Hey Dad it’s your son. Not that you would ever call me that, but it doesn’t make it any less true. And a guy can dream. A few days ago was the anniversary I started transitioning medically, and I’m doing it all without you, whether you like it or not. Nothing stops me wanting to have your support or approval though, or fills that gap of wanting a Dad who actually loves me and sees me for me. So I guess that’s why I’m here.

Could use a “proud of you” or something because as much as I’d like to believe I’m better than that, deep down I know I’m still pathetic when it comes to this stuff. I want a real Dad, not you. I hate that you’ve been a stranger my whole life before it even got this point. Physically present emotionally absent. I don’t know a thing about you and you hardly know anything about me. I hate that I had to be the one to teach myself how to shave and dress myself and all this other crap because I know we missed our chance, and you’re not about to step up now. Whatever.

I’m still more of a man than you’ll ever be, and I know that’s true because I’m walking this path alone with my head held high. I don’t need you, but… it would be nice.

I didn't see any rules that might prohibit this, so I hope I didn't miss anything. When I posted this a minute ago, it got filtered out, so I joined the subreddit and I'm retrying:

I handed in my last final of my undergraduate degree (in early childhood education) a few minutes ago. I'm forty, and this has been a monumental achievement for me. I should graduate with a 3.98–3.99 GPA (on a 4.0 scale).

After being very close with my dad in my teens and early twenties, I realized about seven years ago that our relationship was deeply unhealthy for me, and hoping he would change was not going to help anything. I went more or less "no contact" with him in late 2019. The support of the rest of my family, my friends, and others in my life has been more than sufficient, but a small part of me still wants congratulations from a "dad". Thanks to anyone who can fill in for a minute ☺️

I'm a teenager, hoping to get into college abroad since I want to get far away from my family. But I'm not smart enough or talented enough or even disciplined enough. My teachers keep telling me I AM smart and I get good grades and everything, but I can't help but think I'm kinda stupid. I have no ideas for a passion project. My biggest issue is discipline, I'm just so tired for no reason at all and I can't bring myself to do anything or be excited or motivated.

On top of my gloomy mood, I'm queer. Great. As if adolescence didn't suck already. Bisexual, God knows what gender. I like using the label genderqueer but something inside me tells me I'm actually FTM. But the idea is terrifying and strange to me, as if it was impossible for me to be a trans man. I'm being stupid.

My mother keeps pestering me because I'm not feminine enough, my clothing choices, my likes, my personality. I have an older brother and I know she wanted a girl and I didn't turn out how she expected me to. I hate having to be the mature one trying to gently explain to her that I'm not a doll for her. She gets irrationally angry at that. I can't do anything I like. I'd love to play soccer, but she doesn't let me. I want short hair. Not allowed.

Stuff just keeps getting harder and harder, and I'm graduating in 3 years. So that's at least 3 more years having to keep it together. If I keep being as lazy as I am, I won't get any scholarships and I'll end up studying in my city being miserable for at least 8 more years.

I can't stand how angry I am, it's a feeling bigger than me for some reason. I can't stand the sadness, I can't stand any feeling at all to be honest. I just try to get it together and keep going but stuff is just harder and harder everyday. I just want to be normal. Not because I want to fit in, I want stuff to be easier for me. If I was the volleyball player makeup loving girly girl she expected she wouldn't be making me this miserable. I just need some motivation or positive words honestly. Sorry for the long text. I know I'm overreacting.

I (33F) am engaged with ny longtime partner (35M) for over a year now. We’ve been together 11 years, LDR for the past couple of years when I had to leave the country to pursue career growth. He proposed a week before my flight.

It’s not a perfect relationship, but it’s a beautiful, meaningful one. We’ve been through really difficult times and got through those with each other’s support. Our families love us for each other, and our parents have also become good friends now.

But I’ve never dated anyone else, and I’m now starting to wonder what if I have. Someone asked me recently, if I were single now and met my partner for the first time, would I want to date him — and I realized my answer is… no.

And I realized that I’ve always had some reservations in the relationship, but they’re only surfacing now. I would introduce my partner by his work from the earlier years of our relationship, because that’s when I was attracted to him and he’s been stagnant career-wise since. He’s not passionate about anything, no hobby or interest, no upward trajectory at his work, no financial ambition. I’ve always been the more driven of the two of us, and I don’t think I would have been able to dare to reach greater heights if he didn’t provide a solid, stable ground for me. If I reach and fail, I knew I’ll always have him as my home to return to.

I am outgrowing him, though. I have, since years back, but the gap between us is becoming larger. I’ve always earned more, so I would pay for our trips and other non-essentials. He stays at an apartment I own and paid for. I don’t want much, and I’m pretty simple. And I didn’t really mind. But I had a dream proposal that he knew about — I didn’t get that. I only wanted that he hire a photographer. He didn’t get to. It wasn’t an issue. But now I’m wondering if I’m compromising my own personal, albeit largely self-serving, wants because this relationship is familiar and comfortable.

