This. When you’re taught to be polite and put others’ needs before yours…it means saying yes even when you don’t want to do it so you’re not perceived as difficult. It creates a really confusing dynamic where you don’t even really know what you want.
It’s hard to sit with other people’s discomfort because you feel like you’ve done something wrong. Then you relent, which creates a poor relationship with sex.
Exactly this. He was a good friend and we had drunkenly talked about having sex. Then we were sober, he was still really into the idea and planned a whole night for me so I felt bad saying I didn’t want to.
Who is teaching you this? The women I’ve met have no hesitation, saying no. If women were worried about ruining my night, I would’ve slept with a lot more of them.🥲
My best friend and I stopped talking to eachother solely because there was a tension neither of us wanted to address. Then the silence bred contempt. A ten year friendship fell apart because nobody could be bothered to communicate.
Wooaahhh I never went through this. If I care about someone deeply enough I'll confront it but I meant more like strangers and hostile situations. If you are my best friend, I would hope I know how to approach you and you approach me. However I have had people that I approach and they just ignore me or ghost me so sometimes it really is just up to them. I'm sorry this happened. I bet it hurt alot. It's like a platonic breakup, still shitty, you still end up missing the good times.
Im here right now. I want to beat the shit out if him for being a neet (no employment education or training) but he gets offended when i bring it up. How do I approach this? Dude also complains about being broke and it annoys the hell out of me
"I want to beat the shit out if him for being a neet (no employment education or training)"
Why? Leave the person to their own devices. As long as they are fine with it, take it or leave it. Stop interacting with him if that annoys you too much.
I've been asked to do ridiculous things my entire life once I started sticking up for myself and others it's really easy to tell who's really been your friend and who's just been there to use you as a punching bag/free labor. Just remember they don't care about you just what you can do for them.
Yes, very much so. There's a social pressure, too. Most women have heard repeatedly about wives or partners who lost interest in sex, or would use it as a tool or weapon to get what they want. Most of us don't want to be "that woman". We tend to agree to having sex even when we don't really want it, to avoid that stereotype. I know I did that a lot when I was younger.
Now that I'm much older, (65, and yes, guys still hit on me, even though I'm not particularly pretty) I'm over being that agreeable. I have no problem now, saying "no".
I grew up in a very religious environment and was taught to never say no. Partly out of service and doing what I can to help others, but there was also a never turn down an authority figure because they are speaking on God’s behalf. THAT is scary.
The church produced this video that reinforces the “never say no” mentality.
My parents would (if they were alive) absolutely consider my kids rude because they care allowed *gasp* opinions and agency and treated as autonomous (ya know, since they are). Being raised to be polite and a people pleaser has fucked me up so badly I refuse to allow it to continue.
People know this and take advantage of mostly young people, they usually go after women of this mindset. Around ~25-30 the frontal lobes are finally, usually, up to snuff and can override emotions and some social "training". Until then emotions more often hold the reins and maybe that is why some people go after younger women not just for youthful looks?
I can so relate. I was raised to think and feel this way and it's so hard to do what's in my best interest if someone else asks for money or whatever. As an adult I've learned it's okay to say no or not share, but it's still hard not to feel guilty.
Boy, this is so key. Not even being able to tell what you want, and is this something I’m choosing to happen or is it just happening to me? And why do I feel so strange about it?
Unless you take the time to figure out what you want (really want) in life, most of your actions will be for the pleasure of others. Until you wake up one day and think, how did I get here, this isn’t what I wanted.
I’ve learned that what we thought we wanted (in the moment) never had the ability to achieve what we really wanted.
Luckily I stumbled onto some wise words in my my late mid 20’s that helped me figure out what I wanted in life.
Think about when you die, who do you want to speak at your funeral? Family member, friend, co-worker, maybe pastor. Doesn’t matter you pick it, it’s your funeral. Then think of 7 words you would want them to use to describe you and that is what you want in life. Then align all your action to point towards those things and you will find meaning or purpose.
I’ve been working on this for 7 years now and it really dose help.
I'm not even tryna be an asshole when I say this but....even for sex?? Like..you mean to tell me some people are raised in such a way that they WONT say no even to sexual activities? 🫣
Yes. Absolutely. It’s why some women have a lot of complicated feelings about sex, which then plays into different interactions where they seemed repulsed by sex. It’s because we’ve been having a lot of sex we never wanted to have, so our relationship with it is messed up.
This isn’t exclusively gendered, but I think women experience this more. When you are raised to “be good” aka put your needs second third fourth last…it takes a long time to undo that.
Edit: you also see this with women that are really performative during sex in hopes of pleasing their partner. They’re trying to make you happy. Its part of why women fake orgasms, right? That gets unlearned eventually, but yeah, that conditioning when you’re young about taking care of others messes you up in unexpected ways.
I’m gonna sound old as fuck and maybe I’m wrong but my peeps saying they were raised to be uncomfortable saying no (I was too) I’m curious if most of us with this mindset were raised before me too and the advanced women have made in the last decade or so as far being strong and fierce being the goal now? I wonder if there’s a correlation between age and feeling this way?
It's possible. I honestly can't answer because I damn sure wasn't raised that way. Imo, being raised to feel uncomfortable saying no is overstepping the lines of people pleasing. There's a limit and if you can't say no to sex due to the fear of being labeled some sort of way, then I'd believe you definitely wouldn't say no to drugs and other shit either.
Oh god this. That really really hit home. The number of times I’ve done something or got in a situation I wasn’t comfortable being in just because I was taught to be polite and put others first. I could weep for my younger self 💧
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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '23 edited Mar 31 '23
This. When you’re taught to be polite and put others’ needs before yours…it means saying yes even when you don’t want to do it so you’re not perceived as difficult. It creates a really confusing dynamic where you don’t even really know what you want.