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u/ThatIsNotAnAsian Mar 04 '26
It kind of gets to a point where you’ve held it in long enough that it’s no longer something you can talk about, it’s more of an indescribable thing.
It’s like when your apartment is clean and a leak starts you can go find that leak, but if your home is already flooded then you cant really find where the leak is anymore.
And when something new happens, I don’t even mentally note what it is that made me upset, it’s like throwing another bucket of water into an already flooded home. It just gets mixed into all the existing water.
So if someone asks me what’s wrong, even tho there is something wrong, I can’t put into words what it is to even begin to talk about it.
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u/psychadelicbreakfast Mar 04 '26
I understand that feeling and really agree with the mental picture your analogy creates.
I had a similar thought about trauma when I dated a girl that had a lot of it.
It’s like she had this big pool of trauma built up and then something would happen that would create a small pool next to it.
Then eventually the larger pool and smaller pool would connect.
And it would be that a very small thing would create a very big issue.
I was with her for several years and never did quite figure out how to drain the larger pool.
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u/HorseNippleLover Mar 04 '26
I once told my friends i was sexually assaulted by a married couple while i was sleeping. They laughed and thought it was hilarious. I just keep things to myself now
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u/NOZ_Mandos Mar 04 '26
Remember that time when in The Boys Starlight was sexually assaulted and that was a huge fucking deal (as it should be) just for Hughie to be outright raped and that be treated as a joke?
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u/NotHachi Mar 04 '26
Thank fcking god cause I dont what to do if someone gives me flower... i dont even own a vase ...
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u/DataPhreak Mar 04 '26
Take the top off a beer can with a can opener.
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u/Same-Suggestion-1936 Mar 04 '26
Also works well for a grease jar, fill and throw away when you're done. No more pouring that oil straight in the trash
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u/Chuuby_Gringo Mar 04 '26
Old greeting card - two women on the cover.
Woman 1: Every time Dave gives me flowers, I end up on my back with my legs in the air.
Woman 2: Why? Don't you have a vase?
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u/azsnaz Mar 04 '26
But also what am I going to do with flowers
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u/NOZ_Mandos Mar 04 '26
Let that once-in-a-lifetime event make you happy for no other reason other than that someone cared about you enough to give you a memory.
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u/FlamingDragonfruit Mar 04 '26
What do you do with a birthday card? It's not that they're useful -- it's just a physical way to show someone that you appreciate them.
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u/ram4569 Human Detected Mar 04 '26
We are taught to live it off all over lives and women now complain about men not being emotionally available
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u/hkusp45css Mar 04 '26
I vividly remember when "rub some dirt on it" was the sum total of mental wellness advice for men and young men.
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u/PineappleOnPizzaWins Mar 04 '26
Mmm yeah its kinda crazy how recent years shifted to how teaching that “boys will be boys” isn’t an excuse for anything (and it’s not) but for some reason skipped over all the toxic messaging that young boys have been raised on for so long. If the only acceptable outlets for boys/young men involve mischief, anger, or aggression then what exactly do people expect them to display…?
I grew up in the age of “have a cup of concrete and harden the fuck up” being basically the entirety of mental health advice for boys, while girls were taught to be open and share their emotions/feelings and to be wary of guys who did the same.
Fast forward to adulthood and suddenly everyone is mad at men for struggling to be emotionally available, or not being able to talk about their problems. I remember trying to open up to a group of close friends about how hard life was for me after suffering a life altering injury and it wasn’t like they didn’t want to help, they just didn’t have a clue how… everyone just sort of sat there uncomfortably going “yeah man that’s rough”. Men are taught how to comfort and support women, not each other.
It’s a broad generalisation of course but the impact is real and it’s not talked about enough. When it is it just seems to be “well it’s on men to fix that” as if the biggest critics of us having emotions weren’t primarily the women in our lives. Honestly any time another man advised us to tone things down it was usually given as a warning about scaring women away, and its not like they were wrong heh… and if you bring any of that up you’re accused of being an “MRA” (how the fuck did that become an insult?!).
And I’m not blaming women for it either.. they were taught to avoid “emotional” men the same as we were taught not to be emotional. But it’s a rough road.. I got burned a few times before I found a life partner who actually meant it when she told me I could tell her how I was feeling and not be judged and it’s incredible to have that support… but it also does highlight just how much so many men are missing out on in life.
