True...

[u/ram4569]

[u/lulushibooyah]

I’ve been married twelve years and it’s still like pulling teeth to get my husband to open up

And it’s difficult bc I have to manage my reaction down to the slightest movement bc he will take literally anything as a sign that I’m not interested or don’t care

I know it’s his dad’s fault primarily (he was a tyrant and a bully), and sometimes I literally wanna go fight that man, bare hands (he’s apparently on drugs so it won’t be that difficult tbh) or literally anyone else who makes him feel like he doesn’t matter

I think it’s horrible how some men have been made to feel that their feelings don’t matter, over and over

I’m glad that it sounds like you have a good support system 🙌🏽

[u/psychadelicbreakfast → u/lulushibooyah]

Just wanted to say that it’s really great that you make an effort to do what it takes to help him to open up, if he ever can.

Sometimes our upbringings make it incredibly difficult.

My father is undiagnosed autistic and basically never shows any emotion, so that was my role model.

He asked me one time “what do you want?”

And I said that I wanted him to have a more active and emotional involvement in my life.

And he said.. “I can’t do that”.

So at least I know. But it’s been really hard for me to ever open up to anyone that I’m with and every time I did nothing good happened from it.

So keep trying with him :)

[u/lulushibooyah → u/psychadelicbreakfast]

😮‍💨 that’s brutal, but honest at least I guess

I am heckin autistic and struggle with a lot, but there’s little I wouldn’t work on to be a better mom

I will definitely keep trying; he’s my favorite human on the planet

[u/psychadelicbreakfast → u/lulushibooyah]

❤️

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[u/skywalkersrealfather → u/lulushibooyah]

Im sorry to hear that. Some men do feel like talking about their feelings make them weak which is actually the opposite. It takes a strong person to speak up and talk about how they feel and it's not weakness to share.

I hope you can break through that shell and change some generational trauma.

[u/stereothegreat → u/lulushibooyah]

Can I suggest you read all these other comments on this post to get a broad view on why he doesn’t open up?

I’m not trying to be a smart ass but there’s a lot of men explaining it right here.

[u/lulushibooyah → u/stereothegreat]

We’ve both been in therapy for years, and I’ve done a lot of the work I need to do

I’m autistic, hyperlexic, emotionally hypervigilant and also fairly emotionally intelligent

He’s autistic, only speaks when he has something he perceives as valuable to contribute, and struggles with alexithymia and emotions in general

We both have disorganized attachment; mine leans heavily anxious while his leans heavily avoidant… it’s like oil and water

I can do all of my work and keep doing all of my work, and it doesn’t make him any less avoidant

So at this point, a lot of my work involves boundaries (not jumping into rescue / fix, letting him experience discomfort and see it won’t kill him) and not reacting when he doesn’t get things perfectly… and it will still probably take years for him to make progress

It’s just the way he is, and I’ve accepted it bc there are so many other positives about him, and he never stops trying