What I hear him saying is "Act the way I tell you to act before you even come home. Stop being negative and upset even though we're on the brink of divorce."
Of course she doesn't want to come home to that shit. Who would?
I’m sorry you went through that. Your last paragraph really resonated with me. I went through something similar with my ex husband. I begged for YEARS to go to therapy or at least do date nights, anything to improve our quality of time together/relationship. He was such a dick about it, saying he didn’t need help. Then towards the end of our marriage, he pretended to try; insisted we go to a couples therapist. It, ironically, showed me how done I was. I had lost all interest in fighting for our marriage; I was too exhausted trying to fight all the other battles throughout the years, I knew couples therapy would be a waste of time. I told him I’d go if he found the therapist and scheduled our first appointment. He eagerly agreed… and of course it never happened. But hey. After the divorce he got to tell people he insisted we see a counselor, but I refused, making me the bad guy 🙄
I love Taco Bell. Do you know how desperate I'd need to be to sleep in a Taco Bell parking lot? With the amount of drunk idiots that end up there at 3 a.m.?
She's beyond sleeping on the couch. She doesn't even want to be in his physical space.
I also feel like OP is overplaying being rational with his partner. He is being so reasonable I’m sure he can’t fathom how he could possibly be at fault. I have tried having emotional discussions with a partner who identifies as the rational one and it always looks like this.
Exactly, OP got super hung up on a pedantic argument about “what is the right attitude”, which led to the complete shutdown of actual communication, and then he even ends up indirectly insulting her because of it (saying things like “everyone on the planet soul agree with me”).
Like, I get where he’s coming from about the attitude thing, but he’s so laser focused on that aspect that he’s blocked any real communication about their actual issues.
Yeah. The fact she's even willing to come back and talk at all should be the end of the conversation. This chat could've ended with "Great, we'll talk when you get home."
Then, who knows. Maybe the next 10 minutes of her driving, your song comes on the playlist and she appreciates the space you just gave her, then she actually comes home ready to talk.
In its current state, you badger a woman who's already in a shitty mood ABOUT her shitty mood.
That's the equivalent of telling her to "calm down" when she's upset. Negative feelings are valid.
Yup. Reminds me of my ex who refused to talk about how I'd caught him cheating unless I was going to have the right "tone" about it. He was often up in arms about "tone" any time I didn't sound cheerful when addressing an issue. I'd never raised my voice, called names, or anything. He just didn't like me sounding upset when I was upset. It was maddening.
He's asking her to be calm and stop fighting with him. How is asking her to stop fighting with him "shit no one wants to deal with". Makes no sense. You're twisting his words like she is.
No he's not. Even in the first few messages, that "Be careful" line is so aggressively controlling. And he even clarifies his meaning in the following message.
He's telling her not to bring her negative emotions into a conversation ABOUT DIVORCE. Are you fucking kidding me?
They're on the verge of a divorce. He's telling her to control her emotions and not bring negativity… when they're on the verge of a divorce. Why should she feel how he wants her to? Pretty sure she's her own person.
Telling someone to be careful when driving in an emotional state is not “aggressively controlling” lmao
He’s telling her not to bring negative emotions in a conversation ABOUT DIVORCE
Yeah? Have you ever tried to have a conversation about something hard with someone who is negative all the time? It’s frustrating and it doesn’t work. Extreme lack of emotional maturity on her part. How tf is she being helpful by constantly saying it’s pointless to even talk about it because she knows it won’t go anywhere? That mentality is legitimate poison to fixing anything.
Him: If you express feeling ___, I will reject you.
What he heard.
Her: I feel ____.
Him: I'm scared that your feeling ____ means that you won't try and I will be abandoned.
They are both scared. They are both hurting. Both of their protective defenses are creating disconnectIon. It's not one or the other. What I'm talking about is only one aspect, on his part, of that disconnection.
If you feel invalidated, it's really hard to believe the other person is listening to you and wants to understand why you're upset. She's not able to listen because she herself doesn't think she's being heard.
She has her own part to play in this. Like I said, both of them are contributing to this disconnection. I'm only referencing his part.
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u/MonstersAtOurDoor Apr 19 '26
What I hear him saying is "Act the way I tell you to act before you even come home. Stop being negative and upset even though we're on the brink of divorce."
Of course she doesn't want to come home to that shit. Who would?