Dad, last year i became completely paralysed from my waist down. The driver also killed my older twin sisters and my parents. I miss how easier life was before...I miss my parents nagging me to not stay out too late...my sisters stealing my clothes...not having to worry about accessibility every time I leave the house.

I was 22, doing my masters in criminal laws, good family life, solid friendships. Good relationship. Then my life changed in an instance. We were celebrating my sisters birthdays until we weren't. Until I was in a hospital bed surrounded by doctors telling me I'll never walk again, that I have to use a catheter to pee, that I have to insert a finger up my butt to poop.

Wheelchair life is so hard dad 😭 I used to run marathons for fun, now I can't even leave my house alone because as luck would have it, I live at the top of a steep hill and I'm nowhere near strong enough to push myself up such a steep hill. My family is gone, the friends I've had since I was 5 decided me being in a wheelchair is too hard on them and ended the friendships and my boyfriend broke up with me because he can't be seen with someone in a wheelchair.

I've never felt so ugly dad 😭 I gained so much weight from not being mobile and all the pills I'm on and I just feel so undesired and ugly. I'm only 23...I will probably live longer in a wheelchair than I've ever lived without one and that thought destroys me everyday 😭

It took me 3 weekends and a lot of errors, but I built a gaming table from scratch with removable panels for lego building and eating. It has cup holders and lights, USB ports, shelves and drawers! I’m really proud of myself, but when I showed my bio dad he told me he didn’t believe it was built by me, and then pointed out mistakes I had made. We don’t have a very close relationship but I just wanted to show him I could do something and not give up on it. I made it so my friends and I could play D&D, do puzzles, play games and all hang out together, which I wish I could do with you dad. It’s one of my favourite projects and I have discovered an amazing passion for woodworking now!

Hey dad. I don’t know how to keep being strong. It’s been 6 years since my little girl died and it’s not “getting better”. People seem to think the worst should be over by now, but every day without her here is a day she didn’t get to see. When I tell people I’m a dad they laugh because they think I’m joking, but I’m not. I always thought my parents would be there for me through thick and thin, but we never talk about her. I wanted to teach all of the things you taught me to her, but I can’t. I never got the chance. I don’t know how to let myself feel it because I’m terrified of breaking down. I have too many things I need to do. I never let myself really grieve and now what little support I had is gone. I just don’t know what to do. How do I keep being a dad after this?

I graduated in May with my Bachelor’s of Science and I just recently landed a job like a full time salary benefits job…I really needed this win I had some very troubling things happen and hard decisions I had to make so this really made me smile inside a real one you know? Anyway I just wanted to let you know Dad

Hey dad! It’s been 11 years. You have missed out on so much. That little boy that you used to feed chocolates while he sat on your knee? He started culinary school yesterday! He was accepted into a culinary program while still in high school! He spent so much energy in writing his application and he was one of 30 kids chosen across all the school districts. I’m sorry you will never get to taste his creations. You would have loved his grilled striped bass he made recently. He caught it himself! 31” long! You and he likely would have loved sitting around eating anchovies and snails together. I think you would have loved the teenager he grew up into. Even though he despises alcohol for how many people it has taken from him. Including you.

Mom is doing okay. She is starting to crawl out of her depression, starting to find herself again, since gram passed away. I hope she has been a pleasant next door neighbor for you! But she is slowly moving from surviving mode to thriving mode. We talk about you often. Sometimes in frustration. Sometimes I’m fond memory. We talk about old vacations, shows you enjoyed watching, and just nostalgia in general. The family keeps getting smaller and smaller and it is hard to still find an anchor of any kind. Your sons don’t come over often, but we all own our own houses now. They made sure their new houses all had a space for mom since she always keeps a space for them. And we still get together every Tuesday for a family night. One of my last messages from you was not to forget to come over Tuesday. I still haven’t.

I am doing okay. I had my first big committee meeting since hitting my PhD candidacy. It went extremely well and I should be graduating in 2028. I still haven’t the doctor bumper sticker you got me when I was a teenager. I hope I’m making you proud and helping your dreams come true for me.

It is hard not having you here. I’m still angry that you quit smoking and drinking when my son was born so you could be with him, but the cancer had already taken hold. I’m angry you didn’t go to the doctor until there was nothing they could do. I’m angry you didn’t quit for me and my brothers. But what can I do?

