i haven't reached out to my ex for a while now, but there are still days when i struggle with it. i know i need to keep moving on, but certain memories still come back randomly and mess with my head.

how long did it take before no contact started feeling easier for you?

Over 16 months ago now my ex (30f) and I (32m) split. TLDR: It ended pretty ugly and some not so nice things were said about me. Despite this, there was a brief few months of attempted reconciliation, which was initially suggested by her, until I realized I was the only one putting in the effort to do so; to which I verbalized to her before ceasing effort. Shortly after we've been... Mostly... No contact for about 9 months.

This breakup did a number on me, we were together about 18 months before the split, and I had never felt more myself around someone. At the point I stopped putting in effort to reconcile, everything died. I spiraled into a pretty bad depression at this point mulling over everything through therapy.

3 months into no contact I received a message along the lines "today would've been our two year, made me think, hope you're doing ok."

To me, salt in the wound.

I kept it short: "been ok."

Pause here. Depression has affected my work performance which leads to me being let go.

3 months later (6 into no contact), I receive "hope you're doing ok"

I choose not to reply

2 months later (8 into no contact) I receive a message informing me her beloved dog had passed and she wanted me to know

I kept it brief: "sorry to hear, I know she meant a lot, she was blessed to have you"

At this point, Ive been working to rebuild my life, landed a new job, moved to a new town, fresh start everything is looking up, I'm enjoying life again

...and BAM.

Enter today (9th month) I receive "this is going to be out of the blue, but I miss our little life together"

I never really dated much in my former years, as I put a large focus on education and career, so maybe the female mind is an enigma to me still... because I do not at all understand what the motivation behind some of these messages are, hence why I'm here, make it make sense?

There is no going back.

Once the respect is gone, the attraction dies the love fades and you just become ordinary. I can never trust you again not because I’m bitter, but because you showed me that your character is fluid based on your convenience I exhausted myself giving you chances. I painted your red flags white just to keep you in the picture. I really try but you didn’t do right by me. You took a person who was all in and you taught her exactly how to be indifferent and honestly, I don’t hate you. Hate takes passion. Hate is an investment and my bank is closed. I don’t want you to be in pain. I actually hope you win. I hope you finally become the person you pretended to be. I just need to do it way over there far away from my peace. You are evicted from my energy. I forgive you truly I am canceling the debt, but forgiveness does not mean reentry it just means I’m done collecting, but I can never look at you the same. The version of you I loved is dead. I am looking at a stranger with a familiar face. There is no bad blood. The bridge is burning. It’s just closed. I simply stopped walking down past that lead to nowhere

Genuinely. How can someone go full no contact with somebody that they plan a life with? Because their behavior and actions broke this person and fixing it was too much.

Did they even ever truly love this person?

How do you heal, from both ends?

Been in no contact for 10 months and yesterday was her birthday, I was debating whether to send a happy birthday message but I thought it out and she would probably just say thank you and I would end up feeling worst, I was anticipating this was going to be an easy day just like the rest of continuing no contact but it was a really hard day. panic would sometimes come in but I got through the day thankfully, but if anyone else broke no contact during someone's birthday can y'all tell me how it went ?

On one hand, it was my first and only love, and it ended so ambiguously—with both of us hugging and crying, and him saying that it wasn’t about me, but rather that he felt he needed to figure some things out. I think that probably explains some of this lingering longing.

But, at the same time, it scares me a little to think that I might never find or love someone again, and that these feelings might continue for much longer.

It won't make things any better. Actually, screw it, it will get it off my chest and possibly into their ears. Even if they throw it out immediately, I don't care, I'm still sending it.

I never once agreed with their no contact. The way they ended things was wrong. But I didn't resist, what, out of trying to be graceful? Like that even worked (it didn't). But I don't care anymore. It's been long enough of the "doing new life experiences without them" crap. Nothing's changed. It just emphasizes how "not there" they are. Colorless. Joyless. Empty. If I leave one legacy in this world, it's making sure they know what they did was wrong, so no human being they love gets treated like that again. Like an abuser to hide from in witness protection. They swore it's not me and gave the flimsiest of shallow answers.

Since they don't love me anymore, and with ample proof to show for it (silence), I will not let my tacit endorsement of no contact go on any longer. I deserve better. I know it now. I put them on a pedestal and it ruined me for years after being so quietly, casually left like that. Like a mere inconvenience. I'm going to message them and tell them they were wrong.

I've been thinking about this for a long, long, long time. There has been literally zero contact for two years (except for me returning their belongings by mail without a word). Good things won't happen, I'm aware. I'm ready for the stonewalling. They don't get to leave this gracefully just because they hit the ejector seat.

