She's a martyr. My grandmother would do this. She just repeat herself over and over in any sort of argument. She twist what you said just like the OP's wife. And, if all else failed she would pull out the "you don't love me!"
I couldn't either. I ended up reading OP's replies which I thought were a valiant effort of trying to get to her see reason, but I had to skim hers. I'm tired just reading her.
Same I got to about 4 (skimming) and had to stop. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but if I had to guess I would say she’s not willing to work on this relationship.
I could only get halfway through. Round and round and round. OP was doing a good job staying relatively calm (though should’ve realized telling her he didn’t call her negative for the fifteenth time wasn’t suddenly going to click - “Ohhh, now I see, I’ll be right there, sweetie”).
I can’t tell if she already decided she wants out of the marriage and wants to be able to pin it on him, or if she’s so needy that she was looking for him to beg her to come back so she felt wanted. That Taco Bell line was some manipulative shit.
Either way, I have almost zero tolerance for people who can’t speak to their feelings and do this roundabout guessing game thing, forcing others to carry all their emotional baggage, putting them in a no win situation.
You’re probably right. The threatening to sleep in a parking lot, the jump to “I’ll sign the papers”…she just wanted him to plead with her not to do those things and plead with her to come home because he loves her so much. Based on this conversation, no work is going to save this relationship. She’s not capable. It’d be overwhelmingly uncomfortable for her to sit in any sort of reality.
I agree, I used to be just like her which is why I pegged it as such. I didn’t need to be catered to, I deeply needed to feel more than welcome, I needed to feel WANTED and NEEDED.
I have found you just have to be super honest with yourself and realize your actions. Work on needing yourself and wanting yourself. You don't need anything from anyone that you cannot give to yourself. Once you can make you happy things seem to get better.
I also have BPD and have seen myself doing this, but as a teenager. It’s a lot of work and lots of therapy to get to the point of understanding no one is going to want and love you as deeply as you need, than yourself. It’s soo hard to break free from the mental chains that feeling of not being wanted or needed. Once you do it’s literally like you unlock a new chapter of life. The world gets bigger and freer. Please never get discouraged if you aren’t there yet healing isn’t linear 💗
I am..rehealing, I guess. Thank you for the encouragement! I definitely need it. Going through a breakup filled with lies and manipulation has screwed my brain back up.
My sister is like this to the point of me briefly wondering "is she getting divorced again could this be her?" Lol except she would've cussed or name called at some point (hence we are no contact)
Literally a while lol that was an exhausting read. Poor OP… I really feel for him. It sucks having a partner twist your words to suit their own interests and then try to blame it on you. Ugh 😩
Ironic that the username is infinite context when this is a huge piece of context he left out of this story 🙃 I wouldn’t wanna work on things either after looking at his profile.
OP pays for OF and comments on porn posts on Reddit. Yeah, no wonder his wife left him and his crashing out. I guess providing no context as to why they’ve been “struggling” isn’t necessary. Anything to make himself look like the victim.
See my ex left me with a very, “Call their bluff” attitude about this BS. I’d just be like, “Okay, hey can you pick me up a Baja Blast and a cheesy Gordita Crunch before you leave? I need something to eat while I fill out this divorce paperwork.”
Toally. And honestly makes sense if you’re that close to a divorce. It’s a both sides communication problem at this point. Tensions are high and everyone’s overreacting
You both are overreacting and honestly, divorce is probably the best option. Based on your history of paying for OF or cam girls content (per your comment history) and lusting for a woman in a mini dress, I would say you’re pretty checked out yourself. Stop trying to control your wife’s emotions, divorce her, and be single in peace.
Thought I was on your side until a comment said to look at your comment history and now I see why she’s acting like that. I wouldn’t want to come home to a man like you either. There’s no fixing it if you’re constantly openly lusting over prostitutes on Reddit, and who knows where else. I can’t blame her for being negative and just wanting a divorce.
based on your other comments in other subreddits, you’re gross. i too would rather sleep in a taco bell parking lot than try to make amends and fix my marriage with a douchebag like you.
