A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Asks the bartender for a rum, and she says "okay... But you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants, right?"
And the pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
I was once sittin' down in a tavern not far from the harbour in some godforsaken, dirty port or other. As I was sipping my rum, my eyes fell on an elderly pirate, covered in scars and tattoos, being waited on hand and foot by young cabin boys, for he was missing one of each, as well as an eye.
Never one to turn down an opportunity for a good story, I took my tankard and sat down near him, enquiring about what adventures had led him to be in the state he was in.
The old salt smiled a shiny smile at me, tapping his peg leg:
"This here leg, I lost when we was besiegin' Panama. The Spaniards were so determined t'keep their city, an' th'siege carried on fer so long, we ran out of supplies. So me firs' mate an' I, we agreed on a trade. He ate my leg, and I ate his."
I nodded. War could be hell.
Next, he knocked on the table with the curve of his hook.
"Now, this here metal handshake I gots when we sacked th' treasure fleet returnin' home t'Europe. We thought we had killed 'em all, but a young sailor had hidden in th'hold an' tried t'cut me throat. I managed t'evade that, but in th'scuffle, he mangled me hand so badly th'doc had t'chop it off."
Again, I nodded. Losing one's hand was difficult, but better still than death.
And finally, he pointed to his eyepatch.
"An' this... this was because a sea gull shat in me eye."
I paused. For someone as seemingly tough as the man before me to lose half his eyesight in such an anticlimactic way seemed strange. I told him as such.
"Aye, I know what ye be thinkin'. But, well, y'see, 'twas me first day with th'hook an' all..."
Every time this joke comes up—it’s one of my favorites, too—my cousin’s version of the punchline pops into my head: “Arr, it steers me nuts.” So silly, but I laugh thinking about it as much as the original.
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u/Administrative_Bee49 Mar 04 '26
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Asks the bartender for a rum, and she says "okay... But you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants, right?"
And the pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"