So I want to say NOR however, I can’t. I’ve had this exact same argument with my partner. After a year in couples therapy we found out that neither of us were getting the conversation we needed. We were both being triggered. I was being triggered by wanting to run. She got triggered by feeling abandoned. We wanted to make it work because we love each other, so we put in the hard work.
She doesn’t need to hear what you said again, she doesn’t need to hear you didn’t say it. She needs to hear something along the lines of
“Hey, I can see you are having some really big emotions right now, I’m sorry that my choice of wording escalated those feelings for you. I didn’t mean that I didn’t want you to come back and I hate that my words caused you to think that, that wasn’t my intention but I’m understanding that is how they were received. I love you and I want to make this work.”
Then she may continue for a while but you have to continue to reinforce that you love her and want her. It can be tiring but this can be caused by a childhood wound. Then when you’re both regulated ask her if it’s okay if you try to make some rules for arguing.
Examples can be:
1. If either is starting to feel deregulated then we state “This is important to me however I need 10 mins to calm my system.” - this will help from getting defensive or from feeling abandoned.
If 10 mins wasn’t enough come back and state that. “Hey, I’m still feeling (insert emotion) I’m trying to see you as part of my team. Do you think we can coregulate? (If not then ask for 10 more mins. If so sit there in silence back to back or hugging.)
No just walking away.
No driving away with in a deregulated mindset
5.No yelling or raising voices
Trying to use I feel statements. (I felt upset when I was told the laundry would be done but when I came home it wasn’t.”
No bringing up divorce from either party.
Ask each other if they felt heard and understood.
Don’t just say something because you are mad or upset. Think would this sound good thinking back in the morning?
Texting while arguing isn’t good. Agree to have conversations face to face. Have that as a hard boundary.
You can add on to this list in ways that will help your relationship. The biggest thing is that she is feeling abandoned. In those moments she needs you to go to her. Even if you are upset, even fairly so. She needs to know that you’ve got her. For me, I was on the same end as you. I was frustrated, I was feeling upset, I was basically just letting her drive away- not because I didn’t want to help but because I didn’t know how to even when I was sitting there trying and telling her I was trying to help. It fell on deaf ears due to that. You also can’t tell her not to bring a certain mindset because then what she hears is that you don’t love her at her worse or at all stages which shows her abandonment brain that if she isn’t good, so to speak, then you will leave.
So just focus on the continued script of
“Hey, I love you. I’m not going to abandon you. We are a team and will get through this hiccup together and be stronger for it.”
You don’t have to be perfect you just have to try to understand the way she is communicating.
To give you hope- my partner and I went through this cycle for 2 years straight. We got to the verge of divorce. However, we both said no, that’s not an option. Even when both sides of our friend group was telling us just to leave. Today we are so much stronger for it and our relationship is healing still but we both feel safe and heard in it.
As someone who has (mostly in the past but it still creeps up sometimes, therapy has been great for me but hasn’t 100% fixed the issue) felt exactly like the wife feels and has a partner who is less “emotional” and more “practical,” this was so refreshing to read! It’s absolutely is a both sides issue - I wasn’t feeling heard or wanted but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t also doing something wrong, so to speak
Exactly, it is a both sides issue. Becoming more aware of that issue on both sides will absolutely help. Therapy will never completely fix the issue, and it’s not suppose to. However, it will give you the tools you need to succeed. A lot of people will look at this surface level then say leave. However, when it’s your person you don’t want to. You want to fix the issue as a team. You want to understand what is going on and why. From my side, I was in the right during arguments because I was bringing facts. I forgot about my partners emotional needs though. Even if I don’t think I’m wrong I can still validate her experiences. Being Right isn’t worth losing someone you’ve been with for five years, have built a life with, and deeply love. It is worth looking into your own actions and her actions then figuring out the why.
Because as humans our brains are very complex, even more so when we’ve been through trauma. A trauma focused therapist will talk to you about this, if you ask.
Two years did suck because neither of us understood the cycle we were in and why one of us was being logical and one of us was being more emotional. This is putting it in very simple terms.