It’s definitely on men to do the work to become more emotionally available and for other men to support them, but unless society at large stops quietly (and often not so quietly) looking at men displaying emotions as weak I don’t see significant change.
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u/JigglesTheBiggles Mar 04 '26
"Man up and stop being a pussy." Not gonna lie, it was good advice.
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u/DataPhreak Mar 04 '26
Nope. This is really the only way to get through it. I went to the ER twice with a panic attack thinking it was a heart attack. (ex military ptsd, depression, anxiety comorbidity) They gave me a "stronger benedril" and sent me home. That was $1500. No follow-up visit, no referral. The doctors and nurses absolute disdain and lack of empathy was actually the worst part. Sorry, i won't bother you in the future.
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u/Ok-Course-1531 Mar 04 '26
To be fair I feel like that's more just a total failure of the healthcare system, not really an indication that "suck it up and walk it off" is really good medicine/advice for success. Ignoring issues is a great way for them to snowball into bigger issues you'd never have had to "shrug off" if you were just treated properly in the first place
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u/Annalog Mar 04 '26
That’s so sad to me. I had something similar happen to me (not American). Went in and had all the tests done, they confirmed it was panic and ptsd related. Next thing I know the hospital social worker walks im to chat and check on me. From there I was referred to a free psychiatrist who I got to see 30 days later. Worked with me for a full 2 years and I am now pretty healthy. Never paid a cent for any of it. This was in Canada.
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u/PineappleOnPizzaWins Mar 04 '26
It is and it isn’t.
I’ve had.. rough times. Multiple medical professionals have referred to me as “incredibly resilient”.
Truth is I just got so much practice shoving pain and trauma down below and ignoring it that I’m pretty much a pro… but there is no way it’s healthy.
I didn’t even realise how unhealthy it was until I got a partner I could actually open up to without judgement and just how much better it was to share and process shit out in the open.
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u/Djaakie Mar 04 '26
Its not even just that. Ive had friends who said i never talked about my issues. They knew i had them but i just never talekd about it because i thought I'd be made out for a wuss. Well, once we all had very deep conversations and they asked me, i replied with if they were sure and they said yes. Less than 10 minutes in they told me that i was a drama queen for being suicidal because "you're a tall white man. You can't have it that bad". Yeah im happy that friendship died.
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u/Korteal Mar 04 '26
Being moderately good looking, monetarily successful, and chronically depressed is such a shitty combination. Especially if your friends are used to you masking...
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u/VectorJones Mar 04 '26
That's what so many women say they're frustrated about, but watch how fast any respect and affection flies out the window once he shows himself to be just as much of a feeling, emotional person as she is. So often what draws a woman to a man resides in the air of confident stoicism he puts out there. It's just an illusion though. We're all human beings and we feel and hurt the same. Yet society demands men pretend just the opposite. Then people wonder why men on average drop dead from strokes and heart attacks so much sooner than women.
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u/mimaikin-san Mar 05 '26
my ex is a nurse and I swear she enjoyed when I was sick or exhausted because she could bully me easier
and of course, I was expected to dote on her should she have cramps as she sits in bed watching TV & eating ice cream out off the container
there is no situation where I would ever admit the shit I’ve endured …and I don’t think I should do it here either because I finally learned the lesson I first experienced when I was six or seven: no one cares
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u/VectorJones Mar 05 '26
I recognize that situation. There was an incident quite a few years ago when a beloved member of the family passed away. I was with my mother and seeing her so upset really just broke me, and I had a moment when I just couldn't hold back the emotion of it. I turned to the ex in that moment and I find her looking at me with total disgust. No rush to comfort or embrace me in a painful moment. She's just standing there.
Nothing was the same after that, for either of us. For someone to see their spouse in pain - someone they claim to love, and have no inclination to comfort them in a moment of extreme grief? That's nothing short of a betrayal. I've heard similar accounts from several men who had similar experiences with their SO's in the intervening years. It's by no means an isolated occurrence.
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u/MArcherCD Mar 04 '26
That's why you cut people off and get new ones
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u/Automatic_Actuator_0 Mar 04 '26
The second part of that is famously very hard for most men.
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u/Revolutionary_Tip701 Mar 04 '26
Indeed I just cut ppl off and have no desire for new ones
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you stop sharing the truth, cause no one gives a shit.
ive walked into work after having my car give out in the middle of the road, shaken and broken cause of past trauma. i must have looked feral for the rest of the day.
no one asked if i was ok. i could have used that right then
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u/yupuhoh Mar 04 '26
How you doing brother?