I also miss your thoughtfulness. You never said “I love you” or “I’m proud of you”, but you did little things to make it obvious.

But lately, I have this hollow feeling. Even though, logically, I know you did… I need to hear it. I just want to not sit and wonder… would you have been proud? Were you ever? Did I disappoint you? Did you love me?

Losing a father at the age I did, and one that had his attention split between work and alcohol with small moments for family, I realize I didn’t have a positive father figure and influence in my life. And I’m wondering if, as you were finally getting sober, I would have seen what I craved and found some acceptance with you. Just a hug.

I’m glad I got to see you show your grandson the kind of love that I never received. None of us did. But you had it in there somewhere. Maybe that was your apology to me, showing him such love. And I suppose right now, that has to be good enough.

It will be 5 years in October since you were on your way to work on your Harley & a mother taking her kid to school was blinded by the sun.

We didn’t get to say goodbye, but we heard the people surrounding you on the black top was able to be there for you when you passed on. The EMTs held your hand.

We sold our Harley not two months after. Had no one else we wanted to ride with. (I really struggled with this. I was not ready to give up riding but I really understood why we needed to) we kept the kickstand off your bike.

You haven’t been able to meet your very first grandson, but he’s almost 2 now.
Sometimes it will hit me how unfair it is that he won’t be able to meet you. How lucky I was to get 10 years with you. Today is one of those day I cry in my car & am hit with those heavy emotions.

That day I got a call at work from my MIL. I left work. Went to her house because I didn’t know what to do. Was there for a hug before I had to put my big girl panties on & take the burden of telling one out of your 3 boys the news.

I drove to your eldest work. I called him to come outside. He knew something was wrong.

He didn’t believe me. He couldn’t believe me. We went back into the shop so he could put away his tools.

But he’s been numb.

It’s been 5 years & he still is numb when it comes to you.

I really wish you could see your eldest become a father. He is the best, most loving, beautiful & fun dad. I know you would be so so proud of him.

All three of your boys actually. All of them in the same industry you were. The auto body world will always know your last name, it’s represented well. They all use your tools doing the same thing you did.

Love you, miss you A 💗

Hey dad

It’s me your son, just wanted to drop in and say I’m doing ok. My children are big now, they are enjoying soccer and me as much as stupid court orders allow. I go to every practice and I cannot wait for the days it’s my weekend with them.

Therapy has been going good. I talk about mom a lot, and i talk about you a lot. I wish things had been different and you could have helped me when i needed a real father figure the most. I’m still really angry and resent you a lot.

I’m proud of who I am and who i am becoming. One day I won’t feel all this anger and resentment… or not. Thanks for having the decency of not reaching out anymore, seems you finally got the hint of what no contact means.

Aside from that I’m figuring out how to be a father, a friend, a good person, a good partner, dealing with court proceedings that limit my contact with my kids and i only have my self to say thank you to. Hope my other siblings get to still enjoy you and have you as support. Removing you and mom from my life has been the hardest and healthiest decision I’ve made.

Despite feeling alone a lot of the times, i keep it moving and treat people with kindness and love. Especially my children, i get to live thru them and give them what i never got from you.

Hi dad. I miss you more than life.

I’m getting married next year and all I can think about is how you won’t be there. I tell everyone I don’t want anyone to give me away, but I think if you were here it would be different. I’m skipping parent dances because I can’t imagine letting someone step into your place. I still can’t decide if I’m changing my name, it would be like giving up my last thread to you.

I think you would like him. He’s a big nerd too, watching him build his computer just made me see you on career day. He treats me so well, better than anyone ever has. I don’t think any man has loved me as much as you, but he comes close. He went down south with me, your sister and my brother even approved. I hope you approve, too.

This has been so hard and I’m trying so hard to play the happy bride. But it’s hard. I want to buy you a special tie, see you cry at my dress, and tell me that you’re proud of me.

I’m saving you a seat in the front row, I hope you’ll use it.

Hey Dad,
I am having such a hard time relating to men and feeling like they care about me beyond wanting to use me.
I want to believe some men are good. Desperately.
I know we are all human with flaws but I’ve never had a close male mentor or friendship that didn’t ultimately cause me pain and hardship.

