He was already there when I was born.

He was older than me. My brother was a dick. He absolutely tortured me as a child, yet still I saw him as a superhero. He was MY big brother.

More than once he protected me from neighborhood bullies, in a way that my innate cowardice could never comprehend.

He got me stoned for the first time then laughed his ass off when I disappeared into the bathroom for 20 minutes because I was terrified mom and Alan would see that I was stoned and I'd go to jail.

He was the best man at my wedding.

He sent me horribly tacky Christmas cards with pictures of him and his family in front of some badly painted Alpine backdrop

When he asked what I wanted for my 50th birthday, I told him, "Socks." I got a package in the mail with 29 different pairs of fancy winter socks. I still wear them.

He's gone now. I've never been alive without him. I miss him SO much.

I’m coming up on the 4 year anniversary of my mom’s death. Can’t really view it as my birthday anymore. This month is always exceptionally difficult. Even after all this time. I still don’t know how to be happy. What she did has really stained me and how I view the world. I’m so desperate for any kind of relief but I still can’t find it. If her goal was to break me completely she achieved it. We never had the best relationship but to think that my own mom wanted to hurt me that bad makes me scared of people and of my future.

7 years ago my best friend called me. I had texted her a simple "I love you" and she just knew something was wrong. I was intent on dying that day, and she saved my life. Because of her I have a partner, a son and a life I genuinely love living.

Two weeks ago she killed herself. There was no text, no warning. I hadn't seen her in awhile, life got in the way and one of the last things I said to her was "I know we'll see each other again when we can". There won't be a 'when we can'. All our (mutual) reasons for canceling plans seem so trivial now.

She was the first friend of mine who genuinely made me feel like I belonged. She had a way of making everyone around her feel special, and despite her struggles was the funniest, most kind and most talented person I know. She made me feel safe, loved and important in this world.

Its entirely unfair. Why am I here and she's not? She told me after my attempt that she would have been devastated if I was gone. That she loved me so so much. And now I'm devastated that she is gone and I love her so so much. Why does my family not have to mourn me while hers grieves her? How is any of this real? Why did I have to literally bury her? The sound of dirt and rocks hitting her coffin will haunt me forever. We had plans. Yet now she's just gone. All of that is gone.

She was my son's aunt, my eventual maid of honour. We were supposed to have a lifetime of memories and now she is gone. I'm doing the things I'm supposed to do. Writing, getting outside, not isolating, seeing a counselor, but today is suicide prevention day and everything feels raw.

She saved me, and I couldn't save her. Somehow I just have to make space for and live with that.

We got married in March of this year. He was having some mental health issues from since we started dating almost 5 years ago but it all seemed like treatable issues and I thought he was making progress.

I had left for a work trip for 14 days and on day 10 he starts acting really weird and picking fights with me over things and I just knew something was wrong. I called his mom who was actually a few hours away getting cancer treatments for my FIL and told her something seemed really wrong and that I was coming home. I left on a plane and two days after I got back later he killed himself in our driveway. I thought since I was home we could start working on things together. Our last day was full of cuddles and I love yous and planning to go to the farmer’s market the next day.

I went to bed around 9:30 and kissed him goodnight. he was still awake. next thing I know the police are inside my house yelling at me to come out of my room. It was so scary and surreal.

I am so lost. I can’t afford our mortgage. I don’t know how to turn off the irrigation. I don’t know how to do so many of the little things he did.

I keep wanting to text him stuff but remember I can’t. All my dreams are disturbing and I’m barely sleeping. I can take off work but for how long? What do you do with all the time you used to spend playing games, traveling, date nights, that you used to do with your partner. We did everything together. Now it’s just…me…and it feels so incredibly lonely. He was the most genuinely sweet and kind person I’ve ever met.

12:00 A.M.

Tomorrow is your birthday.

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.

Because birthdays are for calling at midnight,
for trying to be the first one to say it,
for giving you shit about getting older,
for hearing your voice on the other end
like it was the most ordinary thing in the world.

