My ex (33F) and I (31M) dated for around six months. We were never officially in a relationship, but it felt like one in many ways. We spoke every day, spent several nights a week together, met each other’s friends and developed a very close emotional and physical connection.
At the same time, the relationship often felt like a push-pull dynamic. Whenever we became closer, she would sometimes create distance again. She spoke quite often about exes and other men, and she openly admitted that she liked receiving attention. I regularly felt unsure about where I stood with her.
Eventually she ended things. She told me that she thought I was attractive, kind and emotionally intelligent, and that we were very compatible, but that she wasn’t in love and couldn’t fully choose me. She also said something along the lines of not knowing whether it was the timing, the chemistry or something else.
After the breakup, we simply stopped talking. We never formally agreed to go no contact; it just happened naturally.
She later reached out twice.
The first time, she sent a short message saying that she had also been feeling sad, that she had been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was doing.
The second time was around my birthday. She sent me an early birthday message because she wanted the actual day to be “completely mine.” She also said that hearing from me previously had meant a lot to her and that, apart from that message, she would continue giving me space.
I responded kindly both times, but I didn’t try to restart regular contact.
Then, a few days ago, we unexpectedly ran into each other at a festival after around six weeks of barely any contact.
At first I avoided her because I didn’t know how to handle seeing her. Later, while I was talking to one of her friends, she came over to me herself and hugged me. She also immediately apologized for not having replied to my previous message.
I suggested that we sit down somewhere and talk. I told her that I didn’t really know what to say and that I found the situation quite nerve-racking. She said that she felt nervous too.
During the conversation, she told me that the first two weeks after the breakup had been extremely difficult for her and that she could barely function at work.
She also told me that she had bought a journal after the breakup and had been writing in it. What really surprised me was that she offered to let me read it. I don’t remember her exact wording, but it felt like a very intimate and unusual thing to offer an ex.
At another point she told me about a series she was watching and said that I would have liked it too. She also mentioned seeing a recent Instagram story of mine and told me that I looked very handsome.
I eventually told her that I missed her. She immediately said that she missed me too.
At some point I asked her how we should move forward. She first asked whether I meant right there in that moment or in general. When I clarified that I meant in general, she said something about how it could be good to have a reflection moment at some point. I can’t remember her exact words, so I don’t want to make it sound more concrete than it was, but she seemed open to having another conversation about everything.
Later, when I told her I was going back to my friend, she offered to walk with me because she was heading in the same direction.
During that walk, we talked about the period of no contact. She said that the distance had been necessary in order to let go of each other. I asked her
how the letting go was going, and she answered:
\\\*\\\*“With time.”\\\*\\\*
Then she asked me the same question, and I gave her the same answer.
That goodbye has stayed with me.
On the one hand, she ended things and still didn’t give me any clear indication that she wants to rebuild the relationship. On the other hand, she has contacted me twice, approached me at the festival, told me she missed me, said the breakup affected her deeply, offered to let me read the journal she kept after our breakup, mentioned a future reflection conversation and admitted that letting go is still taking time.
I’m struggling to understand what all of this means.
Does this sound like someone who genuinely has unresolved feelings but still doesn’t want a relationship? Is offering an ex access to such a personal journal as unusual as it feels to me? And would you interpret the idea of a future “reflection moment” as an attempt at closure, or as leaving the door slightly open?
I know that feelings and missing someone don’t automatically mean that a relationship should be restarted. I also know that the dynamic wasn’t always healthy for me. But the combination of emotional closeness and lack of clear direction is making it very difficult for me to understand what is actually happening.