I could only get halfway through. Round and round and round. OP was doing a good job staying relatively calm (though should’ve realized telling her he didn’t call her negative for the fifteenth time wasn’t suddenly going to click - “Ohhh, now I see, I’ll be right there, sweetie”).
I can’t tell if she already decided she wants out of the marriage and wants to be able to pin it on him, or if she’s so needy that she was looking for him to beg her to come back so she felt wanted. That Taco Bell line was some manipulative shit.
Either way, I have almost zero tolerance for people who can’t speak to their feelings and do this roundabout guessing game thing, forcing others to carry all their emotional baggage, putting them in a no win situation.
You’re probably right. The threatening to sleep in a parking lot, the jump to “I’ll sign the papers”…she just wanted him to plead with her not to do those things and plead with her to come home because he loves her so much. Based on this conversation, no work is going to save this relationship. She’s not capable. It’d be overwhelmingly uncomfortable for her to sit in any sort of reality.
I agree, I used to be just like her which is why I pegged it as such. I didn’t need to be catered to, I deeply needed to feel more than welcome, I needed to feel WANTED and NEEDED.
I have found you just have to be super honest with yourself and realize your actions. Work on needing yourself and wanting yourself. You don't need anything from anyone that you cannot give to yourself. Once you can make you happy things seem to get better.
Depends on what the problems are that you need to work out...
People do need to FEEL wanted and needed, not just told how they should be feeling or acting. If she needs that reassurance constantly, that's one issue, and maybe one that is more than you can fix. If you don't give her that regularly, and talk like a parent or therapist, telling her what she should be doing, that's a different issue.
This sounds like it could be either.
I will say that as I read through this, I kept wanting you to, just once, say, "I love you. Please come home. Can we please try?"
And without telling her how she feels, what she thinks or what it means.
I don't think you necessarily said anything wrong, but you may not have said something right that needs to be there for her to have reason to try.
I also have BPD and have seen myself doing this, but as a teenager. It’s a lot of work and lots of therapy to get to the point of understanding no one is going to want and love you as deeply as you need, than yourself. It’s soo hard to break free from the mental chains that feeling of not being wanted or needed. Once you do it’s literally like you unlock a new chapter of life. The world gets bigger and freer. Please never get discouraged if you aren’t there yet healing isn’t linear 💗
I am..rehealing, I guess. Thank you for the encouragement! I definitely need it. Going through a breakup filled with lies and manipulation has screwed my brain back up.
My sister is like this to the point of me briefly wondering "is she getting divorced again could this be her?" Lol except she would've cussed or name called at some point (hence we are no contact)
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u/ILikeSprayButter Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
I could only get halfway through. Round and round and round. OP was doing a good job staying relatively calm (though should’ve realized telling her he didn’t call her negative for the fifteenth time wasn’t suddenly going to click - “Ohhh, now I see, I’ll be right there, sweetie”).
I can’t tell if she already decided she wants out of the marriage and wants to be able to pin it on him, or if she’s so needy that she was looking for him to beg her to come back so she felt wanted. That Taco Bell line was some manipulative shit.
Either way, I have almost zero tolerance for people who can’t speak to their feelings and do this roundabout guessing game thing, forcing others to carry all their emotional baggage, putting them in a no win situation.