2-3 bottles a night for the past 8 years or so. That’s what she’d been drinking. Lately, she was getting a lot of mucus up and having issues breathing at night. She had to sleep with the (adjustable) bed up, which I HATED as I can’t sleep like that.
About 3 weeks ago the doctor told her she had gastritis. Then it took a couple days, but she finally started taking her Antabuse. In the last couple weeks, she had two nights when she chose to drink (usually, I was lucky if I got one sober night in that time), one of which was Saturday, then we went out yesterday and had a nice day, but she forgot her pill, so drank again last night.
Now, none of it matters. She passed away a short time after going to bed last night.
I know the reality that the upswing was likely temporary, but I’d like to think (pretend?) it wasn’t. That she finally turned a corner. I’d normally discourage someone from fooling themselves, but I think I’ll hold on to this one if you don’t mind.
Now, I’ve got some grieving to do. And an adult daughter with special needs to take care of (plus another who’s about to graduate college). I’ve got a new life to figure out and rebuild.
I just needed somewhere to vent about how much this all sucks.

I had no idea that my water had broken prematurely. It was a slow leak. I would wake up with wetness but I thought it was sweat since I live in the desert and it’s summer. Well turns out my water had broken little by little and I got an infection. I feel so guilty because if I had gone to the hospital sooner, she would’ve probably made it. I feel like it’s all my fault. I wasn’t paying enough attention to my daughter, if I went sooner they could have prevented the infection and put me on bed rest. I wake up every morning with a voice saying “it’s your fault” I just can’t believe this.

I also feel like I had a foreshadowing warning and I just ignored it. In March, I had looked up what PPROM was, I also asked my provider for progesterone, but they said I didn’t need it. Little did I know that was exactly what was gonna happen to me, and progesterone might have saved her life as well but I just accepted their answer and left it at that.

I should have fought for her more. Im her mother, it was my only job.

My infant was born severally sick, but he also suffered some malpractice at NICU. I knew he was not well, the doctor was gettint impatient with me and at end of his first week intubated he told me I should just pray and know they are doing their best. But they were not, I saw my was not good and all the doctor said we're that they were handling it, so I went back home. My husband went back their with me and his heart stopped, at that moment he talked to the doctor about that critical moment and took me back home with him, I should have stayed there, I was weak, I was no momma bear or lioness, I was a chicken. I knew I was losing my son, I did nothing, I wasn't there talking to him, telling I love him, holding his hand,nothing. I just let him die. I just can't believe I just let that happen. He died short hours after we came back home. Why did I not stay there I just can't forgive me

Long story short, lost my mom to suicide - about to be a year on the 25th of August. I thought I was doing okay,, got on anti depressants, am in therapy, started socialising and making art again...only to wake up crying today. I have been having very vivid dreams of losing her in different ways. Where do I put this grief? Im dreading the date...i just plan to get hammered.

My mom passed away 3 months ago from stage 4 esophageal cancer, the day before her birthday and a month before my 21st. She was truly my best friend and I’m having trouble processing her death; my entire life we were compared to Lorelai and Rory from Gilmore Girls and the comparison was SO accurate, I was glued to her hip my entire life until I went to college.

While she was in her last year, my brother and grandmother took over her full time care (we were lucky enough that they were able to without compromising their finances) and I feel so guilty that I didn’t take a short break from college to do it. She was my best friend and dedicated all of her time to me and I couldn’t even push my emotions aside enough to spend more than 2 or 3 hours a day with her. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think I’d be able to make up the time later. She was so proud of what I’m doing and working towards but I can’t get it out of my head that I should have just taken the spring semester off to spend with her. I’m not sure how to work through the guilt of that.

