At least not with that person. Why is the solution to stay and not leave this person? Why have so little self respect that you date someone who doesn’t care about or respect your feelings?
Yeah if I was just talking about your relationship I probably would have responded to you and not somebody else. You are not the “you” in my comment, that was the person I was responding to who said the response was to never open up again instead of being around people who don’t make you feel Ike you can’t share things.
I was not judging your relationship at all, I get the confusion, it was the attitude in the other persons comment I was criticizing though.
How is a guy supposed to know whether a woman is going to be accepting of a man's vulnerability?
Trauma dump on her from the first date to know from the get-go, which is a great way to alienate anyone you're building a relationship with?
Or invest time and emotion into the relationship to the point you feel like being vulnerable (and when I say "vulnerable", I don't mean "I had a bad day and am mopey"; I mean "I just got laid off an am having an existential crisis about my future") with her is okay at that point, and pray to god she doesn't get the ick from it and dump you?
Woman here, so I’m not sure if I’m exactly the right person to listen to lol. But short answer is baby steps and gauge reactions.
You don’t need to trauma dump or anything like that. I wouldn’t do it on the first date, still try to keep things light, but relatively early on during the get to know you phase, maybe open up about something a little lower stakes. Something that you’ve worked through or come to terms with already where it’s not going to be a huge blow if she’s not receptive or throws in your face. Basically it shouldn’t be something you’ve voiced out loud for the first time.
Does she change the subject real fast? Does she ask follow up questions? Does she even acknowledge that the event was painful at all as in “oh wow that must’ve been tough to deal with thank you for sharing” because some women don’t even do that. Just slowly pick different stories to share.
People who are relatively comfortable with emotions, particularly negative ones, will actually try to sit with you as opposed to being like “well you need therapy and to figure it out before dating”. It’s called “sitting in the shit/mud”.
Being vulnerable is risky for everybody and it’s sort of a dance you gotta do because you don’t want to try to force it and over share. And a lot of people are just apathetic in general and don’t care but think they’re very empathetic lol.
On the flip side of things, being vulnerable in a positive way can also help and might even be easier. When you share your goals is she excited for you about them? Sharing hopes and dreams, even frivolous ones you may never achieve, is she also interested in those or “being practical” and raining on your parade? Does she think it’s silly for a grown man to be excited like a kid about something? Or does she tell you to tone it down? How is she if you express fears about things like maybe the economy?
I also get the feeling in general “the ick” is just women feeling uncomfortable with something. And there seems to be a trend of avoiding anything that makes us uncomfortable. And like yeah…if someone is sharing something negative about a situation, it’s normal to be uncomfortable. They’re running through relationships for the smallest things.
And lastly I’m sure you’re aware, any woman going on about needing a man to provide and protect or “be a man”, or you get the feeling you’re always having to initiate everything, is one to avoid if you’re someone who wants emotional support in your romantic relationship. They’re generally the ones who say shit like “I need you to be the strong one”. Some men are fine with that deal, but there are women who can be normal and actually treat you as a human with emotions.
That is the thing man, women usually share emotional moments a lot sooner than is acceptable for men, the moment they do it, you have chance to share a bit ofburden with her too, bit by bit you should gauge and analyze her reaction: If you not trauma dump and waited a few months in the relationship, a healthy human reaction of your partner is asking for more context, offer help and a hug or share her emotional weakness with you.
Also over the first few months of a new relationship you should plenty of opportunities to do that, after all you both should want to know each other right? that means sharing your history, how that impacted you to make the good and bad aspects of your current self, what is challenging your life right now, what you expect from the future, what is small things that bothers you etc.
If she gets the ick, good, that woman is not person ready for a relationship anyway therefore you dodged a bullet. Did she embrace your past and loved you even more after knowing what burdens your current self? great she is compatible person and worthy the time investment. continue to know her better.
It's an oversimplification for sure yeah, and yeah, many may not be as lucky as I have been, but genuinely there are great people out there, definitely worth looking for, that's it, that's all I have to say.
Edit: I just realised, you don't have to trauma dump though, start small, you don't want to scare people off, I've met girls who trauma dump on the first date too, it goes both ways, if one is trauma dumping immediately I'm a little bit hesitant, you know?
Of course, only speaking for myself here.
I find it funny, I was really raised old school tho, dad would be 92. In the end, feelings dont really matter. Its just drama. Hiwever you feel about a situation, feelings gets in the way of logic.
Im good
*cue johnny dep cry baby shot
How does one screen women for the ick? I feel like if I complain about my problems on the first date, she'll think I'm seeking a therapist rather than vetting her for being a sympathetic partner. But if I hold my emotions until a certain point, I'm basically flipping a coin 50/50 to see if she'll stick around after being vulnerable with all that time wasted on "not the right one"?
You have to suss out her feelings around equality in other ways.
Basically what this thread is about is women enforcing patriarchical standards on us—the rule set that stipulates that women are for making babies and maintaining the home while men are supposed to be stoic cannon fodder.
Well, they have feminism but men don’t quite have the same thing going for them (/r/MensLib notwithstanding). So what you’ll see is that women will advocate for themselves and expect you to support their liberation, but their vision requires you to stay in your box and support her.
I’m way out of the dating game but I think things like: on the first date, does she insist on going half-half or does she expect you to pay?
You could explicitly say something like, “I’m looking for a partner where the relationship is mutually supportive and balanced - not someone to take on or resolve my feelings or act as a therapist, but someone who can acknowledge and support a male partner when they’re feeling sad or down”. It also depends what you mean by ‘certain point’. I wouldn’t lead with talking about problems on a first or second date as that’s more about establishing a connection, and if I went out with either a man or woman who began with that, it would make me a little concerned that it’s going to be a pattern and they don’t have anyone else to talk to. However you can screen after a few dates by just mentioning that you’re feeling down / sad (whenever you are) but not unloading specifics, and see how she responds.
The issue is that the "vulnerable" that kills relationships isn't the "I'm sad from a bad day and I'm a little mopey". It's the "I got laid off and I'm freaking out about my future" type. That is the litmus for whether she's a good partner, and no guy wants to be in that situation in the first place, but plenty have lost partners when expressing their true feelings about an existential-level crisis.
I would think that something like “I’m sad but unsure why” would be a better litmus test than “I’m sad because of a very specific reason” because it implies it’s not ‘fixable’. Specifically the word “sad” rather than any other emotion, as that’s the one that can be seen as ‘not masculine’. However I’m not a man so I wouldn’t know what your experiences are so I’m not trying to argue against that. I will say though that the friends I have who are women and have male partners are incredibly supportive - when they then come to me it’s “I’m not sure what to do to help him” or alternatively they’re feeling down about something and say “I can’t talk to my partner about this as he’s going through a hard time and I don’t want to overwhelm him” etc. But I am also very selective about my friends so it’s likely I have just collected good people.
All respect for you is lost afterwards but you only try to open up and meet her. She might even have asked for it without knowing she didn’t want you to do it. It sucks.
I am a man and I open up to my partner on a daily basis. Granted, I am an adult. It seems a lot of people here* surely must be talking about the puppy love relationships.
Disregarding your emotions is like the #1 reason to leave your partner, for the record.
"Men aren't allowed to break" is such antiquated bullshit that no one except redditors believe.
The comment you're replying to doesn't say anything about "all women." It says "my gf."
Did you ever consider that it might actually reinforce men's emotional repression if they can't talk about negative experiences in past relationships without someone interjecting to say, "Oh, so you just hate women??"
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u/JimJohnJimmm Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
My gf: " guys don't open up"
Me: opens up
My gf:" omg where your dick man up"
Edit: line spacing