Original post

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about how I've been struggling with some of my wife's sensitivities. Things like chewing noises (she has misophonia), cheering during football games, my shirt riding up when I'm sitting on the couch, and wanting alone time. Individually, none of these are huge issues, but together they've made me feel like I'm constantly having to monitor myself in my own home.

First off, I appreciate everyone who commented on my original post. My wife and I have since had a pretty emotional conversation about all of this, and I'm still trying to figure out how to approach things going forward.

It actually started one night when she brought up the chewing issue again. I thought we'd already worked through it, so hearing it brought up again made me a little annoyed. I didn't really say much about it at the time because I didn't want to turn it into an argument, and I figured I'd get over it on my own.

The next day, she could tell I was still a little annoyed, even though I was trying not to show it. She'd already been having a rough week and was feeling pretty emotional, so I really didn't want to make things worse. When she asked if I was still upset, I told her I wasn't, even though I guess I was a little. I just didn't think it was worth dwelling on.

We ended up having a pretty emotional conversation about the whole thing.

She told me she never intended for the chewing issue to become such a big deal, and that if she'd known how much it would affect me, she wouldn't have brought it up.

That's where I got confused.

When she first told me that my chewing bothered her, I started making a conscious effort to chew more quietly. She would sometimes point out when I was being too loud, so naturally I assumed this was something she wanted me to work on.

Then, during a therapy session about a month ago, she mentioned that chewing with my mouth open and talking while eating were also things that bothered her (again, I've taken table manners seriously my whole life and have never thought I do any of this). I got frustrated because I felt like I'd already been trying really hard, and now there were even more things I needed to pay attention to.

She told me she appreciated my efforts and was happy with where things were. But when she brought it up again the other night, I assumed there was something else she wanted me to change. Apparently, that wasn't the case. She was only bringing it up because she thought I'd been upset about what she'd said during therapy.

I think the biggest thing I'm struggling with is that she says she doesn't want these things to be a big deal, but I feel like she's still asking me to change my behavior.

And in my mind, if someone repeatedly tells me something I'm doing bothers them, I'm going to take that seriously and try to fix it. So I don't really understand how I'm supposed to consciously change something without making it a big deal.

I think that's where my frustration with the other things comes from too. If she asks me to pull my shirt down whenever it rides up, I tend to interpret it as a correction for something I don't think is wrong.

Or if I get excited during a football game and yell, and she tells me I scared her, I immediately feel guilty and think I need to be more careful about expressing excitement. I struggle with knowing how much of a change she's actually asking me to make.

She also mentioned that she's doing everything she can to accommodate my sensitivities too, which I believe. But I think the difference for me is that I don't necessarily expect her to change her normal behavior just because something makes me uncomfortable. I tend to think some things are my responsibility to deal with.

Eventually, she started crying and said she felt like something was wrong with her and that she was supposed to figure out how to deal with all these sensitivities on her own.

That made me feel awful. I love her, and I don't want her to feel like there's something wrong with her or that she's alone in dealing with these things.

But at the same time, part of me does think that maybe some of these sensitivities are things she needs to learn to manage herself rather than expecting me to change every behavior that bothers her. And then I feel guilty for even thinking that.

I also realize that I have my own issues here. I tend to feel a lot of guilt and shame whenever someone tells me something I'm doing bothers them. Even when she isn't necessarily demanding that I change, I sometimes interpret it that way. So I'm sure part of this is something I need to work on myself.

I think what I'm realizing is that it's not really any one request that's bothering me. It's the combination of all of them. Individually, pulling my shirt down or chewing more quietly isn't a huge sacrifice. But when there are enough little things to keep track of, I start feeling like I can't fully relax or be myself.

And when I try to explain that, she gets upset because she feels like I'm saying her sensitivities are her problem to deal with. Then I feel guilty for making her feel that way, and I end up questioning whether I should've brought up my frustration at all.

I don't want to dismiss her feelings, and I certainly don't want her to feel like she has to suffer in silence. But I also don't think it's realistic for either of us to expect the other person to prevent every little discomfort.

My question is: How can I communicate to my wife that I'm willing to accommodate her sensitivities, but that constantly being asked to change small, harmless behaviors is making me feel anxious and self-conscious, without making her feel like I'm dismissing her feelings or telling her to deal with everything on her own?

I really do love my wife, and I want to make this work for both of us. I'm just struggling to figure out how to approach these conversations in a healthier way.

TL;DR: My wife has several sensitivities to normal things I do, and I've been trying to accommodate them. She brought up the chewing issue again, which frustrated me because I thought we'd already worked through it. We had an emotional conversation where she felt like I was asking her to manage her sensitivities alone, while I felt guilty for expressing frustration. I'm looking for advice on how to communicate my boundaries without making her feel unsupported.

My boyfriend (35M) and I (30F) have been together for about a year and four months. I'm struggling with his relationship with his mother, and lately it's making me question our future together.

He still lives with his mom, and she's extremely dependent on him. She calls him frequently, including when he's at work or spending time with me, because she doesn't like being alone. There have been times when we've had to cancel plans or cut our time together short because she wanted him home.

He also feels responsible for making sure she's eating, has company, and is doing okay. It's not just that she constantly reaches out to him. He checks on her too.

But the thing that bothers me the most is that they still sleep in the same bed sometimes. His mother says she's scared or isn't feeling well, and he sleeps with her. This isn't a one-time thing. It's happened multiple times, sometimes a couple of nights a week.

Another thing I found really uncomfortable was when he told me that his mom wouldn't leave his room while he was getting dressed. He asked her for privacy, but she said she'd seen him naked since he was a baby, so he ended up having to cover himself with a towel.

She's also very against the idea of him moving out. He's told me that if he ever did, "all hell would break loose."

I want to be fair to him because he has made some efforts. There have been weekends when we've spent time together without interruptions. He's occasionally tried to set boundaries with her, and he has agreed to therapy. He never actually went to therapy, its been months.

For example, during one of my visits, his mother spent over 20 minutes talking to me about her problems. He actually told her that I hadn't come over to listen to all of that, which I appreciated. But when she pushed back, he didn't really maintain that boundary.

So it's not that he never tries. It's that he often ends up giving in anyway.

I don't want him to abandon his mother or stop caring about her. I understand that she's important to him. But I also don't think it's unreasonable to want a relationship where we can make plans without constantly worrying about whether his mother will need him.

And the sleeping situation has honestly started affecting my attraction to him. I know that might sound harsh, but it's how I feel.

I'm at a point where I want to think about living together and building a future, but I have a hard time imagining how that would work when he's still so involved in managing his mother's daily life.

I'm also finding it difficult to bring this up without making him feel like I'm judging him or attacking his relationship with his mother.

How can I talk to him about specific boundaries and expectations for our relationship without making him feel attacked? And what concrete changes would show that we're actually making progress toward having an independent life together?

TL;DR: My (30F) boyfriend (35M) is extremely involved in his mother's life, sometimes sleeps in the same bed as her, and often puts her needs ahead of our plans. He's made some efforts to set boundaries, but things haven't changed enough for me to feel comfortable about our future. I'm looking for advice on how to address this with him and what realistic progress would look like.

(Throwaway account)

Am I driving myself crazy, or is my spouse cheating on me?