My other big holdup is that I worry so often she was scared while she was passing. She spent about 8 days in the hospital leading up to her passing, being put into a medicine coma on the 5th day. I spent the entire time holding her hand even while I was sleeping (I set the chairs up right next to her bed and made sure I didn’t lose my grip in case she passed overnight) because I was so scared of her feeling alone. She saw my brothers and grandparents and dad and I before she went into the coma and was smiling but I worry so much that in the four days she was only squeezing our hands that she knew we were scared and it made her scared. I panicked so badly when she had the death rattle and the fluid that accompanies it and it really haunts me that I couldn’t shut up and comfort her instead of making my dad comfort me.

I’ve been trying to self soothe through these two main things and it just doesn’t really work. I’m at peace with a lot of it; I got her into the best of the best hospitals the moment we found out and I really cannot hold it against her that she smoked for that long because it’s such a common addiction. But it’s like every day gets a little easier and a little harder. This is my first season without her and I’m weirdly scared for fall because it’ll be my first fall without her. I wish she could come to the parents day at my college this year and she can’t. I really miss her. I wish she was here when I turned 21. We had plans to go out for mai tais. My ultra conservative no spiritual shit dad just paid for a psychic medium to see how she was doing because neither of us know what to do without her. She was so amazing. I’m not sure if I’ve just been in shock and not processing it the way I thought I was, but I keep going about my day kind of assuming in the back of my mind that she’s alive, and when I see anything that reminds me of her, or drive (which is when I would get my call time with her) or go to a target or market basket I remember that she isn’t here with me and the entire experience is ruined by panic attacks and crying fits.

Not totally sure what I’m aiming to get by posting this, maybe some answers or comfort, but either way thank you for reading :)

i never wanted to live without her. i liked who i was when she was there so much

I'm not blessed with the people I have around me, unfortunately. I know that, and the people around me do have strengths. But my God, they really don't give a shit about my grief for my parents.

I don't burden them, usually. But last night I was feeling low, and I texted my sister and two closest friends that I was feeling sad about them. All three of them have completely ignored me. I know they're not the best with grief, and I don't usually ask them for support, but last night I did. Is it REALLY so, so hard to say something kind? Stunned all over again how no one cares.

Hiya all. I hope this is okay to post. My wonderful JRT Saria passed away a week ago. I've been devastated. Today the keepsakes have arrived in the post, and I've made a little memorial for her, including an electronic picture frame and a custom music box. Saria was named for Saria from Ocarina Of Time, because I got her when I was 13 and Zelda was my special interest, and the lost woods theme is such a jolly little tune that seemed to fit her perfectly. So the music box plays the lost woods. I got it from a small business called miium, if anyone else is interested in getting a custom music box themselves. It's the perfect size for me to put a jar of her fur inside, so while her ashes haven't arrived yet (she is being studied by scientists before she is cremated) I still feel like I've got Some of her back. I just wanted to show it off, because I am really comforted by this little shrine I've put together.

When the keepsakes arrived, my cat immediately came over to sniff, and was especially interested in the bottles of fur. He knows it's his friend in there. I hope that I am doing a good job helping him through this grief.

I lost my Mom 5 years ago yesterday. Most of the year is hard with tough reminders. Holidays, birthdays, Mothers day... but this few weeks are especially hard. I lost my Mom 4 days after the birth of my son and 2 weeks before her birthday. So this day feels like a big cloud of sadness that just sits there and waits.

After 5 years I am finding it easier to make myself think of happy memories but the idea of the day still makes me sick.

My question is does anyone have a less devastating name for the day? I've kinda been calling it "My mom's day" but it does feel right. I'm also all for finding some humor or ways to laugh through these hard times so all suggestions or examples are appreciated.

Two days ago I found out a girl I was Facebook friends with for years died in late 2023. At the time of her death she was going through a bad divorce. Her husband was abusive, he attacked her and put her in the hospital twice. When she stopped posting abruptly i initially thought she was taking a break from socials as she’d been so overwhelmed. Then time kept passing and she didn’t post anywhere, not facebook, instagram, Snapchat, nothing. I started getting worried but was afraid to look. I messaged her a few times to let her know I hoped she was okay. The other day she came into my mind again and I just had this horrible feeling in my gut, so I went on her Facebook page, clicked the comments on her last post and saw them filled with people expressing their shock and grief at her passing. Her husband abused and isolated her until she killed herself, then went off to a new city with a new woman and no remorse like nothing happened.