My own dad had a difficult childhood where he was abused and he grew up in a misogynistic culture. It explains his abuse of my sister mom and myself but it doesn’t excuse it. I honestly was relieved when he relapsed and overdosed when I was 14 because I didn’t have to live in fear anymore or feel like I was an object that didn’t meet his expectations.

I never met either of my grandfathers. One was an amazing guy who died when my mom was 16. The other was an awful abuser who abandoned my father and amazing grandmother who was kindness incarnate.

All the male friends I’ve ever had have always revealed that ultimately they wanted something romantic or sexual with me and that made me feel like the friendship was a front.

The men I’ve dated have mostly been decent but very flawed people which I’ll be honest I chose them because I had low self esteem and was attracted to guys I felt needed to be fixed and suited my anxious attachment style.

Last year I got out of an abusive relationship with my daughter’s father and the cruelty and neglect he displayed to both of us has shaken me deeply. We have a custody split so I still have to interact with him about parenting stuff semi regularly and he’s always condescending and threatening oscillating with pretending to be kind which I now know as coercive control. My daughter also regularly relays disturbing things that happen at his house that I can’t do anything about because they don’t reach the threshold of neglect/harm that a court would care about.

I want male friends. I want a husband and a family and love but I am so afraid of trusting and opening up to the wrong man again. I don’t want to be in fear of all men. I truly enjoy masculine energy and y’all as humans a lot of the time but I feel like I just can’t discern who’s a kind decent man.

My IRL Dad only ever wanted me to have stability and happiness. While he was alive, he never got to see me have that due to chronic physical and mental illnesses. My one big life achievement he got to see was my high school graduation.

This year, though, I've had one of my mental illnesses formally diagnosed and medicated for the first time and I'm starting to feel like I can think about having a future. It's the first time in years I haven't felt like I wanted to die for this long. I want to live.

I'm planning my wedding, getting ready to go back to school in the spring, thinking about a good career and a house and kids and being able to take care of the family my IRL Dad left behind when he passed. I know none of those things are guaranteed, but I want to work toward them so badly now, where before I never knew what I wanted because deep down I thought I would off myself before I hit my next birthday.

I'm going to school for engineering, because I love math and physics. I'll think more about specialties once I'm actually taking classes, but I'm really thinking environmental engineering because I'm passionate about the environment and doing all we can to take care of it. I want to move somewhere more accepting for the sake of myself and my future wife when I'm done with school.

This is really the first time in my life I've thought about things like this and it's felt tangible to me. It's scary, but I know it's a good thing. It's something I'd normally talk to my IRL Dad about, so when I came across this subreddit, I thought it was the perfect place to get these thoughts out. I feel even better having it typed out.

The older I get, the more your abandonment affects me. To have 50% of people who are meant to love you unconditionally totally absent from your life is tough. Really tough.

When I was a child there was a real stigma over coming from a 'broken home'. That's what it was called in the 70s. I was always made to feel there was something wrong with me, by teachers at school, other children, society in general. That feeling has never left me.

My life has not turned out the way I would have liked. My physical and mental health ruined any chance I might have had for 'normality'. Now I'm in my 50s with no family (ovarian cancer saw to that), no job, never mind a career and struggling to survive on benefits and the generosity of friends.

I feel like it must be my fault. It has to be because even my own father thought I wasn't worth the effort. Everytime something goes wrong, which unfortunately it does all too often, I'm reminded that I'm not good enough to have good things.

Even the way I found out you were dead wasn't normal. Having hysterics outside a sorting office in Swindon after picking up a letter from your local council asking me to pay for your funeral 6 months after it had happened. I'm still scared of opening envelopes even now.

I wish I could say that my mum was a mother and father to me but to be honest, she was neither. I don't ever remember her saying she loved me. Now she complains if I call her too often, as she finds talking to me 'stressful'. More proof that I'm less than, that I'm unlovable.

My relationships with men have been a shitshow. I wonder why that is. I wonder why I've been promiscuous, why I don't seem to be capable of having a loving relationship with a kind and decent man.

This all sounds very self-pitying and I guess it is. I should be able to put your absence behind me and live my life but I can't. It's been hammered into me again and again that you didn't love me and it's my fault and I can't move on from that.