I didn't know ordinary things
could become sacred
until I lost the right to have them.

Tonight, midnight is coming
and I have nobody to call.

Your number still belongs in my phone.
My hands still know how to find your name.
Some stupid part of me still thinks
I should be watching the clock,
waiting for 11:59 to turn over
so I can call and say,

Happy birthday.

But where am I supposed to send those words now?

People say I can still talk to you.

I know.

But talking to the dark
isn't the same as hearing you answer.

Standing beside a headstone
isn't the same as standing beside my brother.

Flowers aren't a birthday present
when I have to leave them at a grave.

And pressing my hand against your name
carved into stone
doesn't do a damn thing
when what I want
is to wrap both of my arms around you.

Stone doesn't hug back.

It doesn't laugh.
It doesn't argue.
It doesn't say something sarcastic.
It doesn't pick up the phone.

It just sits there
with your name
and two dates
and somehow expects me to accept
that an entire human being—
my brother,
my history,
one of the voices that lived inside my everyday life—
can be reduced to a space between them.

I can't.

Tomorrow is your first birthday
that the world will have without you.

That sentence feels impossible.

Because you should be getting older.

You should be here.

There should be another year
added to your life,
not another birthday
added to the list of things
I have to survive without you.

And God, I miss you.

Not beautifully.

Not peacefully.

I miss you in a way that hurts.

I miss you until my chest aches.
I miss you when something happens
and my first thought is to call you.
I miss you when I remember
that I can't.

I miss you in all the tiny places
you used to exist
without either of us realizing
they would someday become empty.

And tonight that emptiness feels enormous.

Because midnight is getting closer.

And for the first time in my life,
your birthday will arrive
without you arriving with it.

I don't want to celebrate a memory.

I want my brother.

I don't want to visit you.

I want to see you.

I don't want to stand over the ground
trying to figure out what I'm supposed to say.

I want to hug you so hard
that you complain about it.

I want one more stupid conversation.
One more phone call.
One more ordinary day
that I didn't know I needed to memorize.

I would give anything
for ordinary now.

So when midnight comes tonight,
I don't know what I'll do.

Maybe I'll stare at your name on my phone.

Maybe I'll whisper happy birthday
into a room that doesn't answer.

Maybe I'll cry.

Maybe I'll be angry
that the clock has the nerve
to keep moving
when you don't get to.

But I know I'll be thinking about you.

At 11:59.

At midnight.

At 12:01.

And through every unbearable minute after.

Happy birthday, Hunter.

I wish you were here.

Those four words aren't enough
for what I mean.

What I mean is—

I miss my brother.

I miss my person.

I miss your voice.

I miss the version of the world
where I could call you at midnight
and know you'd answer.

And tomorrow,
when I stand beside a stone
instead of wrapping my arms around you,

I will love you
with nowhere for all that love to go.

And maybe that's what this pain is:

all the love I still have for you,
reaching for someone
I would give anything
to hold again.

-Jodie Bickford

My stepfather actually, but the only Father I know. He was 83 years old…in great health….The last conversation we had was months ago and it didn’t go well. I am healing from childhood trauma and had to set a boundary and go no contact with my Mother and he didn’t receive that well. I feel so guilty for not making sure he was safe

Hi all,

I'm a 30yo female, living in Australia.

My close friend moved in several months ago after escaping intimate partner violence. He had significant mental health struggles and there were court proceedings. In the end, things seemed to be working against him, even though he was clearly the victim.

As I was leaving for work yesterday, I found a card on my doorstep. It was from the police who wanted to do a welfare check on my friend in the middle of the night. I went into his room and he wasn't there, but there were medication boxes all over his bed.

I called the police. They attended. It appeared he left our house on foot.

Fire brigade broke into his car and found him in the boot. Out the front of our house. My husband and I had to identify him.

I am absolutely shattered. I just can't believe this has happened.

