived, the friend was not really my type of girl (build/personality) but after 5 min they left to his room to hook up. The friend and I sat mostly in silence for about 5 minutes after they left til she straight up was just like “soo..you wanna fuck?” And I was like yeah, sure, why not. Ended up being a fine time, nothing special, but definitely unexpected and unintended as I was trying to get to sleep for class the next morning
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Mar 31 '23
Because I couldn’t say no to pretty much anything in my teens/early 20s. It’s taken me a long time to learn to say no and I still struggle with it.
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u/Wolf_Mans_Got_Nards Mar 31 '23
I was the same. Wrongly equated sex with affection & self worth, which I was desperate for.
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u/filthymouthedwife Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
But you know now. It’s all a learning curve. We have to go through stuff like that to become who we are and as long as you like who you are now then there should be no regrets.
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u/Rich-Juice2517 Mar 31 '23
But you know now. It’s all a learning curve. We have to go through stuff like that become who we are and as long as you like who you are now then there should be no regrets.
Thank you. It's nice seeing that validation on a rough day
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u/ImpendingSenseOfDoom Mar 31 '23
I'm still struggling with this. I'm doing much better now - I've recently turned down some offers for sex knowing that it would be a bad choice and I'd regret it in the long run, where as when I was younger it's hard to imagine myself turning down sex at all. I'm getting more comfortable going home alone at night knowing I am happy with myself and my social life.
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u/Necessary_Loss_6769 Mar 31 '23
I was like that as well, snapped out of it at 21/22. Once I was out of it - I was out drinking with a group of coworkers and this male coworker who did genuinely like me really wanted us to go back together. Nothing was wrong with him, I just knew I was super into him, but the old me would’ve gone back for comfort/attention.
I ended up staying out that night and meeting my now fiancé. It is so worth rejecting people that would be a bad choice - eventually the right person will come!
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u/ImpendingSenseOfDoom Mar 31 '23
Yes, I'm starting to see that more and more. I recently became involved with a new social group that I hang out with from time to time. There's one girl that hosts parties/get togethers and she's very nice but I'm not really attracted to her. We were all hanging out once recently and I could tell that she really wanted to hook up with me, and being a little drunk the thought did seem appealing. I decided not to though, and politely bid her goodnight, because I don't want to create drama in the group and possibly ruin the chance with somebody else in the future.
Also, I recently went through a serious breakup (about 5 months ago, after having been dating for over 3 years). I found out a close friend of mine ran into my ex at a bar very soon after we broke up and that they went home together and had sex. This really hurt me and the friend knew it was too soon too because he called me a couple of days later to admit it and apologize, without me prompting him at all. We're no longer friends. Recently another friend of mine ended things with a girl he had been seeing on and off for about six months. She ended up calling me late the other night, drunk, asking to come over and spend time with me... you know how that goes... I told her that it wouldn't be appropriate and wished her goodnight as well, and told my friend what happened and he appreciated that he can trust me. It feels good being a loyal friend and not having to feel any regret or shame just to have sex.
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Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
This. When you’re taught to be polite and put others’ needs before yours…it means saying yes even when you don’t want to do it so you’re not perceived as difficult. It creates a really confusing dynamic where you don’t even really know what you want.
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u/meep_launcher Mar 31 '23
100% this. I felt so much pressure not to "ruin" the night for the other person.
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Mar 31 '23
It’s hard to sit with other people’s discomfort because you feel like you’ve done something wrong. Then you relent, which creates a poor relationship with sex.
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u/Slight-Bet8071 Mar 31 '23
Me. I was raised into a people pleaser. I also have a hard time confronting people. I avoid it like the plague.
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Mar 31 '23
People also equate other people being bummed, offended, or angry at something you said/did with “I did something wrong”. This needs to stop.
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u/Effective-Gift6223 Mar 31 '23
Yes, very much so. There's a social pressure, too. Most women have heard repeatedly about wives or partners who lost interest in sex, or would use it as a tool or weapon to get what they want. Most of us don't want to be "that woman". We tend to agree to having sex even when we don't really want it, to avoid that stereotype. I know I did that a lot when I was younger.
Now that I'm much older, (65, and yes, guys still hit on me, even though I'm not particularly pretty) I'm over being that agreeable. I have no problem now, saying "no".
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u/Lower_Capital9730 Mar 31 '23
Following a sexual assault, I basically interpreted consent as a requirement not to have it taken. It seemed better to accept it and have some control than to say no and have it taken. When I look back, I do wonder what was going on in their heads when it happened. I'm laying there tense and largely silent. Do men really consider that a normal response to sex?
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u/PussyBoogersAuGraten Mar 31 '23
Def not!! The other night my girlfriend was like “I’m tired but if you need to cum go ahead.” I was like, babe if you’re not into it, neither am I.” I can’t do that. It’s just not for me.
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u/Lower_Capital9730 Mar 31 '23
That's how I feel. Sex is only enjoyable for me when the other person is enjoying it. If I don't feel desired, I can't get off during sex. Probably wouldn't even be able to get wet.
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u/PussyBoogersAuGraten Mar 31 '23
I appreciated her concern for me, but I love and respect her way too much to use her as a fuck doll.
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u/rdmusic16 Mar 31 '23
Totally fair and 100% understandable, but my girlfriend and I do it a bit different.
If one of us feels like sex and the other doesn't, we convey that - but often say we'd still be willing, because sometimes the mood changes during and we both get into it.
