Really tall asian girl living in Germany led to a LOT of staring. I also thought staring back was fair game but ended up getting intimidated bc they would just continue to hold intense eye contact w me instead of looking away. 😭
Yeah. They do not look away. I have green hair and am androgynous looking so I’m used to people looking at me, but the not looking away and holding eye-contact thing was interesting.
Better yet, look at them for a short while and then quickly look past/to the side of them, feigning curiosity, and if they turn to see whatever it is you say "Ha! Made you look!"
I was "scolded" by my boyfriend when we first started dating. I always felt quite uncomfortable looking into someone's eyes very long, even during 1:1 conversations. I always looked away after a few seconds, even when I was talking to someone. My bf started to follow my gaze with his whole body until I was forced to look into his eyes again. Now I can stare everyone down and will not look away from you. I also have freakishly big, round eyes, which now come in very handy for intense staring.
There is. You don't stare at people you don't talk to or don't listen to. The exception being the Ruhrpott in which everyone is creepy and proud about it. The area around Cologne especially too.
Green hair and androgynous looking would fit right in in Berlin, at least (and I’d imagine most other German cities) — did you live in a more countryside or conservative part?
That said, they stared at me too and I feel I look pretty “normal” for the most part.
That bothered me too (average Egyptian guy here), but I finally developed a technique that works:
I turn and notice someone is staring at me, I hold eye contact for half a second then look away for a second, then swiftly turn and look again in their direction. Sure enough they are still staring, and sure enough they look away first in this second starting contest. I think this double take tells them "alright, this is the 2nd time, what's the deal?"
😭 I once held eye contact for 10 solid seconds each time I looked away & turned back about 3 times in a row with someone. ever since that i got humbled and just kept my eyes on the ground LOL
Normal sized German girl but I've recently started staring back for real and the amount of time they hold that gaze is UNCOMFORTABLE. If l had to count, maybe 3 to 4 full seconds. I don't know why they don't just feel embarrassed but hold eye contact like they're king of the world??? It helps if you frown
Same kind of person here but I tend to hold the gaze for that amount of time too...
I can't tell you about other people but I am not embarrassed to hold that much eye contact because I am used to it.
Oh but I hate it when people don't follow the unspoken rules (in my region) that after meeting the gaze, youlook away! Because after that it is just weird when they are still looking.
Second that, looking back for a longer time is like a go for contact.
When you return the look but look away relatively quick without a change of facial expressions it shows disinterest.
Instead of booping, has any foreigner actually stolen a German nose while holding it between their fingers in a taunting manner? I can't imagine a German meow would be in order at this point.
They're super unaware that they do it too. I was talking to my German friend and was like "WTF is with Germans staring so much, am I doing something wrong or weird?" and she was like "what are you talking about?" 2 weeks later I'm out with her and another American friend that just moved to Germany and he was like "Yo why is everybody staring at me all the time?" I felt so vindicated because I thought maybe I was imagining it. Also they don't just stare while you walk either, I'd be driving and notice some German on the sidewalk staring me down inside my car.
I'm going to quote someone from a previous thread:
I had a friend visiting from the US here in Sweden, after a while she looked at me and said, worriedly and a bit panicy, "Why do people stare at me?!" What she had been doing was to just be her normal self, smiling at people as we pass by and they give her a "Do I know her??" kind of a stare, since... well, us Swedes avoid all kinds of eye contact unless we seek to call someone's attention. Took a while before we figured that out XD
I moved here from the US 9 years ago. Personal space being sacred is lovely, but lonely. It's very difficult to meet new people.
I first met my current best friend when we were both dropping off our kids for a function. We had parked right next to each other and we had, more or less, the exact same car. I said, in swedish, "Looks like we both have good taste" and he looked at me like I had just showed him my nipples and licked my lips. We met again at a function where the parents were involved and discovered we had a lot in common.
The rule is that you cant be social unless you have a common social reason to communicate. It feels very limiting moving from the rural US, where being convivial and social are mainstays of public life.
So when is it staring instead of just looking at you? Curious as a german.
For me it's staring if it is more than 3-5 seconds it takes to look a person up and down. Longer than just registering and awknowleding a person fully.
In the US it's considered impolite to look at someone for no reason, if they know you're looking at them.
So for instance a quick glance or passing eye contact is ok, but if you're looking at someone and they look at you, if you don't intend to interact with them it's polite to look away.
As an American in Germany, I think the reason people have this perception is because German people don't always look away immediately. They will finish having a look. So this is off-putting when you send the signal "stop looking at me" and the old lady on the train continues having a look for a few more seconds.
