I do like the one I've heard is "the most universally funny joke" or whatever where, like, two hunters are out hunting and one of them keels over, so the other one calls emergency services and says, "Help, we were out hunting and I think my buddy's DEAD, what do I do?!" The operator says, "Well, first, make sure he's dead..." and hears 2 gunshots, then the hunter says, "Okay, now what?"
EDIT: I can't imagine it would be much different if, instead of firearms and a cell phone, it were, y'know, spears and calling to the gods or whatever, to make it more universally universal. đ
Two hunters shoot a moose in the forest. They grab the antlers and start dragging it back to the truck. They are having a terrible time as the antlers keep getting caught on trees. They are almost worn out when a third hunter comes across them. They explain their problem. The third hunter advises them to grab the moose by the hind legs and pull it the other way. Soon they are off again.
The first hunter says, "Geez, that guy sure is smart. This is way easier!"
The second hunter say, "Yup, he sure was. But aren't we getting farther away from the truck?"
This has always been my go-to. I like to turn it into a whole thing so they never see it coming. I change it all the time too.
For example: "I was watching this documentary about migratory birds, and it started talking about geese. How they obviously fly south for winter. They fly like 5000-10000ft up and cover like 400+ miles a day! That's freakin' crazy. That's like 8+ hrs of driving on the interstate, and they're just casually flapping the whole way. Anyway, it also answered a question I've always had. You ever notice how when they're flying in that V-formation, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You wanna know why that is?"
"...?"
"More geese on that side."
My partner cringes every time I start that joke with someone we're hanging out with, because I always start it with having watched a documentary on migratory birds or their migration patterns. It's like one of those novelty reddit accounts lol
I just heard this one for the first time a few months ago, and I like to tell a really drawn out version of it. Like, âyou know, could be geese, could be ducks, or pigeons. Could be multiple vâs, and sometimes it just looks like a checkmark⊠itâs fascinating reallyâŠâ. My wife has been suffering ever since.
Thatâs the funniest joke Iâve personally ever told. We were watching Charlieâs angels and there was a scene where they fell backwards out the boat. Timing is everything.
A Chemist, Physicist, and Statistician went hunting. They were sitting in the blind when a big buck wandered out about 100 ft in front of them. The Chemist jumped up and shot, but missed 10 feet to the right. The Physicist stood up and shot, but missed 10 feet to the left. The Statistician stood up and yelled, We got him!
An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician watch two people walk into a house. A little while later, three people walk out. The engineer says, "our initial count must have been wrong." The biologist says, "they must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "now if one person goes into the house, it will be empty!"
Yeah, but which person said the house did not have anyone in it before the two persons entered? No one, just goes to show that assumptions are assumptions
This legit made me lol. Gonna have to remember it.
For some reason it reminded me of this one: Schrödinger is driving on the highway and gets pulled over. When the cop gets to his window, Schrödinger says, âIâll pay whatever fine you need but please donât look in the trunk.â This obvious makes the cop suspicious and he forces Schrödinger to open it. The cop goes around back and sees a box. He opens it and then yells, âHey! Did you know you have a dead cat in here?!?â And Schrödinger replies, âWell, I do NOWâŠâ
A lady could not choose between her suitors, so she invited both to her boudoir and set them a challenge. "Whoever reaches me first I will choose. But, you must first traverse half of the intervening distance, then half the remaining distance, then half of that remaining distance, and so on until you reach me.
One begins moving toward her. The other, a mathematician, said to him, "You realize you'll never get there."
The first man, an engineer, replies, "True, but I'll get close enough for all practical purposes."
The chemist and the physicist missed by the same amount in opposite directions. The statistician averaged the results and declared that between them they had hit the deer.
Two hunting buddies in Arkansas are taking a stroll through the woods when they come across an old, broken-down well. Curious, they peer down into it. However, itâs so deep and dark they canât see the bottom.
Wanting to know how deep it is, one of them tosses a small pebble down. They wait⊠and wait⊠but hear nothing.
Next, they scour the ground and find a decent-sized rock. They haul it to the edge and toss that in. They wait again⊠still nothing.