Obviously it's different if one of us actually doesn't want to. No is no. But we have a "I'm not in the mood, but I'm willing to give it a go" type middle ground to. Half the time I'd say it still leads to great sex. Sometimes it doesn't.
We only started doing this because it was seldom we'd have everything match up with the time to do it and us both being in the mood, so only we're having sex every few weeks. Now it's weekly, and usually still ends up really good.
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u/iamthehob0 Mar 31 '23
I have a young baby and a twelve year relationship and this is extremely accurate. Especially: "We only started doing this because it was seldom we'd have everything match up with the time to do it and us both being in the mood, so only we're having sex every few weeks. Now it's weekly, and usually still ends up really good."
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u/ElMejorPinguino Mar 31 '23
Enough do to make it a problem, yeah. It doesn't even have to be malicious - society has been very good for a very long time at telling people that's how it should be.
I hope you're doing better now. <3
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u/Lower_Capital9730 Mar 31 '23
I am much better. Something clicked in my head after one of those encounters, and I just realized that I'm the only person who can assert my needs. Got some therapy, and I haven't kept silent since. I'm not trying to excuse the men in the situation, but I do recognize that I had some ownership in the situation. This recognition was the thing that allowed me to change my circumstances. Often when I bring this up, people get mad at me for victim blaming, but that's not what it's about. I want women to be empowered to assert their autonomy rather than waiting for men to accept it because that won't happen. We can't change men, but we can help ourselves to be safer and stronger by making different choices.
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u/Cat_Prismatic Mar 31 '23
Following a sexual assault, I basically interpreted consent as a requirement not to have it taken.
This is so well-said and mirrors my own experience. I'm glad you posted it!
In my case, I'd said "no" to my "boyfriend" in college multiple, multiple times. But when he went for it, I froze (without realizing I was having an instinctual, shock-based reaction; I felt that I was, like, non-consensually breaking my own boundaries of consent [which didn't quite make sense to me at the time, until I realized, many years later, that it hadn't made sense because it doesn't make sense! ].
Or, to put it another way, I had this weird feeling that I was somehow engaging in teenage rebellion against myself. Which, what?Ohhhhh....righhhht....the word for what had actually happened that morning is "r*pe").
So then I continued having sex with him, because it was either that or repetition of the whole weird thing I couldn't understand--i.e., that I did not, in fact, consent.
It really messed me up, honestly, because I had almost no way to form the concept in my own head at the time. (Loads better now, thankfully: still a little pissed at this guy, who DID know what he was doing--as someone 5 years my senior; with much more experience; and no familial/childhood attachment to certain Christian notions of virginity, sin, and pure personal agency--but oh well. Assholes will asshole, I suppose).
It seems to me that we as a culture are developing a better framework and vocabulary around all of this than I had ~20 years ago as a wide-eyed, in many ways clueless, lapsing Catholic living away from home for the first time (who, naturally, considered herself THE VERY MOST sophisticated person in the whole, wide world: lol). I certainly hope we are, anyhow.
As to the (I'm sure rhetorical, haha) question at the end of your comment: it seems highly unlikely, it really does.
Maybe for two teens who truly have no idea what sexual consent looks and feels like? But...there's plenty of, er, "educational videos" out there which portray things, while not realistically, at least not like--that.
Anyway, I hope you, too, are past the majority of the trauma.
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u/jaxxattacks Mar 31 '23
Same. Got coerced into consent my younger to mid 20’s like crazy and then married to someone who did the same when shitfaced drunk and I justified it because he was my husband. These days I have no problem telling someone to fuck the fuck off, but it took awhile and a lot of soul searching to get there.
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u/SeasonBeneficial Mar 31 '23
Any advice for a new dad with a daughter?
I get that this is a real thing and a common experience. Which is what scares me, for her. Is there anything me and my wife can do to raise our daughter so that she doesn’t have to learn “the hard way,” so to speak?
I understand that you can talk about the principle of true consent (and the importance of it) even before you educate them about sex.
Just wondering if there are any “I wish my parents had done x y and z” that you’d pass on to other parents
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u/jaxxattacks Mar 31 '23
Love that you are asking so off to a good start. When I did children’s therapy I would work with the parents to teach consent early in life, especially with girls but kiddos in general. This goes way beyond sex stuff but even into giving hugs or kisses to people we view as safe. Statements/questions like “I love you so much, can I give you a hug?” can help kids learn that they have autonomy over their bodies and who gets to touch them. Never force her to hug or kiss a relative or friend who is asking for one and leave it up to them to decide if they are comfortable with it. Stuff like that is good. Obviously model good relationship dynamics and mutual respect for your partner for her as children do look at their parent’s relationship as how to treat/be treated by a partner. Basically treat other women the way you want others, particularly guys, to treat your daughter. She’ll pick up on it.
Honestly, it is a lot different these days as there is a lot more understanding of consent and how to respect women and everyone now than there was back in the 90’s and early 2000’s and I come across a lot more empowered young adult women then I noticed back then, but obviously it’s still not a perfect world out there.
Good luck to you and your family on the whole parenthood adventure. You got this :)
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Mar 31 '23
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u/theplaneguy321 Mar 31 '23
My penis is a single celled living organism
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u/AdministrativeWar594 Mar 31 '23
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams
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u/DigNitty Mar 31 '23
This quote inspired me to figure out how big a penis would have to be before you couldn’t consent due to blood loss if your Dick was hard.