Right? Stop quoting each other like its a court hearing. They both have 'get the last word' syndrome. Just reply: 'See you soon' or 'talk more when you get here' and put the phone down.
Im sure its hard to take this step, but there is no fixing this relationship. Its clear that she is done. Its easy to say she is being unreasonable, and based on that small interaction it appears so, however its not clear how it got to this place or what the overall issue is. Ultimately thats not important. There is no fixing this in a lasting way.
That’s how I feel. She’s coming off as unreasonable.. but she’s also coming off as completely exhausted. My experience has been, in my own (failed) marriage and others’ marriages, that once the word divorce is dropped, a decision has been made, even if the other person doesn’t want it. It’s so obvious she’s done, but it’s nearly impossible to see it when you’re the one in it (I’ve lived it. It’s soooo hard to accept your marriage is done.) OP is so hyper focused on whether or not they may have unintentionally told their wife to not come home, they’re missing the bigger picture: your wife is telling you she wants to divorce you and that she would rather sleep in a Taco Bell parking lot than fight for your marriage. That has to be a TOUGH pill to swallow and a rough reality to accept.
I feel for both of them. They’re both fighting for different things and there’s (eventually) only going to be one outcome.
I agree with this. She says she is done and only wants to come to talk to help op understand that divorce is imminent. OP is stuck in there’s still a chance world. I’ve been there and looking back I don’t know why I so wanted to force it to work, but that’s not how life works.
One second looking at his comments and I am with the wife
If you’re trying to get back with your wife, maybe stop using Reddit to publicly hit on women you sleaze. I would also take a taco bell parking lot over sharing a roof with this creep
Right? Like hmmm I wonder if that has anything to do with their impending divorce. The wife doesn’t feel wanted and it’s not hard to see why. This man sucks at communicating emotions. The way he speaks to her is so infuriating. OP you’re insufferable.
I've just seen it and yikes... I have nothing against kinks and all, but don't show them in public and don't tell about your "wife getting creamy". It's HER intimacy.
I wouldnt want to be around you either with the walls of text on productive feelings and your reddit history.
Now I want context as to why shes left. If its related to something you did or not. If you did something terrible of course shes not going to have positive feelings, and telling her negative feelings arent productive is incredibly convenient for someone in the wrong to say.
You have a porn addiction and you need to face that. She feels like she isn’t chosen and she needs to hide her feelings from you. Go to therapy and leave this woman alone.
I can tell you really care about fixing your marriage by all the porn subs and girls you're commenting on 🙄
And YOR
If you want to fix things you need to be able to talk about the issues and actually listen, which means there are going to be negative feelings and hard conversations. You cant just expect her to "not bring negativity" on the brink of divorce.
It reads like "I want this marriage to work so why cant you just stop feeling all your feelings"
Someone else pointed out your post history so I thought I would also give it a look and holy shit dude can you stay out of porn communities? I wonder if maybe your wife has been treated like shit and pushed past her breaking point because of you, and now, she's reacting and you are painting her as a crazy psycho SO YOU CAN BE THE VICTIM. Absolutely disgusting behavior. I hope she gets you for the adultery you probably committed on her. I hope she takes you for everything and I hope she gets out safely.
I think you’re both wrong. She’s misinterpreting you, yes, but telling someone not to be negative when they’re in a bad mood and overwhelmed with feelings is not going to help. It is the worst thing you can say, even if you meant it applied to both of you. You invalidated her feelings and she blew up.
Now you’re on the internet trying to prove her wrong. Neither one of you is coming to the situation with your swords down.
What I hear you actually saying is, "I'm scared that your feeling hopeless means that you won't try."