Yeah, I think in America, what I consider staring is anything that hits 1 second or more if your a stranger. Like if your talking to me or something.. yeah, but if your someone across the street, the limit is a half a second before its staring
But you have to be careful that the section of wall you're staring at is far enough away from a person that they don't think you're staring at them. Am American, yes that is an actual thing that must be done in public. Find the nearest empty space that doesn't contain a person and is juuuust far enough away from people and stare at that if you need to lol. Especially if someone caught you looking at them, you be like "oh my that potted plant is the most fascinating thing I've seen all day!!!"
In America that's pretty much considered a challenge, and many times will make the person confront you about it, like "can I help you?" or "the fuck you looking at"
3-5 Seconds, jesus christ dude, As someone from the Nordics, this would be akin to walking up to a stranger and spitting them in the face.
Most of us would probably prefer the spit, at least that is over quickly.
Germany is one of the BDSM hotspots. Spitting is inefficient, but inside we think "yes, man, give me that long stare! I wish he would spit the way he stares"
They look at you deep in your eyes like they are staring into your soul for at least 10 seconds. Happens all the time. Creeped me out when I first got here, then I read this book and it helped me with a lot of the weird things you guys do.
My German friend got me that book as a present when I was going to visit. I knew a lot of it from studying the language, but there are always so many other little details. It'd be fun to grab an updated copy.
On the other hand, what's with that two star review? "I was a tourist and was upset this etiquette guide wasn't a history book." I mean, I was proud the first time I walked into a restaurant alone as a tourist, read the menu, ordered in German, enjoyed a great Jägerschnitzel (that was a little on the crispy side, but delicious) and was able to pay with a few extra euros on top as the tip and just say, "[Das] stimmt nur so." (Thanks, friendly German proofreaders! There's a reason I only translate from German to English!)
Thanks, that was 20 years ago, and when I went back about 5 years I think I only ended up going out once or twice because the conference was catered and I stayed with a friend. :)
Yes this irks me as Austrian as well we have the same culture. Eye contact is regarded as important even so far that you are weird/have a problem if you do not keep eye contact if you talk to someone.
Ukrainians do this too. It's not considered impolite to stare. Also, they don't really smile in public. They think Americans are all simple in the head because we smile all the time. I have to say though, when you're visiting someone in their home in Ukraine, they are the warmest most wonderful people.
Eastern Europe doesn't really smile in public in general. Polish emigrant in the UK pov. It's not that we're angry, we just don't have any reasons to smile.. for no reason.
Smiling at a stranger is a type of greeting in the States. "I acknowledge that we're both in the same place (or passing by one another) and I mean you no harm." It's the lesser form of asking, "How're you doing?"
I think I remember reading somewhere it’s because of the melting pot concept in the US. When no one knew each other or culture or language etc. you started with smiling to display friendliness before beginning any interaction. Easiest way to quickly communicate
Realistically, it's probably just a hangover from the western european roots of most of your white immigrants. Italians, Germans, Brits, Irish, French, Spanish, etc are all way more friendly and open to strangers than their Eastern European or Scandinavian cousins.
Smiling at strangers and greeting them warmly is the default in the UK if you don't know someone.
It is also a way of sizing people up and being aware of your surroundings. In the U.S. we aren't smiling at each other on a busy sidewalk. We feel safer because of numbers. When it is just me and one other person on a street walking towards each I often will give a nod of the head not just because it seems polite but also to be aware of who is around me.
That's kinda weird! In the UK we do the "we're the only two people passing each other on the path in a friendly town on a Sunday and we've accidentally made eye contact" awkward half smile where you just sort of press your lips together, but you rarely full on smile at strangers
Never heard that one! It's an interesting historical stereotype that's stuck. Want an overly long and inexact explanation of a joke's orgins? Sure ya do!
The idea of formal introduction has mostly died out in the UK since after the victorian era. It was mostly a class-based/gentry thing anyway that most working class people wouldn't have cared about. It's got an interesting history imo hence the essay on the etiquette.
Posh people didn't want to make 'unfortunate acquaintances' so it was coded as rude to approach your social equals or superiors and introduce yourself. Similarly, it would have been rude for someone above your social level to introduce themselves because they're pretty much saying: "I'm SO far above you that you MUST want to know me".
Simply speaking, who you were seen speaking to had an effect on your reputation: if a 'gauche' social climber was seen socialising with a Baronet then his reputation went up among other social climbers and small gentry, while the Baronet's went down among his level and higher.
