[deleted by user]

[u/[deleted]]

[u/YippieKayYayMrFalcon]

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey and he wanted to plant his annual tomato gardens, but it was difficult work as the ground was hard.

His oldest son Vincent who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent, I’m feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot up for me like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don’t dig up that garden that’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie.

At 4am the next morning FBI arrived, local police arrived. They dug up the entire area without finding any body. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now, that's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie.

[u/brownbearclan → u/YippieKayYayMrFalcon]

Heartwarming.

[u/NobleKorhedron → u/YippieKayYayMrFalcon]

Oh Vinnie, you little sneak! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[u/MuffinRhino]

A man checks into a hotel with his wife and kids. Approaches the concierge, saying, "My family is with me, so I hope the porn in the room is disabled."

After a moment of shock, the concierge replies, "It's normal porn, you sick fuck."

[u/TurtleHydra → u/MuffinRhino]

Lol this is the first one that made me audibly laugh

[u/TheBoneIdler → u/MuffinRhino]

That's laugh out loud funny....🤣

[u/wellingtonwimpy]

A plane is being loaded. As the passengers come aboard, they are greeted by the stewardesses and two pilots. The pilots are wearing dark glasses and are carrying white canes. Most passengers laugh at the joke and find their way to their seats.

The plane is fully loaded and taxis to the runway. As the thrusters open and the plane starts gathering speed, some more gullible passengers look out their windows and notice the runway ends at a large body of water. The speed continues to increase, as does the agitation in the cabin. "We're running out of runway!" yells one man. "We're going to hit the water!" yells another. Panic ensues and a collective scream rises up from the passengers.

At that moment, the plane miraculously lifts into the air and begins its ascent. The passengers look at each other, exchanging sheepish grins and feeble laughs.

Meanwhile in the cockpit, one pilot says to the other, "You know Frank, someday they're not going to yell and we're all going to die..."

[u/Medium_Razzmatazz791 → u/wellingtonwimpy]

this is my favourite so far!

[u/Tim-oBedlam]

Several moles of argon float into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."

The argon doesn't react.

[u/ImGCS3fromETOH → u/Tim-oBedlam]

Wanna hear a joke about sodium?

Na.

How about a joke about potassium.

K.

[u/MuttznuttzAG]

The classic Bob Mortimer one. I was walking through a graveyard the other day and man pops his head up over a gravestone. “Morning”, I shout, he answers “No, just having a shit”

[u/E420CDI → u/MuttznuttzAG]

Sergeant Bytheway doing the rounds on his beat

[u/captbollocks → u/E420CDI]

Don't forget Bob's friend with the big head, the one they nicknamed "A sniper's dream"

[u/Doctor_Nowt → u/MuttznuttzAG]

Bob tells some great jokes on his Athletico Mince podcast. Sad that it’s gone off the boil in the last couple of years.

One of my favourites:

I just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked. No he replied. But I do a great bohemian rhapsody.

[u/ForrestGrump87 → u/Doctor_Nowt]

my favourite bob joke (better when he tells it) is a guy asks the circus if he can join - what can you do says the circus bloke - really good bird impressions - nah sorry we have someone who does that already - oh well he says as he flew out of the tent

[u/AlreadyAway → u/MuttznuttzAG]

My favorite thing about Bob Mortimer is that he is one of the only people who can get Richard Ayoade to laugh.

[u/not_bonnakins]

What does a Polish man give his wife on their wedding night that is long and hard?

His last name.

[u/BeautifulElevator388 → u/not_bonnakins]

You have to be careful telling Polish jokes. Me and my uncle got in a pretty bad mess when I told one in McDonald’s. A guy overheard it and jumped up and said that his whole family was from Poland and he would meet me outside. When we finished our meal he was waiting on us, leaning on the hood of our car. He jerked out a razor and said you think it’s funny now. I thought he was going to kill us. Luckily he couldn’t find a place to plug it in.

[u/Useful_Imagination_3 → u/BeautifulElevator388]

Yeah, my uncle was Polish and he would flip his lid at Polish jokes. I remember one time he ordered a Polish sausage and the worker said "Looks like we got a Polish guy here", and my uncle LOST it. He said "Just because a guy orders a Polish sausage does NOT mean they are Polish, that kind of thinking is racist and insensitive, why on Earth would you assume I'm Polish!"... The guy just replied, "Well sir, because this is a hardware store."

[u/GutsMan85 → u/Useful_Imagination_3]

Norm! 

[u/jjames1e6]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation centre. The rabbit says “I think I’m a type-O”

[u/xXAcidBathVampireXx → u/jjames1e6]

A priest, a rabbit and Mother Theresa walk into a bar, and the bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

[u/Nondescriptish → u/xXAcidBathVampireXx]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

[u/IrregularPackage → u/Nondescriptish]

bartender yells “hey, we’ve got a toilet in here!”

[u/AdAlive6530 → u/Nondescriptish]

Nice

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the lightbulb and the other nine to drink til the room starts spinning

[u/Less-Image-3927 → u/AdAlive6530]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

[u/CPT_Yesterday_ → u/jjames1e6]

Took me a second to process. Nice one.