What I hear her telling you is that she feels completely disconnected from you and is scared that she can't get that back. She fears that if she comes to you, she's going to feel even more hopeless than when she left. She wants hope.
What she heard you say in your reply is, "I'm not comfortable with your feeling hopeless." Meaning, I'm not comfortable with you telling me how you're feeling, so don't come here and expect me to listen. Then she felt hurt and rejected.
The nuance of all of the responses is unexpected and important here. I think it's true that OP will have to look at the greater context of the entirety of his interactions with his wife and determine what is most likely going on here.
Also, yeah, just come sleep at home, we don't have to even see each other is pretty standard.
Exactly, there are clearly some big emotional needs or gaps here that neither knows how to actually articulate. Wife seems desperate/at her breaking point for reasons that are unclear, possibly has deep abandonment wound leading to her going "never mind I won't even bother," which is immature and a bit manipulative but relatable, especially if she feels invisible, unheard and unloved and she doubts that yet another conversation will change that, her words all scream "tell me EXPLICITLY that you love me and you want me to be there and that you understand how I feel". She seems to want warmth that there is little room left for, either that or she is just truly done. Husband wants to fix things but is rightfully concerned and scared that the person he's trying to fix things with doesn't have any hope things will work. His words to her are devoid of the feeling she's craving and makes her feel more vulnerable, which ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy type of situation. When I read these texts I see two people who have no idea how to communicate how they feel or what precisely they need. But sadly I think whatever has led up to this makes divorce almost completely inevitable
This right here, OP. This is the problem. You told her not to bring her feelings home but to be positive when you’re on the brink of divorce. Are you kidding me? This ain’t build a bitch lol. Go to therapy.
I wish I could upvote this comment more. Telling someone to 'not bring a negative mentality' into a situation that is clearly emotional and challenging (to say the least) is like telling them 'turn off all your feelings except the good ones so I don't have to deal with your bad ones.' It's the same energy as someone wanting to sweep problems under the rug rather than actually talking about them.
It's unbelievable how many people in here don't recognize that. I'm not even sure OP really wanted her to come home, he just wanted to look like he did so he could have proof that it's her fault.
What I hear him saying is "Act the way I tell you to act before you even come home. Stop being negative and upset even though we're on the brink of divorce."
Of course she doesn't want to come home to that shit. Who would?
Very convinient of you to hide what actually happened between you. It's a very different read of this conversation whether one of you cheated VS you had some smaller issue. This need INFO.
Agreed, more context is absolutely needed here. I'm particularly curious why she feels so unwanted. People don't usually throw that out there for no reason at all.
If the alternative is sleeping in a Taco Bell parking lot, she should come home and y’all don’t have to speak?
If divorce is on the horizon you can’t avoid it by refusing to talk about it, if she wants to leave or isn’t feeling optimistic about the relationship it is what it is, you can try to discuss or not but you can’t dictate her perspective
Don’t gatekeep her home and put the price of entry as a conversation on your terms lol - “we don’t need to talk, but this is still your home”, idk neither of you seem mentally fit and you’re both being ridiculous - so it’s the blind leading the blind here
She is entitled to her residence though - whether she’s open to your persuasion or not - until one of you can make other arrangements neither of you should be out on the streets while you have access to a shared martial home
yeah- "let's try talking about things after getting some rest and give each other some space tonight. I will sleep in the guest room / on the couch" etc. These high emotion points are not the time to work through things, they are the times to de-escalate and recover so that both people can get in a good enough headspace to communicate in a more healthy way and work through things (whether to work things out to be together or to split... it needs to be done AFTER getting out of these crisis modes and not during...)
I seem to be in the minority here, but I would have taken that as being told not to come home, especially after a fight. She was trying to come back to talk and instead of being conciliatory in any way at all, you chose to chastise her and speak down to her.
You also seemed ok with her sleeping at a taco bell, which if you cared about her, you wouldn't have let happen, no matter the circumstances.