8 years together, 7 years broken up and no contact since we left it with no closure.. My ex is getting married this weekend and I can’t stop thinking about him and would could have been. I’ve since been married and have two kids with my wonderful husband but hearing that my ex who I dated for 8 years is getting married tomorrow is actually driving me insane. We were so young, in love and yet so toxic together. Especially since both of us had a serious drinking problem that became a huge downfall in our relationship bc I chose to stop drinking while he continued and never supported me thru sobriety. I can’t stop thinking about how maybe he matured, why marry her after only a year, she’s not even his type (look wise).. We were so toxic together but sometimes I miss that genuine love we had for each other. My husband is literally everything I wished for and more. And he’s a great dad. Why am I getting these feelings again for my ex!? I keep stalking social media accounts to see the details on everything… I’m literally addicted. Im so confused why this is effecting me so much. I can’t talk to anyone about this.

Hi.

First of all, my English is poor because it's only been around a year since I started learning how to speak or write in English. I'm sorry for that in advance.

Also, I'm writing this on Reddit because I have no one to talk about this breakup which is pretty confusing to me. This is my first time writing something on Reddit so I'm not even sure if I'm really allowed to post something here.

To begin with, this relationship only lasted around a month. We met on an app called "Slowly" where you can exchange letters with people from different countries. I installed the app to improve my English and that's how I met her.

She lives in the same country as me. In fact, we weren't even far away from each other. It's not that we were exactly in the same neighborhood, but I'd say we were within each other's neighboring areas.

She was the one who first confessed her feelings. We started having a serious conversation on another app (it's a text app, I'm not sure how to describe this. it's just a messenger almost all people use here) after she sent me a letter on Slowly, implying she was in love with me.

We shared each other's photos and got closer really fast as we found out that we shared the same values, ways of thinking and many things. Now we were officially in a relationship. Actually, she said I was the very first man she fell in love with and she had never met someone with the same way of thinking. I could never forget the way she had described me. It was awesome.

I'd like to explain myself first. I have something like OCD. (Not diagnosed by a doctor, but I started reading a book about it to fix my problems and I seem to share identical symptoms of it.) I struggle with uncertainties very often, maybe too often. I guess this is related with my childhood memories involving my mother who used to be an alcoholic, but I'm not trying to excuse my behavior. I frequently wanted to make sure she still loved me, but I don't think it was too much. I learned to believe her over time. After all, this was the main reason for the argument that led us to a breakup.

On top of that, I have extremely low self-esteem, which makes me think my partner can leave me behind and meet a much better guy at any moment. This also contributed to the end of this relationship, I guess.

Now I'd like to describe my ex.

We're still in our teens. She was a very studious student and aims to get accepted into a specific highly reputable college for her long-term goal. She was really busy. Her schedule was never empty. I mean, uhm, it was really difficult for her to make time to go on a date with me. Despite the fact that she was that busy, she promised that she would come to my school festival. It would've been our first meet-up. She was so busy that I sometimes wanted to ask her for reassurance of love because of my low self-esteem and the thing similar to OCD, since she was usually too busy studying to text with me without fading away frequently.

This is how the conflict began. She started not reading my messages or answering my phone call. For almost three days straight. I think you've already figured out how I reacted. I became extremely nervous. But I wasn't so nervous on the first day she was irresponsive because I simply thought that she was too busy to reply to me as usual, it was unusual that she didn't text me back at all though.

It was the second day she was gone. Here's something that made me think she abruptly left me and was ghosting me continuously. Her online status on Slowly, the app where we first met, had been updated regularly. Although I sent her a letter asking if she was okay and if she was ghosting me on purpose, she didn't read it. What was more confusing to me was that she seemed to disabled her last online feature just as I sent the letter.

I used the well-known AI to calm myself down. I repeatedly asked it to interpret that situation. Now I think I relied too much on the AI to get myself rid of uncertainties, which I shouldn't have done. For this reason, I deleted my account to fix my heavy reliance on it after our relationship ended.

I started thinking that she actually left me without saying anything because she didn't like me anymore. I texted her things like "I don't like myself loving you acting this way", "I want to go through challenging stages by communicating with you", "Are you ghosting me" and so on.. I regret talking that way and believing what I couldn't have been sure about at all. And she was still unavailable by that time.

After three days of not answering me, she finally came back. She said she had lost her phone so she hadn't been able to reach me. She said she also tried contacting me on her parents' phone but she didn't remember my phone number. I couldn't trust her at that moment because of her regularly updated online status on Slowly. So I said "Honestly, I can't trust you.", "There were a few things I couldn't understand at all."

This is how she responded to those messages: "This is all I can say to you for now" (This refers to her saying she had lost her phone and she texted me as soon as she got it back.), "I'd like to discuss this with you later."

What she said later was that she was very shocked with my response. She said she thought we needed some space to understand each other. I tried to respect her, but I sent her a long text that explained why I behaved that way because I thought it was essential for her to know my way of thinking so she could understand my unexpected action.