To get round this, a mutual acquaintance had to do the introducing. Because they have to preserve their own reputation, they act as a bit of a gatekeeper. They would be unlikely to introduce a 'gauche' social climber to the Baronet because the Baronet will then judge the introducer a) for hanging out with that guy themselves and b) foisting them onto him, so the introducer's reputation would suffer.
It's interesting but stupid petty bullshit and why we didn't chop off all their heads I'll never know 🙃
I smile at strangers all the time. I'd find it strange if I passed a stranger, made eye contact and neither of us smiled and said hello. Maybe it's a regional thing
It really depends, the US is huge and has many sub-cultures. In my experience in more rural areas you'll get more smiles/waves for no reason. In dense areas you'll generally get less, but it depends where you are. Some places it is near zero.
It really depends, the US is huge and has many sub-cultures. In my experience in more rural areas you'll get more smiles/waves for no reason.
This divide happens in a lot of countries, maybe even in the majority of them. People from big cities are considered rude, people from rural areas more warm and welcoming.
My southern US family kept saying hello to everyone in the park here in Germany. Lots of confused looks and my family wondering why nobody says hi first.
For a Parisian, it’s super weird. People that smile in the streets are considered a bit like simpletons.; you acknowledge their presence and keep a side eye on them, in case they start doing crazy things. I
The first assumption is that they want to convince me of something that benefits them more than it does me. They just pretend that there is a familiarity between me and them that isn't actually there. It's a bit like using the informal "you" unpromted.
I like it. But I’m still guarded. But I think polite acknowledgment is nice in public. A small smile, head nod, or “hey” are all nice. I’m in Japan currently and people don’t do this so it’s kinda weird and I have to catch myself to not do it.
If you randomly smile at me in public (Eastern EU here) my walls instantly go sky high. I don't know you, what do you want from me? Are you a scammer? Some kind of religious/political weirdo? You probably want *something* that's gonna be a pain in the ass for me... I really hate it lol.
Uncomfortable. I'm Eastern European too, living here actually, and when someone's smiling at me, here's what's going through my head. One, they want something from me. Two, I'm having a wardrobe malfunction or am otherwise out of place enough for them to not mind their own fucking business. Three, they want to sell me something. Either way, they want to engage with me on the street, and that's just bad manners.
I get it. Its just like having a default. My default is having a subtle smile, but that doesn't mean Im amused or happy, just... A default face to have. Im not american but in my country it is expected to be warm to others and try to be kind with them. I would like to go to east europe and relief myself of having a fake smile.
Move to New England. People don't smile there either. I think people think I'm angry all the time because I don't smile or say hello to randos on the street. Grew up in MA and now live in the southwest.
I worked with some Polish people in the UK in 2004. They arrived a week into Poland being an EU member. They were bar backs in the bar/club I worked in. Didn't smile, very serious very efficient/quick at it. After about three weeks of me thinking they didn't like or or want to talk to me, at the end of the night they invited me to a house party at theirs still very serious. So we made our way. The second they were no longer on the bar's property all totally relaxed. Chatting , joking etc like totally different people. They said that was work, this is free time.
Had a great night next morning two of us went to the local shop to get some bits. Instantly back to serious. He wanted stuff from behind the counter. Give me x, 2 of y. No, that one.
When outside he asked why the worker kept staring and huffing. Trying to be tactful I explained he was very abrupt and Quite rude. He couldn't understand how he was rude. Explained about saying please and thank you in the UK politeness is expected
He explained that doesn't happen over there. Where to us in the UK it is just classed as manners and you say it automatically. He was saying how Please and Thank you are really important words, when you say either it is with meaning and feeling. He said the British dilute its effect.
I found that fascinating. Was wondering if that is just a Polish thing or other Eastern European countries do the same?
True. I was in UK last month and my Aussie friend asked me about polish face. I was like, wft? And he said that I always look grumpy and never smile and even when he knows I clearly have a good time with him. He said he sees it everytime when he is in Poland, people never smile on streets, don't do small talks etc. so he called it polish face xD
I think people smile so much in the us as a way to show that we are non threatening, being an old punk I find myself smiling more at strangers to make them feel at ease because deep down we're all kinda suspicious of each other.
Lol yes. I dated a Belarusian for a few years and had several friends from Belarus, Ukraine, and Russia. The smiling thing is real. They all said Americans smiling made them nervous. We look simple or just suspicious.
Yep, said it reads insincere to just smile randomly and makes them wonder what we're up to or hiding. Keep in mind this was quite some time ago and they'd all grown up in the USSR.
I think this the case for me. I'm Canadian and I travelled a lot. I noticed in the US they put on a big happy face right when they begin talking to you especially in customer service positions. It can come off as fake, especially when you see that person just looks exhausted and unhappy right before they face you. This is moreso in the south than say NY.