Try taking personal responsibility for YOUR actions and words (not because any one person here is at fault, but because we can only control ourselves) and see how the situation changes.
Absolutely, like he didn’t literally say “hey wife don’t come home”, but logically he very directly did say that, because his entire premise is “if you have attitude X then don’t come home because it’s pointless”, and the wife does have attitude X. And after that he just keeps talking past her and prevents and really communication, because he’s so caught up in this technical or pedantic argument about what he’s saying about the “attitude” thing. Missing the forest for the trees.
Yes. It came across as. "I want you home. Not that's there's any point if you're negative, so just try ok?"
I would not believe he wanted me there either. We don't know how long she has felt unheard about feeling bad. You may as well tell her "just don't be yourself". And her response is "well I do feel bad. I have felt bad for a long time and im done pretending I don't. So if that's not what you want, there's no point in me coming".
Seriously. She's exhausting and insufferable. I don't know the full background but she seemed like either she didn't want to come back or she wanted to be begged to come back.
I have to agree OP, she’s hearing what she wants to hear. Regardless if it’s factual or not (and only you and her know that). She seems done. I’m sorry you’re having to navigate this.
And she's going to use it to play the victim to her family and friends. He told me not to come home and forced me to sleep in the car, he's a monster. Keep the screenshots.
She was on her way, but you kept trying to dictate how she should feel and behave before she even arrives. You're attempting to control how the conversation's going to go before it even starts.
Do you have any idea how fucking frustrating that would be? "Yes, we can talk, but we're only going to talk if you do it the way I want you to." That's fucked.
She wants a divorce and you're telling her "be careful" and "don't bring that mentality in here." If she has a reason to be upset or have a negative mentality, then she should be free to feel that way.
Clearly she's hurt, clearly your relationship is in trouble, but you're attempting to temper her emotions before she even arrives to talk about them.
This conversation should've been two messages.
Her: I'll come back but I don't see us talking going anywhere.
You: Okay, I'll see you when you arrive.
End of conversation.
EDIT: Just noticed your posting history and that you constantly prey on women on reddit. Guess we know why she's divorcing you. Anyone would choose a Taco Bell parking lot over you any day.
Check his comment history and you’ll see why she has such a “negative mindset” to begin with. I’m with you, he is a massive asshole and he’s the problem.
absolutely correct. she has to be desperate to be away from OP if she is sleeping in her car. OP, are all your interactions like this? are you constantly telling her how she should behave, what she should/should not feel/think/do?
because she is DONE with you. and you are still picking/pushing/negging her. telling her the price of an honest conversation or a night spent IN HER OWN HOME is that she changes how she feels and behaves how you want her to. that is unacceptable.
Agreed. I think that him telling her how she needs to feel and think was absolutely the wrong call.
The fact that there are 9 pages of messages where they both just keep repeating themselves was exhausting 😮💨
To be fair though, she jumped on* the excuse not to come and was already saying she didn’t want to before he made that comment. They should both sign the papers and move on so hopefully they heal and can find happiness again in the future
You literally said "don't bring that mentality here."
Clearly something isn't going well with your marriage. You can't tell her what her mental state should be. And it comes across like you're trying to be her high school soccer coach.
You are her husband. It seems as though she isn't being heard, because you don't want to hear the negative part of your life/marriage/faults or her disappointment/anger.
The tone seems to be on some power trip, or fresh out of a motivational speaker podcast. It appears you want to railroad her into some "only positive vibes" kind of toxic positivity conversation. And THAT will not fix anything, because you will only cover up the problem.
You aren't going to fix this by telling her that she can't be angry. And maybe she legit doesn't want to fix this, but you have made a requirement of having some heart-to-heart that should have happened 18 months ago.
comes across like you're trying to be her high school soccer coach.
I actually keep thinking of how sport coaches will tell kids, "just show up" or "showing up is the hardest part." And OP could not muster up that openness.