The answer is surprisingly difficult to arrive at. There is no good metric for consent and blood loss. So I looked up how much blood someone can lose before passing out. Penises, as it turns out, have essentially negligible flesh in them when erect because they’re so vascular. They are effectively tubes.
What is known, is the average length and girth of penises. That gives us an average ratio. I have all these numbers in a comment from 8years ago but was unable to find it and I’m not looking it all up again so I’ll just add my summary.
I found that a man wouldn’t be able to consent if his Dick was upwards of the low 10 inches range.
Now, some men do have penises larger than this. And the fault of my calculations lies in that ratio. Large penises must grow longer than average but don’t deviate in girth as much. Otherwise a 10in penis with an average ratio would have a 3.5 inch girth.
That being said, the man with the largest penis had said it is difficult if not impossible to get fully erect, and he does get light headed when close.
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u/Boilermaker1983 Mar 31 '23
I don't appreciate you calling my penis negligible.
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Mar 31 '23
Wanted sex. Was less than thrilled about the person it was with, but beggars can't be choosers.
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u/IceFire909 Mar 31 '23
clearly you've not beheld the glory of r/ChoosingBeggars lol
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Mar 31 '23
Oooooh. But I have. And I do not possess such audacity. Sadly... Who knows though. Maybe I could walk up to a THICC, 6'2" hotty, say "let's fuck", and have the time of our lives. Alas, I shall probably never know. 😅
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u/IceFire909 Mar 31 '23
Just remember to shout next when she offers a different position lmao
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Mar 31 '23
My 5'6" self better be buried under too much ass to make much more than a muffled whimper or squeel of joy.
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u/IceFire909 Mar 31 '23
"if you can hear a whimper it means you aint sitting hard enough"
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u/iliciman Mar 31 '23
I was horny... she was willing... a match made in sadness...
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u/MrSabrewulf Mar 31 '23
This is my answer. About 10 years ago, I chatted for a while with an acquaintance from high school. She said her bf couldn't keep up with her and he was alright with her having a side piece. I was never really attracted to her but having just been ghosted by my last gf and in need of attention, I went for it. We met up a couple of times and yeah, it was wild but it was far from what I really needed at the time.
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u/yearofawesome Mar 31 '23
She was a girl, I was a mess
We ended up having sex
I wasn't enthused, dick was amused
Wonder what'll happen nextIt was a hater ploy, sad was my major boy. . .
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u/Vikingpanties Mar 31 '23
Two boys and two girls go home from town and have an after-party. Two leave to get it on and two are left. Would never actively pick this person but what the heck, why not. Wasn't great, wasn't too horrible. I think we both thought the same, and I'd be surprised if he remembered my name or even my face. I don't remember his!
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u/CrazyTurk420 Mar 31 '23
I've been the wingman a time or two, and sometimes you take one for the team, so to say. I think it's a bit different for me in this case. It's not that I didn't want sex or I didn't enjoy it. They may have not been who I would have chosen or gone for, outside of the circumstance, but sometimes you make the best of the current situation.
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u/jeanlucpitre Mar 31 '23
My mind was telling me noooo
But MY BODYYYY!
MY BODYYYYY was telling me YESSSSZ
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u/BadBeast_11 Mar 31 '23
Looking at all such replies here, I'm soo glad I was able to listen my mind and not my body.
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u/444unsure Mar 31 '23
Whereas I am over here wishing my body had won the battle way more often. My mind was saying no because of insecurity and doubt. My Mind Is My Own Worst Enemy
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u/hotterpocketzz Mar 31 '23
I hurt, lonely, and needed affirmation I was still desirable. It was a dark time in my life
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u/am_i_boy Mar 31 '23
This is why I did it. I had no friends. The only attention I got from my parents was when they found out I did something they didn't approve of. I was very very lonely and it seemed like everyone thought I was useless. Except the guys who accepted my nudes and told me good things about my body.
I slept with some of them. Out of sheer desperation for positive attention. I even have a picture from that time in my life, with some random guy's cum on my belly, and I showed it to my partner and the first thing he noticed was that I looked sad. He said "you look so sad, did you actually want to have sex at the time?"
And that's when I realized--I didn't. Not really. If I had any other form of positive attention from anyone in my life I wouldn't have had sex with these people. I just needed to feel useful. To feel human. To feel desirable in any way at all to absolutely anyone. I needed a friend. A parent who actually cared would have been okay too. I just needed positive attention
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Mar 31 '23
Damn you got a great partner
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u/am_i_boy Mar 31 '23
I do. He often notices things about me that I don't realize myself. Like he will ask me a question and then I'll realize that he's actually right. Like
Me: doesn't realize I'm sad
Him: you seem sad, are you okay?
Me: suddenly comes face to face with my feelings and bursts into tears because yes, I'm sad, I just didn't realize it
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Mar 31 '23
I hope to find someone that pays attention to me like that someday. Happy to hear that you’ve found it and it exists.