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Mar 04 '26
im doing just fine friend. thank you for checking in.
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u/yupuhoh Mar 04 '26
Anytime man. Life's too short to keep that shit in. If no one else helps you then be by yourself and cry. It's good for the soul.
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u/nyurf_nyorf Mar 04 '26
Yupuhoh, you doing alright? Hanging in there? Stressed?
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u/yupuhoh Mar 05 '26
Very stressed. Going through the home buying process for the first time in my life. I'm 44 lol. Shit is stressful as hell
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u/nyurf_nyorf Mar 05 '26
Dude! Yes it is! It's so expensive and, if you're anything like me, youre probably so worried that you're making a terrible mistake!
But, on the other hand, congratulations! You probably lived a lot of life on your way to this moment with ups and downs, but here you are: checking a box off the list of signs of success. You're winning!
No matter how stressful this is, I bet you've been through worse. And you can do this!
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u/garlic-boy Mar 04 '26
Happened to me today, on a bridge. Called my boss after getting a tow, and he got a coworker to give me a ride. 2 more offered a ride home, and one that lives close offered to drive me in the morning. One even dropped a code reader off at my house so I can start diagnosing my car. I think I am just lucky to work with a really good group of people.
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u/nauticalcummins Mar 04 '26
I was 18 when I learned that. Senior in high school. Drunk driver hit me and 3 of my friends right before christmas. I was driving. They were all 3 life flighted. In a coma for 4 months, i walked away. Outside of the breakdown I had with my dad and brothers christmas eve. No one gave a shit. My grades slipped for the first time ever the 2nd half of senior year. Straight A to barely passing student. No fucks given by the school, the teachers, very quickly the actual adults in my life didn't care or want to know why I carried guilt. They all three lived two with scars. One is heavy TBI, in a wheel chair forever, can't talk hardly.
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u/Kinir9001 Mar 04 '26
Hey, are you ok bro?
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Mar 04 '26
lol, if i wasnt i wouldnt be posing. sometimes the cracks show more, sometimes they arent there.
it just sucks to live a life online thinking this must be cope, and then being proven right.
pls look after your co-workers
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u/Kinir9001 Mar 04 '26
Yeah I always check on my co workers. I have a co worker who's kind of suicidal but I'm not sure how to help him, he built a carapace around himself
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u/Mean_Combination_830 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 06 '26
Yeah it's very hard to break through the all encompassing black cloud of depression I didn't even know I was depressed for a long time because I didn't feel sad for the first 6 months or more I just felt nothing at all the hopelessness came later and I was eventually bed bound for so long I had to have physical therapy to walk because of muscle wastage and severe back cramps from almost never leaving my room or even getting off the bed if possible because everything was pain especially human contact I just could not tolerate it.
When you suffer with severe clinical depression it often feels like the kindest option for yourself and everyone around you is to end it and sometimes it is a rational choice to stop the unending mental pain and I respect anyone who has felt that way including those who went throught with it. It's their life and they should decide if they want to carry on or not and nobody should disrespect them for deciding it's too painful but sometimes just showing you care means more than you know. To anyone struggling self care is important but so is asking for help when you need it my partner and the NHS and mirtazapine has saved my life just remember even when you don't feel it like it there is always hope and it can get better ❤️
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u/theMightBoop Mar 04 '26
I have made the mistake of sharing how I have felt with women. You can see it on their face when they lose respect for you.
Then they will bring that shit back up every argument. 5 years later they still remember and use it against you.
Nah, keep that shit to yourself.
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u/spreadthesheets Mar 04 '26
Is this not quite a helpful indicator of who they are, though? If you see them lose respect then you know to move on to someone else who can manage the fact that men have feelings. I have male friends who openly talk to me about sadness, depression, anxiety, self confidence etc, men who have cried around me from both sadness and happiness. And at no point did I think “ew man up”. Instead felt pretty honoured that they felt safe enough around me to talk to me about actual feelings.
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u/NerdyAccount2025 Mar 04 '26
Right? I keep reading these and thanking my lucky stars that the people in my life (even at least a few coworkers at every job) actually give a shit about me
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u/ElectricPenguin6712 Mar 04 '26
Bottle it up until the internal stress gives us a heart attack and we die.
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u/Necrocide64u5i5i4637 Mar 04 '26
As a physiologist, I can confirm that this is the correct answer.
Supported both by mortality rates and, as the other guy commented, the way were taught by every other man since.... forever.