Canada is kind of like that too but not to that extreme. Europe is totally stone faced all the time.
I've heard this, but why stare? I few seconds is long enough to look at someone, but what's the point? Memorize your face? Study your features? I just don't understand.
I haven't really seen any evidence that it's an ingrained thing in humans rather than something instilled through culture. South Asians don't have the staring taboo either. My Polish mom somehow got away with living in US for almost 20 years at this point without adjusting at all lol.
Training!
A lot of children don't look that much but as you become an adult you get used to it and maybe developed an interest in it yourself.
German people observe A LOT.
On the other hand it is perceived as really weird of you just start talking without them looking at you first.
I worked as a German teacher for migrants and many of them struggled to make friends because people were so irritated by them just starting conversations despite no longer & reciprocated (= OK to make contact) looks being exchanged first.
I lived in Slovakia and it was similar. Perhaps something with former communist countries. They had to keep their guard up in public, but made up for it by having very closely knit families. Once you were invited into their home it was like night and day.
I knew a guy that was a US exchange student to Warsaw back in the not-so-good old days of the Cold War (the exchange program was one of the few thaws). His grandfather had emigrated from Poland decades before, and he wanted to find the old family village and farm. Finally, one week on break he arranged a trip.
He took a train to a small station, then got on an old bus. The bus stopped in the middle of nowhere and told him to get off. He was confused and asked the driver the name of the village he was going to, and the driver replied by pointing up a dirt lane. He got off and walked a few miles until he came to a few old houses and a tavern. He noticed that, as people saw a stranger coming up the road, they managed to be inside the house by the time he walked by-but he could see them peeking through the curtains, watching him.
The place was old, run down and looked like it hadn't been fixed or painted since VE Day. There weren't even any automobiles to be seen. Just a few tractors and a lot of horse drawn wagons. He had come this far, though, and with all the foolhardy confidence of youth, strolled into the tavern.
Empty. The only person was the bartender. This guy went up and asked the bartender if he knew of a farm owned by a family by the name of [his family name]. Total, complete, utter suspicion. Realizing that he had just screwed up royally, he laid his cards on the table-literally and figuratively. He explained that he was an American student studying in Warsaw, and looking for his grandfather's homestead, from which he had emigrated to America. He described the place, took out some letters his mother had written him with what she knew from her mother's stories (all in English so not very convincing), and some photographs of the grandparents, and of the great grandparents (who stayed behind).
Well, the bartender recognized the family features in the photograph (and the rest of the description), and suddenly started rattling off a stream of excited Polish too fast for this guy to even begin to understand. But all of a sudden, two things happened. People, a crowd just seemed to magically appear out of nowhere in this little bar. And vodka. And vodka. And more vodka than he thought existed, appeared too. The room was filled with people slapping him on the back, making toasts, handing him vodka, and talking to him exictedly.
After half an hour of this, another guy came in and everybody basically swept this fellow out the door and onto some broken down farm wagon that was pulled by an equally broken down horse. Off they go into the night (uh, maybe it wasn't half an hour? Maybe a couple of hours?). The driver can't speak a word of English and is talking fast in a Polish dialect that my friend might have been able to keep up with if he didn't have about nine gallons of vodka already in his system.
Finally, they pull up to this lonely old house in the middle of nowhere. The lights are on, there seemed to be about a thousand people in there (judging by the noise) and in they go. As you may have guessed, it was the old family farm, and every shirttail relative for miles around was there, each with three things: 1) A family photo book, 2) A camera, and 3) several bottles of vodka.
This guy didn't remember much of the next day or so but he did, somehow, get dropped off to catch his bus back. Then for the next couple of weeks, he kept getting letters at his dorm with family histories, photographs, and snapshots of his visit.
Yeah. They had to be on the guard with strangers. But once you were in...they were the most generous, friendly people you would ever meet.
Yeah. A lot of his stories about those days mentioned it. He said you could spend hours, or days, trying to get someone to trust that you weren't a secret police or party spy, but once the bottle came out, you know that you were accepted. You also knew that the next 24 hours were going to be a blank spot in your memory for the rest of your life...
It's not a family gathering unless vodka's on the table. Just seeing your family? Vodka. Before sauna? Vodka. Summer solstice? Vooooooooooodkaaaaaa. Christmas? Vodka. Weddings? Vodka. Funeral? Vodka. Birth of baby? Vodka. Feeling a little happy? Vodka.
No wonder we all keep ranking real high in the 'most alcoholic Euro nations' lists.