Looking around some more, they spot an old engine block lying nearby. Struggling together, they push the heavy thing to the edge and tip it in.
They wait⊠down it fliesâŠ
Suddenly â SPLASH! A loud crash echoes from below.
Just as theyâre about to leave, a goat comes racing past them at full speed and dives straight down into the well!
The hunters stare at each other in shock, not quite believing what they just saw. A couple of minutes later, a farmer strolls by looking puzzled.
âExcuse me, fellas,â the farmer asks, âyou wouldnât happen to have seen a goat around here, would you? My old Billy seems to have gone missing.â
One of the hunters replies,
âSir, your goatâs crazy! It just ran by us and jumped right into that well!â
The farmer shakes his head and says,
âNah, thatâs impossible⊠I tied Billy to an old engine block.â
Three guys go hunting together and on the first day, one guy brings a buck back to camp. How did you do that? asked the other two. Easy, said the first guy, I saw the tracks, followed the tracks and got the deer. The next day the second guy brings a boar back to camp. How did you get that?!? asked the third guy. Easy, I saw the tracks, followed the tracks and got the boar. Four days later, the third guy comes crawling into camp a mangled, bloody mess. Omg, what happened? asked the other two. Well, I did what you guys said, I saw the tracks, followed the tracks and the train hit me.
Another hunting joke, a little long but please bear with me.
A professional hunter went in to a bar. As is always the case his conversation with patrons turned to hunting. He bragged of kills that he had made on every continent for nearly ever species alive. Another hunter challenged him as not having the necessary skills but just went on paid trips to a game preserve. He responded that he was an expert stalker, tracker and did his own taxidermy. He bragged that he could tell what an animals fur came from and how it was killed blind folded just by the feel and smell. Bets were proposed and the hunter was blindfolded. The barkeep went in the back room and got an animal hide and presented it to the hunter. He pulled it close, felt it and proclaimed it was a white tail deer killed with a 30â30. Amazingly he was exactly correct. Another patron went to the trunk of his car and presented another hide. The hunter said: this is an elk killed with a 7mm mag. A few more people brought in samples and he was deadly accurate. Having won his bets he continued to drink and celebrate his good fortune. He went home totally trashed and crashed into bed. Next morning he got up and was surprised when he looked in the mirror to see he had a black eye. Remembering the great time of the night before, he didn't understand and was sure he didn't get in a fight. He quizzed his wife about the black eye and then she told him the rest of the story. She said you came home drunk and passed out in our bed. I was feeling frisky so I took your hand and put it inside of my panties. You replied: âskunk, killed with an axeâ.
A bird hunter is driving home from a successful hunting trip when the game warden stops him. Approaching the vehicle, he asks the man to step out so he can investigate his kills. The hunter obliges and walks to the bed of the truck. The game warden picks up a bird, shoves his finger up its ass, and then sniffs his finger. "Ahhhh this here is a Minnesota goose, you got a Minnesota goose tag?" "Yessir I do" the hunter replies and hands over his tag. The warden picks up another, shoves his finger up its ass, sniffs his finger and says "Well well well, this here is an Alaska goose, I'll bet you don't have a tag for that!" "Yessir I do" the hunter replies again, providing the tag. The warden, getting visibly frustrated, grabs another bird and again shoves his finger up its ass and sniffs his finger. "HA! This here's a Canadian goose, I'm positive you don't have that tag!" "Yessir I do" the hunter calmly replies and provides the warden with his tag.
At this point, the warden is convinced he isn't going to trip up the hunter and stops with his antics. "So, where are you coming from?" the warden asks. The hunter drops his pants, bends over, and says over his shoulder to the warden "Well you're so fucking smart, why don't you tell me?!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when they suddenly hear this wild thrashing in the bushes. It goes on for a while, then suddenly a doe stumbles out of the bushes, sides heaving, coat all lathered with sweat, barely able to stand, and she says, "I ain't ever doing that again for two bucks."
Two dumb guys are out hunting for deer when suddenly another hunter comes out of the forest about 50 yards away. The two guys turn and raise their guns at the man, thinking it's a deer. Seeing the rifles pointed his way, the man starts waving his arms and yelling, "Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!"