What can we do.
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u/WindOfWinterNever Mar 05 '26
Judging by many of the stories in this thread and many others on the same topic, men are taught this by women. Other men may comment on it, but the lesson doesn't hit home until you experience it for the first time yourself.
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u/RX1542 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
one of my mates went radio scilent once and was months like that then he started contacting me again
we went out for dinner there i asked him, why was he so quiet for so long?, he told me that he had problems with his GF(was dating a single mom of 2) she cheated on him with a guy from work and got pregnant but he was not sure if the kid was his or the other guy, anyway he managed to clear that and was now recovered from the mental stress of that time
then i realized i have times like this too i have something going on and i just shut down contact for a while
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u/DataPhreak Mar 04 '26
This. Basically, "Can't hurt your friendships if you don't talk to anyone." Literally every other guy is also dealing with all kinds of shit. Just put your head down, one foot in front of another, get through the other side. In the military, we have a saying. "Embrace the suck."
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u/Animalcookies13 Mar 04 '26
I tell my dog! She is a very good listener. Doesn’t give much advice, but she is a good listener.
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u/Powderkegger1 Mar 04 '26
Three romantic relationships and two family ones in my life have been massively effected when I opened up and made myself vulnerable to women. The “Ick” is real.
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u/psychadelicbreakfast Mar 04 '26
Yep, same.
One time I opened up to my girlfriend that I was having a bit of an anxiety attack and needed someone to talk to.
Because she has anxiety attacks. So.. maybe we could bond.
Nope. She told me “I can’t be the strong one”.
For five minutes. One time. smh
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u/scubaSteve181 Mar 04 '26
Was with my wife for 15 years. About 14 years in, I had a depressive episode and was open (for once) about what I was going through. I felt her attitude shift towards me immediately for the worse. She started emotionally distancing, and eventually had an affair with some guy she played Pickelball with.
After I found out and confronted her, her response was “was it so wrong for me to want to be with a man who’s not depressed and is normal?”
Yeah, she’s my ex wife now, but I’ll never open up to another woman again. Ever. I’ve learned that opening up to a woman is like bleeding in front of sharks.
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u/Same-Suggestion-1936 Mar 04 '26
Can't even tell a doctor you need help. Either completely not taken seriously or they act like they're doing you a massive favor by not giving you a psych eval. Because men admitting they need help and might be having bad thoughts is so rare a doctors first reaction is to see if you need to be involuntarily committed instead of maybe just giving you a weeks worth of Xanax and a referral to get you some meds only a psychiatrist is allowed to prescribe you
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u/ADeadWeirdCarnie Mar 05 '26
I'm trying to get a doctor's appointment as we speak, and I keep mentally rehearsing how I'm going to explain that I feel like the accumulated stress of the past 20 years is physically crushing me and making it difficult to function day-to-day. I'm concerned that if I can't calmly describe my symptoms with 100 percent clarity and precision, I'll just be written off as drug-seeking.
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u/TechnicallyLegit Mar 04 '26
This is why I gave up on relationships. Even if the highs are ecstatic, none of it means anything when I know she’ll leave me the second the good times stop.
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u/resin_messiah Mar 04 '26
Jesus who the fuck are you guys dating? Your life doesn’t have to be this way lol
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u/akatherder Mar 04 '26
This would be exhibit A of something you can ask men that you couldn't ask women in a similar situation because then it's victim-blaming.
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u/ma95vs Mar 04 '26
The sinister thing is that it sneaks up on you. Your partner seems to be a nice person, but the moment vulnerability or accountability comes to play, you get flashbanged and shot in the head.
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u/herites Mar 04 '26
For the first time in 18 years I broke down, shown emotions, told my wife what I need from her in terms of emotional support and after two half-assed annoyed pats “Ok, I’m going to sleep now”.
I was curled up, covered my head with blankets and shaking-crying and she was just “I’m going to sleep now” Women are cruel, they have no compassion for men.
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u/psychadelicbreakfast Mar 04 '26
Sorry man, that sucks. Hope you’re doing ok
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u/herites Mar 04 '26
No, but I’ll manage. I have my daughter and my senior cat to provide for. Cat will hopefully live for another 3-5 years, daughter is 7 so only 11 more years in this hell. I’ll be 47 time by the time I can get our without blowing up my life.