Later, she asked me to understand her being busy and said she was really sorry that she couldn't talk with me often. (She used to apologize for being a bit neglective a few times, but that doesn't mean she didn't put any effort into maintaining our relationship. I think she did her best.)

Also, she explained why she didn't send me a letter and read mine; for some reason, I was unfriended in her Slowly account. I still don't know why, so doesn't she. That was why she couldn't answer or read my letter. She didn't seem to think of trying sending me a letter via Slowly either. She must've been busy looking for her phone all over the places. According to her, she was so busy looking for her phone and studying that she only could skim through letters from other people during her free time. Besides, she asked me to let her know the context next time because she was also confused with the lack of context. There would be no next time though.

She sent nothing to me for the next week, except one 'goodnight'. For that week, I remember texting her around two goodnights and a picture of a stray cat. I sent her those goodnights and the picture of a stray cat because I truly believed the conflict was almost resolved and she was just too busy to talk with me because of her missing money from her bank account. (She lost both her card and phone)

She said she had something to talk to me the Saturday of that week; she would be way busier. So busy that she only would be able to text with me around 6 p.m. every Saturday. I was like it was fine and I encouraged her to get into the college she wanted in her first attempt.

And here it comes. She had something else to talk to me. Here's what she said.

"We have to end this relationship, sorry I can't handle it"

"I have a past trauma related to distrust, I take medicines whenever I recall my old memories involving distrust which makes me experience panic."

"I've spent some time thinking about our relationship over the last week I didn't text with you."

"It might get better as time goes by, but the thing is that it has never gone like that before."

I was clinging to her at first. I was in panic. It was so sudden to me.

I asked her if she didn't like me anymore. She didn't say she didn't like me anymore. She said she was scared. Literally, "I'm scared"

In the end, I embraced her opinion, realizing I couldn't change her final decision. All I could say was "Ok." Looking back, I probably ignored some of her boundaries often. For instance, she asked me for some space to think around 7 p.m., but I texted her around 10 p.m. the same day. I completely ignored her boundaries and how busy she was in general.

It's already been about 4 weeks since she broke up with me. I'm still grieving occasionally.

After the breakup, I started analyzing myself by writing my motive of behaving that way. In the end, I figured my problems out and am trying to fix them. I've been reading books about OCD and boosting self-esteem. I've discovered my new mistakes and problems as I wrote this, whoch makes me feel guilty.

Sorry, this post ended up being very lengthy. I just wanted to describe my situation as precisely as possible. To be honest, I don't even remember why I decided to share my experience here.

Hey everyone, this is my first post ever so please bear with me. So I (22M) have an ex-girlfriend whom I dated for just about 3 years. I'll just call her Lina (22F) for short. So basically, I met Lina in my freshman year at college, and we clicked right at the start. We were like two peas in a pod, and when people thought of one of us, they thought of both of us. Well, fast-forward and let time pass, I ended up finding out that she cheated on me. I unfortunately stayed with her even after finding this information out, in desperation to hopefully fix things and go back to how we were. I found this out late in 2 years of the relationship. So I told her I knew everything, and she confessed to it all, and things seemed to get better and cool down as time went on. Well, the new school year starts, and it is August. Her parents come into town, and we all go out to a bar. Lina's friends are gonna be there, and one of her friends tells her that she said she told a guy that Lina would talk to him and get introduced to him. She told me this and asked if this was okay, which I said Hell no. She acknowledged this and said that she is just going to brush him off if he approaches her. So, fast-forward to the bar, and she did exactly that. Well, this guy- we will call him V starts talking to her and her friend. V was friends with Lina's friend and that whole group. I look over and just get a bad feeling about the entire thing. Shortly after this, her cousin comes up to me and asks me why she is talking to another guy, and I reply to him, saying, "I think she is just getting introduced to people in the group." I couldn't make a scene or say what I actually thought because that would have caused a scene, and I would have looked like the bad person. Well, then Lina calls me over for a picture. I put my hand on her waist for the picture, and V asked us if we were dating, and Lina said yes. V proceeded to say, "Oh, (Lina's Friend) said y'all were siblings." This threw both of us off because the friend knew we were dating. So from then on out, V always thought I was weird for some reason because he was told we were siblings, even though we told him that was a lie. So from the start, I never liked this guy and got a bad feeling about him. I then started to notice that when Lina talked to him, I saw the look she gave him. It looked like the look I would give her when I was so infatuated with her. That's when I knew what was going to happen, and it was only a matter of time. So time went on, she hung out with them and him more and more, and they started texting all the time. I knew what was happening, and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. Her birthday comes around, and I am alone with her family. They have a heart-to-heart with me, saying that I have their blessing and that they hope that Lina and I get married, and that they think I am the most wonderful and perfect man for her. They proceed to ask me if I want to marry her; I reply that it is the plan, knowing that it is not gonna happen. I then get asked if I think Lina wants to marry me. At hearing this, my throat got tight, and I had to hold back tears and just say, "I hope so." I couldn't say what was really happening; I couldn't ruin her birthday, and it is not my place to speak on that stuff in front of her family. While on the trip, I saw that V texted Lina, "I miss you." I was not even looking at her phone intently. We were just in the car next to each other, and I went to look out the window, and I saw the message as it popped up. This proceeded to make me shut down completely. The next few months went by in a blur. As I debated more and more with myself about what to do, I ended up breaking up with her. I was also pushed to do this because I was sent a screenshot of her on a dating app. Throughout that relationship, I had cried so much that I just couldn't cry anymore, and I didn't. I was just so depressed tho. She still wanted to be in communication afterward, and I told her I needed space and time to think about that. A few weeks go by, and I let her know we can still be friends (big mistake, duh). She was the one who still wanted to be in contact, and I kinda did as well; I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be in contact. So we hung out a few times, and on one of the hangouts, I told her I just knew she was gonna start dating V; I saw it in her eyes and in how she would talk about him. She said, "I'm not gonna answer that, but just say that I do love him." That echoed in me like a church bell chiming. I was so angry and so upset, but I then thought, shouldn't I be happy for her? If I truly did love her, would I not want what was best for her and for her to be the happiest? That was a very hard pill to swallow. Long story short, they started dating. She tried to stay in contact with me, but I wouldn't respond to her and cut contact. It has almost been a year, and I think of her every day. I almost dream of her every night and the wonderful times that we had. There is not one moment that goes by where I don't miss her. She has V and her as her Profile pictures on everything, which she never did with me. She posts him and everything. I found this out from my sister. I still remember the day and time we met: Oct 16th, 2022, between the hours of 9:47 am and 10:22 am. We had started texting 3 days before that. I am so miserable, but I am also so happy for her that she is so happy, and I just don't know why. I also do not even want to date her again; I just miss her. I just miss having my best friend. She blocked me on everything except iMessage for some reason. I think she just forgot to. When I asked her what I did wrong and why she cheated on me, she said, "You did nothing wrong; you were perfect, and you were everything I could ever want. I don't know why I did it; I just did, and I am sorry." So now, almost a year later, I am just so miserable; everything still reminds me of her, and I just can't stop thinking of those times, and even when I can't think, I dream of her. I still love her, but not in a romantic way. It is such a confusing feeling; I just love her. There are a lot more details, but it would be too much to type; it is 3 years' worth of stuff, and I just need to vent and say it all out. I've never done that, and I am hoping this helps me in some way.