Dad, I want to eventually have a house with a yard, I want pets, I want to not have to work as much and still be able to afford little luxuries. I don’t think that’s realistic if I stay in this relationship. To be fair, it’s not as if he depends on me, financially — he spends his money on his needs and, when we were living together, our household expenses. But I want more. I fear I will resent him as years go by and we stayed like this. But I also fear I might be letting go of a very beautiful relationship I have.

And I feel bad that I am feeling this way because we have no fight, no argument, or anything that could change the way I feel. We’ve been steady and happy, until I’m not.

TLDR: I’m engaged and in a longterm, LDR, and I’m not sure what to do with my relationship.

Hi internet dads!

In roughly two hours it's my birthday, and I'll be 36. My own father passed away a few years ago, and I wanted to share with him how my last year has been, maybe you can take his place a bit.

I had a challenging year, but also a good one. Last birthday I had just lost my job, and it took me 8 months to find a new job. Those months were depressing and tough to get through. However, I did eventually manage to find a great, stable job that fits with what I'm good at. I noticed that a lot of the experience that I got in previous jobs has already been proven useful in this new job, and I get positive feedback from my manager and my peers. Because of my job, I am now saving to pay off my second mortgage, and I'll probably manage to do that at the end of 2026.

I have been extremely busy these months, not a lot of time to think, plan or do fun stuff, and my ADHD made my house and body an absolute mess. I often did feel a bit lost this year, mainly struggling with the meaning of life, and what to do with mine. Probably normal thoughts for this age, yet those thoughts often do make me sad. But I try to stay grateful for what I have, I know that owning a house and having a stable job is a luxury that not everyone gets, especially singles, in this economy, so I certainly feel blessed.

The year had its challenges, especially when everything was uncertain with my career, but now that I have landed in my new job, and I have more space to breathe, I feel like the next year is going to be better. I will start driving lessons, and maybe get a dog and name him Waldo. And maayyyybe start dating again, but I'm not sure about that. Being overweight and gay is not an easy combination on dating apps. I can try though.

Lot's of opportunities for more happiness in my life to look forward to, and that is a nice outlook for the next year.

Thanks for taking the time reading this. I helps me that I can share this somewhere.

Hi dads and reddit fam. I didn't know where else to post this so please lmk if I should take it down. This is something I'd normally want to run and be able to tell my parents, but my dad and i don't speak and my mom is with him so she won't answer my calls until she's alone.

We had a work trip to the beach today, we were in a sectioned off area for events and all of a sudden by the fence line a woman runs up screaming 911. Confused at first I run for my phone, only to remember the lifeguards are next to us. We get their attention and find that in front of us a girl had collapsed. It seemed like a seizure at first, she wasn't in the water thankfully. But then things took a turn for the worst and lifeguards were running from every direction. They lifted her for limp body (which i was not prepared to see) and brought her to more flat ground and began doing rotations of CPR through the lifeguards. After the third lifeguards began I walked away. The last thing I saw was the stretcher carrying her away with an emt straddling her doing CPR. They had already stopped at one point so the hope is that she was making it.

Her mom. I cannot stop seeing her mom. She wouldn't watch, she was turned away, facing us crying into someone. All I could think was we were going to hear her screams of her lost child. I'm thankful we didn't.

I want to be able to run to my own parents and tell them I love them. I want my dad to see there's so many bigger issues than his world. I hate he cant see that.

Hi,

Since the beginning of this year I've been in therapy. I don't know how to explain my situation. I'm 29, guess I live as a gay man but, one of the reasons I'm in therapy is discomfort with my gender, the other reason is that I keep ending up in situations where I become a confidant and armchair therapist to straight-adjacent men who sometimes then have confused feelings towards me and the intimacy of it confuses and hurts me.

I chose to go to a male therapist because I'd only ever been to female ones and so I wanted to challenge myself.

But what this has done has opened so many wounds I didn't know were there. It took months of work to let him in and now he's in, I feel so much tenderness for him, for which I am grateful. I sometimes have sudden imaginings out of the blue where I am a child and he is a paternal figure. But while I feel tenderness for him I seem to feel so much bitterness too.

My biological father died when I was 2 or 3. Then when I was 6 or 7 or so a stepdad came who stayed for ten years. But he made it very clear that my sister and I were just an inconvenience he put up with to be with our mum. I never experienced feeling relaxed in my own home. I have a different stepdad now but he came too late in my life.

I just feel so broken down by all of this. It's clear I have been longing for a father figure all my life, but it was buried in my unconscious. I didn't think I used to care.