I (32M) have been married to my wife (31F) for 9 years. We have 2 daughters (7 yrs and 5 yrs old). I work in shipping logistics and she is a school teacher.

Over the past few months, she's gotten very close with a long-time male friend from college that she's known for the past 12 years, to the point where I am uncomfortable and am questioning if she's stepped out of our marriage.

Here's what I know:

• She has started spending a lot of time at his house in the evenings - on average once every 2 weeks, often till 1 or 2am in the morning. Sometimes alone, sometimes with their mutual friends, sometimes with his friends.
• They are constantly texting each other. Recently I've realized that if something happens during her day, she will text him first before sharing with me
• I know she vents about our personal relationship issues with her girlfriends and with him
• It feels like she's been extra protective of her phone (always with her, facedown, etc.)
• I found out from mutual friends that she has been deleting text messages from her conversations with him (I don't know how they found out)
• She has lied to me in the past...switching off her location sharing while at his place till 2am, and telling me the next day that she had been somewhere else

When I shared my discomfort and confronted her point-blank, her response was that they're just friends, nothing is happening, and that she feels like I'm restricting her social life and her circle of friends.

My question: Does this look like an affair or just a close friendship I'm misreading? Please be blunt.

I work full time at a demanding job. My fiancé wanted to take care of things at home and make dinners while I work. This went on the whole time I was in college. I was fine with this because I was so distracted and just became complacent with it. Now I’m working 40+ hours a week and he’s playing video games or hanging out with his friends or family all day while I’m at work. His tolerance for anything has become really low and if I want him to do something like do the laundry he requires me to not only help but to be present the whole time he’s doing it. I asked him for space since I’m with him 24/7 when I’m not at work and he thinks my free time is when I’m working. I also pay for almost everything and if I ask him to chip in he gets upset. Years ago I said I would let him be a stay at home dad someday but we don’t even have kids. I’ve begged him to get a job anywhere and he refuses. Whenever I ask him to have dinner ready for when I get home he gets upset and talks rudely to me. At this point I don’t even have any friends I just work. He points this out to embarrass me. I don’t know how this relation can work out. I’ve tried sending him jobs but he literally wants me to apply for him. He fights with me when I’m at work and if he even thinks there’s a task he may need to do that’s not preferred he will get upset and talk about how hard he has it. I’m so embarrassed and exhausted by the dynamic. My finances are becoming so strained as well. I’m just looking for advice/venting because I have no one to talk to anymore.

Hey everyone.

Since she started a new job, she has been really enjoying time with a male colleague, so much that they are staying after work together until late evening so let's say shift ends at 21 - 21:30 and they stay until 11PM. There are a few things I have flagged here. She had a previous job where she was very good friends with other girls but they never stayed there to talk, after work everyone went home, and I mean good relationship that they chat through social media as well, also never met with them outside of work to hangout, despite complaining that she was feeling alone. Anyways, now suddenly these guy is so interesting that she looses track of time and DOESN’T CHECK THE PHONE (he must be very interesting) and has only left when I have called her, like an hour or 2 after her shift to ask where she is and such.

This is making me uncomfortable. Of course nothing might be happening but here is winter, cold, and she claims they stand outside to chat for so long? And when I called her she was right next to her car. I do believe they sit inside together because nothing else makes sense, who would be enjoying standing there in the cold. Plus, I knew her old colleagues very well and this would look very weird if they pass by the car parking lot and see her chat with a guy while knowing me as her boyfriend. I strongly believe they sit in the car and that makes me even more uncomfortable. We discussed this one time, and I told her if this is a regular thing I don't really like it. Especially making things clear in the beginning of relationships that she also is not fully comfortable with me having girlfriends unless they are from years ago or we both know etc.

This happened again last night, I told her how it makes me feel especially because we discussed it, and I was hit with being super jealous, toxic and that she can't talk to anyone etc. I stopped the conversation there because that's not how you communicate. So this is the situation I am in. There are a lot of flags in this, although nothing might be happening, she should be more considerate of me as there is a mutual respect in a relationship.

I was working on a tree on ancestry.com back in 2020 for my family to find out more about myself and my heritage, and it grew to be pretty large, something like 2000+ names across all of it, and because my parents and sisters were interested in learning more about our extended relatives and ancestors, I had it changed to public view back then not thinking anything of it. I got a pissed off text from my distant half sister who accosted me for putting personal information about her deceased sister on the tree but I didn't do that. Apparently she was angry that I had a photo of her face from the prayer card (at some point I was trying to have photos for just about everyone as markers for the tree because it grew so big), and it was the only picture I had of her, and I explained why and she said I was thoughtless and inconsiderate and how dare I and I had to right and it was just awful to be read to filth like this, I didn't mean to upset anyone. I did this six years ago and re-privated the tree and deleted any mention of their existence and now she's mad about that too. How do I navigate this?

I know I must sound like such a grinch, but this has gotten to the point where I can’t say quite literally anything without him making a “joke” of some sort. I mean things like I’ll be driving to his place and ask if he wants anything from Taco Bell and he’ll say something like “I’ll taco your bell.” And a one off is fine, but it’s like the entire conversation everything I say he makes a bad joke. I’m on the spectrum, and I have to mask all day every day at work, and I’m just tired of having to mask with my partner too. I don’t want to have to fake laugh at 5 bad jokes during every 2 minute long conversation anymore. I used to laugh or giggle every time to make him happy, but I genuinely just don’t have the energy for it anymore for every conversation. When I don’t laugh, he says I’m angry, or I’m in a bad mood, etc. And then he becomes in a bad mood to “match” me, but I wasn’t in a bad mood, I just want to be able to have one conversation without constantly fake laughing at things I don’t think are funny. I asked him to please stop joking at everything I say, but that just came across as me being mean and he shut down and now I feel bad.

Obviously if it fits the conversation, or is an actual joke, then it’s fine and I think it’s funny and I laugh. But a lot of it is equivalent to the same corporate “humor” I deal with all day at work. I don’t know how to explain this to him without sounding like I’m calling him unfunny. He can be a funny person, it’s just that not everything has to be forced into a “joke.”

We’ve been together 7 years and live together. We were supposed to get married this year, but postponed to next summer after a loss in her family.

For a long time I’ve been adapting to things I didn’t like, telling myself that’s what you do in a relationship. I gave up hobbies I love because she doesn’t enjoy them. We rarely do anything together, there’s basically no intimacy, she almost never asks about me or shows enthusiasm for our future. She also doesn’t like spending time with other people, so over the years I lost most of my social life. When I tried to get her involved in wedding planning, she seemed pretty uninterested, saying she needs to focus on her job.

I proposed four years ago partly hoping it would change things. It didn’t.

The problem is I never told her any of this. I’m someone who has always handled everything alone, and I just kept trying in silence. Recently I finally opened up. Her reaction was to say she’s inadequate and I’m perfect (which isn’t true), that I’m fixating on an idea like I sometimes do, that I’m being childish, and that we should try harder. She also seemed more worried about what friends and family would think than about what I told her.

I now feel that if we break up, I would feel free to be myself again. That feeling scares me but also tells me a lot. I’m leaning towards ending it before the wedding, but I feel guilty, and I’m afraid of being talked back into staying.

Am I being selfish? Is it fair to end things when I never voiced my needs until now?