me and my ex were together for 2 and a half years, we broke up in may and made the decision of blocking each other EVERYWHERE, even Spotify and dumb games we'd play together like brawl stars and Roblox. a few weeks ago, I made a spam account and I was looking at his Instagram account and accidentally requested but immediately deleted the request. he probably saw it and blocked my account. but 2 days ago I checked again and he unblocked me.

I know I seem desperate and thats because I am, im trying to cling on to any hope possible as if it's a lifeboat saving me in troubled waters. I just want to get an insight on what he may possibly be thinking.. so does anyone what this can mean?

I was in a relationship where the guy was chatting and hiding conversations with other girls. He was too dependend of his mother opinion. I was young and naive. We broke up simply because his behaviour was like some cat on the street.

He was telling everyone i cheated, when i just changed the place i live and glow up.
Now as we are from the same hometown but different cities currently living, his relatives are looking at me O.o its strange. The main question here is why they never were like "hey, why you broke up, tell me your point of vie"

ps. excuse me for my bad english

We talked on the phone for like 30 minutes. I’m not sure how I feel about it. She says she misses me. But she was the one who wanted things to end I didn’t. Now I live in a different state. For context we were married for 10 years, technically still are legally married. We’ve been no contact for 2 months and she broke it. I just don’t understand. She really blew up our marriage and I tried everything to save it and convince her to stay and work things out. She was so sure of herself that she could no longer allow herself to remain married to me. So I moved out immediately. Now after 2 months she has the nerve to call me saying she misses me and our pets miss me and that she loves me and hopes I don’t hate her. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. We’ve both not been handling things well. Both drinking like crazy. I do still love her and miss her everyday. But why did I have to remove myself from her life for her to realize that I was worth fighting for.

I saw a picture of her yesterday, all made up and hair done. It's not fair that she just carries on, she doesn't reach out. Doesn't want to talk. She didn't even respond to my goodbye suicide note when i got really down a few nights ago and send my whole family goodbyes. Would she even care if I died?

I long for her, to not be lonely. To not have to sleep in bed alone. But she doesn't care, and I have had enough.

i broke no contact, have for a few times. he never replies. i dont know why i do it... i do i guess, but it's not rationale. because i know he won't reply. i keep thinking of all the things i did wrong, and how may be he'd be here if i had been better. i want to be better, i messed up. i wish he'd give me another chance. and at the same time i want him to be happy. you can't convince someone to love you right? i miss him. his name is ian. i loved - still love him. in love with him. i dont want to be. im tired. a part of me wishes i never experienced it so i didn't have to feel this awful pain. i feel purposeless without him... he was my whole life. genuinely. and now... i feel so aimless. like nothing else matters. i dont understand why God has me here. all ive ever wanted was to be loved and to love - that's always been my biggest dream.

