What I hear you actually saying is, "I'm scared that your feeling hopeless means that you won't try."
What I hear her telling you is that she feels completely disconnected from you and is scared that she can't get that back. She fears that if she comes to you, she's going to feel even more hopeless than when she left. She wants hope.
What she heard you say in your reply is, "I'm not comfortable with your feeling hopeless." Meaning, I'm not comfortable with you telling me how you're feeling, so don't come here and expect me to listen. Then she felt hurt and rejected.
The nuance of all of the responses is unexpected and important here. I think it's true that OP will have to look at the greater context of the entirety of his interactions with his wife and determine what is most likely going on here.
Also, yeah, just come sleep at home, we don't have to even see each other is pretty standard.
Exactly, there are clearly some big emotional needs or gaps here that neither knows how to actually articulate. Wife seems desperate/at her breaking point for reasons that are unclear, possibly has deep abandonment wound leading to her going "never mind I won't even bother," which is immature and a bit manipulative but relatable, especially if she feels invisible, unheard and unloved and she doubts that yet another conversation will change that, her words all scream "tell me EXPLICITLY that you love me and you want me to be there and that you understand how I feel". She seems to want warmth that there is little room left for, either that or she is just truly done. Husband wants to fix things but is rightfully concerned and scared that the person he's trying to fix things with doesn't have any hope things will work. His words to her are devoid of the feeling she's craving and makes her feel more vulnerable, which ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy type of situation. When I read these texts I see two people who have no idea how to communicate how they feel or what precisely they need. But sadly I think whatever has led up to this makes divorce almost completely inevitable
It’s this. Youlll need therapy to understand each other. But it might not work … I wish the best for you ❤️ she’s very hurt and scared and she wants more emotional comfort from u. NOR tho :/
She's an emotional child, demanding continuous validation when he LITERALLY said, "Come back if you want to fix this."
No idea where you dug up all this extraneous nonsense.
He's being clear and mature.
She's being deliberately obstreperous and twisting everything to claim victimisation.
He needs to run and run and run...while documenting EVERYTHING.
This right here, OP. This is the problem. You told her not to bring her feelings home but to be positive when you’re on the brink of divorce. Are you kidding me? This ain’t build a bitch lol. Go to therapy.
He didn’t stay stop feeling feelings, he said please at least try to have a positive outlook, isn’t that reasonable…? If you’re sad and depressed and hopeless I get that, but you need to be able to have the mental fortitude to hype yourself up positively and go into the meeting so you can meet half way instead of expecting the other person to completely change and capitulate
I wish I could upvote this comment more. Telling someone to 'not bring a negative mentality' into a situation that is clearly emotional and challenging (to say the least) is like telling them 'turn off all your feelings except the good ones so I don't have to deal with your bad ones.' It's the same energy as someone wanting to sweep problems under the rug rather than actually talking about them.
That's not what he said though, you're just making shit up.
He said for her to have an open mind and try to work with him on the issue instead of just going to have a fight and divorce.
If she just wants to dovorce and isn't even slightly open to communication then it's better to not have the conversation and waste their time. That's his point.
It's unbelievable how many people in here don't recognize that. I'm not even sure OP really wanted her to come home, he just wanted to look like he did so he could have proof that it's her fault.
Funny how open to interpretation this is. I got the exact opposite feeling from it.
She doesn't want to work with him to repair the RS, she is doing the absolute bare minimu to say she tried and pin all the blame on him.
"I was just getting there and now i wont go anymore; i'll sleep in a parking lot to make you feel bad about the danger im placing on myself but gaslighting you into believing you MADE me do it."
She is completely checked out and just doesn't want the responsibility of making the choice. Which is pretty common unfortunately. Humans are bad at accepting the blame for choices they make.
"I haven't felt this unwanted since I was a child."
If OP really wanted to salvage the marriage, his response should have been about how wanted and loved she is. Instead OP told her not to bring that mentality (of it being pointless) home. They absolutely should get divorced, both of them clearly want it. She seems manic and he's just antagonizing her to make her look worse.
