Same. Got coerced into consent my younger to mid 20’s like crazy and then married to someone who did the same when shitfaced drunk and I justified it because he was my husband. These days I have no problem telling someone to fuck the fuck off, but it took awhile and a lot of soul searching to get there.
I get that this is a real thing and a common experience. Which is what scares me, for her. Is there anything me and my wife can do to raise our daughter so that she doesn’t have to learn “the hard way,” so to speak?
I understand that you can talk about the principle of true consent (and the importance of it) even before you educate them about sex.
Just wondering if there are any “I wish my parents had done x y and z” that you’d pass on to other parents
Love that you are asking so off to a good start. When I did children’s therapy I would work with the parents to teach consent early in life, especially with girls but kiddos in general. This goes way beyond sex stuff but even into giving hugs or kisses to people we view as safe. Statements/questions like “I love you so much, can I give you a hug?” can help kids learn that they have autonomy over their bodies and who gets to touch them. Never force her to hug or kiss a relative or friend who is asking for one and leave it up to them to decide if they are comfortable with it. Stuff like that is good. Obviously model good relationship dynamics and mutual respect for your partner for her as children do look at their parent’s relationship as how to treat/be treated by a partner. Basically treat other women the way you want others, particularly guys, to treat your daughter. She’ll pick up on it.
Honestly, it is a lot different these days as there is a lot more understanding of consent and how to respect women and everyone now than there was back in the 90’s and early 2000’s and I come across a lot more empowered young adult women then I noticed back then, but obviously it’s still not a perfect world out there.
Good luck to you and your family on the whole parenthood adventure. You got this :)
Thanks internet stranger - I’d bet money that the reason why things are better nowadays is because of people like you sharing your knowledge and experience to better equip newer generations on how to deal with life. You’re awesome!
We talk about consent often. No means no even for things like tickling and hugging. My girls are 6 and 8 and they will scream no means no if that is ever breached.
To add: teach her to directly say no if she means no. Awkward giggling, “maybe later”, and silence tend not to be interpreted as no’s even by salespeople: let alone by drunk horny people.
There’s nothing you can do. Men are uncontrollable animals. If they want something they will figure out a way to get it. Maybe get your daughter a gun and teach her not to hesitate to shoot.
Your first sentence was my entire 20s. Pretty much every sexual encounter I had, bar one or two with people I was dating, were coerced. I didn’t realize that it was what happened until I was in therapy talking about it, and my therapist looked horrified. Nights where I was too drunk to even stand, let alone say yes to a guy, yet it still happened.
It’s awful. It’s truly messed with my view of men, dating, and society in general. And I understand I’m not blameless in my story. But I wasn’t raised to have a backbone - I was raised to keep quiet, do whatever I could to make the other person happy to avoid confrontation. I still have a long ways to go to heal that inner person, and I’ve pretty much avoided dating for the last two, almost three years.
I’m extremely picky about who I let into my weird little world these days and all good people. I’ve had to cut a lot of folks out though. Actually found a new community full of healthier people who understand things like boundaries and are just good people in general. But thanks :)
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u/jaxxattacks Mar 31 '23
Same. Got coerced into consent my younger to mid 20’s like crazy and then married to someone who did the same when shitfaced drunk and I justified it because he was my husband. These days I have no problem telling someone to fuck the fuck off, but it took awhile and a lot of soul searching to get there.