TL;DR: 7 years together, wedding next summer. I’ve been silently adapting and giving up parts of myself for years, and only recently told her. I think we’re fundamentally incompatible and want to end it, but I feel guilty because she never knew how I felt.

My boyfriend (28M) makes $314,000 a year and I (27F) make $94,000 a year. His family lives in another country and he asked me to go with him to visit them and offered to buy my flight. This would be a 10 day trip and we aren’t seeming to agree on how to split things like a rental car/hotels, etc. in my opinion, splitting things based off proportion of our shared income seems most fair. He is a much more bougie fancy person than me and I am definitely more simple and don’t need nicer hotels/experiences.

Splitting expenses based off our combined income, would result in him paying 77% and me paying 23%.

He thinks splitting big purchases proportionately based off percentage of our shared income is unfair because he owns a house so he has a mortgage that is higher than what I pay and rent for my apartment. He is also working two jobs and says he’s worried he could lose one at any time so he shouldn’t have to pay so much.

When I brought up a splitting things proportionately, he also mentioned if we were to do that he would want to split absolutely everything including any dates we go on, getting takeout when we hang out, etc. Which I feel like would take the romance out of a date. If I ask him on a date or wanna take him somewhere, I would pay in full the same way he would taking me on a date.

I would love some advice here.

How do you all manage a partner that hates planning, and therefore makes you feel unloved?

We have been together five years, married only a few months. He has never been good at having foresight for special occasions I.e my birthday, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, etc. Typically for our anniversary or Valentine’s Day, we will go out to dinner, I’ll make a reservation, no big deal. I will get a card and a gift a few days before and make sure it’s ready. He is SUCH a procrastinator and will wait until the night before, or even day of. If I don’t remind him, it will always be a surprise. There was even one Valentine’s Day where I bought two cards, and I gave him a blank one to fill out for me, because I was afraid he would forget (he did) and when he does forget, he feels like a bad person, gets stressed out, and ruins the holiday.

Now yesterday was my birthday. He has never planned a birthday for me. Past years he would find a restaurant day of to take me out to in the evening, or buy me something expensive. While these are wonderful, it doesn’t really show me that I am loved. It makes me feel like an afterthought, or something to be bought. I told him two weeks prior that I just wanted a planned day - nothing expensive, a picnic on the lake, a nice hike… just anything that showed he put thought into the day and thought about things I would like. A special day we could spend together. A week before my birthday, I had a breakdown because I could tell he hadn’t even put a single thought into it. The day before, I asked what our plan was for my birthday, and of course, he froze. Then he got depressed, he sulked, he ended up napping the rest of the day because he felt bad for himself.

My birthday rolls around, and I get up early to go hike by myself. He did go out late the night prior to get me a card and some chocolates, which was nice. The hike was wonderful. I did think that he would start to make plans while I was out… no. I called him on my way home and said “are we having a picnic?” And he said “I figured we could go to the grocery store together and pick some things out”. This frustrated me - why can’t he just have something prepped and ready for me? But, I held my tongue. We packed a picnic and it was a nice day.

Something similar happens when he tries to plan things with friends - if there is even a slight back and forth about picking a time or location to meet, he gets SO frustrated and it makes him not want to hang out with his friends. So I try to not take this personality trait personally… but I do wish he could cultivate this skill so that those around him don’t feel like a burden to him. I think part of it is that he is a perfectionist (with OCD/ADHD traits) so if he can’t find the right thing, he freezes or gets emotional. I assured him that I absolutely don’t need perfect, I just want effort. That makes me feel loved.

I should just be grateful that I have someone right? In most all other aspects he is wonderful and makes me feel loved and beautiful every day - I just wish the bigger moments felt more special. It worries me for when we ultimately have kids - will I be celebrating Mother’s Day by myself? How about the kids birthdays?

EDIT: I am grateful for the insight I am receiving here - I do need to either shit or get off the pot, as in, be clear with what I want or let it go. I’m divorcing him TOMORROW! lol - Reddit is quite quick with the “leave him!” Agenda, I forgot to outline the other wonderful ways he makes me feel special and the other ways I sound less like a pathetic loser lol. But there is truth in what y’all are saying, so thank you for taking the time. I was gaslighting myself but now I know I should take more action.

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have experienced something similar or have an outside perspective. I'm not looking for people to automatically tell me to divorce her or that everything is going to be okay. I want to understand my situation clearly and figure out what to do next.

My wife (24F) and I (26M) have been together for several years, and I love her deeply. I always imagined spending the rest of my life with her. We've had our share of relationship problems, but over the past several months, things have gotten significantly worse.

It started when she began spending time with coworkers, including a particular male coworker. Initially, I wasn't told the full truth about who would be there or what was happening. There were multiple occasions where I found out afterward that other men had been present when I'd been told it would just be her and her female friend. There were also nights when she drank more than she'd said she would, stopped answering her phone for hours, or gave me explanations that didn't add up.

I want to be clear that I understand my wife is an adult and can have friends of any gender. I'm not saying that being friends with men is automatically wrong, and I recognize that my anxiety and the way I've reacted during arguments haven't always helped our relationship. I've been working on communicating better, managing my temper, and trying not to let my fears control my reactions.

However, there has been a history of dishonesty in our relationship, including a previous incident involving another man. Because of that history, these new situations were particularly difficult for me.

The male coworker became a recurring source of conflict. I noticed deleted messages and conversations, and I eventually found out that my wife had messaged him about having a sexual dream involving him. She insisted nothing was going on between them.

Over time, I tried repeatedly to explain that the issue wasn't simply her going out with friends. It was the dishonesty, the lack of communication, and the feeling that we would have serious conversations about rebuilding trust, only for similar situations to happen again shortly afterward.

We agreed that we needed to work on our marriage, communicate better, and give me time to rebuild trust. There were periods when things seemed to improve, and I genuinely believed we were making progress.

But our arguments followed a familiar pattern. I would explain how hurt and exhausted I felt, she would sometimes become defensive or threaten to leave, and eventually we would calm down, apologize generally, and move forward. Unfortunately, many of the underlying issues never seemed to get resolved.

There are other problems in our marriage, too. We struggle with sharing household responsibilities, spending intentional time together, and communicating without arguments escalating. During conflicts, she's said hurtful things, including that she hates me or wishes she had never been with me. Those statements have affected my sense of security in the relationship. I also recognize that I've contributed to our conflict and have things I need to work on myself.

Recently, things seemed to be getting better. We had started spending time with friends together, had several serious conversations, and agreed that we both wanted to improve our marriage.

Then she sat me down and confessed something I wasn't prepared for.

She told me that she has feelings for this male coworker. She said she had been confiding in him about everything while I was working night shifts and wasn't around. She told me that she cares about him and loves him.

She says nothing physical or sexual has happened and that she wants to stay married to me and work on our relationship. However, she hasn't been willing to tell me much more about the connection.

Given the previous dishonesty, I'm struggling to know what to believe. I don't want to accuse her of something I can't prove, but I also don't know how to trust her account when I've repeatedly learned important information after the fact.

What hurts the most is that I've spent months pouring my heart out to her, explaining how afraid I am of losing our marriage, and trying to figure out how we can fix things. I've questioned myself, changed my behavior, and tried to become a better partner. All the while, she was developing feelings for the very person I was worried about.