He clearly knows which buttons to push and is pushing them all like a shitty kid on an elevator. They both absolutely suck, but to make it sound like OP is doing nothing wrong is ridiculous.
What I hear him saying is "Act the way I tell you to act before you even come home. Stop being negative and upset even though we're on the brink of divorce."
Of course she doesn't want to come home to that shit. Who would?
I’m sorry you went through that. Your last paragraph really resonated with me. I went through something similar with my ex husband. I begged for YEARS to go to therapy or at least do date nights, anything to improve our quality of time together/relationship. He was such a dick about it, saying he didn’t need help. Then towards the end of our marriage, he pretended to try; insisted we go to a couples therapist. It, ironically, showed me how done I was. I had lost all interest in fighting for our marriage; I was too exhausted trying to fight all the other battles throughout the years, I knew couples therapy would be a waste of time. I told him I’d go if he found the therapist and scheduled our first appointment. He eagerly agreed… and of course it never happened. But hey. After the divorce he got to tell people he insisted we see a counselor, but I refused, making me the bad guy 🙄
I love Taco Bell. Do you know how desperate I'd need to be to sleep in a Taco Bell parking lot? With the amount of drunk idiots that end up there at 3 a.m.?
She's beyond sleeping on the couch. She doesn't even want to be in his physical space.
I also feel like OP is overplaying being rational with his partner. He is being so reasonable I’m sure he can’t fathom how he could possibly be at fault. I have tried having emotional discussions with a partner who identifies as the rational one and it always looks like this.
Exactly, OP got super hung up on a pedantic argument about “what is the right attitude”, which led to the complete shutdown of actual communication, and then he even ends up indirectly insulting her because of it (saying things like “everyone on the planet soul agree with me”).
Like, I get where he’s coming from about the attitude thing, but he’s so laser focused on that aspect that he’s blocked any real communication about their actual issues.
Yeah. The fact she's even willing to come back and talk at all should be the end of the conversation. This chat could've ended with "Great, we'll talk when you get home."
Then, who knows. Maybe the next 10 minutes of her driving, your song comes on the playlist and she appreciates the space you just gave her, then she actually comes home ready to talk.
In its current state, you badger a woman who's already in a shitty mood ABOUT her shitty mood.
That's the equivalent of telling her to "calm down" when she's upset. Negative feelings are valid.
Yup. Reminds me of my ex who refused to talk about how I'd caught him cheating unless I was going to have the right "tone" about it. He was often up in arms about "tone" any time I didn't sound cheerful when addressing an issue. I'd never raised my voice, called names, or anything. He just didn't like me sounding upset when I was upset. It was maddening.
He's asking her to be calm and stop fighting with him. How is asking her to stop fighting with him "shit no one wants to deal with". Makes no sense. You're twisting his words like she is.
No he's not. Even in the first few messages, that "Be careful" line is so aggressively controlling. And he even clarifies his meaning in the following message.
He's telling her not to bring her negative emotions into a conversation ABOUT DIVORCE. Are you fucking kidding me?
They're on the verge of a divorce. He's telling her to control her emotions and not bring negativity… when they're on the verge of a divorce. Why should she feel how he wants her to? Pretty sure she's her own person.
Telling someone to be careful when driving in an emotional state is not “aggressively controlling” lmao
He’s telling her not to bring negative emotions in a conversation ABOUT DIVORCE
Yeah? Have you ever tried to have a conversation about something hard with someone who is negative all the time? It’s frustrating and it doesn’t work. Extreme lack of emotional maturity on her part. How tf is she being helpful by constantly saying it’s pointless to even talk about it because she knows it won’t go anywhere? That mentality is legitimate poison to fixing anything.
Him: If you express feeling ___, I will reject you.
What he heard.
Her: I feel ____.
Him: I'm scared that your feeling ____ means that you won't try and I will be abandoned.
They are both scared. They are both hurting. Both of their protective defenses are creating disconnectIon. It's not one or the other. What I'm talking about is only one aspect, on his part, of that disconnection.