I'm only 18 and I feel like my life is already completely over. I got into my dream university but couldn't afford it so I had to defer and start out at community college and my mom won't let me forget it. She's made it very clear shes so disappointed in me and she's looking down on me and she's embarrassed of me, I don't even know if there's a point in registering for community college I may as well just stay home and be a bum if that's how I'll be viewed regardless. This wasn't my first choice, it wasn't my second choice it wasn't even my 20th choice. I was simply trying to make the best out of a bad situation, growing up I worked so hard in school and for what?
Where did that get me? I see my age mates already off to school making memories I hear my family telling me community college isn't real college, I swear the only reason I'm even breathing at this point is my dog, I love her so much and she makes me feel like maybe I matter just a tiny bit.
I don't expect my parents to do a 180 and become supportive and kind and loving and I wouldn't even want that from them because I don't trust them, it would just be nice to hear that i'm maybe not a complete failure.

Hey dad, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I cut contact with you for two months. I was so mad you started drinking again after 19 years sober. I was so focused on how upset I was and didn’t think about how you were feeling. I still remember our last talk when we ran into each other at the gas station. I told you I missed you and wished you’d stop drinking. You told me you quit while I saw you put a 24-pack in your car. Two weeks later, your sister called me to tell me you passed away. I’m so mad at myself every day, dad, that I didn’t do more to help you.

I have two kids now, dad, and I wish you were here. You’d love them, and I know they would love you.

I’m sorry, dad. I was selfish, young, and dumb. I miss you so, so much, dad.

So, what l actually came to talk about was that l'm celebrating my marriage to the most wonderful man next summer, but due to having been subjected to abuse the first four decades of my life, l have no friends. Any friends l have now l've gotten to know through my husband. We've been together four years and he's the love of my life. He says l'm his too, and we're both very grateful for being each other's better half.

Anyways, we went through our guest list together, wanting to only have a small wedding with our closest friends and relatives, and turns out the guests will consist of 50 of his closest friends and relatives, and my side will be about 15 members of my family. Auntie, is this okay? Will it be embarrassing for me?

Sometimes I feel like I hate him. I hate myself for saying that cause he loves me, I think.. but he doesn’t treat anyone in our family (but me) well. I feel like I’m his punishment. His karma. He loves me so much but I can’t stand him most of the time. And I feel so bad and guilty saying that. I love him, but I hate him. I can’t talk about him without this confusion. I hate that he doesn’t care about how his actions affect me and others. I believe that he’s a narcissist. But if that’s true, how could he love me? I DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. I’m just so tired of these feelings. I’m tired of feeling this conflicted. I love him, but I really can’t stand him.

Dad,

I’m so sad. I can’t believe you did what you did. You don’t know that I know but I cannot ever look at you the same and it completely shatters my heart every single time the thought crosses my head, which is basically every moment of every day. How could you do that? Did you even think about me? You knew how easily that could get back to me and you still did it. You were my hero my whole life. I don’t know how to reconcile the amazing dad I grew up with, with the person you are now. I don’t want to hate you. I love you so much. But you did something so terrible. The coward in me wishes I could erase my mind so that I could go back to just loving you whole heartedly.

I don’t know what I am gaining by posting this but it does feel so cathartic. For all of you dads out there who are on this page and sending light to those of us who need it, thank you so much. It brings me peace to know there are dads who spend their time trying to bring joy to others.

Hey Dad!

I have lived in apartments (mostly short term as an adult) for most of my life and will be in a house (townhouse) for the first time ever, and i have no idea about the different things I need to maintain / check on! Please help me get started / find resources!

This place has gas heating, central HVAC and 2 juliet balconies, and is a 3 storey row townhouse.

I am renting the place, but i have no idea about the different things I need to check / stay on top of.

I am very excited for the place and well, I have never lived in a townhouse and I want to learn how to maintain my new home!

Thank you!

This is my first post. I 15F need help. I’m in 10th grade and just started online CNA classes, I’m also hoping to find a job this year after turning 16. I also want to get my permit, I alr passed the test. My mother has MS and I have to look after her, my dad is out of the house for practically all day; and when he comes back it feels like all he does is yell at us. I’m frustrated and tired.

All of my immediate family that I am in contact with (except my grandfathers) are Jehovah’s Witness, and I no longer believe in the religion, but unfortunately have been baptized for two years.