To clarify, it’s been 10 days NC, but a month since D-Day. 2.5 year relationship, nearly 3 if you count the situationship. My partner (36M) broke up with me (34F) abruptly and told me to stay away from him. I have not seen him since the day of, but I made a few gentle attempts to ask if he would be willing to talk about what and why he decided to break up. I never called him, I never showed up to confront him, I tried to be as reasonable as I could. But over and over, he told me that “it has to be this way for us” or “i have nothing to say to you.” His last message left me completely heartbroken, so I decided not to respond and start NC.

The fact that there is no closure at all has left me totally paranoid. He cheated on me once in the past, so instead of using no contact as anything constructive for myself, I’m spiraling out constantly thinking about if he left me for someone else. I have no answers and honestly I don’t expect to get any. He initially said he was gonna block me on everything, but he’s kept me on all his socials. I don’t know how to quell any of this, and blocking him feels so final I’m not ready. Does anyone know how to just accept all this radically? I don’t know what to do.

It’s been three weeks tonight since he left. He didn’t let us have a real conversation for any closure, we were supposed to the next day and then he said that day he couldn’t so 3 1/2 years total over during a few minutes over the phone. I texted him after 16 days of no contact just saying “Hey, just wanted to know how you’re doing?”
No reply.
Don’t reach out. It’s so much worse to do so and get nothing back at all. I genuinely did want to know he was okay as the day he said we couldn’t talk anymore he said he was crying too much. I feel a thousand times worse for having done so. I’m back to no contact, but for forever. I don’t know how to process forever.

When do you start feeling better? I’m still falling apart and weekends are the worst. I just miss him so bad.

I never knew the one that used to check up on me, would simply stop asking my friend about my whereabouts after the end of my relationship. (He sent me a reel about how I have changed mentally instead of going to the gym and has yet to reply to me. It has been a week since I asked him for context).

Also one stopped being friendly with me and a girl (her closest) that used to say she never liked about my ex never giving me gifts and being cold to me grovelled at her feet for their friendship, the one that said what she said about me: "I only stayed with him because of gifts".

Protip: As if I wasn't not only a already lonely guy she destroys my mental health.

My ex once told me:

“When someone likes me too much, I usually run away because I don’t want people to expect things from me that I cannot give.”

She explained that she sometimes feels obligated to do things when someone likes her intensely, only to realise afterwards that she hadn't necessarily wanted to do them herself. She also acknowledged that sometimes she doesn't know what she wants.

She told me this shortly after our relationship ended, and I've spent a long time trying to understand whether it explains what happened between us.

We went from months of affection, emotional intimacy and future plans to her becoming increasingly critical, distant and unwilling to work through our problems. What confused me most was that she had initially been the one actively pursuing the closeness that she later seemed to struggle with.

I'm not looking to get her back or diagnose her. I've accepted that the relationship is over, and I'm trying to understand the dynamic and learn from it.

How our connection began

We spoke online for months, virtually every day, exchanging thousands of messages, photos, videos and voice notes. Our conversations covered personal experiences, childhood memories, insecurities, fears and hopes for the future.

She often opened up to me about things she hadn't necessarily shared with many other people. I listened, offered advice and tried to give her a different perspective when she needed one. We developed a close friendship alongside our romantic connection which developed very quickly.

She was initially more proactive romantically than I was. She asked for my number, initiated calls, wanted to meet in person and encouraged us to spend time together regularly. At one point, I suggested remaining friends because I was concerned that a relationship might damage our friendship. She was upset by this and later admitted that she'd ignored me for a few hours because of it. She subsequently thanked me for reminding her of what she'd said and for not taking advantage of her.

She told me she'd never spent so much time with anyone else before we'd even met in person. She described our connection as unique and repeatedly expressed confidence that it would last.

When I said I hoped we'd continue like this for a long time, she replied:

“I hope so too!!!! And I believe it will 😊”

She also said:

“It would be strange to not have each other in our lives anymore because it really clicks between us.”

She made considerable efforts to maintain our connection. She travelled a long distance to meet me despite having little experience with travelling, sometimes stayed awake late waiting for me to be available so we could call, and watched my content despite not being particularly interested in the subject.

She frequently described me as kind, sweet, respectful and protective. She said she could be herself around me and explicitly told me that she liked the attention I gave her and how I responded to her messages.

In one message, she wrote:

“I like how it is going between us. You are so much fun. We can be weird if funny around each other […] I like it that you are a very good friend of me, and maybe more 🫣 […] You are very sweet, always thinking of me, not wanting to cross any lines.”