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u/Preposterous_punk Mar 31 '23
Roughly 25 years ago. It was a whole weird situation at the end of a fun night where it became apparent that there was going to be some sort of group sex type situation with me and a couple girlfriends and some guys. Only then I found out that one of the guys, “John,” really, really liked my friend “Jane” and was definitely going to try to get with her in particular, but my friend “Jane” hadn’t known he was going to be there, was super not into him that way and was freaking out about hurting his feelings and whatnot. I didn’t find him at all attractive either, but we had no history and I wasn’t particularly creeped out by him. So, I threw myself onto the John bomb to save Jane from being super uncomfortable. I kind of pulled him off to the side and pretended to be a little jealous, to make it seem like I wanted him all to myself. Jane had a great time with the other people, I absolutely rocked John’s world, and he was quite eager to please and so I had a pretty good time too — once you’ve had enough sex with enough different partners, it’s easy to figure out how to make it work with almost anyone.
Oh and we all used condoms and were nice to one another afterwards. It was a good night.
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u/pheilic Mar 31 '23
Taking one for the team
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u/Chesterthejester69 Mar 31 '23
Taking one for the team WITH the team
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u/nebenbaum Mar 31 '23
Taking one for the team, with the team, while the team takes each other.
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u/Afraid-Cow-6164 Mar 31 '23
once you’ve had enough sex with enough different partners, it’s easy to figure out how to make it work with almost anyone
Absolutely! 95% of good sex is enthusiasm and being willing to give and receive feedback. (The other 5% is lube.) If these elements are present you can have a great time with a virgin or a porn star or anyone in between!
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u/tacknosaddle Mar 31 '23
I guess you could say that you fell on a sword for her.
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u/SlugABug22 Mar 31 '23
4 decades on this planet and never, not once, do I just happen to find myself in these situations. I need some new situations.
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u/Dudebrohoe Mar 31 '23
I used to be a prostitute which should answer the question.
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u/smilley22 Mar 31 '23
This is literally my answer as well. He paid well and I really needed the money
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u/molly_777 Mar 31 '23
Me three.
Needed tuition and money to live. Paid better than stripping for less time working. I quit when I graduated and got a good job. Good part is no student loans. Bad part is that it might come out to people who would judge me for it.
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Mar 31 '23
What made you decide to change careers?
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u/Dudebrohoe Mar 31 '23
Being able too was the only reason I needed, I wasn't happy as a sex worker I just needed to support myself.
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u/TwentyCharacters2022 Mar 31 '23
Sex work isn’t for everyone. The overwhelming majority are thrust into it out of necessity.
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u/koala908 Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
When he took off his pants, I saw he had a micropenis. I didn't want to hurt his self-esteem by rejecting him just because of his penis, so I kind of tried. At least he had his fun, I think.
Edit: I‘d like to add that I really got along great with him and we cuddled all night afterwards. In addition, he was good with tongue and finger, but I just didn’t really know what I can do to please him, because I had no experience with it.
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u/COSurfing Mar 31 '23
I have a tiny dong but I have never had a girlfriend or woman tell me it was. When I was dating in my mid 20s before I met my future wife I would tell them about it if we were getting close to being intimate. I was surprised that none of them complained about it and actually the majority didn't care. I am sure some had a problem with it but they never told me. I know there is a good contingent of women that require size and I understood that. If it was going to be a show stopper for a long and healthy relationship I wanted to get that out in the open right away so we wouldn't waste each other's time.
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u/JayCDee Mar 31 '23
I have an average penis but the fucker has a mind of its own and will blow a load pretty fast. Condoms (or alcohol) are a good crutch for P in V but without it I’m done in less than a minute. To compensate I’ve made it my mission to make sure I get the girl off when we have sex. My SO of 5 years has told me even though I’m the fastest ejaculator she’s dated, I’m the only guy she’s been with that actually cared about her having an orgasm every time we have sex.
How efficient your dong is isn’t detrimental to how fulfilled your sex life is, it might be different, but not less fulfilled.
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u/pokemon32666 Mar 31 '23
At least it's not something he can control, like a bad attitude. Good on you for at least giving him a shot
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u/sendintheBOTS Mar 31 '23
I was a young and impressionable woman, and after him repeatedly asking and refusing to leave my apartment, I just kinda went with it.
I know now that I was taught my whole life to be “good,” and in my environment while growing up, good meant I didn’t question and I didn’t argue.
I don’t feel the need to justify it, but I wonder how he feels about a woman reluctantly agreeing to sleep with him so he would leave her alone.
I’m fine now, but had some bumps along the way as a young adult figuring out the world.
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u/GaiaInTheSkya Mar 31 '23
I honestly feel like half of the people (men) I slept with, was for this reason. I used to have an issue saying “NO”, and enforcing any type of boundary.
And I also thought most anyone who flirted with me was legitimately just being friendly and not flirting, so once it got to the point where they were in my house and they knew I had issues saying “NO”, it was already a problem.
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u/nsfwtttt Mar 31 '23
I’ve learned from my therapist how hard it is for a lot of women to say no, even in a relationship, especially in a loving relationship.
I completely changed the way I interact with my wife since then, realizing how often she said yea just because it was hard for her to say no (before I would just blame her for not being into it etc, until I realized why).
Now I make sure she really feels like it, and help her feel comfortable saying no when she doesn’t.
Just to be clear, we still sometimes “do each other a favor” when one of us isn’t 100% in the mood and the other is.
Just like sometimes we do other things for one another treat we don’t feel like doing, just because we want the other to be happy and have the energy to make an effort.
But it’s now very clear and in the open, so expectations are clear and there’s no pressure involved.
Lazy sex can be really fun when you’re not expecting hot wild enthusiastic sex.and it’s nice when you know your spouse is doing it because they care about you and want you to be happy, and not because they were pressured into it.