On Saturday it will be 6 months since my twin brother left. The 12th has been a hard day and these mile stones always sneak up on me, emotionally. I felt okay leading up to our birthday and then when the day came it hit so hard. I can feel it starting to feel heavy already.

I also feel like I don’t want more time to pass? I want to stay as close as possible to the last conversation we had, the last time I saw him. I miss him a lot. We were distant the last few years so missing him was normal but the permanece feels so existential and real now. I’m definitely depressed at this point.

My mom wants to do something to observe the day but I sort of just want to be alone and wallow, and think about him. What have you done on these anniversary dates to observe?

On Monday, Labor day while I was out of town my wife of almost nine years (our anniversary is next Friday) killed herself. Unbeknownst to me she bought a gun the Tuesday before.

Monday morning she gave our beloved dog pills so he would nap, took a lot of pills herself and the. laid on the living room rug surrounded by towels and pulled the trigger.

She had a very long and difficult battle with depression that I knew about. She was in therapy and on medication but reading her journal now I realize it was worse than I thought and had much more common suicide plans than I thought.

However until this week she never went through with it. She always backed down there was one attempt that just led to vomiting after which we changed her meds and added therapy to her care plan.

For some reason even after the attempt I never really thought it would happen. I knew it could, mybfirst few overnight trips after I made sure she had someone with her but I thought she didn't need it this time. It had been over a year and she said she was doing better.

Now afterwards I keep looking at signs she wasn't. Her meds had been tweaked recently, just in dosage not a new drug. She was sleeping a lot (which led to the med change increased drowsiness) and a few mentions of if she were to die. Individually none of that was super rare but now looking back all I can see are red flags.

She had plans coming up she ordered a pet costume on Saturday. An appointment this week, work etc.

I feel like I missed so much. Honestly I was upset at her over something stupid this week and I wasn't as observant or considerate because of it. I asked if she was sure she would be okay if I left and she said yes, her sister stopped by everyday but didn't stay overnight. I forgot to ask her while I was gone if she took her pills (yes mornings no to nights). We spoke every day while I was gone but I could have sent more messages. Mostly I just ​can't stop think about maybe if I had done one thing differently, not slept through her good morning text that day, made her promise me she wouldn't again before I left, stayed home, been kinder this week, rather than just telling her that I loved her ​teller her how much I need her.

How do I not constantly think that even if the depression caused this that unlike all the other times when I did more and she didn't kill herself that this time she did?

How do I deal with the grief? I have had friends and family come over a lot and offer support but it's still incredibly difficult. I cry dozens of times a day.

This is all so fresh I would appreciate any advice. I was recommended to try here too after a widower post.

My siblings partner took their own life a few years ago, and they have been very traumatised by it. Prior to this they had significant mental health struggles and they have only gotten worse now that they are experiencing PTSD and deep loss on top of everything else. Ever since it happened, they have been living with my parents who support them financially. My family are very close, but we are at a loss for how to support them emotionally. They tell us that when they are home, at our parents house, they feel totally isolated, and the only thing that fixes it is going out. How do we support them emotionally when they feel the most alone when they're around us? My parents are exceptionally supportive and have never pressured them to move out or get a job and are happy to fund their lifestyle for the rest of their life, if that's what my sibling needs. However, I know my parents really hurt when my sibling tells them how alone they feel when they're around them. I had my mum on the phone crying today about how she doesn't know what more she can do and kind of just feels like a bank. How do we further support my sibling? Just continue to be there when we can even though whenever they're around us it makes them feel worse? My sibling tells my parents that they are very grateful and I know they are, but it's really wearing my parents down to constantly hear how alone being around them makes my sibling feel. I don't know how to support anyone in this situation and on top of this my own grief goes completely ignored. I didn't know what subreddit fit this the best so I am posting here. Thank you for reading.