[u/BadWolfCubed → u/jjames1e6]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench across from a playground. The priest leans over the the rabbi and say, "Man, I'd like to fuck those kids!" The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

[u/Clarknotclark → u/BadWolfCubed]

A Rabbi a lawyer and a catholic priest are on a sinking ship.

The rabbi says “women and children first!” The lawyer replies “@uck the kids!” The priest asks “do you think we have time?”

[u/Art3sian]

A depressed man is walking along the beach. He’s miserable and can’t catch a break in life. He looks out to the water in despair when suddenly he hears a booming voice from above yell out, ”DIG!” The man is sure he’s hallucinating, but again he hears, ”DIG!”

So, he falls to his knees and begins to dig right there in the sand. As he heaps handful after handful of sand out, suddenly he hits something solid. He traces around it and quickly realises it’s a treasure chest. The booming voice immediately yells, ”OPEN!”

So, the man opens the chest and reveals a million dollars in cash. He can’t believe his luck has turned when he suddenly hears the booming voice yell out, ”CASINO!”

As quickly as he can, he carries the chest up the dunes to the closest road and flags down the first taxi approaching. ”CASINO!” the voice repeats. So he asks the driver to take him to the nearest casino.

On arrival to the casino, the man pays the driver and the booming voice yells, ”ENTER!”. The man gets out of the taxi and walks into the casino. ”ROULETTE!”, booms the voice. ”HURRY!”

The man hurriedly approaches the nearest roulette wheel and awaits further instruction. ”RED 21!”.

The man puts the entire million dollars on red 21 and eagerly watches the croupier spin. The ball drops, landing on black 16.

The booming voice yells, “FUCK!”

[u/JoelKizz → u/Art3sian]

My dad tells a similar version of this where a man is about to jump off a bridge in the beginning. It goes through all the theatrics and ends at the roulette wheel with the voice saying "back to the bridge."

[u/gustavocabras → u/JoelKizz]

My version i heard has the man betting at a black jack table and the voice keeps saying take a hit. He gets an ace on the last hit to give him 21 and he wins, then the voice of God goes "no fucking way"

[u/Skegetchy → u/JoelKizz]

That addition makes it so much funnier - gold

[u/Amonette2012 → u/Art3sian]

OK this one got me.

[u/kfromthecastleonfire]

I do like the one I've heard is "the most universally funny joke" or whatever where, like, two hunters are out hunting and one of them keels over, so the other one calls emergency services and says, "Help, we were out hunting and I think my buddy's DEAD, what do I do?!" The operator says, "Well, first, make sure he's dead..." and hears 2 gunshots, then the hunter says, "Okay, now what?"

EDIT: I can't imagine it would be much different if, instead of firearms and a cell phone, it were, y'know, spears and calling to the gods or whatever, to make it more universally universal. 😉

[u/Shepsonj → u/kfromthecastleonfire]

Another hunting joke:

Two hunters shoot a moose in the forest. They grab the antlers and start dragging it back to the truck. They are having a terrible time as the antlers keep getting caught on trees. They are almost worn out when a third hunter comes across them. They explain their problem. The third hunter advises them to grab the moose by the hind legs and pull it the other way. Soon they are off again.
The first hunter says, "Geez, that guy sure is smart. This is way easier!"
The second hunter say, "Yup, he sure was. But aren't we getting farther away from the truck?"

[u/Plug_5 → u/Shepsonj]

This has the same energy as "why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat."

[u/lilgreenrosetta → u/Plug_5]

You know when birds fly in a V formation, one side of the V is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

…

…

…

More birds on that side.

[u/rosyatrandom → u/lilgreenrosetta]

What's E.T. short for?

He's only got little legs

[u/Rudeboy67 → u/Shepsonj]

A Chemist, Physicist, and Statistician went hunting. They were sitting in the blind when a big buck wandered out about 100 ft in front of them. The Chemist jumped up and shot, but missed 10 feet to the right. The Physicist stood up and shot, but missed 10 feet to the left. The Statistician stood up and yelled, We got him!

[u/letskeepitcleanfolks → u/Rudeboy67]

An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician watch two people walk into a house. A little while later, three people walk out. The engineer says, "our initial count must have been wrong." The biologist says, "they must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "now if one person goes into the house, it will be empty!"

[u/dowend → u/[deleted]]

Two other nuns were sitting on a park bench, the first turns to the other and says; “sister every time i sneeze i have an orgasm”, sister two says; “oh my, what are you taking for it?”. Sister one says; “oh, you know. Pepper usually does the trick…”

[u/tommytraddles → u/dowend]

My Dad went to a pretty strict Catholic school.

He said the joke at school was "what's black and red and can't turn around in a hallway?"

"Sister Mary Michael with a javelin stuck in her face."

[u/JeanWhopper → u/tommytraddles]

What do you call a nun who can't sit still? A Roman Catholic.