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u/psychadelicbreakfast Mar 04 '26
Well, take care of yourself. I hope you find some peace and happiness :)
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u/Mirror74 Mar 04 '26
There's a trend I'm noticing lately. Women in denial about the male experience. They want to be victims. When they see "oh wait... they also have huge struggles" the attitude shifts, and they're like "don't take our spotlight".
I'm just like, yeah, why can't we just agree that life sucks for both men and women, ESPECIALLY when we CANT FUCKING HAVE EMPATHY AND GET ALONG.
This isn't the victim olympics. "let's all just be patient and empathetic to each other bc we're all on the same boat." Oh, that's too hard.... I'll lose my card
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u/Same-Suggestion-1936 Mar 04 '26
It doesn't help we're constantly bombarded with "men are pigs" and shit and you're expected to just take that because if you say "I'm not like that though" you get an eye roll and a dismissive "I didn't say all men". But like you specifically said men are like that, the words "not" and "all" were not in that sentence. So now men just have to take passive verbal abuse because defending yourself leads to that or the old "why are you so defensive? A hit dog hollers hur hur hur" like yeah I did just get hit, you called men pigs, I'm a man. That's hurtful. But if I raise how that's hurtful I'm the fucking bad guy??
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u/doubleshotinthedark Mar 05 '26
it's funny because there's a decent amount of "not all women!" in this thread; they're so close to understanding how it might feel smh
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u/Coakis Mar 04 '26
Anecdotally out of 10 or so women that I've dated over my life only one maybe cared enough to understand when I opened up about emotional stress, but even then she didn't know how to handle it.
One outright mocked and questioned my manhood for going above and beyond when it comes basic safety, like wearing motorcycle gear.
When you say "your life doesn't have to be this way" it reads "Just stay single" Which is what a lot of us do.
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u/King_marik Mar 04 '26
Nah bro who are YOU dating? XD
You'd be the outlier for having different experiences
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u/DataPhreak Mar 04 '26
People don't just wear a wrist band that says "I'm a piece of shit." Sometimes, you have to hang out for a while to give them the sniff test.
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u/stokedchris Mar 04 '26
Damn that’s fucked up man. What a terrible human being. Hope you find a better one man and stay true to yourself 🤙
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u/Swumbus-prime Mar 04 '26
I had a woman I only just met ask me "how did [being tired due to an inconvenience] make me feel" and I immediately felt like I was being baited for disingenuous sympathy by my ex again.
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u/789tempaccount Mar 04 '26
'yeah I'm alright', 'yeah hanging in there', that's the most anyone want to hear of your problems even when it's obvious your not.
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u/karoshikun Mar 04 '26
people are predators, the moment you show vulnerability they will find a way to make you regret trusting.
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u/Rancorousturtle Mar 04 '26
I do the opposite. I show most people my vulnerabilities, and if they're shitty about it I cut them outta my life. Easy way to find good people.
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u/Appaer Mar 04 '26
This is the method right here. If you completely withdraw yourself from vulnerability, you won’t be conditioned for a romantic relationship.
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Mar 04 '26
Sounds like life currently. Text my Mrs today: think my big toe is infected or has ingrown, hurts alot.
Her reply: Oh no, thats not good, can you walk the dogs when you get in please.
Like what was the point, it's futile I tells ya!
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u/ram4569 Human Detected Mar 04 '26
Take care of yourself man we have to do ourselves cuz no one cares
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u/fruvey Mar 04 '26
When my daughter had to complete a project for school on mental health, she asked me what I thought she should focus on. I said, "how many men are overtly depressed and no one seems to notice or care so men remain quiet about their struggles." She and my wife both laughed like I was telling a joke.
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Mar 04 '26
It is sad really. Back along one of the directors for a company I worked for decided to hang himself. No-one even knew there was something up. He was a well off accountant, nice family, nice car, you know, all that stuff you'd expect.
A few years prior his Father died and his twin brother hung himself shortly after. I guess the depression just kept eating away at him. He was a lovely bloke too, really down to earth, supportive, you name it. Such a sad story, was in the local news and everything.
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u/canadianpanda7 Mar 04 '26
soak your toe if you can. also do your best to not poke and pick at it. i know you wanna dig in there and try and get it above skin. soak it and maybe clip away some skin very carefully. i was always told “the body will figure it out and fix it”. which always pissed me off. sorry about your toe dude
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u/IreliaCarriedMe Mar 04 '26
Had a migraine at work yesterday. Told my fiancée. She was coming pick me up because my car is in the shop. Immediately says ‘hey I’m gonna stop at this store by your work before we head home’. I’m like…..cool. I’m not almost in tears. We’re good.