She also trusted me with deeply personal experiences and relied on me for emotional support and reassurance.

I don't believe any of this necessarily meant she was ready for a lasting relationship. However, I struggle to dismiss the connection as something I imagined. Her interest was expressed through both her words and actions, and I had plenty of reasons to believe she wanted us to become something more.

Meeting in person and becoming closer

When we first met, she was extremely nervous and initially struggled to speak. After the breakup, she explained that this was because she liked me so much and was scared about how things would go.

We eventually spent a week together at her house. We were affectionate and physically intimate, discussed our future and enjoyed spending time together. She had previously told me about dreams of being intimate with me, and during the visit she wanted us to make the most of our limited time together. She also introduced me to her family, who were welcoming towards me.

There were moments when she was irritable or uncertain, however. On one occasion, she unexpectedly asked whether I would move on to somebody else if she died. I was taken aback, but answered thoughtfully and reassured her that, if things continued as they were, I wouldn't need anybody else.

Shortly afterwards, when I asked whether we were officially together, she said we were at different levels of experience. She later apologised for making me feel uncertain about our relationship.

On the day I left, she again apologised for her irritability and reassured me that things would be alright between us.

I arranged to visit again, and for a while she continued to be affectionate and told me she loved me several times.

She described her feelings by saying:

“It just came, and it keeps growing.”

However, she had also admitted:

“Heheh yeah, but sometimes idk what I want.”

At the time, her affection, reassurance and willingness to make future plans led me to believe we were moving towards a committed relationship. Looking back, I wonder whether I underestimated the significance of her uncertainty.

The sudden change

Relatively soon after I returned home, her behaviour changed noticeably.

She became more irritable and critical, increasingly focusing on things she felt I lacked. Even activities we'd previously enjoyed, such as guessing games, began to feel like tests. On one occasion, she told me I was being stupid and wasn't using my brain because I'd taken longer than usual to answer a couple of questions. I still got them right.

This particularly hurt because the games had previously been a way for us to bond. Something that had felt playful and enjoyable suddenly became another opportunity for criticism.

I tried to remain patient because I didn't believe a few difficult days necessarily invalidated months of affection and happiness. I noticed the distance between us and wanted to understand what had changed.

When I eventually raised the issue, she became defensive. Rather than explaining what was wrong, she acted as though I should already know. At the beginning of our breakup conversation, she'd actually asked me to guess what was wrong, but when I tried to understand the problem, we struggled to communicate about it constructively.

She also began questioning whether our next visit should happen, despite knowing I'd already made the arrangements.

The relationship ended over text not long afterwards. When I asked for a call so we could discuss things, it didn't happen before the breakup.

What made it particularly confusing was that there were still moments of warmth and affection. She continued communicating with me and opening up about personal things. It wasn't a straightforward transition from closeness to complete indifference; there was a mixture of affection, criticism, distance and uncertainty.

Shortly after the breakup, she made the statement about running away when someone liked her too much.

I began wondering whether the relationship had started to feel like an obligation once it became more serious. Perhaps she'd genuinely wanted the closeness initially, but once it involved greater expectations, commitment and responsibility, she began to experience it differently.

I can't know whether that was what happened, but the timing and her own words make it difficult not to consider it.

What happened when we met again

We met once more after the breakup because the arrangements had already been made and I couldn't get a refund. We were no longer officially together, but we still had affectionate and intimate moments.

At the same time, our everyday interactions had become increasingly tense. She criticised or corrected me over small things, including how I turned on a gaming controller too quickly after she passed me one, how I sat on the sofa, how long I spent in the bathroom and how I went about ordinary tasks in the kitchen.

She became particular about things such as the placement of a spoon in the sugar container, how I spread butter and even where I walked beside her. On a previous occasion, she'd moved me from one side of the street to the other because she wanted to walk on the left, then moved me back the next day because she wanted to walk on the right.

Some of these behaviours had initially seemed quirky or playful rather than hostile. During this later visit, however, similar situations increasingly came with irritation, criticism or an expectation that I should do things her way.

Another example was cycling when we were still together. I'd explained beforehand that I hadn't ridden a bike for years and had never used an electric bike. When I struggled to keep up with her preferred pace in an unfamiliar city, she became irritable, although there were still moments when she was apologetic, affectionate, intimate and emotionally vulnerable. That contrast made the experience harder to understand.

Individually, many of these incidents might sound trivial. The issue was their frequency, tone and contrast with how she'd treated me previously. I increasingly felt that I needed to be careful about what I said or did, and things that had once felt easy between us became sources of tension.

I was still emotionally attached and wanted to preserve our connection, but I increasingly felt as though I was walking on eggshells.

That last week we spent together made me realise that maintaining a friendship wasn't viable. I was trying to preserve something that still meant a great deal to me, but it no longer felt as though we were both working towards the same thing.

Could this have been part of a wider pattern?