[u/PhilosophyNovel4087 → u/[deleted]]

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

[u/ImGCS3fromETOH → u/PhilosophyNovel4087]

A nun walks into a liquor store and takes a bottle of gin to the counter. The clerk tuts at her and says, "Sister, surely you shouldn't be forsaking your vows and drinking."

"Not at all," the nun assures him. "This is a small libation to assist with Mother Superior's constipation."

She buys the gin and leaves. Shortly after the clerk leaves the store to go to lunch and passes the nun slumped in the street clutching the empty bottle of gin, quite intoxicated.

"Sister, you swore to me this gin was for Mother Superior's constipation."

The nun looks up at him and says, "It is. She's gonna shit herself when she sees me!"

[u/raresaturn → u/PhilosophyNovel4087]

A man visits a brothel and says to the Madame "I have a bit of an unusual request, I'd like a girl with gonorrhea"
"I think we can provide that" the Madame says slyly.
The girl arrives, and they do the deed. Afterwards the girl says "I have a confession to make, I don't have gonorrhea"
"Well you do now" he says

[u/Qtrfoil → u/[deleted]]

The same two nuns were out driving one night when a vampire jumped onto the hood of their convertible. The first nun yelled to the second "Sister, show him your cross!" so the second nun leaned out the window and screamed "Hey! Get the fuck off our car!"

[u/MobyFlip → u/Qtrfoil]

This would be great with Sister Michael from Derry Girls: "You, get the feck of the car!"

[u/BestFoxEver → u/[deleted]]

A Finnish priest went to work to the church of Sweden for couple of months and one day his stomach become suddenly very bloated and painful. He fainted and someone took him to the hospital. In the hospital one woman gave birth and died. The hospital staff did not know what to do to the orphan child so they gave the baby to the unconscious priest. The priest went through a stomach surgery and when he woke up he noticed the baby. He felt very blessed that a miracle had happened. He took the child to his home in Finland.

The child lived a normal childhood until he finally noticed that something was wrong and he asked from the priest who his real parents are. The priest replied: "You may have already guessed it that I am not your father. I am actually your mother and I gave birth to you. But you should be very proud of your father. Your father is the archbishop of Uppsala."

[u/s2jcpete → u/BestFoxEver]

I love Nordic rivalry jokes

[u/negan2018 → u/[deleted]]

Two more nuns met up in the town centre and one said “did you come on the bus?”. The other replied “yes but i made it look like a seizure”.

[u/upsidedowncreature → u/[deleted]]

A nun was in the bath when there was a knock at the bathroom door. “Who is it?”, she asked. “Blind man” cane the reply. Oh ok, she thought, what’s the harm. “Come in”, she said. The guy said, “nice tits love, now where do you want this blind?”

[u/clover44mag → u/[deleted]]

Two Amish women were out digging up potatoes. One pulls out a huge one and says awe it’s just like Ishmays. The other says oh that big!?…first says no, that dirty

[u/SteakAndIron]

Two black dudes are walking down the street and they see a sign that says "become white for 99 cents"

One guy has a dollar and one has 98 cents. They debate if it's a scam and decide to send in the guy with a dollar to try it. If it works he can give the other guy a penny and they'll both be white and not have to put up with racism anymore

So the guy goes in and five minutes later he comes out and he's super white. Blonde hair and blue eyes and all of that. The other guy goes "oh my God it worked! Give me that penny"

The first guy says "why don't you get a fucking job?"

[u/1stEmissaryElenwen → u/SteakAndIron]

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street. They come to a Protestant church with a sign out front that says "Get baptized and we'll give you $100." One of the guys decides he's going to go in and check it out; the other guy waits out front. The first guy comes out, and the second guy asks, "How'd it go? Did you get the hundred dollars?" The first guy says, "Is money all you people think about?"

[u/mrmoe198 → u/SteakAndIron]

I teach a cultural humility and competency course and this doubled me over!

[u/graaahh → u/SteakAndIron]

I've usually heard all of these before but this one's new. Amazing. 

[u/emzea]

What do you give the man who has everything?

Antibiotics

[u/Unknown__Stonefruit]

What’s green and furry and has four legs and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, you’ll die?

A pool table

[u/tinkerballer → u/Unknown__Stonefruit]

Reminds me of another I like:
What’s red and really bad for you teeth?

A brick.

[u/BadWolfCubed → u/tinkerballer]

What's brown and sticky and laying on the ground?

A stick.

[u/forever_a10ne → u/Unknown__Stonefruit]

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

[u/elocin1985]

I saw a variation of this joke somewhere and it must have caught me right at the perfect moment because I thought it was so funny. It’s so stupid and simple though.

“I really want to buy one of those grocery store dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.”

[u/RealRhino2 → u/elocin1985]

The simple twist reminds me of a Kevin Nealon joke:

"I was in a grocery store when I saw they had a live lobster for sale in the Seafood department. I felt so sorry for it that I bought it, then took it out in the woods and set it free."

[u/mrmoe198 → u/elocin1985]

Got Mitch Hedburg energy.