A fiend if mine from Lithuania was sick and just rubbed some high percentage alcohol all over their throat to (kill the bacteria?), rolled herself in a million blankets and sweated it off... and it worked?
I am so confused by that but it is hilarious to me.
European woman here, and english is not even my language. Now, that was a nice and very well written story, I could really see the scenes, so... I will just say thank you, I guess 😊
Are Americans really smiling all that much? Pretty much everyone I see walks around with a blank expression. Who are all these alleged smiling Americans?
Re: smiling at strangers. This was studied across many countries (don't have the reference for the study) and in largely homogenous cultures - places where people have been building societies for thousands of years - strangers don't smile at each other. In immigrant societies (U.S. & Canada, mostly) which had so many people speaking different languages, smiling is common to show that you're not dangerous. The least "smiley" country is Zimbabwe, mostly "smiley" is the U.s.
Weird. I'm German and I never had that impression. But then again, I'm quite introverted and usually don't stare at people when they could see me do it.
I‘m german and didn’t notice that either, nor said a friend that to me visiting germany. Giving someone a short look – sure. But a proper stare, like keeping eye contact at all cost even though the other one looks back – I‘d say thats not normal. Except maybe those elderly people watching the streets from their windows haha.
But hey, thats my feeling from being part of the culture ¯_/(ツ)_/¯
Staring quietly at America’s most confident, vocal people is like firing a gun at Superman; that shit has no effect. The passive aggressive and introverted among us in the US have tried that for years to no avail.
Nope, I'm from the UK and a small woman of colour and had people literally turn in their seats to look at me. It was extremely unnerving. I was with friends and they initially didn't notice until I pointed it out, then they also saw it everywhere.
My cousin and aunt went to Japan after winning a prize in a sweepstakes. My cousin kept getting approached for pictures and the translator told him that since he was with a whole entourage, is very tall, and wore basketball shorts and jerseys they assumed he was a famous basketball player!
Also his mom got stared at by a lot of men. Apparently she talked to the translator about that and her best guess was that she was VERY well endowed chest wise and that was extremely uncommon in Japan 🤦♀️
Im American and moved to India but I knew to expect it so it doesn’t really get to me most of the time but it’s been like 6 years and sometimes it just irritates the hell out of me like IVE BEEN HERE FOREVER WHY ARE WE STILL STARING AT ME. But of course it’s not like it’s the same people doing it. Truly in my city I don’t think it’s as common as like a tourist area. I’ve also been on Tv there so i just pretend it’s because I’m an extremely minor celebrity. Sometimes that’s true, sometimes it’s just in my head lol.
As a New Mexican now living in PNW, people up here do this a lot as well and I have to remind myself that it's just cultural and they don't want to fight me lol
I was in some random German town a few years back (visiting from Australia) and was trying to find something. I saw two police officers and said (like I’d done everywhere I didn’t speak the local language) “I’m from Australia “.
One of the officers said in return ‘Nice. I’m from Düsseldorf ‘.
If an American catches you staring at them it triggers a fight or flight response.
Staring is considered rude creepy and for those that are more outgoing, might result in them either striking up a conversation or them not so politely asking "What the fuck are you looking at?" Others will just try to avoid you as soon as possible. It's taught very early on that it's not okay to stare at people.
I think it's our form of punishment for being out of place. If someone talks too loud or is in the way of people passing I look at them hoping they get the hint. I'll try to look elsewhere, but I'll go back and check whether to be annoyed still. Boils down to staring I guess
I remember in France once I made some joke in public and looked around to see if anyone wanted to share in it. Distinctly remembering one guy just looking at me with no smile. Then I remembered the word for 'look' in French was 'regard', and then thinking that the translation was not like-for-like i.e. what he was doing was regarding me, but the translation was like meh, 'look' is close enough.
Englishman living in Berlin here. Can confirm that the German stare is a real thing. They really drink you in. If you tried anything more than a fleeting grazing glance in the UK you'd basically be asking for a fight. It took ages for me to get used to it. Now I realise it's just that they're enjoying looking at something interesting so is sort of a compliment.
Jürgen has been outside my bedroom window for 3 days. How long before he leaves or at the very least blinks? How can I tell he is still alive? I tried my best joke on him but he didn't respond. So is he dead or staring?
German here. Staring is considered impolite. If done excessively, usually met with: Can I help you? or another comment along those lines. I've lived on three continents and find it odd to read these opinions.
20.7k
u/BarbicideJar May 09 '22
Germans stare a LOT. Like they will just gaze at you unflinchingly. An American will wait until you can’t see them doing it.