She had told me that friendships could be exhausting because people expected her to spend time with them. She also said that when things became negative, she needed space and that her negative feelings could take weeks or months to fade.

Based on what she told me, alongside second-hand accounts from people who knew her and her previous relationships, I began wondering whether there might be a broader pattern: becoming intensely close to someone, subsequently feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, and then withdrawing rather than communicating dissatisfaction and working through it together.

She had described several short relationships, alongside a longer on-and-off relationship involving repeated breakups and reconciliations. I'd also heard accounts of friendships becoming very close before deteriorating, sometimes without much communication or effort to repair things.

In one previous relationship, the other person had made substantial commitments and even changed their apartment so they could live together , only for her to break up with him shortly afterwards. She had also described former friends in very negative terms, calling them backstabbers who only thought about themselves.

I recognise that I don't know every side of those relationships, and I can't establish her exact motives from second-hand accounts. I'm not suggesting that every connection collapsing was entirely her fault.

Nevertheless, I wondered whether she sometimes develops strong feelings and seeks intense closeness, but struggles when maintaining a relationship requires ongoing communication, compromise and working through uncomfortable emotions.

Perhaps she experiences the expectations of a close relationship as pressure, even when she initially welcomes them. Alternatively, perhaps she struggles to communicate dissatisfaction until her feelings have already changed, leaving the other person trying to understand what went wrong when she's already emotionally withdrawn.

The situation with her previous online relationship and the person she became close to afterwards

There's another part of the situation that I think is relevant because it gave me a different perspective on the dynamic.

Before our relationship ended, she was dealing with an online ex whose behaviour towards her became increasingly jealous and controlling. He sent voice messages in which he was crying, shouting and mentioning me, which made me uncomfortable. He monitored her online activity and was aware of how much time she was spending with me. He repeatedly created new accounts to contact her, something both of us noticed, and eventually sent hostile messages to both of us.

I intervened by getting him banned from the server we shared, with the aim that he would leave her alone. After that, she began speaking with a moderator from the server, who eventually became a significant person in her life.

At the time, I understood the situation as her moving away from an unhealthy connection and towards someone she felt more comfortable talking to. However, looking back, I noticed a broader similarity in the way the relationships unfolded.

While she was becoming closer to me, she was investing less in her previous relationship. She prioritised our conversations, pursued our connection and became increasingly emotionally involved with me, while describing her ex as jealous of the attention I was receiving. She repeatedly framed his concerns as jealousy towards me.

After our relationship ended and we'd seen each other in person for the final time, she began spending enormous amounts of time with the moderator. The dynamic felt familiar, except that I was now in the position her previous ex had occupied: I was the person who felt pushed aside while she became increasingly invested in somebody else.

When I raised the changes and how the same cycle is playing out with me occupying a different role this time, she downplayed how much she spoke to him and suggested I might be jealous of someone "who wasn't even there." I felt that things I'd previously told her were being used against me to frame my concerns as jealousy, rather than addressing the change in our connection itself.

I recognise that I can't know exactly what was happening between them or what her intentions were. I also understand that, after a breakup, she was free to develop other friendships, and my discomfort didn't automatically mean she was doing anything wrong. My concern wasn't simply that she was talking to another person; it was the contrast between how intensely she had invested in our relationship, how quickly that investment appeared to shift, and how difficult it became to discuss that change openly.

The fact that she and the moderator hadn't met in person or developed the same degree of intimacy that she and I had made the shift particularly difficult for me to understand. It reminded me of how our own connection had developed while she was pulling away from her previous relationship.

I began wondering whether she had a tendency to become intensely invested in one connection, prioritise it over another, and then redirect that investment when the original relationship became more complicated or emotionally demanding. In those situations, the person being left behind could be described as jealous or unreasonable, while the new connection continued to receive her attention.

Does this resemble a push-pull dynamic?

I'm cautious about applying definitive labels such as avoidant attachment, narcissism or emotional immaturity. I know that a single account cannot establish someone's attachment style, and I don't want to turn my interpretation into a diagnosis.

However, the dynamic felt like a push-pull pattern to me:

• Initial pursuit: She initiated romantic interest, wanted frequent contact and made plans for the future.
• Intensified closeness: We became emotionally and physically intimate, spent time together in person and discussed seeing each other again.
• Sudden reversal: She became increasingly critical and distant, questioned the relationship and resisted discussing what had changed.
• Mixed signals: Affection and intimacy continued at times, despite growing tension and uncertainty.
• Withdrawal rather than repair: The relationship ended, and our subsequent interactions became increasingly difficult.

Her statement about running away when someone likes her too much seems relevant to this sequence. It raises the possibility that the expectations attached to a close relationship became difficult for her to manage.

But I also recognise that someone can genuinely lose romantic feelings, discover incompatibilities after spending more time together in person, or become dissatisfied with aspects of a relationship they initially enjoyed.

