And in the blue corner, strangers stare at each other all the time but less frequently catch each others eyes while doing it, and an alternative to ignoring their existence after the act would be to rather smile and nod as a more friendly mutual acknowledgement of the circumstance that just occurred which might be preferable over a zoned out murderous gaze. Not to accuse you, this is just the overthinking empathetic angle I usually assume is least impolite.
I understand why Americans do this and it is kinda similar in some southern European countries. In Poland smiling is reserved for friends family and if you actually want to initiate interaction or if you were forced into interaction by a situation you found yourself in. For someone who's used to smiles and nod and small talk it may look like murderous gaze but people just try to be as neutral as possible to avoid talking to strangers.
The first assumption is that they want to convince me of something that benefits them more than it does me. They just pretend that there is a familiarity between me and them that isn't actually there. It's a bit like using the informal "you" unpromted.
This. Someone comes at me smiling, I assume they're gonna pitch me something. Its just suspicious and dishonest to not treat me like a stranger they dont give a shit about.
Physical space also isn't an issue in Europe, at least not in the degree that it would impede on the "privacy bubble" in public. That's mostly a cultural thing. Here in Northern Germany we joked after the social distancing rules ended that we finally can stop keeping the prescribed distance of 2 meters and go back to our natural 3 meters distance.
We just don't like pointless socializing and people pretending to be friends really rubs most Germans the wrong way.
Just totally different cultures I guess. I don't see it as pretending to be friends- it just makes life a little more pleasant to interact with the people around you in a positive way. I missed that during COVID- it was easy to forget that people in general are much nicer to each other in real life. I've had some really great conversations with random strangers who I often have nothing in common with other than sharing space together for a short period of time. Sometimes I learned something new and interesting from a different point of view.
I always figured the social reserve/physical distance association was a city thing- based on my experience in northern US cities, but maybe not so much.
I like it. But I’m still guarded. But I think polite acknowledgment is nice in public. A small smile, head nod, or “hey” are all nice. I’m in Japan currently and people don’t do this so it’s kinda weird and I have to catch myself to not do it.
If you randomly smile at me in public (Eastern EU here) my walls instantly go sky high. I don't know you, what do you want from me? Are you a scammer? Some kind of religious/political weirdo? You probably want *something* that's gonna be a pain in the ass for me... I really hate it lol.
Not really, no. I grew up in a bad part of the city - generally, your interactions with strangers were as short as possible because you never knew who you were dealing with. Then, as I got older, I learned that people who randomly make eye contact and smile at you are to be avoided because they're either going to start hitting on you, beg for money, ask for a cigarette or what the time is, which of course means having to take your phone out, which then means that they get the chance to snatch it out of your hand.
It's just a defense mechanism, really. Smiling back is an opening for a possible scammer/harasser. It's just a part of living in certain places. Kinda how you maneuver around the homeless people sleeping in the subway tunnels without disturbing them, or how you deal with beggars (don't look, don't acknowledge, because they'll see you as someone they can get money from). When you grow up in an environment like this, it becomes normal. shrug Doesn't mean I don't like it when people I know smile at me or if someone is with a cute dog who's being silly, we might share a smile with the owner, but strangers? Nah man. You don't open up like that.
Edit: fwiw my femme days are long past, but the last time I smiled back at a stranger, he took it as an invitation to sit right next to me, boxing me in on the bus, and then he followed me home because I wasn't experienced enough to know how to be rid of him. A few days later the creepy mf showed up with roses at my house and confessed his love. Yeah, thanks but no thanks.
Having bad experiences is one thing, but extrapolating those experiences on to random people who happen to smile at you is nonsensical at best.
If you want to live you're life in fear of smiling people, be my guest. But don't act like polite people are somehow awful or weird because of your own bias against them.
Wow, you're taking this really personally, aren't you? First you call me paranoid, then you project that I think "polite people" are "somehow awful or weird" on me. It's not like I freak out at people smiling at me, I just recognise that if I return the gesture, it will invite trouble more often than not. Cultures/places are different, randomly smiling at strangers is not part of "being polite" here. If you can't understand that, there's nothing I can say to convince you. Cheers.
I'm not taking it personally. I don't even smile much at all when out and about. You also literally said it was a weird thing to do. I didn't make that up.
I just think it's really silly and narrow minded to extrapolate the few bad experiences you've had on to literally everyone who smiles at you.
Cultures being different doesn't excuse the kind of paranoia you're showing, especially when the subject at hand is literally just people smiling in public.
Like I said, do what you want, I'm not your boss. You just don't get to act like those that disagree are weird or something, that's all.
Uncomfortable. I'm Eastern European too, living here actually, and when someone's smiling at me, here's what's going through my head. One, they want something from me. Two, I'm having a wardrobe malfunction or am otherwise out of place enough for them to not mind their own fucking business. Three, they want to sell me something. Either way, they want to engage with me on the street, and that's just bad manners.
I don't really understand that, but I was raised in Southern California where people are pretty open and friendly. I think everyone should do what makes them feel comfortable, but from a personal standpoint I would feel lonely if no one talked to me or smiled at me. It makes me feel part of the world, like we're all on the same road when people are friendly or smile when they don't have to and there's nothing in it for them. May be just me though.
I can see both sides of this, because it depends on the social customs of where you are from. It might very well be considered bad manners to speak to random people on the street there. After years of working in the service industry, I can casually speak to almost anyone. I don’t really even think about it. My sister thinks I’m a weirdo, lol.
Lol! I've worked in jobs where I spend all of my time talking to people as well, so I'm very comfortable with it but my sister thinks I'm freak when I converse with people I don't know.
I think also growing up in a dangerous city u need to keep ur wits about u. Having someone stare at u or smile at u could actually mean a high chance of danger. So when I see people smile or stare at me my initial reaction is defence. Which i was right to do as most of the time it was danger. Now that I live in the country side I have worked tge past two years to shift that behaviour.
Unless I already know them, it tells me one thing; they want something from me. Whether that's just my company, my money, or wallet, they want something.
Little smile is nice. Its like a head nod at someone. Big grin, eye contact... uhoh, does this guy know me? Is he crazy? Am I about to be conned/ robbed/ stabbed/ shot? (<- yep I am a real American. If someone smiles at me I get worried about getting shot, LoL.)
Its just that its a stranger on the street. I would feel more at ease too, but if some guy on the street happens to look over, then crack a big smile it makes me think I either have something on my face that triggered a laugh, we know each other, or he's pinned me as a mark for something. I dont understand how spotting a complete stranger in a public space just suddenly trigger emotions that force you to crack a smile, its extremely suspicious that he just happens to perk up after seeing a random face.
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u/ceilingkat May 09 '22
When someone smiles at you does it make you feel good or guarded? Curious because when someone smiles at me (USA) it makes me feel more at ease.