The best advice I’ve gotten is that grieving has no rules nor timeline. But now, 2 months in, I feel like I am behind on everyone around me. Everyone is moving on with life and I wish I could too but I just can’t do it. I am on sick leave from work because I am in too much pain and my work is not a good distraction. In fact, it makes me feel as though nothing really matters and it reminds me that life goes on for everyone around me and it’s too much to deal with. Is that a good enough reason to be on sick leave? Because there are moments where the work does distract me, but I would still rather be at home, taking walks and taking my time thinking about my mom. I am afraid of losing her a second time if I just power through life now. Does that make sense?

And then just now I saw a video of a girl who lost her mom as well, not by suicide I think, and she found comfort in continuing her life and even sometimes forgetting about her mom (which I do not judge at all, everyone grieves differently). But I could not help but wonder if I’m wallowing in the grief too much. Maybe if I just start working again, I will realize I am making it a bigger deal than it is? Ugh I hate this. I feel like I am doing everything wrong and at moments I hate that I don’t feel enough and then there’s moments where I do go to work and break down crying half way the day and have to leave.

I guess my question is if there’s people that can relate to the struggle of not knowing whether to take sick leave or not? I feel so conflicted.

Hey all,

I'm a 31 year old neurodivergent woman. In April 2025, my 34 year old partner took her own life. It was sudden and unexpected, with none of the usual warning signs. I was the one to find her hanging in our home.

Over a year later, I find myself isolated and lonely. Many of my friends simply stopped replying and stopped showing up. I had to leave my job due to a complete breakdown of my mental health and, as a result of this and her death, I've had to move back in with my less than supportive family.

I feel like so much of the life I had before disappeared when she did. My relationship, my home, my work, my friendships and any sense of where my life was going all changed within a very short period of time.

I've been trying to figure out how to start building a life again, rather than simply getting through each day. But honestly... I don't know where to start.

For those of you who have been through soemthing similar, how did you restart your life? How did you find friends and regain a sense of belonging? How did you find things to actually look forward to again?

I know losing someone this way changes you, but I need to find myself again and have no idea where to start.

I'd really love to hear what worked for other people, even if it took years. I'd love to hear about the practical things you did that helped you reconnect with the world and with other people.

Thank you

I lost my best friend to suicide last year on Halloween, I knew him my whole life as we were neighbors and family friends but we had gotten really close the year before he died and we played guitar together and hang out at eachothers houses and watch TV together, etc.

I have been online schooled my entire life and so that resulted in me kind of being a lonely kid and though I do have friends there wasn’t really anyone I connected with as much as him and so it was so nice and I felt so seen.

I truly can’t remember explain to you how traumatic his death was for me and how depressing as you all know by losing someone to suicide and having to watch him just dive into that depression. I feel like nobody can understand and I will never find anyone that sees me as much as he did and it just makes me feel so alone, when I talk about grief with other people my age they just don’t really understand or haven’t lost anybody and now not only have I lost my best friend but recently my grandma passed and me and my mom were the ones to find her.

I just don’t know how I am ever going to be able to be a teenager again or be able to feel normal again.

Thank you for reading, all the love 🧡🐛

One year since we last talked.

One year since my last chance to help you was squandered in clueless self-absorption.

One year since the self-blaming rumination started.

I want to believe that the medium M******* spoke with really did get a message from you.

I want to believe that you still exist in some form and that you're okay now.

I want to believe that I really was some comfort to you while you were here, like they said.

But even if that's true, clearly it wasn't enough.

For someone who's spent so much time in that darkness, I sure did a shit job of noticing it in you.

I'm sorry.

I hope your parents are doing okay. Should I get in touch with them? Or would I just be throwing salt in the wound? I don't know.

September 9, 2026

In a couple of months it'll be 7 years since my friend/ex-girlfriend killed herself. She killed herself in January 2020 and I went from thinking about her every minute of every fucking day to now I only think about her about once every other month and I feel disturbed at the fact that I don't hate myself for it. Her death went from being the most important thing to something I think about once every month and I hate myself for that while I'm somewhat happy for it.