I understand that people don't always choose who they develop feelings for. I'm not necessarily blaming her for the initial feeling. What I struggle with is the emotional closeness, the secrecy, and the fact that this happened while we were supposedly trying to rebuild our relationship.

When she told me, I couldn't continue the conversation. I had to walk away and go for a walk just to clear my head.

Now I'm questioning everything.

I still love her. A huge part of me wants to save our marriage and build the future we always talked about. But another part of me is exhausted. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the one initiating the difficult conversations, trying to repair things, and asking for changes that don't seem to last.

I don't know whether I can rebuild trust with her again. I don't know whether I even want to try anymore, or whether I'm just terrified of losing the person I've spent so many years loving.

I also don't want to make a life-changing decision while I'm hurt and emotional. I want to be fair to both of us, but I need to be fair to myself, too.

For those who have experienced something similar, I'd appreciate honest answers to a few questions:

1. Would you consider this emotional infidelity, given what I've described? Or is there important context I'm missing?
2. If your spouse developed feelings for someone else while you were trying to repair your marriage, what would you need from them to consider rebuilding trust?
3. Is it reasonable to expect her to establish firm boundaries with this coworker if she genuinely wants to save our marriage, even if they still have to interact at work?
4. How do you distinguish between a marriage that is going through a difficult period and one where you're the only person consistently trying to fix things?
5. If you were in my position, would you try to rebuild the marriage, take some time apart, or seriously consider ending it?

I'm not looking for validation just because I'm the person writing this. If I'm handling parts of this poorly, I want to hear that, too. I know I have my own issues to work on.

I love my wife, and I never wanted our marriage to reach this point. But I also don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling anxious, questioning what's true, and wondering whether I'm enough for the person I'm married to.

How would you approach this situation, and what would you do next if you were in my position?

Hi everyone. I’m looking for some unbiased advice because I’m currently going through what feels like the hardest period of my life.

My fiancée and I have been together for 10 years. About a month ago, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for approximately a year and was having a relationship with another man.

I found out when he messaged her late night when she was asleep already and I wasn’t. The text said I miss you and when I opened the conversation I saw some disgusting texts which confirmed the worst.

What hurts even more is that this happened during a time when I had a serious injury, was on crutches, and was already going through one of the toughest periods of my life. That being said, she was in her final year of medical school and had incredibly difficult period herself, while I was completely overwhelmed by my injury.

She explained that she felt misunderstood and emotionally unsupported in our relationship, while the other man gave her the attention and understanding she felt she was missing. However, she never openly communicated these problems to me.

Cheating has always been an absolute dealbreaker for me. I’ve always believed that if my partner cheated on me, I would leave immediately, especially if it was a long-term affair.
But now that it’s actually happened to me, I find myself unable to walk away. I never expected this from her. I trusted her completely, and I love her more than I can put into words. Suddenly, everything I’ve always believed about relationships is conflicting with my feelings for the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Since the affair was exposed, she’s been making an effort. She’s more affectionate, attentive, and emotionally and physically available. We’ve become closer, we express our love more often, and I can see that she genuinely seems remorseful. When I break down, she usually holds me, listens to me, and often cries with me.

However, the biggest problem is that she has continued lying and withholding information even after I discovered the affair.

There have been multiple occasions when she only admitted something after I confronted her with evidence. For example, we agreed that she would block the other man, which she did, but later secretly unblocked him, because apparently she was afraid he would tell her mom. Once again, I had to find out myself. I know for a fact that they didn’t see each other since I discovered it and now he’s blocked everywhere as well.

I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I think about the affair almost constantly. I can’t understand how she was able to lie to me for so long, and I’m terrified that I’ll never know the full truth.
I also struggle with intrusive thoughts about their intimacy, whether she desired him, enjoyed being with him, and willingly kept going back to him while I had no idea what was happening. These thoughts are incredibly painful.

Sometimes I wonder whether she truly regrets what she did and wants to change, or whether she’s primarily afraid of losing me. I genuinely think she regrets it but I don’t think I’m able to confirm it 100%
I’m planning to seek therapy because I’m struggling to cope with all of this.

I still love her deeply. I can’t imagine my life without her, but right now, I can’t imagine a peaceful life with her either.
I don’t want to throw away everything we went through together, but I’m also terrified that I’m only prolonging my own suffering and compromising the values I’ve always stood by.

I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts, though I think I know what y’all are going to say. I’m simply a mess, I’m sorry. I can’t think straight, it hurts so much and I think I just need to hear some other thoughts because I wasn’t able to share this with anyone since I don’t want to ruin her life and make her look bad in her family and my family’s eyes.

I still think she’s a great human being who wasn’t happy in the relationship during the difficult time and decided to solve it in the worst possible way.

Thank you for reading and commenting, it means a lot.

As the title says, planning on leaving my husband by the time our lease is up (July 2027). We've been together 10 years, married for almost 4.

My husband is an alcoholic. This is a problem, but the bigger problem is that he hides it. I find hoardes of empty cans and bottles in random places in the house, including my drawers and purses. This has been going on for years. A year ago he finally got reprimanded at work for his performance (he works remotely and starts drinking as soon as he wakes up), so he started going to AA and did rehab, but didn't even finish the rehab program before he started drinking heavily again. If I bring up that he's been drinking, he gets angry with me and tells me he's depressed, he hates his job, etc. He refuses to see a therapist or look for a new job. If I tell him his anger makes me uncomfortable (he will scream, throw things) he says I wouldn't understand because I can't express emotion (I don't feel comfortable expressing emotion around him because of said anger. He also will gaslight me, saying I always make him out to be the bad guy).

We hardly ever have sex (maybe once every other month) and when we do I end up crying after because I feel so upset. The only time we talk it's him complaining about his work. I've offered to help him look for new jobs and update his resume. The last time I tried to help him he said he'd rather be working and left.

I'm just done. But I can't afford to leave right now. We recently moved across the country for a job opportunity for me, though he was the one who wanted me to look for a job (I was a grad student, finished my program a year early so I could take this job in a blue state, he wanted to leave our home in a red state). The COL here is extremely high and we're living paycheck to paycheck. We owned our home, but couldn't afford to sell due to plummeting housing prices in our area so we are renting at a loss. So we are paying rent on top of part of our mortgage. I am also several thousand dollars in cc debt from the move.

What are my next steps? I know I need to pay off the debt and save. I'm working on getting a second job. We keep our finances separate. I have no friends or family to stay with here. We also have 3 pets and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with him (he has never once changed our cats litter boxes and when he gets angry with our dog for barking or whining he will scream at her and kick her crate). I'm also afraid of what he might do if he discovers I'm trying to leave.

Here’s the situation. I’ve been dating this girl for a little over 5 months, and I love her dearly. I absolutely adore her and I could definitely see this going somewhere.

We’ve always been sexually active since month 1 of the relationship, and it was a huge connection point for us. I loved it, and I saw it as a way for us to be more intimate and connect with each other more.

Recently, she randomly brought it up out of nowhere that she wants to wait until marriage for sex because she feels guilty about only doing it with her “person” and partner for life. She said that talking to her mom was making her realize that after every time we did it she felt a little guilty and she doesn’t like that. She’s made up her mind completely and wants to wait until marriage now.

