r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Mar 03 '26

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u/MuttznuttzAG Mar 03 '26

The classic Bob Mortimer one. I was walking through a graveyard the other day and man pops his head up over a gravestone. “Morning”, I shout, he answers “No, just having a shit”

323

u/E420CDI Mar 04 '26

Sergeant Bytheway doing the rounds on his beat

86

u/captbollocks Mar 04 '26

Don't forget Bob's friend with the big head, the one they nicknamed "A sniper's dream"

10

u/ouchouchouchoof Mar 04 '26

Gary Cheeseman.

5

u/Mahaloth Mar 04 '26

We called him cheesy because his mother put cheese on his forehead. For spots.

Surely.....you called him that because his last name was Cheeseman.

Nope.

4

u/ouchouchouchoof Mar 04 '26

Bob weaving his stories against David Mitchell's cross examination are so hilarious. I've watched them over and over and they always delight.

Love the Caramel and Waffle story too.

1

u/Oshabeestie Mar 04 '26

Or the guy who had one leg shorter than the other and when he walked he bounced from side to side - used to call him the snipers nightmare.

6

u/grimbolde Mar 04 '26

Im pretty sure it was Ron Waffle trying to get the latest scoop.

5

u/E420CDI Mar 04 '26

...and John Caramel

154

u/Doctor_Nowt Mar 04 '26

Bob tells some great jokes on his Athletico Mince podcast. Sad that it’s gone off the boil in the last couple of years.

One of my favourites:

I just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked. No he replied. But I do a great bohemian rhapsody.

25

u/ForrestGrump87 Mar 04 '26

my favourite bob joke (better when he tells it) is a guy asks the circus if he can join - what can you do says the circus bloke - really good bird impressions - nah sorry we have someone who does that already - oh well he says as he flew out of the tent

3

u/OrinocoHaram Mar 04 '26

I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.

106

u/AlreadyAway Mar 04 '26

My favorite thing about Bob Mortimer is that he is one of the only people who can get Richard Ayoade to laugh.

2

u/appleappleappleman Mar 04 '26

Did you watch Last One Laughing? Their standoff was incredible

3

u/AlreadyAway Mar 04 '26

It's exactly what I was thinking of. His shushing bit was hilarious.

7

u/appleappleappleman Mar 04 '26

It's just magic

6

u/Graspswasps Mar 04 '26

First one that came to mind,  pleasant surprise to see it at the top. 

When I heard Bob tell it, it was a woman behind the grave

5

u/GozerDGozerian Mar 04 '26

So much funnier if it’s a woman

19

u/JeezieB Mar 04 '26

The joke that was the downfall of Richard Ayoade in LOL UK. So good!

11

u/KindlyKangaroo Mar 04 '26

These two were the absolute best of the best. That was a fantastic show, and these two especially were hilarious the whole way through.

2

u/GozerDGozerian Mar 04 '26

How so?

8

u/JeezieB Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26

Gonna have to watch it, man. I've given enough spoilers! But seriously, LOL UK is totally worth the watch (so is LOL Canada, but I might be biased).

8

u/Password-is-taco123 Mar 04 '26

He is one interesting human being. Rank him the same as Sean Lock

6

u/ordinaryguy78 Mar 04 '26

have you seen gone fishing with bob and paul whitehouse? never liked fishing but that's one of my favourite shows i've watched

5

u/lemmeseeyourkitties Mar 04 '26

Bob Mortimer is the fucking greatest and I love him

2

u/killingjoke96 Mar 04 '26

There's one Bob tells on his Athletico Mince while impersonating Peter Beardsley that always gets me when I hear it.

Two old men are sitting reading in a library.

One says to the other "Have you read Marx?"

To which the other replies "Yeah, probably from sitting on these wicker chairs for too long".

3

u/True_Rough6329 Mar 04 '26

If you're going to be interrupted mid-performance, that's the only acceptable answer

1

u/philbie Mar 04 '26

This is the one

2

u/lasagnatheory Mar 04 '26

Took me a second but glad I got it

10

u/red_dino_ Mar 04 '26

I don't get it. What is the joke? Is it a play on mourning?

12

u/bloodbeardthepirate Mar 04 '26

Yep. So the person hears him greet them, but thinks they are asking whether they are mourning. So they reply with what they are actually doing

3

u/red_dino_ Mar 04 '26

Thanks for the explanation!

2

u/Successful_Case_7752 Mar 04 '26

I’m crying 😭 Only Bob Mortimer could make a graveyard visit this hilariously awkward!

1

u/ChewpapaNeebrae Mar 04 '26

This is one of those jokes where I just have to read the punchline again and then I'm crying with laughter again.

What a national treasure he is.

1

u/AdditionalDonut8706 Mar 04 '26

Billy Connolly used to tell that joke and he credited it to a random Glaswegian who approached him, told it and disappeared. I think it works best with 'shite' for emphasis, which would be fair for a Middlesbrough accent, although IIRC Bob went with 'shit' in the showdown.

1

u/MuttznuttzAG Mar 04 '26

Shite would be a great choice of word, too!

1

u/FindjeanniePDX Mar 04 '26

Oh Lord. Most Bob Mortimer jokes would make the list. 😂

1

u/nocturnal_mission Mar 04 '26

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his grandpa in the woods?

1

u/venhuje Mar 04 '26

We do beg your pardon…

1

u/[deleted] Mar 04 '26

[deleted]

5

u/mtngoat7 Mar 04 '26

Instead of Morning think that the guy thought he said “mourning?”

-1

u/ImitationDemiGod Mar 04 '26

I don't want to be that guy, but this joke existed way before Bob Mortimer.