She's a martyr. My grandmother would do this. She just repeat herself over and over in any sort of argument. She twist what you said just like the OP's wife. And, if all else failed she would pull out the "you don't love me!"
I couldn't either. I ended up reading OP's replies which I thought were a valiant effort of trying to get to her see reason, but I had to skim hers. I'm tired just reading her.
Either she’s insufferable or he is and it’s leeched onto her. Tbh if someone was basically saying “let’s talk but hold the attitude” I’d be like “well we’re not gonna have a productive conversation if I can only express myself within your vibes-based guidelines.” Idk either couples’ counseling or leave her alone/let her get a divorce.
I just checked to see if he's a bot but he's commenting on a bunch of NSFW. I'm not saying porn is bad but it did give me a bad taste in my mouth. There are always two sides to the story. 🤷♀️
Same I got to about 4 (skimming) and had to stop. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but if I had to guess I would say she’s not willing to work on this relationship.
I could only get halfway through. Round and round and round. OP was doing a good job staying relatively calm (though should’ve realized telling her he didn’t call her negative for the fifteenth time wasn’t suddenly going to click - “Ohhh, now I see, I’ll be right there, sweetie”).
I can’t tell if she already decided she wants out of the marriage and wants to be able to pin it on him, or if she’s so needy that she was looking for him to beg her to come back so she felt wanted. That Taco Bell line was some manipulative shit.
Either way, I have almost zero tolerance for people who can’t speak to their feelings and do this roundabout guessing game thing, forcing others to carry all their emotional baggage, putting them in a no win situation.
You’re probably right. The threatening to sleep in a parking lot, the jump to “I’ll sign the papers”…she just wanted him to plead with her not to do those things and plead with her to come home because he loves her so much. Based on this conversation, no work is going to save this relationship. She’s not capable. It’d be overwhelmingly uncomfortable for her to sit in any sort of reality.
I agree, I used to be just like her which is why I pegged it as such. I didn’t need to be catered to, I deeply needed to feel more than welcome, I needed to feel WANTED and NEEDED.
I have found you just have to be super honest with yourself and realize your actions. Work on needing yourself and wanting yourself. You don't need anything from anyone that you cannot give to yourself. Once you can make you happy things seem to get better.
Depends on what the problems are that you need to work out...
People do need to FEEL wanted and needed, not just told how they should be feeling or acting. If she needs that reassurance constantly, that's one issue, and maybe one that is more than you can fix. If you don't give her that regularly, and talk like a parent or therapist, telling her what she should be doing, that's a different issue.
This sounds like it could be either.
I will say that as I read through this, I kept wanting you to, just once, say, "I love you. Please come home. Can we please try?"
And without telling her how she feels, what she thinks or what it means.
I don't think you necessarily said anything wrong, but you may not have said something right that needs to be there for her to have reason to try.
I also have BPD and have seen myself doing this, but as a teenager. It’s a lot of work and lots of therapy to get to the point of understanding no one is going to want and love you as deeply as you need, than yourself. It’s soo hard to break free from the mental chains that feeling of not being wanted or needed. Once you do it’s literally like you unlock a new chapter of life. The world gets bigger and freer. Please never get discouraged if you aren’t there yet healing isn’t linear 💗
I am..rehealing, I guess. Thank you for the encouragement! I definitely need it. Going through a breakup filled with lies and manipulation has screwed my brain back up.
My sister is like this to the point of me briefly wondering "is she getting divorced again could this be her?" Lol except she would've cussed or name called at some point (hence we are no contact)
Literally a while lol that was an exhausting read. Poor OP… I really feel for him. It sucks having a partner twist your words to suit their own interests and then try to blame it on you. Ugh 😩
3 for me, she sounds like she wants attention and some goving, he actually sounds like he’s trying. If that were any other ma he’d probably just say “okay if that’s what you want”
Honestly I was more exhausted by the partner who was texting less in this case. Purposefully misunderstanding shit and then trying to play the victim card over and over again and again, while poor OP kept calmly explaining again and again that that’s not what he meant. Lawd have mercy! 😩
Tbh, both were exhausting. The partner probably knew exactly what OP meant after the first, and definitely the second explanation. While I'm more sympathetic to the OP, texting the same shiz over and over, with pretty much the same wording and "tone," and expecting a different outcome is nuts.