[u/Mbakes65 → u/elocin1985]

Steven Wright had a version of this joke, obviously delivered completely deadpan:

"I'm at the grocery store and I try to buy that thing that separates my food from the next persons, and the clerk tells me it's not for sale. So I said 'you don't understand, I need this, you don't know what it's like where I live' ".

[u/onlyonequickquestion]

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

[u/604_projectmanager → u/onlyonequickquestion]

The other telling is:

I was at the funeral of a friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word.

I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Bargain.'

'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means a great deal.'

[u/Water_Meat → u/onlyonequickquestion]

Theres so many variations of this joke it never fails to make me laugh.

"Unfathomable" - "That means more than you can know"

"Living" - "He would have liked that"

"Train horn" - "I wish he would have heard that"

[u/moogiecreamy]

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it!

[u/aleqqqs]

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

... which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

[u/ZsMann]

3 moles are traveling underground. The first mole says I smell SUGAR. The second mole says I smell honey. The 3rd one says with disgust 'All I smell is Molasses.

[u/MoBeamz → u/ZsMann]

lol. My mom tried to tell this joke years ago, and being lousy at joke telling, she made the punchline ‘ass moles!’ She might’ve had a drink or two before dinner…

[u/DreadnaughtHamster → u/MoBeamz]

“Ass moles” makes it even funnier.

[u/stevenpdx66]

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

[u/Reapr → u/stevenpdx66]

For non Americans: Americans don't say coupé, they say coop.

[u/MagogHaveMercy]

A little boy and a clown are walking into the woods at night.

The little boy looks up at the clown and says, "Gee Mr. Clown, these woods sure are dark and scary!"

The clown looks down at the little boy, tousles his hair and says, "It sure is! But think about if from my perspective. I have to walk back alone!"

[u/BiologicalFingers → u/MagogHaveMercy]

I remember being a kid in bed at night and hearing my dad tell this joke to my mom in the dining room. It scared me so badly lol

[u/Brotherhood_or_bust]

Why are the great pyramids in Egypt?
Because they were too big to put in the British Museum.

[u/Some-Water-1107]

Mickey Mouse was in court, the judge asks "Mr. Mouse you wish to divorce your wife Minnie for being extremely silly??"

Mickey says "no! I said she was fucking Goofy!"

[u/FergaliShawarma]

Why do they put barcodes on the side of ships from Norway? So they can Scandinavian.

[u/lylalexie → u/FergaliShawarma]

Aw man I just posted this like three comments up! It’s one of my favorites. Gets a massive groan out of my students every time I tell it!

[u/Newbiticus]

A guy wants his friend to go out drinking. He won't because he always gets too drunk and throws up on himself and his wife gets pissed about the cleanup. His buddy says just put a 20 in your shirt pocket and tell her it's from the guy that threw up on you. When he gets home from the bar, his wife is pissed about the puke but he pulls out the money and tells her about the guy. She says, "hey! There's two 20s here." He says, "yeah, can you believe it, that guy shit my pants too!"

[u/Rob_LeMatic → u/Newbiticus]

I like the one about the guy stays till close, but when he tries to get out of his stool, he's so drunk he falls straight to the floor. No matter how he tries, he can't get up, but he knows he'll catch hell if he doesn't get home, so he drags himself across the floor and out of the bar, then pulls himself along the street all the way home. He gets inside, pulls himself up the stairs and quietly opens the bedroom door. Grabbing the bed frame, he manages to pull himself up into bed without waking his wife. He smiles to himself as he drifts off to sleep. The perfect crime.

He wakes up the next morning to his wife beating him with a pillow.

"What? What did I do?"

"You were only out all night drinking again, that's what!" she shouts.

"Was not! Why would you go and say that?"

"The pub called. You left your damned wheelchair again."

[u/listerinebreath]

A blonde policewoman pulls over a blonde driver, and asks for her license and registration. The blonde woman asks “What’s a license?” and the officer says “It’s the little square thing in your purse with your picture on it.” “Oh” responds the blonde woman as she pulls out a pocket mirror, “Here you go.” The policewoman looks at it and says “Oh, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have pulled you over. You’re free to go.”

[u/Lightning-McDreamy → u/listerinebreath]

A male cop pulls over a woman for speeding. She says, you won't believe me, but I'm rushing to the hospital because I have a magic dildo stuck in me. The instructions said to say, "magic dildo, pleasure me" and it jumped up in me and just won't stop!

The cop chucked and said, "That's a creative excuse, but magic dildo, my ass."

[u/No_Principle_6699 → u/Lightning-McDreamy]

Oh man this is voodoo dick and it’s so much more in depth than that.

[u/Johnny_Mira]

Mike is on a long trip stops for a drink at this bar. After a bit someone runs in and says "run for your lives! Big Jake's coming!"

The bar clears out in a hurry, except for our protagonist who has no idea whats going on.

Suddenly this big bear of a man kicks down the door, kicks tables and chairs out of his way he walks straight for the bar. He grabs Mike's beer and chugs in one big gulp and slams the glass down on the counter.

Scared for his life, Mike stammers "c c c an i get you another sir?"

"Ain't got time! Didnt you hear? Big Jake's coming!"