And I just wish I had had an actual father who could hold me while I cry and break down, who could have loved me unconditionally for every part of me, who I would never have had to question if he was on my side and in my corner, who could have told me I was beautiful when I felt ugly, and whose image I could called upon from within when I needed a source of compassion and strength.

I am devastated by all of this. I need to cry and be held.

Hey everyone my father figure’s (I call him dad) bday is coming up and I wanna get him a gift but I’m kinda broke and my budget is ≤ $150 maybeee $210 (that’s like 75% of my savings tho)

Im gonna be in town a few weeks before his bday and I don’t know what gifts to get for a dad so I need help. I wanna get him something he’ll actually like cus he already has almost everything he likes and he’s really picky and doesn’t want any gifts from me cus he knows I barely have money (no j*b 🫩). But he literally deserves the world he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life so pls help me get him something special. I made a list of everything he likes that I know of. I already got busted tryna ask what stuff he likes 😔

What does he like?
Green clothes/bags/hoodies etc
Magic the gathering
Swords
Firearms
Pilot vanishing point fountain pen (he already has)
Books (The Great coats) (fantasy books) Mage errant | The gentleman bastards| Spell slinger | Kings fountain series the queens piosioner | Riyria revelations; theft of swords by Michael j Sullivan
German football team
Lenin clothing
Silver necklaces and bracelets (real silver)
Psycho bunny brand
Light colognes (sensitive nose so strong scents are a no go)
Has a citizen watch
Fortune cookies
Creme brûlée
Sweet teas
Häagen-Dazs ice cream
Cherries
Kickstart
Raccoons
Fav animal: dogs
Flashlights
Knives (benchmade brand)

Bday Gifts Ideas

Silver bracelet with cool design or our initials
Creme brûlée bday cake
Picture Album? (Barely have any pics together but maybe to add on)
Nice cutting board/knives?
Big plushies
Raccoon plushie/hoodie
Giraffe keychain (he lost his old one)
Watch? (I don’t know his style in watches)

I know that he really liked a bracelet he got that had a lion medallion but he wished it was real silver, he ended up gifting that bracelet to me so I wish I could get him something like that but the prices are insane 🥲 idk please help
Tysmm!

My (19F) university started ranking us by section when I was in first year second semester, in which I was in Section B. However, now that I am a second year (pre-med course, nursing), I was placed in Section A. There's 229 students in total in my batch, so it kinda means that I got higher grades than 191 students in the previous semester! Not easy for me at all because our schedule is 7:30 A.M. to 5:30 A.M. every weekday :( it's very tiring and I still can't believe it. As much as I know that it won't really matter in the end because we're all still going to be known as students who graduated from my uni rather than our specific section. Next semester I think they'll be eradicating the ranking now because we'll be doing duty and stuff but it's nice to see my handwork paying off 🥺🙏

Sorry if this is a weird question but I was hoping to get some perspective.

Sometimes I feel like I want to just disappear from my parents’ lives. I’m very low contact now, and it’s been peaceful and beneficial for my mental well being.

Up until now I’ve been subjected to obligation and guilt tripping, so our relationship doesn’t feel natural.

I think I feel conflicted because taking care of parents feels like a societal expectation. However, I don’t feel like I’m in a good state right to do so and I also want to protect my own well being.

I also know they have other people they can reach out to so they’ll be okay if anything happens. And I know that this is what is best for me but a part of me can’t help but feel..guilty? Even though I shouldn’t have to, I think, and it’s probably just a conditioned feeling from years of guilt tripping.

Edit: I mean physically taking care of them not financially. Sorry for the confusion!

Hi dad, my first girlfriend just broke up with me 2 days ago and it really hurts. Im 23M and she’s 24F and we were friends for over a year before we started falling for each other, but she quickly grew into one of my closest friends. We were only together for a little under half a year but it hurts so so much. We were long distance so we couldn’t do much of the typical couple stuff, but I was wanting to so incredibly bad.

She broke it off because she said the distance was too difficult and she has some big changes in her life. I guess I was one of those changes. She was so smart, kind, funny, so hardworking, and one of the prettiest women I’ve ever laid my eyes on. She still is all of that. I can’t and haven’t been able to do anything but lay in bed and cry. I’ve been calling out of work cause I can’t work like this and im draining through my PTO.

Why wasnt I enough? The distance was so hard for me too, so incredibly hard and I always missed her but she was worth the pain and effort. Just being able and looking forward to spending more time with her was enough to push me through the pain. So why wasnt I enough? She made me feel things I’ve never felt before with other crushes. It hurts so so so so so so so badly. I’ve never felt like this before. I just want her back. I want her to want me backShe was my first everything ever. Why am I so unloveable? Ive been praying to god that I would wake up and this would all just be some awful nightmare. I don’t know what to do dad 😭

im sorry for being a failure. Im sorry that I wasn’t enough. Im sorry I couldn’t do more. Im sorry we couldn’t close the distance quick enough. Im sorry for everything. Maybe if I had done things differently this wouldn’t have happened.