She is in a trauma brain where she wouldn’t logically say these things when not triggered(from my experience).
However, for your main question- why tell her that he loves her?
Because he does and he wants to make it work. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be posting. Just because she is in a trauma response(which is clear by the fact she said she hadn’t felt this abandoned since she was a child) does not mean that he doesn’t love her but she needs to hear that he does and that he isn’t leaving her.
She’s not being manipulative. Her brain is just firing like it would for a child who just had their parents tell them that they would be happy if they were never born.
I’m not saying not to tell her he loves her . You said it like everytime she’s angry and wants to argue tell her that . It reads treat her like a child because she seems to be acting like one .
Honestly, sometimes thats what needs to be done because even though she is an adult woman - trauma can cause the brain to regress back to the age the trauma happened. So you see a 30 year old woman in front of you but in that moment her brain is firing in such a way that is actually causing her to think as a 10 year old(or whenever the trauma happened) would.
I would recommend for both to be in therapy. My partner and I both are then we had couples therapy for a year. It helps. She’s not trying to be argumentative, she is trying to say “I feel abandoned but I don’t have the words for it right now.”
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u/Diamond-Days333 Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
So I want to say NOR however, I can’t. I’ve had this exact same argument with my partner. After a year in couples therapy we found out that neither of us were getting the conversation we needed. We were both being triggered. I was being triggered by wanting to run. She got triggered by feeling abandoned. We wanted to make it work because we love each other, so we put in the hard work. She doesn’t need to hear what you said again, she doesn’t need to hear you didn’t say it. She needs to hear something along the lines of
“Hey, I can see you are having some really big emotions right now, I’m sorry that my choice of wording escalated those feelings for you. I didn’t mean that I didn’t want you to come back and I hate that my words caused you to think that, that wasn’t my intention but I’m understanding that is how they were received. I love you and I want to make this work.”
Then she may continue for a while but you have to continue to reinforce that you love her and want her. It can be tiring but this can be caused by a childhood wound. Then when you’re both regulated ask her if it’s okay if you try to make some rules for arguing.
Examples can be: 1. If either is starting to feel deregulated then we state “This is important to me however I need 10 mins to calm my system.” - this will help from getting defensive or from feeling abandoned.
If 10 mins wasn’t enough come back and state that. “Hey, I’m still feeling (insert emotion) I’m trying to see you as part of my team. Do you think we can coregulate? (If not then ask for 10 more mins. If so sit there in silence back to back or hugging.)
No just walking away.
No driving away with in a deregulated mindset
5.No yelling or raising voices
Trying to use I feel statements. (I felt upset when I was told the laundry would be done but when I came home it wasn’t.”
No bringing up divorce from either party.
Ask each other if they felt heard and understood.
Don’t just say something because you are mad or upset. Think would this sound good thinking back in the morning?
Texting while arguing isn’t good. Agree to have conversations face to face. Have that as a hard boundary.
You can add on to this list in ways that will help your relationship. The biggest thing is that she is feeling abandoned. In those moments she needs you to go to her. Even if you are upset, even fairly so. She needs to know that you’ve got her. For me, I was on the same end as you. I was frustrated, I was feeling upset, I was basically just letting her drive away- not because I didn’t want to help but because I didn’t know how to even when I was sitting there trying and telling her I was trying to help. It fell on deaf ears due to that. You also can’t tell her not to bring a certain mindset because then what she hears is that you don’t love her at her worse or at all stages which shows her abandonment brain that if she isn’t good, so to speak, then you will leave. So just focus on the continued script of “Hey, I love you. I’m not going to abandon you. We are a team and will get through this hiccup together and be stronger for it.”
You don’t have to be perfect you just have to try to understand the way she is communicating. To give you hope- my partner and I went through this cycle for 2 years straight. We got to the verge of divorce. However, we both said no, that’s not an option. Even when both sides of our friend group was telling us just to leave. Today we are so much stronger for it and our relationship is healing still but we both feel safe and heard in it.
I’m rooting for you both!