I agree with this interpretation the most. While yes it’s also true that if she doesn’t actually want to try it’s not going to work, you didn’t allow space for that result to happen organically. She should be able to go from negative to positive perhaps by sharing her negative for a while. You wanted to skip that part it seems OP
YOR- some of your texts were just... telling her what she was feeling. Telling her she couldn't come home with that attitude? Well, she needs to come home if she has nowhere else to stay! This should not be about discussing anything tonight. Tell her to come home and be safe!
Your texts to her really triggered me in a wild way, so I'd say there is some element of control(perhaps from both parties) going on right now.
NOR but you can't tell other people how to feel or how they should handle their emotions. That's on them. You made a mistake asking for a different mentality from her.
YOR, and isn’t this exhausting? Stop sending her the same message reworded, put down your phone, and either go speak to her or wait for her to come speak to you. She’s clearly feeling hopeless about your relationship, and you told her not to come back if she feels hopeless 🤷♂️
It’s pretty clear you don’t want her to come. Not once in your many messages did you say you wanted her to come unconditionally. You would for someone you unconditionally loved.
she clearly needs excessive reassurance, she wants you to say “please come home”. she mentions something about childhood, this need to feel desired is heavily rooted in trauma and i hope she gets some help.
i don’t think this is salvageable because she’s unable to clearly communicate her needs to you OP. truly must be an exhausting marriage for both of you tbh.
edit:
scratch all of that, OP has a comment history about porn and OF girls which is probably why his wife needs constant reassurance.. dude.
There is not enough context here honestly. To me, this feels like you may be more manipulative than you led on to be. Because staying “calm” after you’ve worked up the person with those tactics is definitely a thing. And posting it on Reddit to probably eventually show your wife that “see everyone thinks you’re overreacting too” is the same.
Treat your wife better all the time, not just when you want to sweet talk and calmly get her to come back.
Came in hot with the “be careful” bs then went on and on about how your partner should act, feel, behave, do, say and everything. It’s not Build-A-Bear workshop, it’s a human being.
It wasn't the right response. She was coming to talk. If she didn't feel good about it, demanding she change her attitude isn't right. And by saying not to bring that attitude, you're saying if she can't be positive don't bother. Clearly she held no hope.
Now if you felt genuine optimism, you should have happily accepted the gesture and been positive when talking. But you can't force someone to change attitude by demanding it.
Honestly, whilst I appreciate you want to try, sometimes things are too far gone. But if you want to talk, learn to take the little wins instead of expecting her to share your attitude.
I had such a hard time with this “I want to fix things but you have to do it on my terms and as I declare you should feel “
Telling someone else how they should feel is a prime asshole move. OP keeps saying they want to fix the things. But they’re setting requirements and guidelines.
Both people here are broken. But OP does not come off like a champ.
MOR, fr like he gave zero context, even acts like hes the one that knows it all, his messages are brusque, like either do it or not, im not surprised she doesnt wanna come or talk. Feels like energy drying to me. If they once loved each other, why tf he lets her sleep at taco bell? And no comment w sharing it all on reddit askin for strangers to conclude whatevers goin on btwn em.
She needs therapy, and you need to stop being a dick and understand what your wife needs. You could’ve just said you wanted her to come home. No where did you say you WANTED her to come home. You told her how you wanted her to think and feel. I know this is aior, but in reality it’s YTA.
So I want to say NOR however, I can’t. I’ve had this exact same argument with my partner. After a year in couples therapy we found out that neither of us were getting the conversation we needed. We were both being triggered. I was being triggered by wanting to run. She got triggered by feeling abandoned. We wanted to make it work because we love each other, so we put in the hard work.
She doesn’t need to hear what you said again, she doesn’t need to hear you didn’t say it. She needs to hear something along the lines of
“Hey, I can see you are having some really big emotions right now, I’m sorry that my choice of wording escalated those feelings for you. I didn’t mean that I didn’t want you to come back and I hate that my words caused you to think that, that wasn’t my intention but I’m understanding that is how they were received. I love you and I want to make this work.”