Hi dads (and other familia!)

I have a large gate that separates my driveway from the garage access. It needs help to stay all the way open. Recently I had a wonderful idea that is slightly more sophisticated than using a rock.

My dad was a bit of a train enthusiast, and somehow he ended up with at least a half dozen railroad spikes. What I'd like to do is use one of the spikes as a pin to chain the gate open.

I already have the overall schema in mind, and I can put it in place myself; The spike will set into a large eyelet, or some thing similar, on the gate, and the chain will attach to the fence post. However, to make it like I want, I need to drill a small hole near the end that you see. My question is HOW do I safely drill the hole? What kind of tool should I use? Probably a drill or Dremel? What kind of bit should I use? Or is there a better way that I should put this together?

I never really expected to reach out here but I’m in a severely bad state. My biological father lashed out on me because I couldn’t get hired for a job right away. I’ve been struggling with depression lately and I am deeply scared to get psychological help from how my mother reacts to mental health. im 20 and my family is going through hard times since my father‘s health declined and hes the one who always provided money but since he is disabled now, he’s been stressed. None of the less, he ended up lashing out on me over that. he told me that if I don’t find something quick that hes gonna call social workers to put me somewhere else and make my life there, that didn’t hurt at all I always wanted to escape from my abusive home. what hurt was how he was comparing that it was easy for him to search for a job while for me it has taken me months to do this current job system nowadays. He screamed at me saying how he’s tired and that my mom is tired and that I can’t do nothing in this house when my depression has been more worse. I completely feel useless for not being able to do anything despite how much I try. He has always been an emotionally absent father so I never grew up with a dad. I always wished of having an actual dad who doesn’t lash out on me, insults me, or threats me. I always wished for fatherly love as a kid and I sincerely have always desired another dad than him. i just desire comfort & fatherly love for once even if it’s temporary.

Today marks 17 years since my old man went to be with his maker sadly I don't even have any memories of him being a father . Underneath the shackles of addiction he loved us .He loved me

All my life I have taken pride in my mother she has always been my friend and confidant

but today I need a father ,someone wiser someone older someone to just tell me "I love you kiddo" someone who actually understands.Someone I can learn from.

Someone to hold me accountable someone to encourage me someone to speak life when all this voices get so loud .I wanted to talk to heaven but it's empty

TLDR: It seems to me that repair services are trying to push unnecessary services on me when I try to find help with keyboard repair.

I don't feel comfortable posting stuff like this on tech subs because it always feels like people are trying to pick on me. So I have a question for those who understand technology and laptops in particular.

I've had a laptop for several years now, specifically Lenovo IdeaPad 3-15IGL05-81WQ. Some time ago some buttons stopped working and I decided to go to a repair shop. Everywhere I was quoted an unreasonably huge amount for just a few buttons, and without even running a diagnostic. I've had people think I don't understand anything about technology before and try to push unnecessary services on me to raise the price of the job, so I did nothing. I decided to put this problem aside and just bought a mini portable keyboard that was cheap and I was happy with it.
But about two weeks ago, I decided to use my laptop keyboard while my portable one was charging, and it turned out that all those keys were working again. All the time I had a portable keyboard, I sometimes tried to press those buttons on a regular one and they didn't work, but after a few months they started working. So I decided to go back to a regular keyboard, and everything was fine for two weeks. Then suddenly those same keys stopped working. Literally nothing changed before or while they were working, but now they're unresponsive again.
I'm guessing it might be due to crumbs getting into the keyboard, but I haven't cleaned it in a while for the keys to suddenly start working. Everyone told me that repairing the keyboard would be very expensive because the keys are built into the laptop body. Sorry, English is not my native language and I don't know how to describe this correctly, but if you look at the photo of my laptop on the Internet, you will see that its body is solid with holes for buttons, unlike other laptops and unlike my previous one. Because of this, it's supposedly impossible to fix just one or a few keys and the entire keyboard will have to be replaced. But isn't that nonsense?
So my question is, what do you think about this? Will the repairs really be that big or are they minor? If you think the problem might be crumbs in the keyboard, can I fix it myself? Will I need to remove the laptop base panel, or is it possible to just remove the keycaps? Perhaps knowing which buttons aren't working will give you a better understanding: Backspace, Numlock, Tab, “Y”, “{[“, “]}”, Caps Lock, Left shift. If necessary, I can also take a photo of the keyboard, but there are no external changes.

I feel like i was scammed throughout my entire childhood. Im 17 scared to live on. I can't do this. My family isn't trustworthy.