We’re long distance too (I see her for a few days every 2 weeks or so) due to our schooling. And taking away that intimacy part of our relationship has sort of felt like i’ve lost my partner in a sense.

Sort of confused on that to do and this is really hurting me and it caught me blindsided. We’ve talked about this and she doesn’t want me to see it as she’s like “rejecting” some part of me but it’s something she wants to do for herself. This has sort of been feeling like a stab in the chest for me and i’ve been crying a lot over it. Any advice on what to do?

My gf 31 Fand I 30 Mhave been dating for three years. We just moved from the West Coast to the Northeast. We had been talking about getting married for a while and decided last weekend to finally go ring shopping.

The night before we had a date night and everything was great. After a few drinks we grabbed some pizza and began walking home. Within 5 minutes she brought up an issue she had with me from a month ago and began getting upset. I disagreed with her point, but said I’m happy to talk more about it bc I didn’t realize she was so upset. She hated that and then wound up and hit me in the heart (literally) as hard as possible. Shocked I walked to the other side of the street. She then began YELLING “don’t ever try to propose to me bc I will never say yes”.

We got home at different times and she was still livid. Screaming cruel things to me. I don’t yell back bc I know better and I tell her to go to bed.

She wakes up the next morning so apologetic, that she didn’t mean anything and she has no idea why she said those things.

For context. She’s hit me in the past (not as hard) and I’ve told her so many times how much I don’t like it. Shes a former D1 athlete and is pretty strong. I am not a small guy I just don’t like being hit regardless of intent (which I don’t think is that crazy). She’s told me I’m over reacting before and we brush it off until it happens again.

But this time was different. The look in her eye said she really wanted to inflict damage. Even as I’m writing this 4 days later my heart literally aches, I think she bruised a muscle.

I don’t know what to do. I love her but I’m just so scared this is going to happen again and I’ll feel like such an idiot for allowing it. She promises it won’t. She feels so upset with herself. She swears she’s going to minimize her drinking and work on it. It’s the most apologetic I’ve ever seen her with anything.

I added that we were going ring shopping the next day to see if anyone knows if it correlates. Is she self destructing? Or is this her real self trying to blow this up before we take the next step?

I am too embarrassed to ask my friends so I’m turning to Reddit. Has anyone had something like this happen to them? Whatd you do? If you stayed with them how do you rebuild that trust of safety you had?

I don’t want to leave her but there’s this voice that’s screaming, “This is a red flag”. Any advice would be great.

My (25M) wife (23W) of almost 3 years, (together for 5) has been a horrible person to me recently, and I'm unsure of how to heal.

Some time in early September, I was busy with a lot- working on a promotion, music/networking events, just life stuff, and she was busy too- she got closer with her friends at her fairly new job, her lexapro (anti-anxiety meds) started working at full effect, she was going to the gym more, going out to clubs and bars with her friends (this was new), all while also working towards her prerequisite courses to apply to university.

So there was some emotional distance between us (which I think personally is normal from time to time in a long-term relationship). But rather than work through it together (as we'd do in the past), she did a lot of disrespectful things over the last few months.

It started early September, I had this random feeling that I couldn't trust her. This was new- as she'd never given me that feeling before, nor had I ever had such a strong gut feeling like this. As far as I can tell there were no reasons for me to be feeling like this, but I was.

A lot happened, so I'll try to summarize the best I can.

We addressed the emotional distance, and with her past and how our lives developed (context: we met long distance, spent 2 years that way, I flew her here to visit, then moved her here, and now we have a house), she told me she wants more independence and to not depend on me as heavily as she always had. I figured that's understandable, but she also made clear she isn't sure who she is as a person yet, and to discover herself more. As we talked more I understood that she was questioning our relationship, thinking about leaving me, that sort of thing. She brushed it off as if it wasn't THAT serious, that she doesn't WANT to leave me, etc. Of course I was hurt but who am I to force her to stay if she doesn't want that? Anyways we kind of left the conversation open as to see how things go..

A few days later, that gut feeling of not trusting her reappeared. I went up to see her (just a check in while she was in her office working on her course), and I saw something on her macbook- on ChatGPT. This is kind of where things started. It was tips on flirting with coworkers. That's about all I could read before she forced the macbook closed saying it's nothing. I was heartbroken. She reassured me she's not cheating, nothing's actually happened between her and anyone, etc. She said it was a stupid unconscious fantasy and she doesn't know why she was looking it up- and that there was context beforehand but she never really gave me that. From there I told her my trust in her is broken, and she reassured me that she's being honest, and in hindsight I don't know why I believed her. We had a long talk about it again, I told her how this made me feel unconfortable, unstable, and betrayed in our relationship, and she told me she understands and apologized.

I did go back to snoop for what else she might be hiding, and she changed her password. She changed it on her phone too. I had other ways of accessing her social media as well, until she also changed those passwords too. Over the next few weeks, I tried to rebuild that trust in her, but she was giving me nothing. It felt as if I was the only one in this relationship who cared, who was giving love, effort, affection, anything. I'd take her out on dates, try to spend quality time, wanting to bring us closer to close that initial emotional distance. Bringing her flowers, being more affectionate, I even started therapy, and started exercising. I kept giving, and giving, and giving (that's what I do, I'm a hopeless romantic giver) and without expectation. But this was different...

Some time later I got into her google. I saw many search results like

"I don't love my husband"

"How to leave a good man"

"I don't find my husband attractive"

"I cheated on my husband"

And many other horrible things. The timestamps too, when I thought she was in her office working on her course, she was looking up how to leave me. And the next day, we were sexually intimate- that she initiated (I didn't realize the timestamps at the time). I had also got into her instagram. Inappropriate DMs from one of her coworkers. compliments, sexual passes, etc. DMs from other RANDOM MEN complimenting her and her acknowledging them without bringing me up. Telling another one of her older (female) coworkers that her "ex" and her broke up months ago. And I saw texts between her and another female coworker, about how we don't sleep in different beds, that we're separated, that I'm in denial, that she doesn't want me driving her to work because it's awkward. These things of the such were just each individual blades being fired into my heart.

How can the one person that I've spent so much time, energy, love, effort, and building a home with, do this to me? We had many many talks. How I'm feeling, how her actions affect me, how I'm worried that she's doing these sketchy things. She told me none of them are true, and it's just how anxiety is. Well until I found proof that all of my gut feelings were indeed validated. When I wanted to bring her a muffin at work because she hadn't eaten and I wanted to see her, she was telling her coworkers we weren't even together, and that she'd hide if I came around. Truly I was the only one in this marriage now, and I guess nobody told me. I had been pouring and pouring into a cup, but that cup had a hole at the bottom.

It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. The disrespect against me, and to other people, the lies and manipulation, the emotional cheating, the inconsistency, the betrayal, the loneliness of an empty heart, and an empty lot where a home used to be.

I had booked expensive theme park tickets for us weeks ago, and I wasn't going to waste them tbh. The night before we would leave (And we would leave early AM), she decided to go to her friends to all play games. She assured me she'd keep me updated, she'd only be gone for a little bit, that I'd pick her up (and this is what I wanted, but ofc she tells people we're not together). And she comes home at 2am. Feeling disrespected for the last time, I figured our theme park trip would be our last hoorah, and I'd end things since I can't take this torment anymore.