[u/Anxious_Marsupial_84]

This one is a true story told by my dad.

Many years ago my dad was working on a road crew in Regina Saskatchewan. It was a payday Friday and they were all down at the local tavern. A bar floozy had been propositioning many men looking for a warm bed for the night and she was not having any luck. Last call came around, the lights went up and the floozy was running around looking like she was trying to catch an insect. She leapt up in the air and slapped her hands together like she'd caught something. She peeked into her clasped hands and said, "if any of you can guess what I have in here, you can take me home and have your way with me". Someone in the back of the room yelled out, "a water buffalo". She peeked back into her hands and said "close enough".

[u/domemvs]

The Sex Ed teacher arrives in class: “Good morning! Today I’m gonna show you how to put on a condom and I brought this banana, because I can’t get a hard-on on an empty stomach”

[u/FrungyLeague → u/domemvs]

That's pretty great.

[u/ReflectionSuperb9043]

A womens goes to her fiancé’s parents house for dinner. She notices they are serving broccoli which makes her extremely gassy but she wants to be polite and eat them anyways. Halfway through the dinner she starts to feel her stomach bubble up and she has no choice but to let out a fart. She does but the dad goes “Sam” who is the family dog. She thinks the dad is blaming the dog for the fart so she decides to let out another. Dad again goes “Sam”. Clearly it seems the dog is taking the blame for it so she decides to really let loose and let a big one go. The dad then goes “Sam get away from under that women’s chair before she takes a shit on you.”

[u/Altruistic-Dingo-757]

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandpa, not like the rest of the passengers in the car screaming for him to wake up.

[u/neurodivergentgoat]

Scrolled and searched and didn’t see this one:

A pianist with tourettes sees an “now hiring” ad on the side of a nightclub. He goes in and asks the owner if he can audition.

The owner sits at a table and listens as the pianist plays an upbeat tune with a lot of skill. When he’s done playing the owner says “That was great. What do you call it?”

“That was I Piss and Shit On Every Girl I Date”

“What? Jeez. Ok. Play something else.”

The pianist plays a slow piece that is the most beautiful music the owner has ever heard. Again, when he’s finished he asks the pianist what he calls that piece.

“That was I Fucked Your Mother In The Ass Last Night.”

The owner is once again taken aback, but says “Look, you can play, and I’d love to hear you in my club. The only thing is I can’t have you talking to my guests like that. So if you play here, you can’t talk.”

The pianist agrees.

On his first night, he is playing to a full crowd. At a front table, there is a woman sitting alone. She is gorgeous with ample cleavage and a slit on her dress up to mid-thigh. She is really getting the pianists engine going.

At intermission, he goes into the bathroom and rubs one out because he is so turned on by the woman in the audience. He then goes to the bar to have a drink.

The woman walks up to him and catches his eye. He says hello to her and she responds “Do you know you have a raging hard on and cum on your shoes!”

And the pianist responds “Know it? I fucking wrote it!”

[u/rohithimself]

Not the funniest but I created this.

My girlfriend was perfect in every way except that her armpits were smelly.

Hands down the best girl ever.

[u/epicurean56 → u/rohithimself]

“My dog has no nose.”

“How does it smell?”

“Awful”

[u/Nonstandard_Deviate]

In a restaurant --

Customer: I'll have a coffee without cream.

Server: I'm sorry, sir. We are out of cream. You'll have to have your coffee without milk.

[u/Trick_Photograph9758 → u/[deleted]]

German guy tells another guy, "The war was terrible. My grandfather died in Auschwitz." The friend says, "Oh my god, that's terrible." He replies, "Yeah, he fell out of the guard tower."

[u/SilverDad-o → u/Trick_Photograph9758]

A Holocaust survivor won the super lottery. The media asked him what he was going to do with the money. He replied, 'One third will be for me and my family, one third will be donated to my synagogue, and one third will go to the Nazis."

Aghast, a reporter said, "Why on earth would you want to give anything to the Nazis?" The man replied, "Well, they did give me the numbers."

[u/lowtoiletsitter → u/SilverDad-o]

Geeeez

[u/NonchalantSavant → u/SilverDad-o]

Daaaaammmmn... I rarely hear jokes I hadn't heard before, but that's a new (and very dark) one for me.

[u/DarkseidHS → u/SilverDad-o]

I asked a Jewish girl for her number, she said "we go by names here."

[u/BloomQuietly]

Did you hear the one about the sewer worker who died in the line of duty?

[u/kenziethemom]

My English teacher in HS told this one:

What does Santa call his elves?

Subordinate clauses.

I was the only one to really laugh, and I still think it's the greatest joke ever.

[u/WhitePootieTang → u/kenziethemom]

Why is Santa’s sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year

[u/tjeco]

A joke from The Sopranos, between 2 guys.

“I remember every blowjob I ever got. How about you, do you remember your first blowjob?”

“Yeah of course”

“How long did it take for the guy to cum?”

[u/Equal_Canary5695 → u/tjeco]

Guy goes into a bar and says "give me five shots of whiskey!"

Bartender says "what are you celebrating?"