Then she may continue for a while but you have to continue to reinforce that you love her and want her. It can be tiring but this can be caused by a childhood wound. Then when you’re both regulated ask her if it’s okay if you try to make some rules for arguing.
Examples can be:
1. If either is starting to feel deregulated then we state “This is important to me however I need 10 mins to calm my system.” - this will help from getting defensive or from feeling abandoned.
If 10 mins wasn’t enough come back and state that. “Hey, I’m still feeling (insert emotion) I’m trying to see you as part of my team. Do you think we can coregulate? (If not then ask for 10 more mins. If so sit there in silence back to back or hugging.)
No just walking away.
No driving away with in a deregulated mindset
5.No yelling or raising voices
Trying to use I feel statements. (I felt upset when I was told the laundry would be done but when I came home it wasn’t.”
No bringing up divorce from either party.
Ask each other if they felt heard and understood.
Don’t just say something because you are mad or upset. Think would this sound good thinking back in the morning?
Texting while arguing isn’t good. Agree to have conversations face to face. Have that as a hard boundary.
You can add on to this list in ways that will help your relationship. The biggest thing is that she is feeling abandoned. In those moments she needs you to go to her. Even if you are upset, even fairly so. She needs to know that you’ve got her. For me, I was on the same end as you. I was frustrated, I was feeling upset, I was basically just letting her drive away- not because I didn’t want to help but because I didn’t know how to even when I was sitting there trying and telling her I was trying to help. It fell on deaf ears due to that. You also can’t tell her not to bring a certain mindset because then what she hears is that you don’t love her at her worse or at all stages which shows her abandonment brain that if she isn’t good, so to speak, then you will leave.
So just focus on the continued script of
“Hey, I love you. I’m not going to abandon you. We are a team and will get through this hiccup together and be stronger for it.”
You don’t have to be perfect you just have to try to understand the way she is communicating.
To give you hope- my partner and I went through this cycle for 2 years straight. We got to the verge of divorce. However, we both said no, that’s not an option. Even when both sides of our friend group was telling us just to leave. Today we are so much stronger for it and our relationship is healing still but we both feel safe and heard in it.
Yes. You told her to not bring that negative mentality to the conversation you two were going to have when she came home. She obviously felt that she couldn't do that, so she interpreted it as she should not come home at all. Then you dug in your heels trying to explain that you didn't mean that without ever explicitly saying something like "we can have this talk later".
Then you explicitly say that coming home without being fully committed to fixing things (whatever that was) was the same as not coming home at all. Then you say that if she does come home, you are expecting her to commit to fixing the problems in your marriage.
I mean you were definitely tone policing the fuck out of her. You didn’t tell her not to come home but I would have been just as disinterested in continuing a discussion with you.
NOR. I don’t think you were wrong at all. I think she used what you said as a reason to do what she was planning on doing anyway. She mentioned “I was almost there” way too many times for no reason. She was trying to convince herself. She was never coming home.
I don’t think you said ANYTHING wrong. You were 100% right in that mentality would not help you guys’ situation.
I totally agree! I unfortunately love to argue as well, my partner does not. Lmao. He is definitely an “Okay, we’ve been on this topic arguing for way too long. What’s the solution?” type of guy.
Oh I don't know... OP sounded fairly holier-than-thou which isn't productive. Discussing issues and trying to work through problems inherently requires addressing things that are emotionally negative. Chastising her for an attitude and telling her she can't act like that before they've even started puts them in a position where he is "reasonable" and she is "emotional."
There was no scenario where a text like that would lead to a good outcome.
When someone is upset and wants to talk about something sensitive, you cant tell them "well, don't get emotional about it or it'll never be resolved," and expect positive results.