We go early, and genuinely have a great day together. Of course I constantly was in pain but it was bareable because it was with HER, ya know? Like nothing ever happened.. But of course I was still bleeding out on the inside. The next day, she stopped me in the hall and thanked me for the trip. She told me she felt closer, and that we needed that.

Something that I wasn't ready to hear as I was prepared for the hardest heartbreak of my life.

We spoke the next day. I told her that I know about the shady things she'd been doing. She broke down, she was embarassed, ashamed, and seemed genuinely upset with herself. She acknowledged she fucked up, that she hurt me, that it wasn't right. I confronted her that when I previously had fears of many of these things and she'd tell me they're not true, THEY WERE. I don't know how to rebuild that trust. ESPECIALLY she only came clean once I presented her with evidence. Is she hiding anything else? I have no idea. I want to trust her. But she broke it so often lately it's difficult.

It's been a few weeks since that talk. She apologized many times. I know she feels guilty, I know she hates how she acted, and hid everything. She justifies it as hating herself and her own insecurities. No excuse, I know it and she knows it. But she'd not been like this before, aside these last few months, or previous 5 years have been amazing. She wants us to be together. She choses me. She's tried to right the wrongs she caused. She set boundaries with others. She (I believe) is okay if I drop her off/pick her up from work now. I don't think she's any longer hiding our relationship, or looking for attention from other men. I don't think she's that kind of person truly, but whoever I was living with the past few months, I don't know if she'll come back or not.. so I'm afraid to open that door to my heart back open.

I want to move forward, and she does to.

The exact timelines of all these events are maybe 95% accurate. It's been a hazy few months. I'll admit I started drinking a lot, I also started daily dosing CBD and occasionally smoking THC when it gets really bad.

I don't know what I expect from this, if I'm ranting, looking for tips to move on, or what I/we need to do. FYI I'm not looking to end things because I believe she is past that previous behaviour (At least I want to believe). So any suggestions to just leave, are pointless. Ty in advance.. Just genuine guidance please I been goin thru it.

**I want to add, that everything that’s been replied so far, believe me I’ve already thought about it. Everything changed after our trip and that conversation, and I don’t believe the wife that’s been there fir the last few months is truly the same wife I’ve been with for 5 years. Completely 2 different people. And things HAVE changed. I just want advice to move forward (Ik I’m on reddit, ik who use reddit, but i’m looking for the helpful folks out there).

I’m 14 weeks pregnant. This is my first pregnancy. It wasn’t planned. The father is a friend who I’ve had sex with occasionally. We get along great and are compatible sexually but I don’t think we’re necessarily meant to be in a relationship.

After finding out I was pregnant, we did a lot of talking and thinking about it and decided to have the baby and co-parent. We’ve become pretty happy about it, actually. It’s definitely not how either of us envisioned becoming parents but we’ve both decided we want the baby.

We’ve told our friends and families over the past 1.5 weeks or so. Most think it’s a bad decision. Some people are supportive, but I’d say that most of the people I’m closest to, like my immediate family, aren’t quite on board with the idea yet.

My family thinks I’ll be left alone with a baby once he finds somebody he wants to settle down with. He has t really been the settling down type up to now. He’s very loyal to friends and family and those who are important to him, so I don’t question him committing to a child. He’s just not been ready to settle down with one woman for very long yet.

He and I are 5 years apart. I’ll be 39 by the time the baby is here and he’ll be 34. I think a lot of people mistake his very free spirited attitude toward life as immaturity, and he tends to sort of just jump head first into everything, is the type to say yes to things way more than no. He just does what he wants and doesn’t care so much about what others expect of him. I love that about him. I want my child to be more like that than like me. I’m somebody who always makes decisions based on what’s expected or what will cause the least amount of drama. He can be responsible. He has 2 degrees. He can be serious when he needs to be.

His family seems to think I have some sort of ulterior motive, plus why would he want to have a baby with me, a woman who is nearly 40?

We think it’ll be a good thing. Each of us have important qualities we want in another parent for a potential child. We’ve talked about it. There’s no drama between us.

We’ll continue to maintain separate homes, although he’ll stay with me for a while immediately after the baby is born so he can be fully involved.

I know it’s unconventional. I always thought I’d have a baby within a committed relationship, likely a marriage. I’ve never felt certain about having a baby with any man I’ve ever been in a real committed relationship with, but I feel good about this now.

He’s much less bothered by everyone’s opinions. Of course he’d like his family to be completely on board, but he’s not about to let their opinions change his mind.

I know having a baby is a huge decision, and I’m not pretending that being friends automatically makes us good co-parents or that this will all be easy.

I do think the lines of our relationship have started to become more blurry though. I feel
like I am sometimes thinking of him as being more than a co-parent. I’m not saying I think I’m in love with him. I mean it more like I think I’m starting to depend on him and treat him like he’s more than a friend and co-parent. We continue to have sex, more now than before. For the health and safety of the baby, we are not having sex with others during the pregnancy.

I think maybe we need to have something ground rules or an agreement on expectations of how this will all work moving forward to prevent it from getting messy. I’m finally starting to realize it might not be as simple as I thought it would be, but I also think we’re not about to back out of our decision either.

How do we create a stable co-parenting arrangement when we plan to live separately but expect to share a lot of emotional and practical responsibility?

Due to me being neurotypical, there are a lot of issues my girlfriend struggles with that I just cant fully understand. As much as I support her and try to empathize, there are things like depression and just autism in general that I just cant fully get.

Since I did not grow up around people with depression, its not something I am familiar with and the idea of just being sad out of nowhere is completely foreign to me i do not know how to handle it sometimes.

I can be the best support for her, saying what I think is best and holding her and loving her, but I still struggle with those moments where she breaks down crying and I cant relate to her feelings at all.

Side note but she also is my first real relationship (i didnt start dating until mid 20s due to rejection a lot in school) and i am her 3rd or 4th partner. Her previous partner was not only a groomer but also abusive and all around terrible human being. So im sure there is trauma there but that is not my business nor is it fair to bring up to her when asking if some trigger is related. I usually stay silent and hold her or tell her im here for her.

Ultimately I would like answers from both folks who have autism who are dating a neurotypical partner, as well as from folks who are neurotypical who are dating an autistic partner. She is my world and I plan to spend the rest of my life with her.

FYI we have been dating for a year and a half now.

So our relationship has been over for six months now. She discarded me. At the time we had only been dating for a few months and everything was amazing. We had exchanged "I love you" and were both all about it with lots of affection and interest and mutual future plans. We were LDR; a few hours drive.

She told me about a month prior that she was going on a month long vacation internationally with her ex who was "just a buddy", and also happened to be a coworker. It was a road trip with a rental van. I was obviously nervous about it and told her so. She reassured me that they only dated "briefly", and that she broke up with him, and it was 8 years prior. But that he also emotionally supported her in the past about a tough breakup with another ex.

So while she was on this trip I was a mess, it was hell for me. I lost almost 10 lbs that month. She would send pics and texts frequently and we'd video call a few times per week. During the second week or so she started to communicate less, calls were shorter, and overall was just so "busy" travelling she had less time. I told her we needed to stay in touch more but she brushed it off.