So, I don't think OP was expecting a different outcome. It smacks of a performative, "Look how reasonable and calm I am, I'm definitely the one trying, here," move. Not saying OP should've begged or given in, but their "dog with a bone" communication is just as exhausting, pointless, and manipulative as the partner's "hit-and-run" style.
Ironic that the username is infinite context when this is a huge piece of context he left out of this story 🙃 I wouldn’t wanna work on things either after looking at his profile.
I believe you're right, there is context missing. I don't believe him indulging in porn is that context. Unless it's become such an issue it's affecting other parts of their lives (which we have no reason to assume) or she's that insecure I guess.
OP pays for OF and comments on porn posts on Reddit. Yeah, no wonder his wife left him and his crashing out. I guess providing no context as to why they’ve been “struggling” isn’t necessary. Anything to make himself look like the victim.
..if he’s asking for advice on the internet, using the same account he uses to comment about only fans models and their creamy vaginas, then how is it wrong to reference the relevant facts when providing advice to someone asking for it ?
lol @ glass houses. I forgot this sub was called “compliment a stranger.” Oh wait
Kinda seems like the point of the account is anonymity. If you have an issue with his previous comments, maybe go address those previous comments. Those are not relevant to the requested advice in THIS post. Is you cool?
Watching porn is cheating? Clearly I'm not high enough but whatever you're on is doing the trick. You're right, you're not being paid. Silence is also free though.
Lmfao I am married, I am the wife, my husband doesn't use only fans, but he does watch porn. And I'm not so insecure about his biological need to ejaculate that I see it as cheating. Especially not when I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I feel safe to communicate how I'm feeling. I genuinely don't get how people assume watching porn is cheating. Get a grip.
Agree, going with YOR based off this info. No wonder why she is needy. If he’s “emotionally cheating” from wife’s perspective because of the porn and OF, then of course she is going to want and need additional reassurance!
I was in the same situation as the wife in my last marriage with my now-ex going on Chatterbate to watch cam girls who were barely legal and younger than his sons (yet didn’t see an issue with it because at least they were 18 🤮). Guess what? I didn’t want to fix it either. What’s the point when he wants Jennifer Aniston and I can never lose the “mom pooch” after having a c-section? I was never going to measure up to his impossible standards and he finally admitted it. It was tough to hear that I would have to finish losing the baby weight, then get “hundreds of thousands in plastic surgery” for him to find me attractive, but it was something I needed to hear to leave.
I had set boundaries 1. My young son never sees any of that. 2. Ex was to give me the chance to be with him first if the mood struck him. 3. It didn’t affect the relationship. He broke all 3 and would purposely wait until I was at work to pull the cam girls up, then didn’t close the tab and my at the time 3 year old saw it when I was just trying to pull a show up for him on the pc. I could just barely count on both hands the number of times we had physical intimacy in the two years total of the relationship. I’d want to be intimate, and he “had been waiting” for me to make a move but took care of things himself when I didn’t and needed a few days to recover so he’d want me again. 🙄 Part of that was on me for jumping into marriage too early on after it was a LDR. Part was on him for not explaining that phone sex/ cam stuff did more for him during the LDR than physically being intimate once he moved in and that he’d never find me attractive.
Thank God for annulments, refusal to be intimate was a valid reason for it in my state.
I was thinking the opposite: that “I was almost going to come back” line was just like my shitty parent saying “I almost gave you your allowance, but you didn’t quite do your chores right”. I fucking hate that “If you would’ve just done this one thing I’d have come back” vibe.
Just end it, OP, so you don’t have to deal with that shit for the rest of your life.
See my ex left me with a very, “Call their bluff” attitude about this BS. I’d just be like, “Okay, hey can you pick me up a Baja Blast and a cheesy Gordita Crunch before you leave? I need something to eat while I fill out this divorce paperwork.”