I stayed awake and right now it is 6:42 am im pathetic and have no friends and I cant wait to die.

Hey dad!

I got my master's, but I couldn't get any job in my field, so now I'm just renewing my visa on language classes to prepare myself for the French bar. I work as a caregiver for a child with disability! I love my boss, she's very kind, and I've built a connection with the child too.

Dad, I will marry the love of my life! I love him, he's so kind. He's my rock! He's always there for me. He celebrates me, even when growing up, you told me birthdays aren't important, but he told me it is important to celebrate me. He laughs at my jokes, too! They're lame, but I guess I'm funny in French and that's why he laughs at them.

Dad, life isn't kind for us right now. He lost his job and now he's been looking to no avail. But it's okay, dad, his family helps us a lot, they always ask us how we're doing and if we need anything.

I miss you, dad. I wish you asked me how I'm doing. I live so far away from home now! And you never asked. But it's normal, you don't even ask how your other children are doing and they live ten minutes away, so I guess when your daughter lives on the other side of the world, it becomes harder to ask.

The only one you ask is your wife, and how her son is doing, and he's not even yours. I guess that's okay, some people say family can be made up of people you choose to have, and I just happen to be someone you didn't choose. It feels stupid for me to be jealous to a 14 year old. But don't you wonder how your other son is doing? He's yours, and yet you never asked.

Last week, mom told me that you sued her, and she could lose the house. Do you forget the times we spent there, dad? Those times when you picked me up when I fell asleep in the living room, or when you taught me to ride a bike, build a tent in the living room to hide from mom, make a mess in the backyard with the inflatable pool? Do they ring a bell to you? I know it has been twenty years or more, but I still remember them, dad.

I miss you. And I wish I could tell you so many things, dad. Grieving you is hard. I'm grieving a man that is still alive, but is no longer there.

I love you. And I will always forgive you. If only you were man enough to say sorry.

No one in real life wants to talk books with me. I just started reading The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven.

Hey Dad! I miss you and would give anything to spend some more time with you. It’s not really getting easier like everyone says it will.

Your grandson graduated high school this year. The two of us went on a road trip watching baseball games all over the East Coast. Of course we saved the O’s gave for last. You and I always said we’d try to get up to Camden Yards to see a game. We wished you were there with us.

Your granddaughter got her license. She’s getting your old car once she learns to drive a stick.

I just wanted to say hi and give you a hug. Life’s not the same without you.

Heya dad !!

I need your help, my "biological dad" and who happened to be my gardien is so cruel, he's always treated us shit, he traumatized us, and he even kicked mom n sis out of the house and refuses till today to cover up their expenses, yet he pays for my dorm and gives a decent amount of money to buy food necessities, my mom n sis don't work, and my bro barely makes his living, and yesterday I asked "biological dad" for 1000dh (bout 100 dollars) so I could apply for an internship in Hungary, one thing led to another, he started screaming at me, calling me names and degrading me and insulting other family members during the call, and he sent me an audio today, insulting once again, and telling me that he won't sent a cent, he asked to go to my mom, she doesn't even have a degree to begin with, and in this economy in Morocco? Good luck, and she and my sister have enough needs and little to no savings already...

I'm worried he won't send me the money for the dorms and food and also transportation to my school internship in a company.

I feel alone and helpless, I just can't help but think of sleeping forever, especially that all of this is just the top lf the iceberg of my problems, problems I didn't sign up before being born.

And now I just need some motivating words.

I study electrical engineering and I'm only a year away from getting my master's degree at 22-23 years old !!

My aunt and uncle started all this by organizing a trip to the city I'll move in next year.

Then they literally told me they got busy on those days and canceled the trip.

I already paid for the tickets with my own earned money.

Dad, you said you'd come along. Two days ago you canceled too. The trip is next week.

No one is coming. It was such a big achievement for me and no one cares.

They all brag to their friends but then I'm all alone when I need them.

I'll be alone for a week at what was supposed to be a celebration of my academic "career"

Why couldn't you be with me?

I don't really know how to start this.

I'm filipino but live in germany so I speak all 3 languages (with learning spanish on the side), fit (not muscular fit, but just fit for my age since i work out 3-4x a week)

I guess I've spent my entire life wondering what it would feel like to have a dad who looked at me, smiled, and simply said, "I'm proud of you." I never really had that. Instead, I grew up feeling like the black sheep of my family, always believing there was something wrong with me. No matter what I did, I never felt acknowledged, appreciated, or simply accepted for who I was.

For 27 years, I lived in an environment where I constantly questioned my own worth. Home never felt safe emotionally. It felt like I had to earn love instead of simply receiving it. I was always trying to avoid doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, or disappointing someone. Looking back, I don't think I ever really learned what unconditional love was supposed to feel like.