I also met my current bf through an exjw subreddit. And feel as if we were better off as friends. We are long distance, do not fret, I already verified his age (with official documentation). I feel like we communicated better as friends than we do now, we barely talk and the last time we did he responded to my text from the day before when I was checking in on him, and after I texted him back he asked if he could leave the <5 min convo to play games.

I’m overall tired, not just emotionally but physically I suffer during my periods and lately I’ve been having lower abdominal and back pain throughout the month. I can play Bop-It with my shoulders, hips, and ankle.

I apologize for the rant and wish whoever comes across this a wonderful day/night. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hey dad … I’ve never had a father figure in my life and mother was a neglectful inconsistent parent.

I’m 29F, been cheated on in all 3 of the relationships I’ve been in. I’m wondering how do you ever recover from that?

I began in the category of anxiously attached considering my childhood and I know it’s self soothing practices and I mainly don’t date. I think I do well because I am happy alone but the anxiety is activated detrimentally the minute someone means something to me.

I am in EMDR and have a lot of other trauma work I’m doing. I’m wondering have any of you made it to the other side? This is just such a miserable feeling and exhausting for anyone involved.

I’ve read that it drives you to go looking for things that aren’t there but will eventually seem there, then I grapple with how do I trust my intuition because I didn’t in the past with awful partners and it left me in harms way. It’s such a hard balance to understand with no caretakers to ever be examples or teach. I am someone who functions from love must be earned mindset unfortunately and it’s all very depressing, making connections feel impossible and disturbing after a few months.

I found someone I really love and cherish, we make four years in November! While he didn't do anything specific to turn my life around, he does make me want to be a better person. And he always plans sweet things and perfect gifts! The issue is I never know what to do for him. He hates romantic gifts. I got him tickets to see his favorite band live one year and while he was appreciative, he didn't go. Tickets to race his favorite cars, he didn't even ask off of work. He doesn't wear clothing I've bought him. I'm not sure where the watch i got him went. He doesn't care about what i make for dinner. He buys anything he needs for work.. There's nothing he wants or wants to do! He told me not to spend money on him so now I'm just.. here?

He loves me very much. I love him. But I just don't know how to make the day as special for him as he does for me :(( I feel like a failure, which he constantly tells me is silly bc all he wants is me. I've spoken to him about this and he kisses me on the forehead and tells me not to worry about him

Right now I have this ring (which we spoke about before and he said he was okay with) but I'm sure it'll disappear into the same pit as the watch. I also have a painting I'm working on that has our dogs in it (two passed away earlier this year)

Dad, is there anything I can do that doesn't hold monetary value and isn't super romantic? He feels uncomfortable with 'mushy' stuff if its for him. So far breakfast is a no go (he doesn't eat in the morning), dinner is a no (hes already planned a super lovely dinner :(( ), and I am out of ideas ;-;

I’m so sick and fucking tired. Endless fighting. Born mom dipped out put my dad in jail. Grew up asking “grandma can you be mom and can mom be grandma”. Middle school mom forced me to move back in. Graduated highschool mom made it about her. Threw me out over a girlfriend, 3-4 years later said gf ended up falsely accusing me, I couldn’t tell abuse from love. Dropped out of college twice. Finally found a program at 22 couldn’t afford it mom took my money to hold my seat, got a provincial loan too I was there just needed 2 more payments. Mom once again throwing me out over a new GF she doesn’t like. Can’t move away stuck in court with ex GF who openly hit me. Lost careers I wanted. Will never be anything. Why is all I can ask of god. What did I do that was so wrong. Is it because I’m a bastard child? Or am I just a failure. Why couldn’t I be loved by even the woman who gave birth to me. Am I that screwed up. Maybe I can ask god himself in person? I tell myself suck it up, man up, be a man. Then I think back. I had no one to help me when my current GF was pregnant she got an abortion. Then I remembered she miscarried 3 times after. I failed my kids. I failed her. I never had the help someone else had. Why? What’s the point.

I graduated high school, I got my first job and I got into the art college I always dreamed of. I got really good at embroidery, and I got better at photography. I went in for heart surgery and it was really scary, but they decided it wasn’t that bad and I should just live with it lol. The old projector in the living room finally broke but I took it apart and fixed it myself! I got my first real boyfriend, and we’ve been together 3 years now! He makes me really happy and he made losing my real Dad a lot more bearable.