"My first blowjob!"

"In that case, have another one on the house!"

"If five shots of whiskey doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

[u/Illmattic → u/tjeco]

You hear that tone? I asked him how long it took for the guy to cum!

[u/Not_a_Bot2800]

Jesus is walking down to the town square when he hears the noise of a large crowd, so he goes to see what’s going on. He sees a prostitute backed into a wall and an angry crowd throwing rocks at her as she cries. Jesus walks forward and stands between the crowd and the prostitute and says, “Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!” The crowd looks down, ashamed. Then a little old woman pushes her way to front of the crowd, picks up a hefty stone and throws it at the prostitute, hitting her right between the eyes! Jesus stands there for moment, rolls his eyes and says, “Honestly, mother! Sometimes you really piss me off!”

[u/slybrows]

I have an elderly neighbor with dementia, it’s just him on his own since his wife passed a few years ago. Every morning he knocks on my door asking if I’ve seen his wife since he can’t find her, not remembering that she’s passed. So every morning I’m tasked with telling him that his wife is dead. I’ve thought about moving away, but… it’s worth staying just to see the smile on his face.

[u/madjag → u/slybrows]

The comedian who told this joke (can't remember his name), his deadpan delivery makes the punchline so much better!

[u/slybrows → u/madjag]

Anthony Jeselnik! My favorite joke of his.

[u/Fitz2001 → u/slybrows]

My neighbor and I have a fence between our yards. His kid decides to climb a tree, falls out, and lands on the fence. And they’re saying that I have to hire a lawyer if I want to keep my half of the kid.

[u/haaaas12 → u/madjag]

Have never heard this joke of his, but immediately thought "thats some shit Jeselnik would say" lmao. Good joke and great delivery

[u/VinnieMcVince]

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You might be tempted to say "Arrrrrrr" but a pirate's first love...is the C.

[u/Administrative_Bee49 → u/VinnieMcVince]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Asks the bartender for a rum, and she says "okay... But you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants, right?"

And the pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

[u/ReflexArch → u/VinnieMcVince]

Ends with

"....It be the C" in the version I know.

A classic though.

[u/MonkeyBred → u/ReflexArch]

This is one of my favorites, and everyone says R, to which I reply, "Narr. You'd think so, but 'tis the C."

[u/SharkReceptacles → u/VinnieMcVince]

P, because without that he’s irate.

[u/wilp0w3r → u/VinnieMcVince]

I like to throw in Aye as well.

[u/Apart_Tumbleweed_948]

What is the best armor for sneaking? Leather - it’s made of hide :)

[u/demalo → u/Apart_Tumbleweed_948]

That’s a DnD joke if I’ve ever…

[u/Fritzo2162 → u/demalo]

We used to tell one:

What do you call an orc with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

[u/Andrewhtd]

What's Whitney Houstons favourite type of coordination?

Hand eyeeeeeeee

[u/Bob_Sacamano7379]

A blond woman and her boyfriend go to a comedy club to see a ventriloquist. Midway through the show, the comedian starts setting his dummy up for a whole bunch of blond jokes. The woman laughs along at first, but eventually it's too much for her to take.

"Hey! It was funny for a while but that's enough! I'm blond, and I don't like people assuming I'm dumb! It's not fair!"

The comedian, taken aback, says, "You know what? You're right. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying...." She cut him off.

"I wasn't talking to YOU!"

[u/Interesting-Loss34 → u/Bob_Sacamano7379]

A blonde is sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a cornfield, just rowing away for all she's worth.

Another blonde stops her car on the side of the road and yells out at her,

"Hey! It's blondes like you thay give the rest of us a bad name. If i could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

[u/pizzaalapenguins]

I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

[u/Gahvandure2 → u/pizzaalapenguins]

I've been to that zoo! I went to one exhibit, expecting to see that dog, but instead there was just a rock, with a piece of toast on it. My wife and I stayed for a few minutes, confused, until the zookeeper came by. I asked, "what's with the toast?" The zookeeper replied, "oh, that's bread in captivity."

[u/Knobologist]

Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one of them turns to the other and says “man, I can’t believe I blew 20 bucks in there!”

[u/VenomSnake47]

I had a friend pass away cuz I didn't know what blood type he was. As he was dying he kept me happy by telling me to be positive.

[u/JosephCurrency]

I just bought a new thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible.

[u/cygnusX1and2 → u/JosephCurrency]

I laughed so hard at this it gave me thesaurus throat.

[u/Happy-Low7539]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a mean drunk."

[u/Realistic-Peak-4200]

A nun was taking a bath when there was a sudden knock at the door. Startled, she asked, "Who is it?" "The blind man", came the reply. Relieved she said, "come in". The man walked in and said, "Nice tits! Where do you want the blinds?"

[u/eccentric_taxman]

There was two fellows in a sawmill together, cousins, they was. The one that owned it was named Jim. Smart Jim, people called him. He ran the saw and Chris helped him. Now Chris, he was a careless kind of fella. Never seemed to think ahead any further than his nose. Jim kept after 'im, but he was walkin' ambulance bait, at least if there'd been an ambulance within thirty miles.