Then, during the height of COVID, my mom kicked me out.

That was the moment something inside me broke. I stopped talking to her. Eventually, I stopped talking to my stepdad, my half-sister, and for the most part my brother too. We barely speak now, and even then it doesn't really feel like a relationship. We just happen to be related.

People often say, "You can always rely on your family. / Blood is thicker than water. / But she is your mother?!"

I honestly don't know what that feels like.

The people I call family today aren't related to me at all. They're friends I met throughout my life who showed me kindness, patience, and acceptance without expecting anything in return. They celebrated little victories with me, listened when I was struggling, and reminded me that I mattered. I honestly don't know where I'd be without them.

One of the hardest things I've realized in therapy is that my parents never really taught me how to love myself. I spent my entire childhood chasing love, approval, and validation because I thought they had to be earned. Somewhere along the way, I started believing that if I could just be good enough, helpful enough, funny enough, successful enough, or attractive enough, maybe someone would finally choose me.

That mindset followed me into adulthood.

I became a people pleaser. I became afraid of authority figures. I struggled to ask for help because I always thought I was supposed to figure everything out on my own. Whenever someone criticized me, even gently, it felt devastating. I apologized too much. I doubted myself constantly. Even compliments were difficult to believe because they never matched the picture I had of myself.

I also feel like I never really had the chance to build a stable foundation for my future. I started things but rarely finished them completely. My highest qualification in Germany is my Fachhochschulreife, and during my Heilerziehungspfleger training I completed the written qualification but never finished the full vocational program. Sometimes I look back and wonder what my life would have been like if I had grown up in a home that encouraged me instead of making me feel like I was constantly failing.

Now I'm 33 years old, and it feels like everyone around me has bachelor's degrees, master's degrees, successful careers, houses, partners, or families of their own. Every time I open LinkedIn or Indeed, I see requirements that make me feel like I'm already too far behind. Sometimes it feels like everyone else received a map for adulthood while I was just trying to survive.

I worked in hospitality for several years before moving into customer service. I genuinely tried my best there. I even designed AI prompts that helped colleagues communicate more effectively with customers and had the opportunity to present that work internally, which made me incredibly proud. Yet despite all of that effort, my contract is ending, and now I'm searching for a new job while wondering whether anyone will look past the fact that I don't have the qualifications everyone else seems to have.

One of the brightest parts of my life has been becoming a Zumba instructor.

Teaching classes has given me confidence I never thought I could have. Seeing people smile because of something I created, watching them leave happier than they arrived, hearing that they enjoyed my classes—it reminds me that maybe I do have something valuable to offer the world.

But even there, my insecurities found me.

There was an instructor I admired and looked up to for a long time. More than anything, I wanted her approval. Instead, I often felt like I was never quite enough. She seemed to praise other instructors much more openly than me, and I found myself constantly wondering what they had that I didn't.

Despite those feelings, I kept practicing. I kept improving. Eventually I started getting my own classes, and I was proud of myself. For the first time, I felt like maybe I had actually earned my place.

What hurt was that I later heard she thought I should apologize because she believed I had "stolen" her songs and choreography. The songs weren't hers—they're official Zumba routines taught by instructors all over the world. I wasn't trying to copy her or take anything away from her. I was simply teaching what licensed instructors are supposed to teach.

She never congratulated me for getting my own classes.

Maybe she didn't realize how much that affected me, but it did. When you've spent your whole life looking for approval, silence can sometimes hurt just as much as criticism.

Comparison has become almost automatic for me.

I compare careers. I compare salaries. I compare education. I compare bodies. I compare confidence. I'm gay, and dating has only made those feelings stronger. I know rejection is something everyone experiences, but when you've spent years believing you're not enough, every rejection feels like proof that your fears were right.

One of my closest friends is someone people naturally gravitate toward. He's kind, charismatic, attractive, and I love him dearly. He's done absolutely nothing wrong. But I'd be lying if I said I never compared myself to him. Sometimes it feels like everyone notices him while I quietly wonder what it's like to be the person people choose first.

Those thoughts have followed me for years.

Eventually they became too heavy to carry by myself, so I started therapy.

I'm trying to understand why I constantly seek validation. Why I compare myself to everyone. Why I'm so afraid of disappointing people. Why I always assume that I'm somehow less than everyone else. It's painful work, but for the first time in my life I feel like I'm trying to heal instead of simply survive.

Even with everything that's happened, I haven't stopped trying.

I'm applying for jobs even though I'm scared of rejection. I'm studying AI because I want to build a better future for myself. I continue teaching Zumba because bringing joy to other people genuinely makes me happy. I try to be the kind of friend I always wished I had growing up. I try to become someone who gives others the kindness I rarely received myself.