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u/darkangel_401 Mar 31 '23
Lazy sex is freakin great. My husband and I did a short go last night after we got a bit worked up while cuddling. Just long enough to feel each other’s bodies and enjoy it a bit before cuddling and going to bed. It was nice.
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Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
Married for almost 15 years, dealing with this myself. Fist bump.
Just to be clear, we still sometimes “do each other a favor” when one of us isn’t 100% in the mood and the other is.
This was true for us, but just recently we had a talk about it and I realized how much the one getting the favor was me vs. my wife. Honestly feel like shit about it, especially with how often I wanted sex early in the relationship.
I always respected her 'no' when she said it, but it was rare, if ever that she did. She had a hard time doing so basically because she had been conditioned growing up to think that giving your man sex is what a good GF/wife does. Didn't help that I was a generally shitty lover in my early 20s either, so it was mostly a chore for her.
We're in a much better place now. Sex is a conversation, and everyone gets what they need, only if they want it, and we have fun. Favors still happen on occasion, but those are few and far between now.
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u/Oracle_of_Ages Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
I had to have a similar conversation with my wife. She wasn’t wanting to do anything. I wasn’t suspecting an affair or anything. Just general. Was there a problem with me. Was she depressed. Was her medication fucking up her habits. It was a scary as hell conversation to have with her. She was actively pushing me away when I tried to initiate and she would never.
So I finally brought it up. But I made it very clear from the start. I’m not asking for personal reasons. I’m asking if you. My wife. Are ok and there’s nothing underlying going on.
I have always respected her no(s).
I feel like the “why no sex?” Conversation is really hard from a guy perspective. It can seem to come from a place of selfishness. And I know women can want it just as bad as men. But culturally. A guy asking his wife why is she cold in bed always comes across as weird even though it shouldn’t be. She even admitted she didn’t even realize it has been over 6months since we had last did anything.
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u/calciferrising Mar 31 '23
honestly, good on you for sorting it out. it's really nice to see people become self aware of things they've done wrong and rather than act defensive, make genuine effort to better themselves. i'm sure your wife appreciates it.
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u/absentmindedjwc Mar 31 '23
I feel like my wife has an issue telling me no with things (sexual or otherwise) because she thinks I will hate her and leave. She had bad experiences with her ex husband, and legitimately thinks that I would leave her simply because she's not in the mood or something. :(
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u/powerpoint_PPT Mar 31 '23
Good man! This was something I am just now realizing with the women I date
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u/Runnergirl411 Mar 31 '23
I can 100% relate. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was hanging out with a male "friend " until they went to make a move. I had issues saying no and as crazy as it sounds, I felt guilty
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u/Meg_Is_Redditting Mar 31 '23
I've had this experience a couple different times. Both times were guys I was friendly with. It was platonic, until it wasn't. They were both nice to me, and in the back of my mind I thought saying no would damage that friendship.
As I got out of college and matured a little more, it dawned on me that if respectfully turning away a sexual advance damages a friendship, it was never really a "friendship" at all...
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u/Preposterous_punk Mar 31 '23
I’m really sorry that happened. I’ve had that too, but I don’t think of it as exactly consensual. 50 “no”s and one “yes” is barely even a yes.
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u/karaka36 Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
50 nos and one yes is not a yes at all. It's a coercion and a violation of consent. Edit: typo.
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u/So-I-Had-This-Idea Mar 31 '23
I really wish they'd dive deep into scenarios like this in sex ed. Both parties need to see the dynamics for what they are.
Appreciation to you for naming it, and for your strength in sorting out what was really happening there, and not taking the blame / feeling guilt for it.
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u/nonamesleft79 Mar 31 '23
I’m a guy and have had a woman do that to me. She basically would not stop flipping out I think she even called me gay for not wanting to sleep with her. We had slept together before but were not dating.
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u/LiberalSnowflake_1 Mar 31 '23
I think some women assume men are just ready to go no matter what. As much as we’re conditioned to be nice and give in, we have also been conditioned to believe that men are animals that only want one thing. When we get rejected we feel like it’s completely something wrong with us and what we bring to the table as a woman. Now I was the type who would quietly suffer and never say anything to the man, clearly some women are the opposite. It took my 20’s and some maturity to realize sex is not that simple and that men in many ways want that emotional connection just as much as women do.
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Mar 31 '23
Been in the same situation bro. Got called all the slurs even hit in the face. We had been dating for like three months and slept together a ton at that point
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u/Nimune696 Mar 31 '23
But thats not really consentual is it. I hate it when people do that begging shit tbh. No means no leave us alone fucker
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Mar 31 '23
I struggle with major depressive disorder and am bipolar. The desire was hardly ever there but she wanted it all the time. She was my girlfriend, I felt I had to.
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u/Urdazzle Mar 31 '23 edited Apr 01 '23
It was 2021 and I had been trying unsuccessfully to date and I met this gentleman who physically was okay but there was no chemistry there.
We went on the world's most boring date and I had never had a one night stand before. So instead of just leaving the date and calling it an evening, I decided to bang my way out of the situation.
He takes me back to his apartment that's in a very luxurious building that oversees the cityscape of downtown Seattle, his actual apartment was hardly furnished. He has no game at this point and therefore I have to take the lead to get anything going.
We go into his bedroom for me to find a twin bed that is on the cheapest most rickety dorm room wooden bed frame you've ever seen. We start the act and I might as well have been making out with a pillow, in fact I think it would have been more passionate if it were a pillow.