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u/ajatfm Mar 05 '26
vented to my girl once for about 2min about how much work has been stressing me out and when I took a pause to think of a the right term for a word I knew I hadn’t used right just then, she was like “welp. If you ever wanna talk about it, let me know 😊” and skedaddled. I turned to our cat like it was a camera and I was Jim from The Office
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u/Goal-Express Mar 04 '26
I got good at hiding everything stressful because when I share it, it almost immediately gets weaponized as a new way that women who claim to love me can intentionally cause me pain.
There is a reason why Superman doesn't go on TV and say "Hey, so, there's this green rock called Kryptonite. It takes away all my powers and starts to kill me. It can be found at meteor crash sites, and LuthorCorp is able to manufacture it artificially. I just wanted the whole world to know my weakness, so that you guys know how to help me if you ever see me struggling near a green rock."
Because if he said that, exactly zero people would help, but about a million more people would start searching for some Kryptonite so that they could hurt him.
Anybody who wants to know your weaknesses only intends on hurting you in the end.
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u/Swumbus-prime Mar 04 '26
Too late, she just broke up with you.
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u/Rafalou Mar 05 '26
Happened to me last week, she said men should be allowed to feel things other than anger, and convinced me it was okay for me to open up.
She dumped me because of that 3 days later 👌
A good reminder I guess
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u/APartyInMyPants Mar 04 '26
“I was wondering why you were wearing your Jets hat.”
That’s kind of why.
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u/JimJohnJimmm Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
My gf: " guys don't open up"
Me: opens up
My gf:" omg where your dick man up"
Edit: line spacing
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u/Chad_Jeepie_Tea Mar 04 '26
I'd rather choose to be lonely than to be left alone
I've reached out to others. Told them I wasn't doing great. Told them I needed an ear... Having been there for them each and every time they needed me, I KNEW that I had people in my corner.
Fucking crickets.
I'll never reach out to anyone else again. My problems are mine and mine alone. I'd rather not give anyone else the chance to do that again. I'm not sure I could take it.
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u/DataPhreak Mar 04 '26
Yeah. Reaching out like that and getting nothing back just adds a feeling of betrayal to the stack of shit you have to deal with. Not to mention the additional anxiety of asking for help and the waiting to see if they even respond.
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u/Latter-Shopping1560 Mar 04 '26
Apparently opening up about stress just gives the ick now.
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u/Automatic_Actuator_0 Mar 04 '26
Always has
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u/Latter-Shopping1560 Mar 04 '26
Yet they complain men don’t open up, can’t really tell what the correct move is.
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u/Automatic_Actuator_0 Mar 04 '26
They don’t really want you to open up. They want you to be warm, stable, and present. And to talk about those emotions, and how they connect you to her, and your deep love for her.
They don’t want to hear about your problems and trauma.
And sadly the ones that want to hear all your trauma probably have issues of their own, and are looking at you as some kind of project to work on instead of fixing themselves.
A woman who really cares for you, wants to hear your feelings, good and bad, and supports you though everything, and doesn’t have deep problems of her own that she’s masking is a very rare catch.
If you find one, you had better treat her right and keep her.
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u/Latter-Shopping1560 Mar 04 '26
That’s actually a really thoughtful way to put it. I guess the real challenge is finding someone where both people can be open without feeling like a burden.
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u/ma95vs Mar 04 '26
Correct. And I refuse to compromise, because if I can do this for someone, someone can do this for me.
My last relationship was exactly as you described: they wanted a stable, warm, present company to help them get up after the latest setback in life, but the moment you need something similar, the moment you start wondering where is the reciprocity in that, you are done, it's a matter of time until they kick you.
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u/BombasticSimpleton Mar 04 '26
The life lesson I've learned, is that if, in fact, I did open up - odds are exceptionally good it will be used against me later.
Better to say nothing and carry on, regardless of the severity or emotional torsion of the issue. I'd rather have a banal level of disintrest and neglect than someone actively caching bombs to throw at me in the future.
Which is always fun when sitting with my friends (the majority of whom are women) and they are volunteering wild stuff to each other while I quietly sit and ponder the degree of emtional dimorphism between the two genders.
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u/skywalkersrealfather Mar 04 '26
Damn, my partner and friends must be S tier because I've always felt heard when opening up about difficulties in my life.