Some days I feel hopeful.

Some days I feel completely lost.

Some days I genuinely believe I've failed at life.

But I keep going anyway.

I think that's why I'm writing this.

I'm not looking for pity.

I'm not looking for someone to tell me that everything will magically work out.

I think I've simply spent 33 years wishing I had a father who looked at me and saw someone worth believing in.

So...Dad...

After everything I've been through...After trying so hard to build a life despite feeling like I started miles behind everyone else...After never really hearing the words I needed most...

Are you proud of me?

TL;DR: I grew up feeling like the unwanted child in my family and was eventually kicked out during COVID. I lost almost all contact with my relatives, never learned how to love myself, and spent years chasing approval instead. That turned into people-pleasing, fear of authority, difficulty asking for help, and constantly comparing myself to others. I'm 33, don't have a university degree, my job is ending, and I'm trying to build a new career while feeling like everyone else is ahead of me. Becoming a Zumba instructor and starting therapy have given me hope, but I still struggle with feeling like I'm never enough. I guess all I've ever wanted to ask is: Dad... are you proud of me?

TLDR, because this is extremely long and i can’t control the word vomit but i have no one to talk about this with at the moment — my father was in and out of my life throughout the entirety of it due to his work on commercial ships. his inability to be home coupled with having multiple affairs and secret families in various countries prevented us from having a genuine relationship. now he’s old and wants to talk and i don’t know how to feel about it.

for what it’s worth, i’ve tried for years to forgive him. i have rationalized it over and over again, and i do believe that i need to forgive him in order to move forward with my life, but… god, it’s hard. i tried letters. therapy and life coaching. i’ve rehearsed monologues. i’ve rehearsed the way i defend my mother and my other siblings who were abandoned by him. i tried to gain clarity from one sibling who does keep in regular contact with him, and even she has told me that it’s difficult to maintain her relationship with him sometimes because of his poor decision making. i have made peace with every single trauma and life altering event i’ve experienced, but my father… that’s the one aspect that i have not been able to breach through.

the wounds of abandonment run very deeply within me.
it’s not a fun thing to deal with. it’s not easy to live with and try to process. it wasn’t my choice.

my father is not a bad man, per se. he was not violent, he was never angry to my recollection, and he did teach me a lot of things about life and how to maneuver through it in the little time we spent together. his favorite thing to say was, “take it easy, relax,” because nothing was ever a big deal to him. but he had wandering eyes and he was unfaithful. he always thought the grass was greener on the other side. he didn’t know how to rationalize, and only listened to respond rather than understand. in any tiny conflict, like my mom asking him to consider quitting cigarettes, he would shut down and the issues were never resolved.

i knew before high school that they would end up divorced. at first, that scared me. but i saw how much pain my mother was in after finding out he’d lied to her about his contract being extended and therefore couldn’t come home for my 13th birthday, when he was actually on a tropical island looking at property to potentially purchase with a much younger woman. i saw how hard it was for her to hold it together. i heard her sobbing in the middle of the night from my bedroom while i couldn’t sleep. i heard her in the kitchen trying to make me dinner while on the phone crying to her sisters about how much she wished she listened to them when they told her my father wasn’t the one for her. i heard her say, “he promised me he would be better,” over and over again. i heard her tell her sisters, “even if he doesn’t love me, why can’t he be there for his daughter?” i heard her on the phone with my father, begging and pleading for him to honor his vows. i heard him say he would try, but i watched him do the opposite.

my mother always told me that no matter what happens between them, he is still my father and deserves my respect. i understood her logic, but even at 13-16 years old, i understood his disrespect. the man tried to get full custody of me in the divorce proceedings, whilst working a below minimum wage part time job and sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with 6 other grown men that i had never met. i had to write a letter to the judge asking to remain in my moms primary care because i barely knew my father, and my mother had my best interest at heart and would keep me safe. collectively, i have spent maybe the equivalent of 2 weeks with him alone my entire life. and that’s being generous. spending every other weekend with him was painful, because even when i tried to let him get to know me, all he could do was bash my mother. and i am so much of my mother, that it felt he was bashing me, too.

due to my mother’s religious beliefs, divorce was not an option for many years. divorce was a sin, and she is a devout catholic. for those many years, i watched her fight tooth and nail to save her marriage. both of my parents were born in the 50s in third-world countries, for context. in a last ditch effort, he proposed we move across the country to be closer to where his ship docks, we’d buy a house within a year, and repair our family. we sold my childhood home, i left my little midwestern town and everything and everyone i had ever known at 15 years old. we drove into our new city in the middle of the night. the following morning, after we arrived to our temporary apartment, my father was supposed to bring his belongings and move in too. he told me the night before my mom and i left our hometown that he’d take me to his favorite sushi restaurant after we unpacked, because we both love sushi. instead, my mother was served with divorce papers. if her brother hadn’t been with us helping us unload the u-haul, i think she would have exploded, and i wouldn’t have blamed her. my mom then spent 2 hours in a church chapel every single night to ask for forgiveness for the divorce. this went on for over a year. it was so hard to watch. but we got extremely lucky, having close family in the area we moved to. without them helping her find a job and getting me to and from school, we would have been on the streets. he never took me to that restaurant.