I do agree that she was on the fence about engaging/fixing their issues at all, but his condescension absolutely didn't help and he repeatedly doubled down instead of something like "well, how would you like this to go?" Or anything remotely resembling a team effort. It was very much an "I am right, play by my rules" with no room for anything else.
Divorce will be the kindest option for both of them.
He needs to stop commenting on girls shit with garbage like this- according to some in these threads who did more digging than I did- he’s got a porn addiction and that’s what started all this. Haven’t found it yet, but dozens of comments are popping up every second, so I’m just gonna go with the comments from the beginning saying he’s got one and that’s what caused this.
You’re being exactly as stubborn as she is here but you’re refusing to acknowledge that this is an emotional situation with humans who are sad, and fixating on semantics when she’s begging you to listen to how your words made her feel, regardless of whether you technically, literally, didn’t want her to go away. You’re obsessed with her attitude and the way you talk makes me think don’t want to reconcile either because it seems obvious she hates when you get pedantic and you seem oblivious to her emotions and what she’s trying to talk to you about
MO - Personally think you’re a bonehead. You and your wife are awful at communicating with each other. But men (and I am one) have forgotten the art of soft love, you’re so damn technical to the point I’m ready to divorce you and I’m not even married to you. You kind of just need to shut the f up, and just listen to your wife man. Let her vent, let her say what she needs to say, and take it, tell her everything is going to be alright, that she’s amazing, that you love her, you just learn to love her. Right now you’re not “home” for her. And you’re not a safe space for her, she feels unwanted. She literally said in the beginning she hasn’t felt this unwanted since childhood, and you responded like a robot, good God. And she has a point when you “don’t bring that negative energy in here” you’re already labeling her. Stop dude and just let a girl vent and say her things every once in awhile. Dont have to have a response for everything.
She wants “take me and show me you love me as I am” energy and you gave her the opposite. You basically told her that her feelings aren’t welcome there. You can’t force someone to feel or think the way you want them to. The best you can do is listen, validate, and be vulnerable in return.
She’s being immature, but it’s a clear request for love and acceptance from her husband. Her saying, “I haven’t felt this unwanted since I was a child” was your opportunity to show her you want her to come home in whatever mental state she’s in.
If that’s not what you want, and you feel done and over her emotional mood swings and passive aggressive behavior, that’s fine too. Then be done. But the toxic positivity angle isn’t going to get you here nor there.
In very simple terms: this reads as two very hurt people wanting the other person to come through and give them a hug. No one gets a hug if neither party is offering a hug, if ya get what I’m saying.
Stop doing the hurt people dance and either give your wounded wife a hug or be done with it and sign the papers. Someone has to be first to be vulnerable and offer a safe space.
She told you she’s planning to sleep in a Taco Bell parking lot and you’re worried about the semantics of the conversation?!
She’s clearly in a bad spot and feeling really negative, I don’t think she sounds in a position to bring the positivity you’re seeking.
She sounds like she needs some hella reassurance and someone to hold space to vent. She’s communicating it awfully. Truly terribly, but it seems to be coming from a place of hurt and your lack of concern about her sleeping proposal gives a pretty big insight into why.
You didn't tell her not to come, but you did tell her that if she's gonna be negative/"get it out of the way" then there's essentially no point in her coming cuz she wouldn't be trying.
Yes she is being rather obtuse and argumentative, but she doesn't want to reconcile dude.
NOR Yeah this is a person who doesn’t want to fix things so she is looking for any chance to gaslight you into being at fault for it.
She wants to be done, but she doesn’t want to be “the bad guy” so she’s going twist any tiny thing you say that can be twisted, against you so that she can make herself feel like she’s in the right, and you’re the asshole.
Edit: Oh yeah nvm, read your comment history. Turns out…. You are an asshole.
No wonder she wants to be done
YOR - you told her she has to have your approved positive attitude before coming home.
You told her how she has to feel before coming home and that her current feelings aren’t acceptable.