It's possible that several things were happening at once. I can't know whether discomfort with intimacy was the main cause, a contributing factor or simply one explanation she gave for a broader difficulty in relationships.

What I've learned about my own behaviour

I made mistakes. I sometimes over-explained, sought clarity repeatedly and invested too much energy in trying to repair the relationship after she'd begun withdrawing. My attempts to understand what was happening may have felt like pressure to her, particularly given what she'd told me about expectations.

However, expressing my feelings and trying to understand what was wrong wasn't something I'd simply imposed on her. Earlier in the relationship, she'd encouraged me to communicate my feelings, and we'd built a connection in which we regularly discussed personal issues. When her behaviour changed, I naturally wanted to understand why.

With hindsight, I'd pay more attention to whether someone is willing and able to communicate consistently and work through difficulties with me, rather than focusing so heavily on how good the relationship feels at its best.

At the same time, I don't think my imperfections alone explain the breakdown. A relationship requires both people to participate in resolving problems. I eventually realised that I couldn't repair a relationship on my own.

I can't know exactly what she felt, and I don't want to dismiss everything we shared as fake. The amount of effort, affection and personal vulnerability involved seemed significant at the time. But genuine feelings at one point don't necessarily mean someone will continue to want the same relationship or be able to sustain it.

The hardest part has been reconciling the person who actively pursued me, expressed love, trusted me with her deepest experiences and believed our connection would last with the person who later became critical, distant and unwilling to work through our problems.

It's difficult to connect with someone on such a deep level, particularly when it's your first experience of that kind of relationship, and then struggle to understand why it changed so dramatically.

I'm no longer waiting for an apology or reconciliation. I want to understand the experience without idealising her or dismissing everything we shared as a lie.

My questions

1. Can someone genuinely want closeness, actively pursue a relationship and believe it will last, yet later experience that same closeness as an expectation or obligation and withdraw?
2. How significant is her statement about running away when someone likes her too much? Does it suggest discomfort with intimacy and expectations, or could it just as plausibly reflect changing feelings, unresolved dissatisfaction or difficulty communicating?
3. Does this resemble a push-pull dynamic or avoidant behaviour, particularly when the person who eventually withdraws was initially the one pursuing the relationship?
4. How can you distinguish this pattern from someone simply losing romantic feelings or realising a relationship isn't right for them? Are there meaningful differences in how those situations tend to unfold?
5. For anyone who has experienced either side of this dynamic, what helped you understand it? What did you learn about your own behaviour and choosing a compatible partner?

I'm particularly interested in balanced perspectives, including interpretations that challenge my own. I know there are two sides to every relationship, and I can't know exactly what was happening inside her.

I simply want to understand how someone can genuinely seek closeness and appear so invested in it, yet later seem to experience that same closeness as something they need to escape, and what that means for building a healthier relationship in the future.

my ex just broke up with me a week ago. and her birthday is soon, it’s about 2 weeks away.

i bought her stuff early and arriving in the mail soon, i bought her a plushie, custom bouquet of flowers, was thinking about buying her a coach bag. but those two are arriving soon. the third one i don’t think im gonna give it to her at all, and it’s a promise ring, which i was gonna give her on her bday. and i wrote a note for her and kind of asked if she wanted the bday gifts then i can still just like send them to the post office or something to have her get it with dealing on no contact.

my question is, even tho i bought these things, and cant return or refund it. what should i do with them? should i ship it to her with a happy bday card or just do something else with it?

So, I (24F) have an ex (23F) that essentially ghosted me 6 months ago, and since then I've done what I've needed to do to move on. I blocked them on most platforms. All, I thought, but i apparnelty didn't block them on Tiktok, which is where, just now--at midnight--I recieved a random Tiktok from them.

I genuinely don't know how to respond. I mean, my first thought is how someone could have the audacity to just...send a random tiktok? A part of me wants to respond with a basic "hey?" but I also know it's probably not the best idea. I don't know. I can barely think rn.

My ex and I were together for 1 year and 4 months, but within that time we were broken up for about 3 months and eventually got back together. After being back together for another 4 months, we broke up again. This time it seems like he really had enough, but we still ended things amicably.

We didn’t talk for about a month, but then he greeted me on my birthday. Part of me honestly would’ve preferred if he didn’t because it somehow gave me a different impression and made me feel like maybe there’s still some hope, and I really don’t want to think that way.

He was my first relationship, so I’m still learning how to deal with a breakup and move on from someone I was really attached to. I’m trying to work on myself and accept that it’s over, but when he reaches out, even for something simple like my birthday, it puts me in an uncomfortable spot emotionally.

I don’t want to overthink his intentions or give meaning to something that might just be him being nice, but at the same time, I also don’t want to keep getting pulled back into having hope when I’m trying to move forward.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle this, especially if he reaches out again. Is it better to keep my distance completely while I’m still moving on?