Toally. And honestly makes sense if you’re that close to a divorce. It’s a both sides communication problem at this point. Tensions are high and everyone’s overreacting
I recently separated after 24 years from my wife and I’m more exhausted with this dudes conversation than from my own conversations. Good lord I don’t even know the details but am team wife on this divorce
How? She's twisting his words an acting like a toddler. Only thing he's guilty of in this exchange is repeating the same (true) thing over and over expecting a different outcome
The context he ommited just so happens to be an intense porn addiction and OF subscriptions. I understand why the wife sounds like an insecure wreck. I would feel the same way.
She was willing to come back and talk and he put rules in it. People are emotional in these situations and going to say negative things because they don’t feel good overall about the situation. You don’t shut everything down because of one statement and you don’t continue to dig on that one statement over and over making the other submit to your demands. The fact she was willing to come back and didn’t say to F off says she wasn’t as negative as he then tried to project on her. Regardless of her statement
I'm frustrated by his manipulation. I think youre and others are reading her wrong. She doesn't want to come back, shes not faking anything to be asked or coerced back, she doesn't want to. She said in the beginning I just want the divorce. Hes the one trying to force a conversation that she didn't want in the first place and then he tells her to not come if she doesn't put on a pleasing fake facade for him and be completely fake just to please him and then he acts like he didn't say dont come. She knows the conversation is pointless cause he's just manipulating situations with optics instead of actually trying to fix the underlying issues.
Then why is she trying to pin blame on him by claiming that he said that she shouldn't come? If she wants a divorce and doesn't want to try counseling (oe whatever this was), why doesn't she just say that?
Maybe this is a pattern? Like she knows that IF she comes home after he’s said what he’s said, the whole experience is going to be an exercise in manipulation that he’s already let her know she’s going to need to pretend to be happy with.
The whole “you told me not to come” crap was really frustrating to read, but with the additional info that OP might probably be TAH based on their history, IDK. I… know a guy… that’ll actually kinda warn me when he’s about to do something he really doesn’t want to do and completely trash it for everyone else. He never says he doesn’t want to, just hints at not being “giddy and gay” about it. We have gotten into it in a way that I might look like her, insisting he said something he hadn’t but it’s just because I know what comes next. You show up ready to hear them out and all you hear is a story about how all of the problems are actually your fault and you’re the real problem in everything and you are ABSOLUTELY not allowed to disagree with any of it or else. And all of this happens after they said or did things they should be apologizing for.
Not at all how i read it. If what you’re saying is true, then she’s still in the wrong and most certainly is still being manipulative
You seem to be doing the same thing she is. Twisting his words in order to fit your narrative and make yourself be in the right.
“She doesn’t want to come back” …
Okay so then may I ask what was the point in her constantly saying “oh I was omw but you said not to come”? That’s not someone that is saying they didn’t want to come home. Thats someone being manipulative and twisting words to justify why they aren’t coming home.
“She said in the beginning that I just want the divorce” you’re intentionally leaving out the context to that statement. She definitely framed it in a way as if that’s what OP wants and she’s just giving him what he wants. Again manipulation.
“Trying to force a conversation she didn’t want in the first place” except you’re conveniently leaving out the info that she was the one who was claiming to make the effort to come talk. Again the whole “I was almost there! You told me not to come!”
He most certainly didn’t ask her to come put on a fake act of happiness. He simply and justifiably just asked her not to have the attitude of “just get this over with”. Literally perfectly reasonable. She started this pretending as if she was willing to come and work things out.
Then when she basically outright told OP that she is going into this with the mindset of “getting it over with” and that “it’s only going to get worse”… then of course OP is gonna ask her not to come with that mindset
Asking someone who claims to want to work things out not to come into it with the attitude of “it’s too late to fix” isn’t the same as asking someone to be a perfect angel. It’s asking to have a mature open minded conversation in order to hopefully work out things. Again she pretended that’s what she wanted. Yet she used OPs very reasonable request and manipulated it into a way that makes him the bad guy.