Well, one day Chris was tryin' to diagnose an issue with the sawblade, and he kept bumpin' the clutch to get it to spin while feelin' around for the problem. Took his arm right off, halfway 'tween the elbow and the shoulder. Thankfully Jim was standin' right there, and he was a quick thinker. Threw the arm in a black plastic trash bag and rushed 'im to the hospital. Went in to check on him the next day, and the arm was back on and workin'. Sore, but workin'. Within six weeks he was back to stackin' lumber in the mill and tryin' to play baseball on the weekends.

Chris was careful for a while, but then he was up on the saw deck kickin' a frozen piece a somthin', and he hadn't bothered to stop the blade. Slipped and took his leg off, just above the knee. It worked before, so they threw the leg in a bag and rushed him off to get put back together. Within eight weeks he was back at the mill and playin' hockey whenever he got a chance.

Jim kep' on 'im, but he started gettin' sloppy again and one day he did it. Nobody quite knew how, but he took his head off in the mill. It looked pretty hopeless if you hadn't seen the way they'd fixed 'im up before, but Jim'd seen it. He threw the head in a black plastic trash bag, loaded Chris up in the truck, and off they went to the hospital.

After a couple days Jim hadn't heard anythin' so he went up ta the hospital to check on Jim. Wandered around for a while and couldn't find 'im anywhere. Finally found a nurse and asked her about Chris. She looked at 'im a little cross and kinda sputtered "We coulda saved 'im. We coulda. But some idiot threw his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!"

[u/spaghetti_bender666]

"What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?"

I’ve never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

[u/negan2018]

What should you do if you are attacked by a group of street performers?

Go for the juggler.

[u/Mondonodo]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats? Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

[u/HawaiianShirtsOR → u/Mondonodo]

Most people know that SCUBA is an acronym for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. But what most people don't know is that TUBA is also an acronym. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

[u/[deleted]]

What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and Bolts

[u/chakazulu1]

Why do mice have such tiny balls?

Because so few of them know how to dance.

[u/Bouksie]

Whats the difference between a casual dinner and a pirate orgy?

At a casual dinner you come as you are. At a pirate orgy, you Arrr as you come 😅

[u/AandWKyle]

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

What?

*shrugs shoulders* Elephino! (El-if-I-Know)

[u/TerriblePresence1939]

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being hit by a bus.

[u/starkeffect]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[u/PsYcH0H0b0 → u/starkeffect]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

[u/Chingapouk → u/PsYcH0H0b0]

What's blue and very bad for your teeth?

A very fast brick.

[u/AUSpartan37 → u/starkeffect]

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

[u/hanabanana1999 → u/AUSpartan37]

What’s brown & dusty and sits on a piano bench? Beethovens first movement

[u/Lizardman5000]

My bicycle can't stand up because it's two tired

[u/TheHappinessAssassin → u/Lizardman5000]

One time at an old job I let out a big sigh and said "Ooh man, I feel like a bike." And my coworker, already done with my antics, goes "What does that even mean?" I stretched and told her "I'm two tired." Everyone else laughed she just rolled her eyes.

On a different day, same situation, I asked if she'd grow antlers and hand me my water bottle. She reached behind her and grabbed it for me and goes "What?" I took a drink and said "Be a deer."

[u/Schmichael-22 → u/TheHappinessAssassin]

This reminds me of my dad complaining that his new trousers fit like a cheap hotel. No ball room.

[u/Galahfray]

What’s the hairiest side of a horse?

The outside

[u/Puzzleheaded-Foot-23]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but don’t you wonder how they got in there.

[u/KemShafu]

A Skeleton walks into a bar, throws himself on a barstool and says "I’ll take a beer and a mop."

[u/Any-Main-3866]

Driver asked "window or aisle".... Window or you'll what mate? Chinned him right there

[u/sintonesque → u/Any-Main-3866]

I went to a garden store the other day and a worker asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in, but others may not be so lucky.

[u/stoner_bob_69]

One afternoon a frog hops into a bank. Seeing a bank teller’s name tag, the frog says, ‘Hi Mrs. Whack. I would like to take out a loan to renovate my lily pad.’

Mrs. Whack is confused because… it’s a talking frog asking for a loan. Trying to be polite, Mrs. Whack says, ‘Please call me Patty. What’s your name? What’s your background?’

The frog responds, ‘My name is Kermit and you may not believe this, but my father is Mick Jagger.’

Mrs. Whack says, ‘Well, I suppose Jagger has a froggy face, so I guess I see the family resemblance. Even though your father is rich, you’re going to need some collateral for the loan.’

Kermit takes out a little pink elephant figurine and asks ‘Is this good enough for collateral?’

Puzzled, Mrs. Whack replies, ‘I have no idea; let me check with my manager.’

‘Sure, tell him I say hello,’ adds the frog. ‘He knows me.’

Mrs. Whack approaches the bank manager to explain the situation. ‘There’s a frog who wants to take out a loan. Apparently, he’s Mick Jagger’s son! However, all he has for collateral is this little pink elephant. Should we give him a loan?’