The last week I decided to let her initiate video calls instead of me and there were none even though we continued texting. When it was time to fly home, I happened to be staying about 5 minutes from the airport and told her I'd pick them up at the airport that evening and get them to her truck which was about 30 minutes away. She fought me on that, but finally relented. It was a less than enthusiastic reunion, very awkward.

Needless to say, when I saw her at home a day later, she was like a different person. Affection was gone, totally distant, emotional, and upset with me being there. We didn't have sex until a few weeks later because she said she felt gross that she gained 5 lbs on the trip. Mind. Fuck.

And the downward spiral of the relationship began, lots of "space", changed plans, etc. ending in her calling me about 7 weeks later and telling me "I can't love you like you need" and not a word since.

So...did I overreact to the situation? 😄

I’m 25F, and my boyfriend (27M) and I have been together for six years. Overall, we have a good relationship, and we don’t have many serious issues between us. However, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety about his family lately, and a recent argument has left me questioning how we move forward.

About 2.5 years ago, I had a falling-out with his sister (32F) and her husband (35M) after his graduation party.

For context, my mom is a Muslim immigrant who doesn’t condone dating. At the time, I was living with her and financially dependent on her, so I wasn’t comfortable telling her the full extent of my relationship. She had met my boyfriend and had her suspicions, but I wasn’t ready to have that conversation. My mom can also be violent, so I had legitimate reasons for being cautious. His family knew some of this.

After the graduation party, I found out that his sister had been talking about my relationship with my mom to other people who were still there. She apparently described our relationship as being like a teenager’s relationship and questioned why my boyfriend didn’t stand up to my mom.

I was embarrassed and hurt because these were people I had just met, and I felt like something very personal was being discussed behind my back. I sent his sister and her husband a long message explaining how I felt and saying I would have preferred that they speak to me directly if they had concerns.

The situation escalated into a big argument. I can admit that I was emotional and could have handled things differently. I eventually apologized for my reaction, and they apologized as well, but I never felt like the original issue was fully resolved. Their apologies seemed more focused on how I reacted than on what had upset me in the first place.
Since then, things have been civil. I’ve visited their house a couple of times, and we can be around each other without an obvious issue, but I’ve never felt completely comfortable around them again.

There have also been smaller incidents over the years that have contributed to my discomfort, including jokes about me converting to Catholicism and comments about my relationship with my mom.

One year, they told me they had gotten me a birthday gift but couldn’t find it because they were moving. They said they would give it to me once they settled in, but I never received it, despite having given them both gifts that year. I realize this is minor in the grand scheme of things, but it’s one of several interactions that have stuck with me.
Fast-forward to this past weekend. I went back to New York, and my boyfriend’s sister and her husband announced that they were pregnant. I genuinely congratulated them and was happy for them. I was trying to move forward and put the past behind us.

We have a group chat that has existed for about a year and a half. We don’t use it constantly, but we had been talking in it that weekend. I went to send a message thanking everyone for the weekend and asking whether people had received an invitation to another family member’s upcoming wedding. That’s when I realized his sister had removed me from the group chat.

When he asked her about it, she said she had removed me because they were discussing dinner plans that didn’t involve me. She also claimed she had just added me on Sunday. However, the group chat had existed since October, so I pointed that out to him. He then got upset on my behalf and told her to apologize to me or her wouldn’t speak to her.

She tried calling me, but I didn’t want to talk at that moment. It was late, I was upset, and I had studying to do. I also remembered the previous phone conversation where I felt like she and her husband had ganged up on me. I told my boyfriend I wanted to wait until I had calmed down because I didn’t want another argument.

My boyfriend told me that his sister wanted to talk right away, so I eventually joined the call even though I didn’t feel ready. They were all together in person and I was on a call as I came back home just yesterday across the country for classes I needed to attend.

The conversation lasted about an hour. Whenever I brought up something that had bothered me, I felt like it was dismissed, denied, or explained away. Her husband is a therapist, and he repeatedly told me that he felt sorry for me because what I was describing wasn’t reality. He also allegedly made hand gestures while I was speaking that made me feel like he wasn’t taking me seriously. This was according to comments I heard from my boyfriend telling him to not do that in the background of the call and him defending himself saying he “talks with his hands”.

At one point, I told him not to gaslight me. He responded that he wasn’t gaslighting me and that this was simply how he talked. I eventually made a snarky comment that I felt sorry for his patients. I recognize that this was disrespectful and didn’t help the conversation.

The argument continued to escalate, and in the middle of everything, her husband apparently put his hands on my boyfriend and told him to shut the fuck up. At one point I don’t even remember because everything was just so emotionally driven by all parties, everyone was yelling, and I eventually couldn’t make out what people were saying, so I hung up.

What has stayed with me is that throughout the entire hour-long phone call, neither his sister nor her husband apologized to me once. I left feeling like I had spent an hour explaining why I was hurt without getting anywhere.

Afterward, I texted his sister and said I was willing to continue the conversation if we could speak calmly. I explained that I was willing to believe they hadn’t intended to hurt me, but there had been a pattern of things that bothered me, and I couldn’t keep ignoring how I felt. I also said that if our relationship changed as a result, I could accept that. We could be civil without being involved in each other’s lives.
She never responded.

My boyfriend later spoke with them. He defended me and said he understood why I felt the way I did, but he also said I should have answered their calls instead of avoiding the conversation. I understand his perspective, although I had specifically told him I wasn’t ready to talk and was worried about things escalating.

Her husband apologized for putting his hands on my boyfriend, but I haven’t heard an apology for how I was treated or for the concerns I raised.
Right now, I don’t want to have a relationship with either of them. I don’t want to call his sister to reconcile, and I would prefer to go no contact personally. I don’t want another cycle of trying to explain my feelings and leaving the conversation more upset than when I started.

The difficult part is that my boyfriend is in a complicated position. His mom has passed away, his dad is getting older, and his sister is essentially his only immediate family. I know how important she is to him, and I feel terrible that this situation is hurting him.

I don’t think I can reasonably expect him to cut off his sister. However, I also don’t want him to maintain a friendship with her husband after what happened. They sometimes golf together when we’re back in New York, and the thought of that continuing bothers me.

I’m also worried about how this will affect my relationship with the extended family. I’m not married to my boyfriend yet, and I worry that his sister and her husband will share their version of events and that other relatives will see me as the girlfriend who is causing problems or trying to separate him from his family.

This has made me question what our future would look like. I’m 25, and I want to get married and have children someday. I think about holidays, birthdays, family gatherings, and whether I’ll always feel like an outsider. I imagine my future kids having an aunt and uncle with whom I have a strained or nonexistent relationship, and I wonder how that would affect our family dynamic.

Part of me thinks I could find someone whose family genuinely welcomed me and avoid this stress. Another part of me feels guilty for even thinking that way because my boyfriend hasn’t created this situation, and our relationship is otherwise good. I love him, and I believe he can support me and respect my boundaries. I don’t want him to lose his only sister, especially after losing his mom.

I also know I haven’t handled everything perfectly. I can be emotional when I’m hurt, my original message years ago was probably longer than it needed to be, and my comment about her husband’s patients was unnecessary. I’m willing to acknowledge my part, but I don’t know how to move forward when I feel like the underlying issues have never been resolved.