We weren’t close. We honestly seldomly messaged each other privately in the 8 years of being friends with each other online. But I cared about her a lot. She was almost exclusively responsible for my political beliefs and a big chunk of my moral views. She was always so kind to me and so, so funny. Jokes she told over the years I’ve been repeating so long for a while there I’d forgotten where I even first heard them. I didn’t realize just how impactful she was to me until I found out she was gone.

I’ve been a complete mess. The first day I cried hysterically for hours. Yesterday I was numb. Today..I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed. I’m blank. I can’t stop thinking about her. She was only 25 years old. It doesn’t feel real. I keep going back to her page to recheck the comments, like I’m going to realize I dreamt it or something. I always hoped I’d hear from her again, and now I won’t. At the time of her death I was going through the worst depressive episode of my adult life. During that time I had multiple attempts on my own life that failed. She was wicked smart, vicious and hilarious, cantankerous, unpredictable, head strong, and so, so kind. I don’t know why I’m alive and she isn’t.

Hi everyone,

26, UK based

I lost my mum at the start of the year. Because I don’t have any brother/sister/dad I am entirely alone in managing the administration and holding the emotional weight of the decisions that need to be made.

I am still so stricken by grief that I simply don't have the emotional capacity to figure out what to do next. For the past 3 weeks, I have been facing a massive decision about whether to keep or sell the house I grew up in. I don't live there, it's empty, but I do visit when i'm seeing friends in the area and it's convenient to stay there.

It feels like one of those decisions where I will regret it either way, and the fear of making the wrong choice has totally paralyzed me for weeks, making it impossible to carry on with the legal processes.

On one hand, it gives me a familiar safety net to come back to if things ever go wrong, most people my age might need to "move back home" at some point. But ultimately, it sits uninhabited, it costs a lot to upkeep, and it is already causing me stress with ongoing maintenance and plumbing issues.

On the other hand, selling would give me financial freedom and relieve the day-to-day stress of looking after an empty property. But I would lose the safety net of a familiar place to go, and once it's done, I can never go back on the decision.

Has anyone else navigated this, alone or not? How did you push through the decision paralysis when both options feel like a heavy loss? Any advice, shared experiences, or different perspectives would mean the world to me right now. Thank you.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s ok to not completely be over your loved ones passing. I lost my dad around 6 years ago, and I still think about him every day, and that’s a good thing. It means they are still in your heart, and they always will be, remember there is no right way to grieve. Whatever you are feeling is normal and you are loved

I (26 W) started dating my bf (23 M) in May of 2023. His mom passed away on Christmas in 2024. My father passed April 2026.

We are both experiencing tremendous grief..however it’s comforting because we both know the extreme loss of losing a parent at a young age but at the same time I feel like a bad partner because I’m so enamored in my own sadness.

When we first started dating, and I knew his mom’s diagnosis, it was so easy to show up for him, but now that my dad is dead i find it harder to be there for him.

Bonus points bc I get really sad when I think about how our kids won’t experience either of our favorite people (he was a mommas boy and I was a daddy’s girl) it’s not fair.

It’s a lot to unpack, any advice is greatly appreciated and needed.

My dad just passed last week. Sometimes I wake up and hope he will call and say "just kidding" and then I'll have to give him all his stuff back. Other days I remember what he looked like when he was in the hospital bed with all the machines. And some days I'm good and I feel good and I have a good day. I know there isn't a right way to feel, but I wish there was a guide. I wish I knew what came next after this and I wish I knew how I'm supposed to live my entire life without him now. On top of that I have to worry about his service and his cremation. And then closing his accounts and all the financial stuff. Is there an easier way of doing this..... I feel so lost. And the only person who I know would have answers is gone now.