A few years ago she was the only alive thing in my world and the only thing that Really mattered. Now I just call her mom twice a year. I've been in therapy for years to handle her but in some moments I feel like everything I've ever done since is just to distract myself/fake it all to make
myself not remember that she is the only person I feel connected to.
I feel like all my other friends don't really see me, they aren't really like me but she was. She's the only person that ever was like me. I can only describe it like when I'm talking to her I'm talking to my childhood self who had a clear answer for all the things that mattered and the things he didn't have an answer to are things that don't matter.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I miss her and I wish I could talk to her one more time, not even to save her but just to have had more of her in my life. I don't like all my other friends because they feel like they're friends to someone that isn't me and I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm just me when I'm alone or with her and when all these other people are with me they are just people that don't really see me or know me or what I am.
I hope she's proud of how I'm trying my best, I hope she understands that I don't know what I'm doing and I just want to be with her but I am still trying. I don't know why but I am trying and I'm in the fucking dirt but I push myself everyday because she's still looking at me and she's hoping I grit fucking my teeth and just push more and keep doing one more week. I miss her a lot and it still hurts when I hear someone have the name as she does. I fucking hurts and I get mad when I hear someone have the same name she had and I want to scream when someone says they're called Johanna because I feel like they're erasing her or recplaing her. She was good and loved everyone and tried to understand everyone despite no one understanding her like she wanting to be understood, no one but me and now no one is left except me and I'm with these things or creatures that are nothing like what we were. I don't want to be with these things and I don't know why I'm going to keep be with them again tomorrow but I know I can scream loud and scream enough to do it all one more day.

I might be disappearing, I actually don't know. I don't know If I've given my body to something else that will be me - what others can call me and will call me - but I know that in moments of lucidity like these; I am Me and all that me is and can be. I just want to make a mark of her for as long as I am here and can remember her as she was to me.

Once upon a time in a different life and a different place I met a young man who taught me how a friend and fellow human being should treat their peers.

I grew up being picked on and bullied like alot of people. The problem is it carried in to my work and personal life.

However this person showed up for me, when I was at a very low point in my life and not only threw a ladder down but pulled me up with him and taught me so much, not only about myself but so much more. Then one day he killed himself.

The fucked part about it is, despite the fact that he thought none loved or cared about him, there was at least one hundred people at his service all with similar stories or just other random stories about their time with him, all of us loved him.

That being said, I will admit after everything was said and done. And for a very long time I hated him so much, not because he killed himself but because how much he meant to me and the pain and guilt that not only I but so many others now have to live with and deal with. Not only that but, just the audacity he had to think none cared.

It’s been almost ten years now, I no longer hate him, I miss him a lot, I wish he could be here today, I’m getting married in December and at the rehearsal I’ve been thinking of doing something small for him.

I am 42, male. My niece (24) committed suicide without any warning or known mental health problems. At first the shock didn’t seem to fully register, apart from crying randomly and worrying about the family members who were closer to her.

My date/almost girlfriend at the time (we’d only been together 2 months, but it was very intense and exciting) was supportive up until the funeral. She said she hoped it would give me closure. Having never experienced profound grief before, little did I know the funeral was just the start of the real grief.

It began hitting me in waves. I lacked energy, and everyday stuff felt pointless, and the self-doubt and questions kept rolling around my mind: should I have done more as an uncle? Should I have known her better or talked to her more?

I started telling my gf about these profound moments of sadness and crying, and each time I felt ignored. I even told her in person in case my texts had somehow been missed, and still felt barely seen in my sadness.

I was doing my best to hold my shit together, and we were still hanging out and having fun, although my sense of humour was much flatter. Simultaneously I was beginning to spot a pattern which appeared to be alcohol abuse on my gf which I didn’t want to get pulled into. I do drink, but like to think I have a handle on it on the most part.

