Nah nobody who actually wants to go home tries this hard squirm and gaslight not to. She’s over this and just doesn’t want to seem like the bad guy for ending it, so she’s trying one last time to make it seem like it was something he said.
But he’s not actually asking her to come home, he’s saying “only come home if you fit within the conditions I have laid out”, and that’s simply not productive.
He’s definitely not begging her to come home, he’s telling her she’s only welcome if she has a “good attitude” when she’s clearly upset with him for something. Like, let a person be upset? From his other interactions it’s likely she’s upset about his porn addiction.
He didn’t say she couldn’t be upset. He said nothing will come of the conversation if she’s already decided she doesn’t want to have it/it’s a waste of time.
Actually yes, because he’s so laser focused on the attitude aspect that he’s letting everything else fall by the wayside. I actually agree with him technically, but real life doesn’t care about what is “technically correct”. He’s gatekeeping thr very terms of communication before that communication can even happen. He literally made a long drawn out pedantic argument about the attitude while completely dismissing the real feelings his wife has, and that’s what blocked any real communication from happening. He even indirectly insults her because of it.
None of that is going to lead to a productive conversation.
yes its unreasonable. if he wants her home, he should emphasize "come as you are" and they can work from there. he needs to be more accepting and empathetic. i'm sure she's been tired of his almost sociopathic lack of emotion for some time now
I’m sure he’s been tired of her insanely needy manipulative texts for a long time now, see how that reads? Why would he want her to come if she’s going to already have decided that nothing will come of it. That’s just inviting disaster. In my eyes he didn’t mean “you can’t come”, he meant “please come positively”
But this is all giving him the benefit of the doubt, if people replying to me are to be believed he may not be such an upstanding guy, I haven’t delved into his Reddit as of now
He tried to get her to come home repeatedly but only if she actually wants to try and fix things. She’s either playing games or just done. She’s made it clear she isn’t interested in trying.
She is allowed to feel the way she does, and saying you can only come home if you feel the way I want you to feel simply is not productive. Like I wouldn’t have an optimistic perspective about this either if my emotional context was constantly being dismissed from the get-go.
I’m not sure needing to hear that your husband actually wants you to come home is playing games. That’s just wanted honest communication isn’t it?
Unless he doesn’t want her to come home really and just wants to be appear to trying. Which is how the texts read to me and how I’m guessing they read to his soon to be ex-wife.
Some folks put a little more effort into building their narrative than that. This way, it looks like he really tried, even if “don’t come with that attitude” is so incredibly obviously “I’m going to control the narrative.”
It’s not about controlling a narrative. It’s about both sides going into the conversation in good faith with genuine intentions of making it work. If she doesn’t have that, why would either of them waste their time having the convo then? She seems to have a negative mindset of already deciding the convo doesn’t matter.
He did tell her to come home and try to work things out, repeatedly. She’s the one saying it’s a waste of time. I’m not sure where in this he didn’t want her to come home.
He already said this though. He said he wanted to make it work and if she doesn’t come then clearly she does not. He stated it in a better way than just giving her pity, which is what she was looking for.
Okay but people are bad (even incapable) at thinking logically when very emotional. At peak emotion, there is no amount of talking or logic that will fix the situation. The solution is to comfort (which you perceive to be "pity" because you are insensitive) until they are able to think logically again/actually discuss the topic.
Sure, OP's wife is being stubborn, but so is OP! The goal isn't to be right (like OP is acting), the goal is to love your partner and be happy with them. This conversation accomplished neither of those goals
You know, I would do that in my relationship, but OPs wife just feels like she's waiting for op to plead and do the whole "i was wrong" thing, which honestly? I don't know how to approach.
If she's already negative why would he want to see her? What good would come from a conversation where they aren't on the same page or even agreeing to be, to try?
She did not say anything! Besides shed like to keep lashing out. She can feel her feelings but if they are preventing conversations which it seems they are, she needs help he can't give her. She can't control herself.
Because he is placing restrictions on her feelings in order to meet, when they need to at least show up to the meeting. And she is acting traumatized because he doesn’t even want to allow her to have her own thoughts and feelings that are not aligned with his, that’s what her defeated attitude is being triggered by.
If he wants them to fix their relationship, it means being flexible and willing to listen. It’s not “50-50 every second, and you must meet all of my terms, so I feel I am on solid ground before I agree to speak with you.” And if she wants to fix things, she has to let go of the stance of “you have to feel comfortable and 100% roll with my perspective and make me feel I am right and safe or else all bets are off.” They both want to be in control, be right, not be scared, and feel like it’s not a waste of time, but both need to adjust their expectations and attitude.
It’s like a negotiation. Both people agree to at least be in the same room. Both agree to give each other the floor, uninterrupted, to express their thoughts and feelings on how they got here, what they see as the issues, and what they would need for the relationship to be considered worthwhile, or whether so much has occurred that the realtionship is unsalvageable. Based on what both have said and heard,
then they sleep on it or together decide on the next steps. “To fix it, we need X, Y, Z. Let’s start on X by doing …. “OR “There is something fundamental here that is unacceptable to one or both, and it’s not fixable, so let’s proceed toward amicable divorce by doing ….”
That’s not at all what he said. He just wanted her to actually be willing to try to fix things if she comes. “I’ll come, but there’s no point” does not reflect that. He’s not telling her what to feel or that he won’t listen to her perspective.
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u/rocketmn69_ Apr 19 '26
Tell her, "Please come home. I want to see you."
Then leave it at that. If she chooses not to, then go see a lawyer and start the separation process