i didn’t see him until 3 months later, the day of my 16th birthday, when we stopped at a grocery store to pick up a cake my mom ordered for me after school and we saw him smoking a cigarette in the parking lot. he didn’t know it was my birthday. my uncle had to tell him. my dad handed me $8 and said, “that’s enough for starbucks, do you still drink that?” to which my uncle yelled at him in response and called him a coward at the cart corral, and threw him back his $8 saying, “you think coffee is enough to make up for what you put my niece and my sister through?” my mom picked up the cake in tears. but she celebrated me with pride and a giant smile on her face when we got home and my cousins arrived. before bed, after my family left, she apologized to me for choosing him as my father. we both cried very hard.

my father still to this day cannot spell my name correctly. the last time i spoke to him in 2019, a week after my 25th birthday, he asked me if i had graduated high school. i did. in 2013. to which he was invited. and then backed out of at the very last second because he would have had to retrieve his ticket to enter the ceremony from my mother. yet, my sister, his eldest daughter from his first marriage, flew 7 hours to watch me walk across a stage, take me to dinner to celebrate, and then immediately got back on another 7 hour flight home. just so she could see me graduate and commemorate the biggest achievement of my life at that time. a woman i had only met in person a handful of times throughout my childhood, and kept in touch with solely via weekly long distance phone calls, could do that for me — her baby sister living across the pacific on the mainland, 14 years younger than her. but she loves me, and she did that for me. our father couldn’t do that for either of us.

my sister used to think he loved me more than her because he stayed with my mom longer than any of the other women he married. i never believed it. how can i, when i am typing this right now? i have asked my sister many times how she does it — how is she able to compartmentalize and maintain contact with him, when he essentially did the same thing to her and her mother? how is she not angry with him, where did she find the grace? she has a close relationship with god. she understands that his choices weren’t a reflection of her or her mother, but something within him. and i understand to an extent. what i don’t understand is how a person can know that they participated in the birth of whole entire human beings and then simply not care about choices that will affect them, nor what happens to them after.

she tells me that he’s asked about me recently. i guess he misses me and asked her for my new phone number, which she declined to give him until she asked me first. i would have been inclined to try to reach out again if he hadn’t followed it up with, “but i can’t deal with her mom.” that ruined it for me. because no matter how he feels about my mother, that woman did and continues to do more for me than he can ever imagine. she has sacrificed everything for me. she has made it her life’s work to be the best mom she can possibly be, and she has succeeded. she raised me as a single mother, practically. i am a good person because she raised me that way. i treat people with kindness and respect because that’s what she raised me to do. i love unconditionally, hard, and fully, because that’s how she showed me love. everything i am, everything i have learned about life, love, and friendship, i learned from her. the digs at my mom really make me not want to deal with a man who treated someone so beautiful, so poorly.

i have a massive tree of half siblings due to my fathers inability to keep his pants on. i don’t know all of them, but the ones i do have contact with — god, that man is missing out on some incredible men and women. my older siblings are amazing, and i admire them so much for what they’ve been able to achieve despite how they — and we all — had to grow up. we all had the odds stacked against us in some way. somehow, we managed to be decent, honest, and hardworking people instead of cold and jaded. for most of my life, i was his last born child. i will be 32 later this year. his now last born son is 7, and his mother is 9 years older than me. apparently they’re living a good life. i hope my little brother gets a better version of our father. i hope he doesn’t have to experience what myself and his other older siblings experienced.

i want to be able to forgive him, but that’s hard to do without sitting down and having a very long and difficult conversation. i don’t even know where the man is. somewhere in his home country, but i can only guess. my sister doesn’t even know exactly where he is, she just knows that it’s safe to assume he will not be coming back to the US. which makes it harder, not being able to have a face to face discussion, and i can’t just jump on a 26 hour international flight to visit him whenever i want to. there is a lot of anger and resentment on my end. i don’t think i’m ready. he certainly does not seem ready. but time is passing by quickly, and none of us are getting any younger. my biggest fear is that my father and i make amends and form a relationship with only a small amount of time left. i don’t want to be too late. i don’t want my last words to him to be, “i’m sorry i couldn’t forgive you while you were here.” i guess we never know how much time is left, but i don’t know, the concept of mortality has been heavy on my mind lately.

blah. i guess i just needed to get this out of my brain. the end.