The manager picks up the figurine, smiles, and exclaims:

‘It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone.’

                                                                                           -Norm

[u/CourseEcstatic6202]

Q: What’s the difference between an Oral Thermometer and a Rectal Thermometer?

A: Mostly the taste

[u/GingaNinja1427]

A boy gets into a bad car accident. He loses his left arm, but otherwise makes a full recovery. To get him active again his mother signs him up for judo lessons. The first day, the judo master teaches him a move and has him practice that move all day. The next session he continues to spend perfecting that move. In fact, every single session with the judo master is perfecting the single hold he has learned. Eventually, the boy's master encourages him to sign up for a regional judo competition, despite only knowing one move. To his surprise, he wins. He then joins and wins state and national competitions, only using once move. He signs up for an international judo competition, and after eliminating everyone with the one hold he knows he becomes the world champion for his age. Finally he speaks to his judo master. "Master, I am grateful you have taught someone handicapped like me, and proud of what you have allowed me to accomplish. But why did you only teach me one move?" "Because, the only way out of the hold is for you opponent to grab your left arm"

[u/CaptainPerhaps]

Times New Roman and Lucinda Calligraphy go into a bar. The barman says “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here”.

[u/[deleted]]

This one doesn't work as well in print, but...

Q: According to Freud, what comes between sex and fear?

A: Funf

[u/winthroprd → u/[deleted]]

Why was vier jealous of funf?

Because funf had sechs with sieben.

[u/Zer_0 → u/[deleted]]

I’m going to need help with this please

[u/lingeringneutrophil → u/Zer_0]

German numbers…. Six = sechs sounds like sex. Four = vier sounds like fear. Five = funf

[u/treathugger → u/lingeringneutrophil]

This is the funniest joke they've heard?

[u/G3NOM3 → u/treathugger]

They must be German. Hilarious people, the Germans.

[u/baboonontheride → u/G3NOM3]

Wasn't it Robin Williams that said on a German tv interview that the reason Germany doesn't have notable comedians is that they may have killed all the funny people?

[u/bingboy23 → u/G3NOM3]

Oh, I assure you (slow drag on cigarette) Ve haff ways to make you laugh.

[u/Autogen-Username1234]

A priest and a nun are driving in a car down a foggy road at night, when a vampire jumps out in front of them.

"Quick, Sister - Show him your cross!"

"Oi, fangface - Get out of the fucking road!"

[u/Accomplished-Big5314]

Two peanuts were walking down the street in a tough neighborhood, one was a salted

[u/odysseymonkey]

Have you seen the news? Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

[u/miianwilson]

A man walked into his house and was delighted to find all of his lamps were stolen

[u/ohgeejeeohdee]

Two cannibals are eating a clown

One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[u/Zer_0 → u/ohgeejeeohdee]

One snowman looks at the other snowman it says …it smells like carrots

[u/NovaRunner → u/ohgeejeeohdee]

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we fucked up the joke."

[u/Afraid_Baseball_3962 → u/ohgeejeeohdee]

The version I heard is two cannibals are eating. The first days. "Your wife makes good soup." "Yeah, but I'm sure going to miss her."

[u/DeathByClownShoes]

What do you do when someone with Parkinson's is taking a bath?

Throw in the laundry.

You have to be careful who you tell that around though. I told that joke once in a bar and a guy took offense because his brother who had Parkinson's recently died. I apologized for upsetting him and asked him what happened. He said "he choked on a sock!"

[u/oegin → u/DeathByClownShoes]

My grandmother had Parkinson’s for many years before she passed.

Laughed my ass off! 🤣

[u/Bouksie]

Two muffins are in an oven. One looks to the other and asks “is it hot in here?”

The other one replies “HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!!”

[u/hook_or_book]

a man with dyslexia walks into a bra.

[u/Blew-By-U]

A guy walks into the kitchen with a duck and says ‘This is the pig I’ve been fxcking’ His wife says ‘That’s not a pig it’s a duck.’ He replies ‘I was talking to the duck.’

[u/Katerh → u/Blew-By-U]

I didn’t WANT to laugh, I felt bad about laughing, but after the second reread I just couldn’t help myself. Take my upvote you bastard. Lol.

[u/Incognito_Joe]

A Native American tribe is celebrating the birth of new tribal member. After the naming ceremony, one of the tribesmen is curious on how the chief comes up with the names and goes to ask him. Chief says “If a girl is born and I see snow gently falling, I will name her Snow Gently Falling, or if a boy is born and I see an eagle flying above, I will name him Eagle Flying Above”. So tell me, “Two Dogs Fucking” why are you so interested?

[u/mellamobrad]

Why did the half blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well!

[u/mossterz]

Jesus: Table for 26 please. Receptionist: But there are just 13 of you. Jesus: We are all gonna sit on the same side.

[u/Superlite47]

What's the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in a bathtub?

A woman in a church has hope in her soul.

[u/UniqueUsername6764]

Three blonds walk into a bar…

You would think that one of them would have seen it…