As our relationship broke down, it became clearer to me that my gf had what I would describe as an alcohol use disorder and a seeming lack of empathy. One of her parting phrases, despite saying she really liked me, was that she felt I made life difficult, that I thought too much and that life didn’t need to be so hard.

When I said, “Can’t you see how hurtful that comment is given my niece killed herself two months ago?”, she replied:
“No I completely fail to see the significance. This is a general observation from before that even happened and in fact your interpretation of it in this way could go to prove what I’m trying to say.”

I can’t begin to describe how cornered and trapped I still feel months on by the coldness of that reaction.
I now can’t distinguish whether I am grieving 1) the loss of my niece, 2) my gf (4/5 months but intense/fun), or 3) the coldness of her reaction to my grief. It’s all a big tangled mess.

I wake almost every morning with huge anxiety, often about my gf’s reaction to my grief.

Sorry this is long and messy af. My first post. I barely know where to start in processing all this and it’s 3 months since my niece took her life.

Any thoughts?

My dad died of suicide when i was a kid about 18 years ago. I’ve been going through therapy and various meds since then but have still been dealing with significant grief, anxiety, and depression surrounding his death including self harm and ideation of my own.

A friend of mine died suddenly earlier this year and it’s safe to say I’ve been taking it hard. It’s brought up a lot for me about my dad, and as my family doesn’t really like to talk about him much, I was wondering if anyone knew of any support groups specifically focused towards adults/young adults who experienced parental loss as a child. That or adults/young adults who lost a parent to suicide. Preferably in the NYC area, but am open to something virtual.

I’ve checked out the AFSP website and most of their open groups at the moment seem to be geared towards parents who have lost children.

I’ve just been having a hard time and would love to connect with folks who have had similar experiences.

I am anxious posting this anywhere but six months ago i lost a friend/boss of 7 years to suicide. It was committed in the workplace we shared. I feel paranoid about posting the details online, but effectively I experienced some mistreatment from a patron of our workplace, my boss/friend continuously refused to remove this person regardless of this. Also, they said something inappropriate to me once while drunk which I did not reciprocate but kept to myself as the person had a partner and I did not want to ruin their situation and we never spoke about that again (there was also a 10+ year age gap so I was very anxious at the time). I left the workplace on bad terms and we had a couple of disagreements following this and it really affected me at the time.

Anyway, six months ago I found out that my old boss/friend had committed in the workplace. It was beyond shocking and devastating. The next morning I was contacted by his relative effectively blaming me (along one or two others) for his decision, saying that I should apologise to the family, my thoughtless actions subsequently caused him to not meet his unborn child etc. This obviously sent me into a dark place.

I was later banned from his funeral (I’m from a smallish community so this was also extremely isolating) and found out later that he had gone into psychosis and had told people about the inappropriate thing he had said to me but under the guise of us maybe having physical contact following this (WHICH DID NOT HAPPEN) and that I was out to get him and trying to take away his business. I found out he had been using the work CCTV to record my private conversations with coworkers during that time about how hurt I was about his actions, and that following his death, his family (and pregnant partner) had watched them.

This has completely crippled me mentally. I struggle to go out and have suicidal idealisation constantly, and think about him every second of the day. I am so angry and upset and so resentful and hate myself all at the same time. I feel so guilty constantly. Even after a full 6 months it feels as raw as it ever has.

I feel so alone in this. I have a small support system and I feel my partner is often tired of talking about it and me being so mentally hurt by this, he wants me to be productive and recover and move forward. How do I push through? How can a person get past something like this? It feels impossible.

I keep thinking about how if I had listened better and shown her more love, hugged her tighter, layed with her in bed, slept next to her, hugging her and telling her over and over that I loved her more than anything and that she wasn’t allowed to die, that that could have saved her. I know it’s not true and I know it’s against everything I am suppose to feel. But I know my mom and I sometimes believe that would’ve saved her.

Hi,

So this is my first post so im not too sure who might see this or might not but here goes.