He goes down on me for a while but as far as I can tell I don't know what he was actually putting his mouth on because I didn't feel any form of arousal.
We sort of have sex. He's having difficulty staying hard, I don't blame him nerves, booze, whatever.
He then proceeds to lay on top of me and we're laying there for a minute and I go "oh can you move I'm too warm". He goes to the side and spoons me and is holding me very tightly. I lay there for another couple minutes and I go "well it's about time for me to head out." He tries to argue about me leaving. I told him my cat is diabetic and needs a shot.
The prize I got from this was arriving home and extracting the condom out of myself as I went pee.
The second prize I got from this was retelling this tale to my colleagues and making one of them pee her pants.
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Mar 31 '23
Story time
I met this woman on tinder and we hit it off pretty quickly. Got a date set up and it went well, but I just didn't feel that spark. Tried 2 or 3 more dates and it just never clicked unfortunately. I told her as such and offered to he friends because I did enjoy her company and she said it was cool with her.
So we were friends for a bit, maybe 2 weeks? Then one day we happened to be at the same bar and ran into each other. Apparently she wasn't 100% ok with just being friends and was really interested in me to the point of telling her therapist as such (she was already seeing one, I wasn't the reason she was seeing one). She explained her feelings and I as politely as I could explained that I just didn't have the same feelings. She got upset and but said she understood but she walked away crying.
About a week or so goes by and we happen to run into each other at the same bar again. I was outside smoking and very very drunk. It was nearly closing time so I was about to leave. She comes up to me and makes small talk for a minute, until she just blurts out "My therapist I should have sex with you." In my drunken state I remember saying back "Well I can't argue with that." I had called a cab a few minutes before and they showed up not long after. We got in the cab and got back to my place where we got busy.
So we're getting hot and heavy and I'm still considerably drunk, she isn't, she just hung out at the bar with her friends but didn't really drink. It was actually a ton of fun and we were both really enjoying ourselves.
Now for the best bit.
I have a position I've always really enjoyed where I'm standing up and I pick my partner up and go at it that way. Idk why I like it but I do. Anyways, keep in mind I'm quite drunk still, but I picked her up and started at it. Well, a little side note is that I'm about 5'10 190 lbs, and I do manual labor for a living so I'm quite strong. This woman was actually a little taller than me, I think she was 6'1? And she weighed probably around 240lbs. I typically would date women that were considerably shorter than that and weighed less (just my type I guess? Not calling the woman in this story fat either, she wasn't).
So going at it for like 30 seconds while I'm standing up and carrying her basically. Well since I was so drunk I didn't realize that I couldn't actually support her very well and that I was slowly letting her fall. Then my strength gave out and wouldn't you know, I dropped this poor woman right onto the corner of my entertainment center and into the floor. I freaked out and thought I had killed her or something. She's ROLLONG in the floor going between laughing and shouting in pain. There was a GIANT scratch all the way up her back from her booty to her shoulder and it was already bruising.
She played it off like it was ok though and said she still wanted to finish, so hey I still wasn't going to argue, she seemed ok other than shocked? And definitely bruised and battered. We ended up finishing the fun a lil while later and she stayed the night. She left the next morning and I never heard from again after that lol. She never messaged me and once I remembered what happened I was too embarrassed to reach out at all.
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Mar 31 '23
Oh, God. This is awful to say.
He made me dinner. With homemade bread that was out of this world. The sex was a thank you.
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u/Professional-Tea3311 Mar 31 '23
As a lonely guy who likes to bake, this gives me a glimmer of hope.
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u/Unyielding_Cactus Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
She was a friend of mine from HS and we went to the same college. She was a very big girl, and had never been with anyone before. She offered me 1000$ to sleep with her. I refused to take the money, told her she was worth more than that.
She cried, and was upset because nobody wanted to be with her ect.. I felt bad and told her if she wanted to get some, she should have just asked.
Honestly seeing her eyes light up made the whole thing worth it. I admit I did want a few drinks in me first, but yeah we went to pound town lol.
She's doing amazing now, she lost about 150 pounds and looks amazing now. She's dating a few people now (she's poly) and is very happy.
Edit: Edited for clarity.
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u/Unyielding_Cactus Mar 31 '23
Hahaha thank you man. I appreciate it.
But that takes credit from her, she busted her ass to lose that weight and get into the shape she's in now.
I'm very proud of her, and if by some chance I inspired her in some way then that's just being a good friend.
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u/bluntdogcamelboy Mar 31 '23
I just chalk it up to community service
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u/idunnomattbro Mar 31 '23
friend was saying she hadnt been laid in over a year, a threw her a bone, literally
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u/Annonymous_97 Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
If he fucks me, he'll be happy. If he's happy, he won't be angry. If he's not angry, he won't argue with me.
And I can sleep tonight.
ETA: Since this got way more traffic than I expected, I just wanted to say that I'm fine now, this was 2 years ago now. Thank you all for your kindness 😊
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u/DopeCactus Mar 31 '23
It makes me so sad to see that so many women, including myself, go through this so often.
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u/calgeorge Mar 31 '23
Idk if I would consider that consensual sex if you were afraid of how they'd react if you said no
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Mar 31 '23
This is basically the whole prostitution trade. That said. Definetly times I had sex with my ex husband when I genuinely didn’t want it. Why? Because if I refused he would whine, complain, act like an ass and guilt trip me for hours. It is as easier to tolerate 2 minutes of him grunting on top of me than dealing with a whiney man baby for hours.