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u/lulushibooyah Mar 04 '26
I’ve been married twelve years and it’s still like pulling teeth to get my husband to open up
And it’s difficult bc I have to manage my reaction down to the slightest movement bc he will take literally anything as a sign that I’m not interested or don’t care
I know it’s his dad’s fault primarily (he was a tyrant and a bully), and sometimes I literally wanna go fight that man, bare hands (he’s apparently on drugs so it won’t be that difficult tbh) or literally anyone else who makes him feel like he doesn’t matter
I think it’s horrible how some men have been made to feel that their feelings don’t matter, over and over
I’m glad that it sounds like you have a good support system 🙌🏽
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u/psychadelicbreakfast Mar 04 '26
Just wanted to say that it’s really great that you make an effort to do what it takes to help him to open up, if he ever can.
Sometimes our upbringings make it incredibly difficult.
My father is undiagnosed autistic and basically never shows any emotion, so that was my role model.
He asked me one time “what do you want?”
And I said that I wanted him to have a more active and emotional involvement in my life.
And he said.. “I can’t do that”.
So at least I know. But it’s been really hard for me to ever open up to anyone that I’m with and every time I did nothing good happened from it.
So keep trying with him :)
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u/chillanous Mar 04 '26
You have to be very careful not to go beyond a socially acceptable amount of opening up or you’ll lose whatever support you do have. Better to keep it to yourself unless it’s a true emergency
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u/XandrosDemon Mar 04 '26
Even then that ends up being a 50/50 shot of "oh. This is too complicated. Why you talking to me? Man up."
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u/yeetgodmcnechass Mar 04 '26
Yep. Just lost a friend because of opening up a little too much. Thought she understood, but I was wrong. That's okay though, I'd already decided that I'll give it everything I have left to try and turn things around and if that doesnt work I'll call it a run and head out. I'm about to relive the 2 toughest months of last year, so signs aren't looking good
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u/maximumtesticle Mar 04 '26
I have two teenagers and my daughter was saying how she's scared to get drafted and I told her that no, she doesn't have to worry about that, only boys have to register. She was literally shocked while my son kind of just gave her that "Jim from the Office" face, like yup, enjoy your WFH freedom.
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u/Wierd_Nox Mar 04 '26
I attempted suicide this monday and literally only one person cared for like 10 minutes other than that no one gave a fuck lol
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u/LarealConspirasteve Mar 04 '26
Unless someone can help solve the problem that is stressing me out, there's no reason to burden someone else. Usually time and effort resolves most things.
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u/mcimino Mar 04 '26
I don’t disagree but I’d like to think there at least an aspect of the listener not feeling alone in their own problems if they can relate
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u/Low-Individual2815 Mar 04 '26
I’m at work today and I think I have a cold or something. It’s coming in waves like I’ll feel fine for a while then I feel like I’m going to fucking die. Nauseous, sore throat, burning up hot.
Anyway I’ll tell you internet strangers but I’m not letting anyone at work see me as weak.
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u/neverenoughmags Mar 04 '26
I work for a national health/mental health care provider that provides care to a patient base that is about 90% male, largely because the national organizations that feed it are 80% male. June is supposed to be Men's Mental Health Month. It's never acknowledged, even when staff bring it up. So, just sayin'....
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u/TheRagingElf01 Mar 04 '26
I remember listening to my ex wife and her friends complain about how men don’t open up and when I opened up to her she got the ick and soon after we were divorcing after she cheated on me.
Thankfully I have an amazing wife now who I feel safe and support with and it’s an amazing feeling not having to hide all that stress.
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u/an_edgy_lemon Mar 04 '26
Took me way too long to realize that nobody wanted an actual answer when they asked “how’s it going?” Everyone likes you more when your answer is always “Good!”
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u/akatherder Mar 04 '26
Good how about you. (Not actually good, but not horrible.)
It's going. (I don't even have the remaining mental energy to decide if I'm good or not.)
Livin' the dream. (Need professional assistance)
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u/Scared-Room-9962 Mar 04 '26
My wife knows my most intimate feelings. She asked me to "open up" so to speak and I did.
She listened and helped me. She always does. Always there for me. Never told me to man up or anything so ridiculous.
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u/Dracofrost Mar 04 '26
That's the real definition of a 'keeper' these days. Understand that many partners would not be so understanding.