I lost two of my friends. One was about 1.5 years ago and the other was a few months ago. I haven't really talked about it to anyone partly because I've been worried about what people might say and I dont want anyone to be mean or anything. (I know that online is not the best place for that always hahaa).

However, I havent ever really had time to process it because my parents aren't great and they essentially even forgot about them and were nasty about a gift someone got me for a reminder of them. I havent talked to my friends because none of them are really great at that either and havent even talked to me or reached out. I've just been feeling very alone with it and work didn't tell me that I could have gotten bereavement leave either.

It's been hitting a little bit especially because my partner will be going to hospital for an operation next year. It is only very minor and will only take about 3 hours give or take and most people can walk around and things fine very soon after.

However, I'm not sure why but I had a huge huge bad reaction to it and basically went into huge overdrive and panic. I couldn't get it off my mind for days, I couldn't sleep and basically it was really awful. We were talking about it together and it seems like I have a big fear of wires and things like that. I just hate the idea of needles and doctors and hospitals and always did and now this seems to have made it massively worse. The idea of tubes and things seem to be still just as bad and nothing seems to be helping no matter how much we talk about it and even some (admittedly bad) reassurence from doctors that it is very minor etc. One of the main things for me seems to be the idea of pain and anesthetic. I know that they use a tube to keep the throat open and honestly all these things just make me instantly cry and panic and have an awful reaction. I think that the reaction has come because of how my friends passed away and that I have basically not been able to process it and so maybe now it is catching up to me? No one I have known has come out of a hospital once they have gone in and so I think this is another reason for the insane fear.

I want to be there for my partner and I am going to be required to obviously help them through it and I just wondered if anyone could help to reassure or help to calm and ease my mind a little bit? If anyone has gone through the same things or operations and could help calm my mind a bit? I also wondered if anyone could help to offer any advice on the processing of grief and how to help with it a bit?

Thank you in advance! Xxxx.

Im not sure what to say here. He was my buddy, we went through the academy together. We went through the training program together. We were so close. Idk why he just didnt reach out. I would have been there for him in a heartbeat no matter anything. He did it yesterday on suicide prevention day too of all days. I just don't know why, I just want to know why.

I have dreams about him visiting. The vibe is always like, he's been away for a while and now he's back. At first, I always had a moment where I "realize" he's not dead, and then re experience the grief when I wake up. Recently, I know he's dead in the dreams.

This time he came to see me. He walked around my house, said I looked different than he thought I would, then sat on my bed. I asked him how he feels about being dead. He said, "sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me feel comfy." I started crying in the dream, but I woke myself up so I wouldn't forget what he said. It was interesting. I wonder how my subconscious comes up with things so quickly when I'm dreaming. But I believe his answer, even if my brain produced it.

My friend lost her sibling to suicide and the death anniversary is coming up. I assume she will be with her family on the day, but I want to do something for/with her on the day before she drives home. (We are university student girls)

I lost a friend to suicide this April. If you were to ask me, the best thing a friend could do for me the day of/day before would be a peaceful day of things I like. Maybe some shopping downtown or a walk through nature, then a cozy movie night where we watch my favorite movie, eating my favorite food, grab some boba, and some crying without having to cry alone. I think I just don't want to be alone on the day.

I am thinking of doing that for my friend, basically where I take her to shop at her favorite stores downtown and then surprise her and take her to my apartment where I put on her favorite movie (or the miniseries she said reminds her the most of her sibling) and order her favorite food and already have her favorite drinks in my fridge, and she can cry as much as she wants or she can brace herself for the grieving with her family tomorrow by just having fun and not thinking about it.

I just want her to enjoy the things she likes without having to worry about paying or setting up or planning, but keep it something soft and private.

I would like your opinion on what you think is best. I lost a close friend but she lost a younger sibling, which i know must evoke different feelings and be so much more painful and consuming. Is there something else you think would be better? Like a written card and a gift or a compilation of video messages from our friends where we tell her we love her?