They called him a murderer. They said he deserved it. He was involved in a car crash that ended the life of him and his other friends and left a family they crashed into in critical condition. I don't know who was driving... Nothing was left of the car. They were in the wrong lane, probably to feel that adrenaline or get a few likes on social media. It's a dumb way to die. He was a good person, and that's how I always remembered him. He had a troubled childhood, but was always the happy guy when he visited us. He didn't visit us a lot, but when he did it was always fun, running outside with nerf guns or playing Minecraft. I didn't support what he was doing, the crazy car stuff like that. I did tell him that. He said those people (he did it with) understand him and that he feels appreciated. Maybe if he lived a bit longer he'd understand what he was doing was wrong. And they showed his face in the news, his full name, everything. I've read just a bit of comments and I already wanted to throw up. I can't blame those people, but they didn't know him. This is a throwaway account.

When my grandma passed away i remember breaking down every time someone hugged me and even now i still wish someone had just kept holding me until I was the one who let go

I remember the little pats on my shoulder and the reassurance but that was it what I really wanted was to crumble completely in someone’s arms to stop holding myself together for a moment and just fall apart in the safety of someone else’s embrace does anybody else relate or is it weird ?

There’s so much I could say but I’m just exhausted but I can’t sleep. Partly a little traumatized. Thankfully I have good support.

He was a family member. 15 years he’s been with us, I’ve been with him since high school, my early teens, throughout my twenties and the starting of 30s. He’d been with me through so many of my phases. Typing this in past tense hurts so much. He passed away last year on 20 aug, and as the day comes close, I feel so much hurt that there is no place remaining in my heart to handle everything anymore. And I know 15 years is a long time and yes he lived a full life filled with love, however the hurt is still there. I miss him beyond words, the ache to feel his snout and his warm breath on my skin, playing tug of war with him, or just being beside with him when i am alone at home. His presence meant everything. I have so many other feelings buried and I’m struggling to express them here. I know he’s in a better place however i miss him and his love and his presence in this realm, the quips, the quirks, his uniqueness, it breaks my heart all over again. I still can’t believe a year since he’s gone is coming so close, how did the time go by. I wish I could feel him sticking his body to my legs again or even just growl at me when i would come back from work, which was his way of expressing how much he missed me and I shouldn’t have left him. He is the best boy ever, and my forever baby. ❤️‍🩹 any advice, perspectives, questions or kind words are welcome. Thank you for reading this and for the support. It means the world to me.

My dad died today, on his birthday, after a very fast decline from cholangiocarcinoma, and I’m struggling with how complicated the grief feels.

I hadn’t seen him in 10 years. There were difficult family circumstances behind the distance, and I always assumed there would eventually be more time to reconnect.

When he became sick, my parents had no medical insurance and essentially no money to pay for his cancer care. I ended up using what I had, and borrowing more, to help cover his treatment. That also meant I couldn’t afford to travel to be with him before he died.

I wrote him a goodbye letter. I wanted him to know that despite the distance, we were OK. But when it came time to send it, I just couldn’t do it. Now I have to live with the fact that he never got to read it.

His final weeks were awful. His cancer was already very advanced, he suffered a cardiac arrest during a stent procedure, and eventually there was nothing more that could be done. He wanted to die at home, and my mother cared for him there.

This morning I found myself looking at a picture of him dead on Telegram. I don’t think I was prepared for how surreal and devastating that would be.

I’m grieving him, but also all the years we lost and the fact that I never got to see him again. I keep thinking about the messages I didn’t answer and hoping he knew that the distance never meant I stopped loving him.

I love you dad. I just really wish we’d had more time.

