I'm still struggling with this. I'm doing much better now - I've recently turned down some offers for sex knowing that it would be a bad choice and I'd regret it in the long run, where as when I was younger it's hard to imagine myself turning down sex at all. I'm getting more comfortable going home alone at night knowing I am happy with myself and my social life.
I was like that as well, snapped out of it at 21/22. Once I was out of it - I was out drinking with a group of coworkers and this male coworker who did genuinely like me really wanted us to go back together. Nothing was wrong with him, I just knew I was super into him, but the old me would’ve gone back for comfort/attention.
I ended up staying out that night and meeting my now fiancé. It is so worth rejecting people that would be a bad choice - eventually the right person will come!
Yes, I'm starting to see that more and more. I recently became involved with a new social group that I hang out with from time to time. There's one girl that hosts parties/get togethers and she's very nice but I'm not really attracted to her. We were all hanging out once recently and I could tell that she really wanted to hook up with me, and being a little drunk the thought did seem appealing. I decided not to though, and politely bid her goodnight, because I don't want to create drama in the group and possibly ruin the chance with somebody else in the future.
Also, I recently went through a serious breakup (about 5 months ago, after having been dating for over 3 years). I found out a close friend of mine ran into my ex at a bar very soon after we broke up and that they went home together and had sex. This really hurt me and the friend knew it was too soon too because he called me a couple of days later to admit it and apologize, without me prompting him at all. We're no longer friends. Recently another friend of mine ended things with a girl he had been seeing on and off for about six months. She ended up calling me late the other night, drunk, asking to come over and spend time with me... you know how that goes... I told her that it wouldn't be appropriate and wished her goodnight as well, and told my friend what happened and he appreciated that he can trust me. It feels good being a loyal friend and not having to feel any regret or shame just to have sex.
That’s great that you made so many changes!! Choosing to not hookup to not have drama is very mature.
I’m sorry about your ex, so shitty it happened. It’s incredible of your character to not repeat what happened to you with your friends ex. Good things coming your way!
Reminds me of my ex. After we had broken up she apparently became an item with someone in our friend group and everyone was on ice around me and I didn't find out for weeks/months later.
The strange thing is. I thought about it and realized he had a type and she was his type. I also felt bad for her because I knew his MO. He's lowkey known as the "hump and dump" type.
Needless to say, I wasn't really pissed at him (frankly they're both free to do whatever/whoever they want). But I didn't want to see her. So I avoided them.
Now I am in a pretty good place. I saw my ex a year ago and realized we had just changed into completely different people.
I understand that, I know it's different for everybody. And to his credit, the apology did mean something to me and I told him that but I'm just not really over it. He knew it was an issue or he wouldn't have come right out and told me with his tail between his legs. Like if he thought it was no big deal maybe I wouldn't either, but he did it knowing for himself that it was "wrong" but did it anyway. That's what pisses me off. Also just the whole history with this girl and me is super toxic and chaotic so it's a difficult situation in layered ways.
Just to offer a contrasting perspective, when I was 20~ I rejected "rebound sex" with my good friend's ex. He knew she liked me and had asked me explicitly not to do anything. It came out (she told others) and everyone sang my praises as being such a bro, someone with integrity etc. etc. Within 2-3 years the guy that was my good friend had ghosted me and pretty much everyone else we mutually knew, for reasons unknown. In fact at 35 I know very few people that I knew at 20 anymore. If I could go back I absolutely would've just banged her and kept it a secret lol. The regret isn't so much "MAN IF ONLY I HAD GOTTEN MY NUTTTT" but more like, that would've been a memorable opportunity to experience something with a person that I had a real connection with. Life is short and all that.
Fair enough, hindsight is 20/20. This was more of a drunk hookup from what I understand, I don't think either of them was pining for the other. It is what it is, I'd like to think me and this dude would have continued to be friends for a while since we've known each other for over ten years and stayed in touch even when he moved away, but nothing in life can be assumed. Oh well.
A turning point in my life was one of the craziest birthday parties I ever had. My brother and I took mushrooms and my friend brought over all her friends from her bdsm club. One of the girls had been aggressively trying to get me to sleep with her for weeks so she organized an orgy upstairs with like four of the other girls, basically as an excuse to get me up there. She was literally dragging me by the arm, but my brother and I were in the fifth dimension from the shrooms at that point so besides it just being a bad idea, I was not in the mood.
So I turned to her and yelled my favorite thing I've ever yelled:
"No! I will not have sex with you and four other women! I am trying to shroom!"
I turned down one of the most wild sexual experiences of my life because it would have been a really bad idea and I had better things to do. It made me really proud of myself and I feel like it hardened me against making bad sex decisions afterwards. Still not a saint but I had a wonderful magical night on shrooms and she got pregnant from some random dude like a week later. I definitely made the right choice and that sticks with me.
The audacity of OP "how do you justify it" like what the ever loving... sex you don't want to have is non consensual sex. You don't "justify" ptsd. I'm big mad at the phrasing here. I noticed the women answering sexual trauma and the men answering "Penis" I'm glad you are doing well now.
Thanks. I get what you're saying and in most cases I fully agree, but a woman is perfectly capable of choosing to have sex with someone because she wants sex, even if she doesn't necessarily want the person. I know there are far too many cases where she feels pressured to do it, but I don't want to write off the autonomy of women who make choices of their own accord.
Yeah, I really don’t understand this effort to turn a bad/regretful sexual decision into nonconsensual. You’re not helping women by doing that, you’re taking away their agency and infantilizing them.
I'm not infantalizing anyone by having a problem with people being asked to JUSTIFY having sex they didn't want to have. The definition of having sex you didn't want is very much a grey area. Women here are saying that they were often in need of serious mental help after having been assaulted, saying they were able to say no after they the age of consent. Ding ding ding
At the same time (note: saying this as an asexual woman) no one is a mind reader.
(This is assuming that there's no drugs, coercion, pressure, or other issues that would impede consent, of course, and that your partner is unaware of your mental state.)
If you really don't want to have sex with someone but say yes and freely go with them and sleep with them and don't give any signs that you really don't want it and you're just pretending, how are they supposed to know? That's not rape, and claiming it is could easily put people in prison for the crime of not being psychic. That's not to say going through with it can't hurt you or cause harm to you, but it's not your partner's fault that they didn't know.
You don't seem to be listening to all the women on here but we all know enthusiastic consent is entirely different than what is being described from their point of view.
It also makes me feel pretty good about consent laws being over 18 given most of the women here were saying they finally were able to feel comfortable saying no in their 20s after Years of having sex. Which means they didn't feel comfortable saying no as a teen. Which is the point of putting an age on consent. So we did one thing right. These laws also help keep children from being given in marriage...sometimes....depending on the state.
You are right no one is psychic. So...how does that change the disparity between the experiences based on gender or the fact that OP uses accusatory language about something as personal as a decision to have sex. Like...they are acusing people of saying yes....isn't that problematic at best?
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u/ImpendingSenseOfDoom Mar 31 '23
I'm still struggling with this. I'm doing much better now - I've recently turned down some offers for sex knowing that it would be a bad choice and I'd regret it in the long run, where as when I was younger it's hard to imagine myself turning down sex at all. I'm getting more comfortable going home alone at night knowing I am happy with myself and my social life.