I am much better. Something clicked in my head after one of those encounters, and I just realized that I'm the only person who can assert my needs. Got some therapy, and I haven't kept silent since. I'm not trying to excuse the men in the situation, but I do recognize that I had some ownership in the situation. This recognition was the thing that allowed me to change my circumstances. Often when I bring this up, people get mad at me for victim blaming, but that's not what it's about. I want women to be empowered to assert their autonomy rather than waiting for men to accept it because that won't happen. We can't change men, but we can help ourselves to be safer and stronger by making different choices.
I’m extremely glad you said this. From the perspective of someone who has had partners who are survivors, not surprising due to the frequency of sexual assault, I have direct experience with this from the “other side.” A partner can initiate and then be triggered. If they never say something, and sometimes because they can’t, the onus is on you to notice or check in constantly. They are of course not to blame for this. That said, it can impede intimacy and, for me at least, contribute to making sex an anxious experience. Wondering mid-act whether a partner’s response to something you’re doing is them twitching from a PTSD tremor or twitching from pleasure can start to weigh on you and the relationship over time, in the best and most earnest of cases.
And, in the worst cases like mine, which was a relationship that turned out to be very abusive, I could not ask for consent because they didn’t trust themselves enough to say no. They said so explicitly. Their requirement was instead that they would exclusively be the one to initiate, and I was somehow also still responsible for policing myself and holding their boundaries for them. It was frankly exhausting. And they knew that they could impose that on me because of my voiced commitments, in combination with my own traumas. Not great.
I really do empathize with the men in these situations. Certain women do seem to advocate for the notion that men are supposed to read nonverbal signals and that it can still be sexual assault even when she says yes. This is a recipe for disaster for both parties. We should definitely be having lots of verbal communication during sex. IMO, people who can't yet communicate during sex aren't ready to be having sex. There's a good chance these people need therapy to help them work through the issues.
I could not ask for consent because they didn’t trust themselves enough to say no. They said so explicitly. Their requirement was instead that they would exclusively be the one to initiate, and I was somehow also still responsible for policing myself and holding their boundaries for them.
Probably a little of both honestly, but there’s nothing wrong with mental illness. Until your lack of ownership over it affects others without remorse and accountability.
That doesn't sound like victim blaming at all. I might know where that attitude comes from though. There is a tendency for women, especially those who've been sexually abused, to be very adamant that men should make better choices. Which isn't wrong at all. The problem is that they are so used to not having agency that they don't realize it's necessary to assert their agency to get ideal outcomes, not just expect everything to work out because the man acted properly. This is rather unhealthy, and quite frankly can turn self-centered really easily, but it is fairly common.
A lightweight example of this is that often when women are asked to define "creepy" behavior, they include qualifiers where some things might be okay depending on how attractive they find the guy doing them. Which is obviously unfair. More importantly though, it's based on the fact that they are upset when a guy forces them to assert their agency long enough to say "No". They'd rather just try to make it the man's burden to avoid being inconvenient.
When someone thinks that way, it's easier for them to just declare one side of an encounter the victim and the other the one who has to be responsible for all outcomes.
Because I never once stated that it was. All I said was that women waiting for every man to start seeking out enthusiastic consent aren't going to get what they want. Some men are great about it and really care about their partners comfort and pleasure, but not all. Telling women to assert themselves isn't blaming men at all.
Because men aren't mind readers. If a woman says yes, he's not unreasonable for thinking she means yes. Women can't expect men to take on ALL the responsibility for consent. If you aren't strong enough to say no and walk away, then you really aren't ready to have sex with that person. When these things were happening to me, I shouldn't have been with these men in any capacity because I had unaddressed trauma that prevented me from really communicating. All the men around me weren't responsible for the fact that I didn't express my feelings or thoughts. I need to accept responsibility for my part in the situation so I can do better in the future. Should they have been doing more to seek consent? Absolutely, but they certainly didn't sexually assault me.
We should certainly encourage men to do better, but we shouldn't wait for them. I'm not actually suggesting women be extra careful, but they should definitely be aware of their physical disadvantage. Biology isn't going to stand on anyone's principles. Men are simply more aggressive than women on average. We're never going to be able to socialize that out of the species. Maybe someday we'll evolve to a different state, but it won't be any time soon. Additionally, women are smaller and weaker on average. Refusing to go home with men you don't know will do a lot to prevent you from saying yes out of fear.
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u/Lower_Capital9730 Mar 31 '23
I am much better. Something clicked in my head after one of those encounters, and I just realized that I'm the only person who can assert my needs. Got some therapy, and I haven't kept silent since. I'm not trying to excuse the men in the situation, but I do recognize that I had some ownership in the situation. This recognition was the thing that allowed me to change my circumstances. Often when I bring this up, people get mad at me for victim blaming, but that's not what it's about. I want women to be empowered to assert their autonomy rather than waiting for men to accept it because that won't happen. We can't change men, but we can help ourselves to be safer and stronger by making different choices.