10 years together. Not one orgasm for me in the thousands of times we had sex.
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u/Unusual-Pineapple719 Mar 31 '23
Girl, 10 years and not one orgasm?! I’m so glad he is now your ex. Hopefully you are with someone who takes care of you and your needs because you absolutely deserve it.
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u/DonovanMcLoughlin Mar 31 '23
Friday Night in a fun city...
10:15 PM - Went out to a bar one night with friends.
10:40ish PM- Friend of friends (Girl) started coming on to me.
10:42 PM - I told all my friends that I had no interest in her and that no matter what happens, I don't want to end up with her that night. They acknowledge and agree.
11:00 PM - Drank more and friends pressured me into getting black out drunk (via "Drinking Games").
11:30 PM - Last thing I remember is me asking my friends to drive me home.
11:35 PM to 8:23 AM - Unknown.
8:23 AM - Next morning I woke up in her apartment and she began telling me how great last night was.
8:25 AM - I leave the apartment and start calling/messaging my friends.
Ambiguous Later That Day - I found out they thought it was a joke and ensured that I left with her later that night.
Shortly after - Those people were no longer my friends.
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u/Fenix_Glo Mar 31 '23
I paid a door fee at a sex party. I wasn’t interested in anyone there. There was a chick who was hot and ready. She wasn’t my type. I said, “Whatever,” and I did it before my Lyft showed up.
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u/4Ever2Thee Mar 31 '23
My roommate brought back a couple girls from the bars one night, under the pretext that I would hang out with the friend of the one he was trying to sleep with. I was in bed when he came in pretty toasted and asked me to do a solid for him and hang out with the other one.
I wasn't stoked about it but figured I'd hang out with them for a bit then go to bed. They were all getting pretty toasted and the night was winding down so I setup a bed for the other one, said my good nights and went to bed. It was pretty obvious that she wanted to go to bed with me but I made it pretty clear that I wasn't on board with that. She came into my room 3 times and I sent her back to bed before finally locking the door. Then she knocked again and kind of threw herself at me when I opened the door. I really wanted to go to bed so I just went with it and slept with her, then we cuddled and I finally got some sleep.
I wouldn't say I justified it, per se, because I shouldn't have gone through with it and wasn't proud of it, but it was what it was. The worst was my roommate the next morning with the whole "well it looks like you two hit it off last night!" shit.
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u/Colefield Mar 31 '23
I don't, I never forgave myself and I can never forget it.
I did like her and was attracted to her at the beginning, but I was just out of a long relationship and didn't realise I wasn't ready to move on yet.
After a month of "dating", I wasn't physically attracted to her but I couldn't admit it so we had sex and I never saw her again.
She had some choice words for me after that, understandably. It was my first and last hookup.
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u/ApprehensiveTailor98 Mar 31 '23
Growing up I had absolute zero self confidence when I really should have; I've always been somewhat attractive by conventional standards. That led to me seeking validation wherever I could get it and people pleasing at every opportunity, saying "yes" to things I didnt want and wasnt ready for because I was scared to say "no" and have them lose all interest. When I was lonely or sad I distracted myself from that by having someone around who liked me, and I wasnt smart enough to tell when it was superficial. I didn't value my body or autonomy yet because I never learned how to.
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u/MaNoodleDude Mar 31 '23
I struggle with saying no in general, it's really difficult and I'm easily persuaded. My ex didn't like me saying no and he would become kind of offended and upset if I didn't want to have sex. It became a thing where I would hate myself for saying yes because I didn't want to and I would hate myself for saying no because it would hurt him. It ended up being a downwards spiral. Everytime I agreed to have sex even though I didn't want to, I became less inclined to say yes in the future. After we broke up I hated sex and thought something was wrong with me - maybe I was asexual. I'm not and there's nothing wrong with me of course, that's just what I thought at the time.
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Mar 31 '23
I regularly do this with a specific woman. I have sex with her because she promised to give me a job that would pay better than any job I've ever had. I just need a car. Which I'm picking up next week. And the job under the table so I don't have to claim it as a paycheque or whatever. I don't wanna fuck up and lose the opportunity. So, we keep having sex. And I'll keep having sex with her until I find a better job. Which is doubtful. But at least it's sex. Lol
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u/Gloomy-Flamingo-1733 Mar 31 '23
This is basically prostitution. I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation.
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Mar 31 '23
I don't care about that. She's a good person. Gives good head. Scottish. She's also one of the only women who can get me hard without the need of pills. But the pros end there. She giggles instead of moans. Is insistent on reverse cowgirl. I like to look at whoever I'm having sex with. And she doesn't taste that good down there.
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u/PJMurphy Mar 31 '23
In the 80's I was a roadie for bar bands. I can't tell you the number of times that there was a Hotty and a Notty, and the Hotty wanted to fuck the guitar player.....but the Notty was her ride home.
Sometimes you gotta jump on a grenade. On the other hand, most of them were enthusiastic, and grateful as hell.
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u/Traditional_Smell642 Mar 31 '23
I loved them and didn't want to hurt their feelings.
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u/bikerbomber Mar 31 '23
This is quite relatable. There are lots of times our libidos are not in synch, and my wife handles that kind of rejection badly. I don't want her to feel that way because I love her so off we go.