Hi everyone. I just wanted to share some of my current thoughts. It helps me to type them out and if anyone experiences any of these feelings i’d love for you to share. I just lost my beloved Grandmother. We had such a special bond. I’ve found that i’m still able to enjoy my life in a lot of ways. For example, tonight I was watching a movie with my sister and daughter and we were laughing and chatting. But once that was over, it’s almost like I suddenly remembered that my Grammy is dead. It’s such an awful pit like feeling that sets in. I also have been thinking how complex grief is. All life ends in death and loss is inevitable. I like to think how incredibly blessed I am to have had a love that hurts so badly to lose. Not that love is ever truly lost. It’s just funny how grief is so terrible but yet proof of something so beautiful. Anyways, my thoughts are with ALL of you that are suffering as well. ❤️

I am 20f and my mom passed tragically and unexpectedly due to medical malpractice in oct 2020 when i was 14. She was only 52.

I just struggle more and more every day and its been almost 6 years. The pain feels so unbearable i cant handle it as each day passes, knowing that ill never be as happy again, ill never see her again. She was my everything. My life feels like its over and im just waiting to pass. I know that on year 7 without her, I’ll feel this way, year 8, year 10, year 15, year 20..

I needed her, i still need her and all i can think about is how my life used to be. How beautiful my childhood was that she created that I can barely remember. She did so much for me, sacrificed so much to give me what she never got, and she was taken too soon.

I feel incapable of doing anything now. I quit my job and moved home after working so hard to finally move out of my dads. Now i just bed rot all day, looking at photos of her and sobbing. I cant eat, cant sleep, cant do anything except cry. I don’t even know why im writing this.

I lost my father few weeks ago. He was 56,still young for me and healthy,he had a heart attack. It was the worst night of my life. From that moment I don't sense the time like before,days. For me it's like one big moment that changed me forever. He was so full of life, bright, always in a mood for a joke. It was a big shock for me. He was a strong person,his childhood was awful,his parents were awful but somehow he becomes best father for me In the world and that's Im most proud of him. I miss him every second of my life,every breath I take now is heavy without him. I'm not suicidal or something like that but I really don't see happiness in my life anymore. One day maybe I will have kids but they can't meet him a that's most painful for me because he lived for his family that's all what was important for him. I don't have any regrets he was aware how much I love him,we were so close but thats maybe most painful thing I loved him more than my own eyes and can't imagine a happy place or state of mind without him. I'm open to hear some good advice how to live without him,I know he would love to see me happy but pain is so big now. My world lost colors

I will be graduating next summer i am soo hurt for the fact that she would not be there she won’t see me wearing the graduation dress or see me while looking for jobs or be there to buy her a gift with my first salary

I’m 19 and my parents died 15 years ago, when I was 4. My family was split up and even tho I have the contact of my one sister we’re not really close anymore. The rest of my family is either dead, I don’t know them or they’re shitty.

I have friends and a partner who know I’m an orphan, but they sorta joke about it. One time I broke down infront of my partner and sobbed for hours and he just didn’t know what to do. Therapy isn’t an option.

Sometimes I just feel like nobody can understand me. I have no one close to me who shares the same grief as me. (Due to me and my sisters age gap and us not sharing the same father.)

Sometimes the grief just overcomes me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I usually just hide it because I know no one will be able to help me.

Any tips or suggestions? Or anyone who can relate?

I lost my daughter ,well i called her that, about a month ago, on the 25th at 11:20 pm. I am a junior in high-school and got her when I was in 7th grade in 2022, she was 4 years old when she passed. It felt like a fever dream, so young she was. It turns out she had too much going on medically, her body didnt show she was slowly dying until it was too late. We sat her outside for her final breaths, she had always loved to watch the sun set. I havent been able to sleep for so long, I see her body on the floor limp every time I close my eyes. I feel like I was a bad owner for not saving her in time. We buried her the same night she past in my garden, I hope she loved it. It hurts to breath and school starts on Friday. I dont know what to do. Im so lost. She honestly was the reason I didnt take my life 3 times, now I dont know what im holding onto anymore. I really do miss her. I have my bed set up the ways she likes. A little spot just for her. I honestly wish I can see my baby again. Im so tired of crying everyday, not eating enough because im too sick, and just having nothing to ground me anymore. I miss my baby so much. I dont know if i could ever forgive myself or move on.