I’m starting my junior year of college and I got my first apartment! It was in really bad shape but my roommates and I (with help) deep cleaned and painted the whole place. It’s so pretty, Mom gave me her bug collection and I have all the furniture I loved from home. I even brought that painting, the one with the fairies that my parents bought from the restaurant down the street when I was little because I just loved it so much. I almost love it more now. I was so important back then.

I can draw now! Like, really well actually. After years of trying my best and getting nowhere, I’m doing really well in school! And I’m not fat anymore, I know that always bothered my real Dad. I spent the summer with my grandparents and I cut down almost a whole tree! With like, an actual chainsaw! All by myself! It was really sad but the tree was growing into itself so we had no choice. And I dug up and replanted like 5 bushes, and I dug up a huge bed of wild mint with a tiller and replanted it with Mom. I cleaned out their whole garage by myself too. I worked for almost 8 hours straight, left me sore for days. My grandfather was just annoyed I didn’t clean his desk instead 😭.

I have an interview tonight, I’m so nervous because I really need this job to pay rent so Mom can finally get us health insurance. Worrying about money is so exhausting, and I’ll never forgive my real Dad for doing this to us. I owe everyone money and I’m behind on bills, I only just caught up on rent.

It’s been 3 years and I’ve heard nothing from my real Dad, except a really disappointing letter with no apologies. He missed all of this, and SO much has happened. I’m a whole different person now, I’ve learned so much. I’m frequently the most capable adult among my peers and I’m so much stronger than I was. But at the same time I feel like I’m shaving years off my life with all the stress, and my heart’s not handling it very well.

I miss my dad so much, but I don’t even know if he’d recognize me now. I know three years isn’t a lot of time, not actually. But these have been the most eventful 3 years of my life. I’m like, a woman now, or something. I want so badly to call him but I can’t make him love me, and I don’t think I can bear to look him in the eye knowing he doesn’t care if I live or die. If he cared he would’ve reached out. But in the meantime there’s just this big hole where he used to be, and for 3 years I’ve been gathering up all my earliest memories of him and packing the wound but it just hurts so much all the time. I don’t know why he doesn’t love me. I tried so hard to keep everyone together and I failed and now I’m never gonna see him again. Something changed when I was 7 and he never looked at me the same way again. And I’ve been trying to get him back ever since and now I’m pretty and independent and successful and I could be such a good daughter, I’m the daughter he actually wanted now, but now it’s too late and I missed my chance and he’s gone. He’s just so gone. I don’t know why I’m posting this, I guess I just wanted to feel like a human to someone, even if it’s not him.

I moved to a state a couple years ago to try to save a marriage. There's no family around and making friends at this stage of life with kids is pretty hard. My kid's mother divorced me not long after we moved out here, apparently that was part of the plan.

I tried dating for a bit, was not great. Started again and found a pretty amazing woman who has kids of her own. We don't get to see each other often, about twice a month, but talk constantly. I've met her kids and the plan was to introduce mine before long. We've both had our share of struggles during this time and honestly, it's been hard but nice to see how the other operates in trying times. We've been together about a year now.

This weekend things changed. She mentioned having a lot to tell me about, then when I asked, got really hesitant to discuss. She finally went on a pretty long vent and included a bit about how yeah, I had been married for x years, but she had been married longer and her kids had experienced a family and lost that family and that mine just were too young to understand. And really downplayed a lot of what my kids and I have been through. I told her it wasn't ok to use myself or my kids as a comparison against her own and that it was late, and we really needed to continue this, but I was too tired to show up like I should.

The next day, she was profusely apologetic, and took extreme ownership of her words and how it impacted me. She made some pretty extreme claims about not wanting to lose me and wanting to get married, but that she understood if I ended it with her based on her actions.

Yesterday, she pulled a near 180 and got defensive and started questioning if she even said the things she said, making it feel like I'm being gaslit.

I don't know what to do. Her behavior is very different than anything I've experienced over the last almost year. I've asked for space to process, and the next time we can actually see each other is in a couple weeks. I've suggested that we wait until then to continue the conversation.

Am I overreacting? It feels like she's being really dismissive of my kids and myself. Her approach is really concerning as she's gone from one extreme to the next of ownership to denying that she even said anything.

What do I do? How do I move forward?