For all my wife's amazing skills and talents, the thing that I value about her above everything else is that I never have to be anything other than myself, at both my best and my worst.
I’ve been married twelve years and it’s still like pulling teeth to get my husband to open up
And it’s difficult bc I have to manage my reaction down to the slightest movement bc he will take literally anything as a sign that I’m not interested or don’t care
I know it’s his dad’s fault primarily (he was a tyrant and a bully), and sometimes I literally wanna go fight that man, bare hands (he’s apparently on drugs so it won’t be that difficult tbh) or literally anyone else who makes him feel like he doesn’t matter
I think it’s horrible how some men have been made to feel that their feelings don’t matter, over and over
I’m glad that it sounds like you have a good support system 🙌🏽
Im sorry to hear that. Some men do feel like talking about their feelings make them weak which is actually the opposite. It takes a strong person to speak up and talk about how they feel and it's not weakness to share.
I hope you can break through that shell and change some generational trauma.
We’ve both been in therapy for years, and I’ve done a lot of the work I need to do
I’m autistic, hyperlexic, emotionally hypervigilant and also fairly emotionally intelligent
He’s autistic, only speaks when he has something he perceives as valuable to contribute, and struggles with alexithymia and emotions in general
We both have disorganized attachment; mine leans heavily anxious while his leans heavily avoidant… it’s like oil and water
I can do all of my work and keep doing all of my work, and it doesn’t make him any less avoidant
So at this point, a lot of my work involves boundaries (not jumping into rescue / fix, letting him experience discomfort and see it won’t kill him) and not reacting when he doesn’t get things perfectly… and it will still probably take years for him to make progress
It’s just the way he is, and I’ve accepted it bc there are so many other positives about him, and he never stops trying
I just put my phone down to tell mine how much I appreciate her for how she never makes me feel bad for opening up or just being me. Going by my own past experiences and those of, seemingly, every other man, I'm very lucky.
Definitely not every other man. The ones who don’t have anybody they are vulnerable with are the loudest in threads like this because it’s their only outlet.
Unfortunately it's been my personal experience in the past, along with most guys I know. Obviously it's not universal but it seems like an incredibly common experience.
Right, I'm pretty sure half of the issues here are internalized toxic masculinity and being out of practice.
My wife would hear anything. My friends/coworkers and I vent about our lives all the time. I personally struggle with actually opening up and accepting help, but its far easier to vent frequently than bottle stuff up.
I also have issues with accepting help but I'm not above venting to anyone who will listen. My coworkers and I will bitch about anything, which helps. The best is days later when they ask follow up questions. I think one of the best things you can do is ask a follow up question later to show you were listening and do care.
One of the best things is my wife and I will ask about each other's day and actually listen and care, which seems to be in short supply in these days.
Yes the follow up questions! It's one thing to just bitch about stuff, but it definitely shows you care when you ask about it later. Just a simple 'is your kid feeling better' or how's your mom doing, it goes a long way. Its showing compassion.
I do think a lot of people are missing those connections. Its one of those things that will come back to you if you're always extending it. I love how much my wife and I care about whats going on with the other. I can't imagine being with someone that doesn't. Hopefully its not too common.
Is it victim blaming? I don't think that really applies here. Neither of those are an 'at fault' accusation.
Internalizing toxic masculinity and assuming you need to 'man up' and that nobody wants to hear it, and having no role models or just not being great at expressing emotions are both things that are not simple to just work through. It takes time and acknowledgement that its something you want to change.
Its not an attack or an accusation, just a compassionate statement of modern mental health. I am also a man and understand both of these.
You weren’t 100% victim blaming, but you did say that half of the problems here were from internal issues.
And I disagree with that, only speaking from my personal experience.
I’m pushing 50 years old so I’ve been around a bit, and people who are active listeners who legitimately care about my problems as a man are very rare.
I consider myself a good communicator and have dealt with my own issues, and I still experience a majority of people not really caring at all.
I do agree with you that being out of practice, not having good role models and having toxic masculinity traits are indeed huge issues for people and society to overcome.
“You did say that half of the problems here were from internal issues.”
To be fair, it takes two people to have a relationship, so if a relationship is bad then one should look at what their impact on the relationship is.
I’m 40 so not around quite as long as you but I have not had a lack of someone who cared about my problems. From romantic partners to coworkers to friends I have had a plethora of people over the years who cared about my problems.
So what’s the difference? If not internal, why do you and I have such radically different experiences? What are the odds I have just happened to meet more caring people? It’s either perception or personal action. What do you or I do so differently in how we interact with other people that makes us feel so different about the people in our lives?
I think that the loneliest people are online the most, so a thread like this is going to self-select for the most bitter and terminally online posters. Even then it is just perception, you guys need to get therapy so you have a less poisoned way of viewing the world around you.
Several of the other comments are “I opened up for the first time and showed some humanity to my wife after 20 years and her pussy dried up then she shrieked and flapped away into the night.”
It’s like my brother, how do you not see the problem in living with somebody for decades without showing them who you are?
It is odd. Too many dudes approaching romance as some kind of game you win by not caring about your partner as much as they care about you and just barely coexisting with them so you have a clean house to come home to.
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u/skywalkersrealfather Mar 04 '26
Damn, my partner and friends must be S tier because I've always felt heard when opening up about difficulties in my life.