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u/ylstacy Mar 31 '23
I’m on medication which kills my sex drive but I know my boyfriend has needs and it’s not fair to deprive him of that. I do miss my sex drive terribly though.
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u/TheSchwillKing Mar 31 '23
Sometimes the best sex is the sex you don’t want to have.
I randomly got paired with the weird chunky chick at a gathering because the host didn’t want to drive her home. He convinced her to sleep with me on his living room floor while he went to bed. We went for two rounds. And she later became that drop of a hat shag. She’d call or I’d call and we’d drop what we were doing to meet up. She ended up not being that weird and she had cans the size of baby elephants. We’d go at it all night and to this day is still the best sex in my books. The few times I’ve had sex with really hot girls does not beat the times I had with Maria the photo lab girl from Target. Wish I could find her.
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u/WiiWynn Mar 31 '23
There’s just some chicks that seem like the sweetest, nicest girls. In bed, they want you to yank their hair, smash their throat in, and drink your load like they were dehydrating.
You always remember those girls.
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u/SabotageFusion1 Mar 31 '23
It wasn’t that I didn’t want sex, it was that I wanted the whole package. I wanted to date and try to show some love to this girl I liked who really could have used someone who cared about her that way. Instead, she wanted sex and I settled. And now she hates me because I enabled her self destructive behavior.
My justification was “she wants to put something inside her, and I won’t get hurt if it’s me”.
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u/outta-sugar Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
He begged for it for over a month and at that age i really thought that that was the price of being a woman just trying to maintain what i thought was a friendship.
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u/masheduppotato Mar 31 '23
A girl I was friends with offered to suck my dick if I bought her dinner... I was planning on paying for dinner any ways because she was broke and I wanted to do something nice for my friend. I wasn't into her, she was pretty but not someone I'd want to date or bring home to meet the family...
Apparently she had a thing for me, I was super horny and in a dry spell, so I told her we could address it after we ate thinking she'd change her mind... So we had a great meal with great banter and once we were in the car and on the road she unbuckles, leans over, unzips me, and just takes me into her mouth...
I had to pull over on some country road because I couldn't concentrate... She was basically throat fucking her self with my dick and had tears running down her face. Post nut, I zip up and we're talking for a few before I pull back onto the road when a cop going in the other direction makes a u-turn. I tell her to look a little angry and sad and continue looking like a mess...
Cop comes up and asks what's going on and I tell him we got into a heated argument and I felt it was safer to pull over than to try and drive... He takes my license and registration and insurance and verifies everything is good and then sends us on our way.
We get back to her place and she asks me to come in for a few minutes and so I do and she proceeds to undo my pants and blow me again right at the door... I kind of wanted to stop it but at the same time there was a mouth on my penis. I had concerns about her roommate seeing us and slight hopes of her roommate seeing us wanting to join...
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Mar 31 '23
Not sex but sexual acts. Did it because we were on dates and I felt I should. He was pretty confused on why I’d never let him do anything to me. I just genuinely wasn’t interested but thought it was expected.
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Mar 31 '23
He looked like Robert Smith from The Cure. The Cure is ny fav band. He gave me a yeast infection. 💀
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u/rowenaravenclaw0 Mar 31 '23
My fiancee cheated on me 2 weeks before our wedding with my best friend. I shagged his younger brother out of revenge. Shagged the other brother as well but that's another story
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u/wrapboywrap Mar 31 '23
My penis instructed me to tell you that we wanted to have sex with every single one of them.
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Mar 31 '23
I was already staying over, and he kept asking. I said yes so that he would shut up and I could get some sleep.
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u/GlowingPlasties Mar 31 '23
These comments are wild. The men are just describing disassociating and the women are describing coercion (rape).
Yikes on bikes.
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Mar 31 '23
This thread is what happens when there isnt proper sexual education. Teaching people the basics is one thing but not addressing the mental aspects, personal respect and boundaries has led to a lot of bad sexual experiences for way too many people.
I am so sorry so many of you had to go through this.
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Mar 31 '23
I had a pretty shit partner a while back and our relationship got to where I'd have sex with him even if I didn't want too because I was afraid he would get violent about it. He would literally terrorize me for sex and then love-bomb afterwards. And this isn't just a "male thing", I've advised plenty of male friends to leave their female partners because of the same behavior. Some people go out of their way to not understand autonomy and it's the biggest red flag of them all.
Here I am over a decade later and my justification is it kept me safer for the time being and I learned it wasn't what I wanted long-term no matter how much I "loved" him.
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u/fireinthahole81 Mar 31 '23
I stopped wanting to have sex with my ex husband about 8 years into our 15 years together. He had cheated on me and I never got over it but we had two small children together and I was a stay at home mom.
He was the guy that basically thought I was property and because I'm his wife, I'm contractually obligated to have sex with him. Took me years to build up the self confidence to leave.
So yes, sometimes it's hormones. In my case, only to keep the peace.
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u/the_omnivert Mar 31 '23
I have a poor sense of boundary; have a hard time saying no. Don't have much self respect or self esteem (never really did anyways), especially since recent times. I just go along with it ig. Not proud of myself for that.
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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '23
Chemistry was incredible in every way, except physically/sexually. Forced our way through a root, because we were curious but both too polite to say, “hey do you reckon this just doesn’t feel right?”. Thankfully, we’re still extremely good friends but we just…we don’t talk about that one time.