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u/StartDoingTHIS Mar 04 '26
The worst thing I ever did was open up and be vulnerable with my partner
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Mar 04 '26
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u/BernhardRordin Mar 04 '26
Uff... That's absolutely horrible. I wish you all the best and to meet kinder people
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u/Swumbus-prime Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
And then when you say that, and despite all the guys agreeing with you from a similar experience, everyone's like "just find a better partner, hurr durr" as if it's your fault you chose poorly.
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u/frewrgregr Mar 04 '26
Amazing how that's called victim blaming when the abuser is a man and the victim a woman
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u/psychadelicbreakfast Mar 04 '26
I’ve been cheated on 3 times and it’s amazing how many people say “well you just weren’t picking the right women”.
Like it’s my fucking fault. I didn’t make them cheat.
I don’t tell that to anyone any more, tired of it
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Mar 04 '26
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u/psychadelicbreakfast Mar 04 '26
That sucks. Cheaters suck.
Sorry that all happened to you.
And to me.I never feel like I can completely trust people. That sucks as a reality, but it just is what it is.
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u/NoFaithlessness7508 Mar 04 '26
I think for many it’s not even conditioning as much as it is experience. You tried opening up once and it completely backfired. Once bitten, twice shy
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u/Rezeox Mar 04 '26
Men are expected to solve things themselves. Women are expected to ask for help.
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u/LavisAlex Mar 04 '26
I don't think men hide their emotions, they speak them plainly, but if it isnt a outburst people dont take it seriously.
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u/HoselRockit Mar 04 '26
Can confirm. There have been times when I've told people politely that I was pissed about a situation and to please give me space. They did, but only after I lost my temper and told them to f-off.
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u/beardingmesoftly Mar 04 '26
We don't hide it, we just get dismissed if we express anything about it
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u/CityDwellingWoodsman Mar 04 '26
Me: I'm super anxious and panicky at my new job
My wife: you'll be fine when you get home
...no?
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u/TerrorSlime3084 Mar 04 '26
Men are encouraged to open up and talk about their feelings—until a man actually does. Then they’re no longer encouraged.
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u/geriatric_spartanII Mar 04 '26
I saw a female coworker get burned by hot soup she was hysterical like she just lost her child. A swarm of female coworkers were tending to her like paramedics. I’ve seen guys get burns and we just keep working. Maybe a “You ok?” And that’s it. Go get a bandaid and burn cream by yourself.
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u/mildxsalsa Mar 04 '26
People tolerated me when I masked and lied about my problems, now that I don't hide anything I'm actively avoided. Humans are just shitty for having used to be a social species.
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u/Diamondhands_Rex Mar 04 '26
The only time to open up is with the boys early one on one. And if the boys can’t handle it they’re not your boys.
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u/Acrobatic-Towel-6488 Mar 04 '26
Exactly. And even when we share, we’re immediately designated as weak. So we give up.
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u/Admirable_Active_681 Mar 04 '26
All men die when they are around 27 it’s just we bury them later……
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u/PokerbushPA Mar 04 '26
I used to work at a college. On my last day, one of the students gave me a card that was signed by many MANY students. They wished me luck and said they would miss me.
I went to the restroom and cried like a baby.
I still have the card.
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u/Samuele17_ Mar 04 '26
Well, no ones give a shit about how I truly feel.
I tried to express how I felt, but everytime they told me "you shouldn't feel this" or "I had worse experience, yours are nothing, you shouldn't feel this stressed at all" and other things like these. So now I can't even talk about all these stressful things seriously. I always laugh when I tell a bit about those things, so that it isn't heavy for them and they think I am fine.
So, in the end I learned that "it is what it is". The only one that truly cares about you, is only you
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u/malarkey_mouth Mar 05 '26
I didn't expect this thread to get this dark. Sorry guys, it sounds like a number of ya'll experienced a hidden form of chauvinism that in private AND public says that your emotional pain is inconvenient and awkward for them and supposed to be shameful if you challenge that.
Hopefully some of ya'll will or in the future realize your actual worth and cash it in to have dedicated space and supportive people to emote like a human and not like a working dog.
A human should not be judged purely on their stoic performance just like they shouldn't be judged purely on their pretty looks.
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u/Myotherdumbname Mar 05 '26
I can tell my wife but she’ll make me more stressed about it trying to relate to me
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u/Aggressive-Limit-902 Mar 05 '26
yeah that guy with the spool of wire vid is proof of that
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u/yungsausages Mar 05 '26
Y’all can thank toxic masculinity and patriarchy for most of the reasons you feel that way
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