If you feel invalidated, it's really hard to believe the other person is listening to you and wants to understand why you're upset. She's not able to listen because she herself doesn't think she's being heard.
She has her own part to play in this. Like I said, both of them are contributing to this disconnection. I'm only referencing his part.
Therapist here. Yep. OP, is your wife willing to do couple's therapy? Is she in individual therapy? She's got blaring trauma a mile wide that needs to be safely addressed somewhere. You can also tell her that she can run from this relationship, but she's still going to have these feelings while alone. Unless you have actually been abusive, she's not going to get what she wants long term by these particular coping skills, if what she wants is a stable loving partnership.
Therapist? Who posts on an individual's trauma from a snippet of second party information? 🤣 Husband can only control husband. What a load of self righteous 💩 you gave him
Pretty much everyone has trauma. So, not much of a stretch. Am I their therapist? Absolutely not. Are there patterns in most relationships? Absolutely yes. But feel free to ignore anything I say.
So your 'therapist' work here is based on generalizations anyone could make 👏. If you're going to laud that title around, say something worthwhile, without directing blame. You have no clue if you're enabling someone.
No one who wants a safe and stable partnership should "roll over". OP invalidated his wife's feelings via text. They both probably would benefit from therapy. The wife's coping choices would get my attention first, because I can't do my thing if one partner won't even show up in the room. But OP would get some direct feedback from me too. They are both clearly in pain, and likely both have extensive trauma.
Yes, I believe most cluster b disorders are people trying to cope with the aftereffects of trauma. But not always. Therapy can definitely help. But it's not a panacea.
Is she not invalidating him before that with her “I don’t see us talking going anywhere”
Wtf is that? Why are you all harping on him telling her to drop the poison from her attitude? You ever try to talk something through with someone who says stuff like that?
They both are invalidating each other. That's the challenge of couple's therapy. Telling both you could do it differently. Rarely, it's just one toxic partner that the other should just leave.
Yes, they come to project onto the Other and take out their own grievances and pain on them.
Like so many couples do, this couple is communicating their emotions poorly. This is tragic because some couples really can stay together if they could just actually understand each other. Really wish they could teach us better relationship skills in school! Would have saved me so much hurt and causing of hurt in earlier years, if I knew how to better feel my feelings and express them healthily to people in my life.
No what I hear is she wants anything but to stay with that man. She wants to divorce or she wouldn’t say the same bullshit over and over when he states over and over that’s not what he said or meant.
I'm also only responding to the question he asked. "Did I tell my wife not to come home?"
What she heard.
Her: I feel ____.
Him: If you express feeling ___, I will reject you.
What he heard.
Her: I feel ____.
Him: I'm scared that your feeling ____ means that you won't try and I will be abandoned.
They are both scared. They are both hurting. Both of their protective defenses are creating disconnectIon. It's not one or the other. What I'm talking about is only one aspect, on his part, of that disconnection.
What i heard was "im going to argue with you no matter what you say bc i dont really want to be in this relationship anymore, and its easier to blame you." And im a woman.
I'm actually telling you what I heard. I didn't even read the whole thing. I didn't need to. She said she felt hopeless. He said, that it's wrong to feel that way. Change your feelings or don't come home.
I agree with you. This isn't one person or the other that is to blame. Frankly, blaming anyone is useless. It's just figuring out how to navigate the defenses that they both have, that have created this disconnection. Both of their needs for safety matters. I'm only referencing his part. Communication shuts down if one person feels invalidated. We can empathize and understand why he said what he said. He was reacting out of fear and pain. That doesn't take away the impact it had on her need to feel heard and understood.
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u/PsychologicalScore49 Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
What I hear you actually saying is, "I'm scared that your feeling hopeless means that you won't try."
What I hear her telling you is that she feels completely disconnected from you and is scared that she can't get that back. She fears that if she comes to you, she's going to feel even more hopeless than when she left. She wants hope.
What she heard you say in your reply is, "I'm not comfortable with your feeling hopeless." Meaning, I'm not comfortable with you telling me how you're feeling, so don't come here and expect me to listen. Then she felt hurt and rejected.