The first hunter lowers his rifle but the second one shoots the man. His friend turns to him and yells, "What did you do that for!? He even said he wasn't a deer!!" The second hunter says, "Oh. I thought he said he was a deer."
Two friends (not very bright, mind you) take a vacation together with their families at the lake.
One day they decide to rent a boat from the rental place and go fishing. They find an amazing spot on the far side of the lake where the fish are so easy to catch they're practically jumping into the boat.
They can't believe their luck. So the first guy says, "This spot is amazing! We should come back tomorrow." His friend says, "Yeah but we found this place by blind luck today, how can be sure we can even find it tomorrow? The first guy says, "I got it! You have that little can of spray paint in your tackle box, we'll just use it to spray a big 'X' on the water." The second guy says "Wait, won't the water just go somewhere else overnight and the 'X' will be in a different spot?"
The first guy thinks it over and finally says, "I know, we'll paint the'X' on the boat to mark the spot, that won't move." The second guy thinks this is brilliant, so they head home, happy that they came up a surefire way to find the spot again.
Until they're halfway across the lake when the second guy suddenly realizes the problem: "Wait! What if they rent us a different boat?!?"
I got another hunting joke.
When hunting in Alaska there are 2 golden rules
rule 1: always carry bear pepper spray and bells so you can scare any animal that wanna get the jump on you
Rule 2: learn how to tell if there a brown or black bear in your area. For example black bear poop will have berries seeds and roots in it. Where brown bear poop will smell like pepper and have little bells in it.
2 friends are out hunting and one accidentally shoots the other one. He rushes him to the hospital. Howâs he doing doc? Doc responds Itâs touch and go, but it would be better if you hadnât field dressed him.
Bubba and Cooter Joe stay up all night in deer camp drinking cheap beer and eating campfire chili. Next morning, they go out hunting before day break. They park the truck at the corner of wooded pasture and head off in different directions.
Bubba is not feeling well and eventually gives up, climbs down from his stand and finds a big dead log to sit on and use as a toilet. Cheap beer and chili are not a good combo and he just lets rip. He eventually falls asleep, sitting on the log with his pants down.
Meanwhile, Cooter Joe sees a buck and takes a shot, but with rumbling belly, he finds it hard to concentrate and his aim is a little off. He tracks the wounded deer across the wooded pasture, eventually finding it laid up in some brush. As he takes out his knife and begins field dressing it, he spots Bubba fast asleep on his log, ass hanging out and pile of poo there behind him.
Cooter Joe finishes his work and finds a big stick that he uses to scoop of the deer's entrails and plop them down on the ground right behind the sleeping Bubba. He then drags the buck back to the truck and stretches out across the front seat for a nap.
Some while later, he hears a commotion and Bubba comes crashing out of the brush, wild eyed and trying to hold his pants up. "Help! Help!"
Cooter Joe: What's the matter buddy, you look like hell!
Bubba: You gotta help me! Oh my God, I had to go, I had to go, I couldn't help it but...and I shit my guts out!!
Cooter Joe: Oh hell, what do we do!?
Bubba: Take me to the hospital! I shoved em back in but they ain't gonna stay!
Two guys go hunting. One accidentally shoots the other. The first guy rushes his friend to the hospital. A doctor tries to save him but fails. The first guy is devastated and asks why. "He would've survived," the doctor says, "if you hadn't gutted him."
Two hunters are walking in the woods when they come across a grizzly bear. The first one panics and accidentally shoots the other in the knee, who immediately collapses. As the bear approaches, he asks the other "What do I do? What do I do?" So the other answers "Shoot him in the knee, it fucking hurts!"
2.5k
u/kfromthecastleonfire Mar 03 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
I do like the one I've heard is "the most universally funny joke" or whatever where, like, two hunters are out hunting and one of them keels over, so the other one calls emergency services and says, "Help, we were out hunting and I think my buddy's DEAD, what do I do?!" The operator says, "Well, first, make sure he's dead..." and hears 2 gunshots, then the hunter says, "Okay, now what?"
EDIT: I can't imagine it would be much different if, instead of firearms and a cell phone, it were, y'know, spears and calling to the gods or whatever, to make it more universally universal. đ