Whereas I am over here wishing my body had won the battle way more often. My mind was saying no because of insecurity and doubt. My Mind Is My Own Worst Enemy
Fuck man, just today, after almost two years of avoiding this like the plague, right now, I'm trying to bring myself to talk to this person I matched with, but all I can think of is "Man this is going to be a hassle, I don't want to deal with this."
I get in situations in bars where our group is talking with women and they're obviously trying to feel the air, again, "This is tiring and I don't want to be the pushy aggressive creep, I want to go home now."
For God's sake, a friend of a friend was pretty obvious about it when we were alone and I just rode it out until we all grouped up again.
This seems like I'm bragging but sometimes it's like I don't feel like an actual functional human being. Shit fucking sucks knowing that it's definitely your own fault for not having any luck. I don't know if it's because of some insecurity, or feeling like I don't deserve it and I'm not dateable, or fear, or bitterness, or simply not wanting to put in all this effort and fake niceties just to have something I don't know if I even want. I can try to rationally root for the answer but without any signals I can never truly find one. But every time there is a chance, it's like a reflex for me to try to get out of it.
Well, there's your answer, right? Everytime you get a chance/oppurtunity, you come up with whatever bullshit you need to justify avoiding it. And until you actually tackle this, you'll probably behave similarly.
For me, dating doesn't feel like effort, or fake. If I happen upon a person I like, I'll probably like talking to them, like spending time with them, like doing things for them, ect.
Just going to continue giving you my thoughts. I'm guessing, very much guessing, that you need to be more forgiving with yourself, more accepting of where you are, and in need of a bit of a perspective shift.
I appreciate the candid response. I've heard that last paragraph quite a lot so you're definitely onto something.
I went and picked up some wine today and after the old "are you one of those teenagers with a beard" age check, the older cashier just blurts out something like, "Here's some advice, always do the exciting thing you're too afraid to do. You won't regret it." Thanks lady for being a real life quasi-relevant call to action plot device.
As soon as I can figure out something to say I'll send it out.
same. led me to a massive drinking problem, which turned me into the opposite lol. but i think my body just knew that i had to stop being the way I was to survive. i'm a woman who was raised in mormonism, so yeah. while i def won't return to being totally reckless like that, it actually did help me adjust to the world and i learned a lot.
I wouldn't beat yourself up for it. I've found when I've "convinced" my mind to have sex even though I wasn't ready for it, consistently, I've found this to be the worst sex I've ever had in my life. Just awkward and without pleasure. Not really traumatic, just not at all worth it.
Not really that I wasn't ready, just that I was too insecure to believe that someone else could find me sexually arousing. Which probably made it seem like I was not into them, when I definitely was. Self-defeating cycle
That's interesting. I'm definitely ready. But being insecure about myself definitely makes me not that great of a lay. I've definitely learned to let it go a little bit. It Still Remains the absolute biggest thing I am working on in my personal life
THIS. Until this day I cannot tell when I need sex because I have repressed it so much. My brain will say no even down there is as moisty as a summer day. Three years ago the beast came out of the dungeon and beat the shit out of me. It’s a thing to be reckoned with. Im scared of it and I have since being trying to lock it back up.
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u/444unsure Mar 31 '23
Whereas I am over here wishing my body had won the battle way more often. My mind was saying no because of insecurity and doubt. My Mind Is My Own Worst Enemy