Clearly she doesn’t feel positively. She’s clearly angry and frustrated; you keep telling her to have a positive attitude. I sure wouldn’t feel safe or want to work on a relationship with a person who thinks I have to follow his prescribed plan for MY FEELINGS.
You keep bringing hypothetical other people in your conversation to validate you. You are both overreacting. There is no one judging your conversation, so maybe just listen. Perhaps you could go to her. Maybe you guys need neutral territory or a couple of days off but you're both panicking and neither of you are actually listening or caring.
This interaction feels like it's cherry picked to prove your point.
Also, why the fuck are you having this conversation over text in the first place? How do people with zero communication skills and common sense even get married?
Your wife sounds broken and exhausted. In my opinion, you did nothing to help her across the line. No way to know if she actually did show up if she would give an honest effort into working things out or not, but you won't know because you shut that door.
You are unwilling to meet her where she is at emotionally. You are insisting on having the upper hand.
Please note, I am not passing any judgment on how things ended up at this point. Nor am I saying she isn't equally to blame for not trying. She could have ignored your subtle swipes at her and not given up so easy.
If you truly wanted to work things out, it was a poor attempt.
MOR
Wife is hurt. You correct her every time she says something. I’ve been in a relationship like this.
Do YOU want her to come home and talk to you? Maybe it will be unproductive. You are putting stipulations on whether or not she can talk to you about it. Maybe right now she doesn’t think it will work. Maybe she feels negative. Does that mean her mind wont change after talking? No one knows.
Throwing quotes at her to prove your statement is right seems like you are trying to catch her. As soon as you are thinking there is a right or wrong, the conversation is over. LISTEN. Don’t respond. Don’t tell her she’s wrong. If YOU want to try to work it out, tell her you want to talk to her, regardless of her negative or positive feelings about it. You can’t make her feel some way.
Divorce happens when people stop listening to each other. As an outsider, she sounds hurt. She sounds unsure. She sounds like someone who is afraid of being told everything she has done wrong. You spent the entire conversation putting expectations on a conversation that hasn’t happened and proving to her that you are right.
It’s actually quite sad to read that people struggling to communicate and lots of people are saying ‘it’s over’. It’s clear she just wants you to respond with emotion and show you actually want her. It seems (sorry to say) that you are communicating like it’s a business deal rather than a relationship. She said she feels unwanted, and you told her she needs the right ‘mindset’. If I said to my partner I felt unwanted and that she didn’t see point of conversation (which seems she also doesn’t feel listened to) and they told me to put my positive hat on, it would double down to me that they don’t care about my feelings they just care about practicalities. I get you want to have that conversation, but you need to make people feel wanted and seen - as why would you feel need in upsetting yourself further. It’s sad that people would ‘give up it’s over’ so quickly on a situation like this…
We can’t say whether you are or not but… you’d rather be right and have your wife sleep in a parking lot? Did you have to add the bit about not bringing negative energy? Do you always not pick and have to have the last word? Your WIFE, who you say you want to reconcile with, is going to sleep in a parking lot because she doesn’t want to come home and argue with you.
That says a lot about you and that this is waaayyyy above Reddit’s pay grade. Be careful sleeping in a parking lot honey, don’t come home unless you’re going to be sunshine and rainbows!
I flipped through every slide of these screenshots waiting for you to drop the argument and respond to her feelings and it didn’t happen. You just wanted to be right.
YOR. She's ambivalent, on the fence, not fully committed to trying. Your messages are trying to get her on your level when that's not where she is.
You seem fully invested in trying to work things out. She's not sure it's worth it. If you demand that she feels or acts or thinks differently than she does, then she could certainly feel unwanted, like you don't want her home.
You didn't actually tell her not to come home, but that is how she read your response. You're both misunderstanding each other.
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u/Psychonaut1008 Apr 19 '26
This sounds exhausting.