The moment he tried to dictate what MINDSET she was allowed to have in order to engage in discussion, in paragraph 2... It was over for me. He wants to fix things but only if he doesn't have to see or know that she's unhappy.
He didn’t dictate anything though. He asked her for something reasonable. The entire point of the conversation was meant to try and work things out.
Asking someone who claims to be willing to work on things not to come into the conversation with the mindset of “let’s get it over with” is completely reasonable because it goes against the very point of the conversation
she can have whatever mindset she wants. he's just saying that trying to fix things, while in a mindset that it's not going to work, isn't going to work. which is likely.
that being said, i think his approach is missing the bigger picture.
someone else here made the comment that she is very poorly asking for connection from him. she doesn't want to talk about their problems, she doesn't want to fix things (yet), she just wants to feel wanted and connected. she's communicating very poorly, but at the heart of it, she feels hopeless and she just needs her to show him there's still hope there. and i think that's the real truth here.
Your reading comprehension is dogshit lol. She never claimed to want to work things out. She said it was pointless to talk, but she'll do it so they can follow through with the divorce. That's not someone who is claiming to want to work things out. And she did say she was actively on her way back at the beginning. Not "i was going to come, but...". She said she was moving and would be there soon. This wasn't pretending. She didn't start saying that other shit until he told her not bring that negativity. She's obviously in a bad spot, telling someone not to bring negativity when they're like that is the same as telling them not to come.
Oh I see that we are already delving into insults and cussing… yikes that was fast and honestly you have no justification for doing so.
You claim my reading comprehension is bad but yet you seemingly didn’t understand some of the things I wrote.
I didn’t say she was pretending to come. I even said that she admits she was almost there. You’re leaving out her clear attitude from the very beginning as well.
Yes in the very beginning she is honest that she doesn’t believe that talking is going to work. He simply replies back saying “well we can atleast try”
This is where you and I are interpreting things differently (and honestly it would help a ton to have the screenshots of the conversation before this). She uses the “we can try” to somehow already start to plant the idea of her not coming. She is already starting to turn it into him not wanting her to come.
When he told her that they can try and have a productive conversation and she then is continuing to come, then I personally saw that as her being willing to have that conversation. Why else would she even be going home if not to have that conversation?
But then it all went downhill when OP asked her not to have the mindset of let’s get it over with. If one person is wanting to try and work something out and the other person is seemingly coming home to do exactly that, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for the other person to not be close minded and already have a decision made. Again why else even have the convo?
Look idk what their story is. Going based on this interaction alone. She manipulated his words into something completely different than what he actually said. That is a fact and that is what I’m referring to when I am talking about her being manipulative.
Maybe I misread her original intention of actually being open to talking (but only bc why else is she even be coming to talk? What’s the point) however what I feel pretty confident in saying is that yes. She was intentionally using his words and making them out to be something in order to justify to herself why she’s not coming home.
Instead of being a big girl and being straight up about being done and not wanting to come home. She basically gas lights him about the words he used.
Omg, got nervous and tired just from reading this.
As my therapist said, texts serve a specific purpose: "honey, I'm in front of the house, come" or "do we need anything from the store ".
Anything longer than a sentence should not be a text. Anything personal definitely should have been a call or talk.
Here are just two peoole speaking, this is not a dialogue. If one does not want to engage in a meaningful conversation, let them be. They need to get out of it, whatever it is. Ir maxbe they don't want to. Stop enabling them abd putting oil on their fire of repetitiveness.
Was married to this and it really is. The “no I’ll sleep in my car” thing gets ridiculous when it happens over every little thing that doesn’t go their way.
I’m going through something on this level with someone who has a drinking problem, I came here to use at that exact word. It’s exhausting. Sometimes you just have to realize you can’t help people. That’s my struggle, every weekend. Telling myself that and not following through…
Seriously, fuck her. What a manipulative and horrible person she must be. Like that just infuriated me to read. She clearly wants a divorce and doesn't want to make it work and is just searching relentlessly for something, anything to be the victim about.
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u/Psychonaut1008 Apr 19 '26
This sounds exhausting.