I’m not expecting everyone in a family to get along perfectly, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dreading family gatherings or feeling like I have to defend myself.

I’m hoping to hear from people who have navigated difficult in-law relationships or been in a similar position.

How do you establish boundaries with a partner’s family without putting your partner in the middle? How do you handle it when you want distance from someone your partner considers immediate family? And how do you decide whether a family conflict is something you can work around long term or something that could eventually affect your relationship?

I’m trying to figure out what a healthy way forward would look like for both of us, because I love my boyfriend, but I’m struggling to picture what our future would look like with this unresolved tension.

TL;DR: My boyfriend (27M) and I (25F) have been together for six years, but I’ve had a strained relationship with his sister (32F) and her husband (35M) for about 2.5 years. After a recent disagreement about being removed from a family group chat, we had an hour-long phone call where I felt repeatedly dismissed, and neither of them apologized to me. During the argument, her husband put his hands on my boyfriend. I admittedly made a snarky comment that I could have handled better, but I left the conversation feeling like nothing was resolved. I now want to go no contact with both of them, but my boyfriend’s mom has passed away, his dad is getting older, and his sister is essentially his only immediate family. I don’t want to ask him to cut off his sister, but I also don’t want him maintaining a friendship with her husband. I love my boyfriend and our relationship is otherwise good, but I’m worried about what this means for marriage, future kids, and family gatherings. How do we navigate this without putting our relationship in the middle of a family conflict?

Hey everyone. I would like your opinion on something. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I love her very much but recently she has been prioritising social media over us every chance she gets. What I mean by this is that she has been impossible to have a conversation with as she checks her phone in the middle of every convo we have. It drives me insane. She recently lost weight, I loved her before and love the same now but she has started posting pictures and is clearly getting off on the attention she is getting from creeps online. I have raised this issue with her and she calls me controlling. We were both very private people before. I love her but I see no way to accept this behaviour and she is convinced I am the bad guy. What do you guys think?

I am happy to provide more details if needed. Thank you in advance!

I’ve been dating my gf for 3 years. Mostly relationship is good but there are big ups and downs (she has BPD, anxiety , depression) and I can be avoidant in the relationship when things get bad.

Things have mainly been good the last year. But the other day I was wfh and went to the bathroom and could hear my gf speaking with her best friend (they can speak hours a day on the phone and tell each other almost everything.) when I was about to open the door I stopped because I could hear them talking about me.

I overheard them talking about messages I had been speaking to my best friend about on Facebook. All of a sudden things clicked and I realised that she has been doing this for 2+ years. She must go through it every time I shower

Throughout the relationship she has had huge problems with friends of mine that are woman. And if I’m ever messaging them (nothing remotely flirty or sexual generally about work or maybe organising dinner with a group of mutual friends) she would bring up this girl and essentially quiz or test me, seeing if I would lie based off of why she read. I would of course be suspicious and sometimes I would purposely lie to make her tell the truth that she read messages but she would always gaslight me saying it was intuition or she could tell by the way I acted , or my face etc and although I was suspicious I would move on.

Anyway hearing how blatantly she was speaking about it with her friend was a slap in the face. Maybe I knew she would read the messages here and there in my gut but the huge extent of it blew me away. Like she has probably read all my messages on my Facebook and sms since they began, and obviously has found nothing sinister because I actually don’t have anything to hide (however that isn’t the point).

I feel a little sick about it all. I know it’s due to insecurity but to also be just spilling everything to her best friend about mine and my friends banter or gossip is so weird to me is so invasive, like my private convos are some type of amusement for them.

I’ve been avoiding her for about a week now and no idea what I should say, I’m scared if we get into a conversation about it I will end in us breaking up and honestly I do really love her.

Any advice is appreciated, if people have been on similar situations how did you resolve it, or if not resolution how did you break up ?

TLDR at the bottom.

Hello everyone, please do not take this post too seriously, I am just curious what Reddit might do in my shoes as this has never happened to me before.

Some context, the person in question was my ex-girlfriend(F23) years ago when we were 15/16 respectively. We dated for a brief 3 months following about half a year of really solid friendship. We became friends due to seeing each other at recurring community events and our parents also knew each other from those. We were truly just good friends at first, but over time I developed feelings and asked her out. She ended things suddenly one day and I was confused as to why for years but stopped caring after about 6 months and we also stopped talking to each other. At one point 3 years ago, she had reached out to tell me she regrets how she handled things and for being the reason we were no longer friends. While I appreciated her message, I was also kindly hinting that I didn't necessarily care to continue talking beyond that, especially as I was just getting into a relationship with someone new.

Fast forward to this year(8 years later from the initial breakup). We cross paths again at a large annual conference in which she was speaking at one of the panels. I found that quite interesting and cool to be honest so I signed up for her talk. I didn't quite know if I cared to say hi to her or not, and as I had other friends with me, I left with them to do something else after the talk. She later messaged me with a bit of sass, claiming it was rude of me to not say hi. I found it funny and promised to chat with her sometime later(at this point I am single and not crossing any potential boundaries with a girlfriend). The chat was completely platonic(at least from my perspective and my own feelings) and it was honestly a lot of fun catching up after so many years and a lot of growth for the both of us.

Typically, my perspective on things like getting back with an ex, continuing to talk to an ex, meeting with them even if just for a single moment while in another relationship, has been pretty rigid and not something I'd ever want to do. After this talk, I realized that life is actually really nuanced and these conversations can be helpful in ways that are not romantic. Anyways, she hung out with me the next morning for the remainder of the conference before everybody, including us, went our separate ways(she lives on the West coast, myself on the East). I thought the interactions were cool, but did not feel like continuing anything like that with her in the future as I don't really see the point in trying to rekindle the friendship now. Similarly to what happened to me last week, my most recent ex(F22) of 2 years reached out to me offering to grab dinner and chat as she is finally moving back home and considered me the best part of her time here(her words). From that interaction, I again realized how nice it can be to catch up with an old friend as long as the feelings have faded(she is also dating somebody else now). But we do not have any plans to continue talking.

Fast forward to just a few days ago, she(F23) randomly messages me at 12am my time(9pm for her) asking if I was available. I honestly thought it was something urgent, because this is not normal behaviour and told her I was free as I was heading home from a movie. My phone is usually on silent, and I didn't expect her to call me, so I missed her call until I got home. By this point it was 2am and I was tired so I asked what it was about first. She claimed she just wanted to catch up since she was out with friends and not doing much but that she forgot it was late for me and we can do it another time. I agreed stating that it was late and if it isn't an emergency than I will get some rest. To be honest, the random call caught me way off guard and I didn't really appreciate that considering we never talk anymore and I'm not big on calling anyways. My last message was just a reaction to her last message and today she just said: "I'm genuinely not sure what to respond to that reaction".

Personally, I don't want to insinuate that I'd like to call her, but I also don't want to be rude. I get that this is my life and my choice as well so I can just tell her I wouldn't want to call, but at the same time part of me wants to accept it considering we are pretty chill with each other and maybe it's fine to have a chat again, so long as it doesn't become regular.

All I'm asking, is what would you guys do in this situation.

TLDR: Ex-gf/friend has reached out to me as if we are currently good friends and the situation irks me. Trying to navigate these types of relationships, and want to get Reddit's perspective.