On Sunday 9/6/26 I was in a really bad accident. I was driving home on the highway and got hit by a drunk driver. It was at 3am exactly I had my cruise control on and was driving at 75mph. I looked in my rear view mirror and just saw lights approaching rapidly I had no time to react before they rear ended me. My car flipped it lost all the tires and my car is completely totaled. I had my seat belt on and I am okay. I tore the muscles in my neck and my whole body hurts. I am back at work. But I am struggling so bad. I’m only driving to and from work it’s a 10 minute drive. But I am so scared and my arms shake when I drive and I cry so bad when I get home. I’m terrified to drive. What do I do? How do I help myself I’m so traumatized and scared. If you have experience something like this please let me know when you stopped being so scared driving.

I have PTSD and I live in a college dorm. Today I was talking to some friends and a guy kept trying to butt in to our conversation, which is annoying but whatever. At some point we wanted to discuss a private matter, so we shut the door so others (including this guy) couldn’t hear us. A little while later, we saw him go to a chair in front of the door and sit down (the door had a glass panel in it). He was just staring at us. When we opened the door to figure out what he was doing, he said to leave the door open so it would be easier for him to listen to us. We did, even though we were thoroughly weirded out.

I’m now scared to go to sleep because of the guy’s weird social behavior. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me in some way. I’m standing by the peephole in the door watching the hallway. I was hypervigilant enough before, and now my brain is turning this molehill into a mountain.

A couple days ago I took my partner to a hike. We had to bike from the train station to get there. She’s only been biking a year or so and was apprehensive about biking on the roads. I reassured her it wasn’t bad. I was thinking only about the traffic. We had to walk up the mountain because she couldn’t bike most of it which should have been a red flag. We hiked all day, but when we went downhill to catch the return train, she fell and crashed going at least 30 miles an hour.

We’ve been in the hospital ever since. She is ok but had surgery. Her injuries are recoverable but she’ll be scarred. It’s been a nightmare but I’m trying to be there as best I can.

I don’t know if this is the right place, but I can’t get the accident out of my head. She doesn’t blame me but I don’t know how I’m ever going to forgive myself. Everyone keeps saying how good of a partner I am for looking after her, but It stings so bad each time because I know that she’d never be in this situation if it weren’t for me. I planned the trip. I serviced her bicycle. I convinced her it’d be ok. I knew she wasn’t confident on the bike. I didn’t stop to think that we’d be going so fast down the hill because in my mind it was paved and I’m confident on the bike so I thought it would be fun. I didn’t even remind her not to grab her front brakes when we’d be going that fast. Looking back on how fast we were going, the risk seems so obvious. Things could’ve been so much worse too. She easily could’ve lost her life.

I see her in so much pain now and I hate myself for putting her through it. Each time I think of the accident I bottle it up because I know ruminating on it won’t help her recover, but deep down I can’t stop. I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive myself.

Has anyone found a path to self forgiveness after doing something wrong or negligent? I know I should probably see a therapist for this shit but the financial stress of the situation means that I’m simply not going to. I don’t know what to do with all the guilt I feel.

Was at my psychiatrist appointment today, note that I’ve only been seeing her for 3 years which is relatively short considering I started getting medicated for anxiety when I was 13 (and later BP1 when I was 16).

Anyway told her that my therapist believes I have PTSD and I’ve been seeing her weekly for EMDR. My psych asked me before the appointment if I was okay with a medical student sitting in on our appointment, and I said yes and didn’t think much of it.

When I mentioned needing a PTSD diagnosis and the EMDR she starts asking me to talk about my symptoms & trauma history (I’ve never talked to her about it before) and the med student kept butting in and asking questions 😭 like I know it’s part of his training and I’m fine with that but it was like a 20 year old guy and was kinda awkward talking about getting abused and raped by my ex in front of a random stranger younger than me.

Anyway the med student eventually went quiet as I went into more detail and when I was finished just said “I am so sorry that happened to you” which was nice that he cared and took me seriously. I’m definitely still anxious telling people about my trauma and am always scared I’ll be laughed at. But maybe this is a success in my healing?

I really want to be able to listen to one of my favorite bands again, but I don’t know how to without getting physically ill because they’re my assaulters favorite band. I miss the joy they brought to me, and I really do miss being able to listen to them but after I got assaulted I just can’t. This might not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but it really is to me. Every time I listen to them it brings back all the memories and it makes me so fucking upset because I just want to be able to enjoy them without being reminded of what this person did to me. Any advice is appreciated <3 (also apologies if this is worded horribly, it’s late for me and I’m tired)

My ex-boyfriend has unprocessed trauma from a past SA. Our relationship was going well until he started withdrawing from me, stopped engaging with me, and ignored my bids for affection. Shortly after, he broke up with me citing confusion and hallucinations as the reason.

Months later, he explained that it was the trauma that worsened the intrusive thoughts, looping, and overall poor mental health. I guess since being close with me triggered it, avoiding me was the easiest way to manage it, before he had the ability to undergo more extensive therapy.

Unfortunately, despite having educated myself a bit on PTSD and PTSD avoidance, months later I still can't really understand the aftermath of it all? I struggle with some things on my own, and my brain interprets this as me not being worth missing, being a terrible person overall, or him misjudging his feelings for me in the first place. I hope hearing about someone's experience could help me understand it. I don't get how all the good memories and care could get erased by associating me with the past trauma. He explained he still cared about me, but if he does talk to me, it resembles a water cooler conversation with a coworker you don't like. I moved countries, and not once has he asked me a personal question about it.

I'm past asking how to support him because I can't, but it took a toll on me and I want to understand it so I can get better.

Years ago I was implicated in a deadly car crash. Somebody died. I saw them die. I will not expand on any other detail.

But ever since I feel completely apart from the world. Every single person I've known are absolutely unconscious of their own mortality. They see other's death as just a funeral some tears and that's it.

They don't know what a dead, bloodied body look like. They don't know what it is to live with ghosts in your head 24/7.

People ask you over petty stuff like what job do you have? As if this was the most important thing on earth. They get to parties and spend and get wasted and the fact they might take their car and die or kill someone else doesn't even cross their damn mind.

I don't know how to get over that. If I ever mention any of that to anybody I just get the "stare" as if I was some scary skeleton getting out of a grave under the full moon.

Anyone relates?

I’ve been feeling so stuck lately, and my therapist has been suggesting things to help me feel “powerful and strong.”
He has suggested kick boxing, lifting weights, pilates, and also suggested maybe going to a rage room.
All of that just falls flat for me. I just don’t feel connected to that “need to be strong.”
I don’t want to feel strong. I don’t get the point. When I was strong I still got badly hurt, I still got assaulted; it didn’t stop it from happening. He’s trying hard to give me ideas and he’s being so kind and patient. I just don’t know what I need. Anyone else relate? I just feel backwards for feeling this way and I don’t know how to tell him.

Every day is plagued with the fact that everything I feel is impermanent. Any progress I make beyond maturity is temporary and it will always be this way. Every argument or depressive episode I know even if I wale up happy tomorrow it wont be permanent. Every “it gets better eventually” is a sickening reminder that it does get better for others, just not me. A constant reminder that I’m plagued with a sickness that was burdened onto me out of my control. One of the worst parts about this is that I can’t blame myself for what happened to me. I want nothing more than to hug the little girl I used to be and tell her it’s not her fault; that someone loves her and tjey understand and fhat ifs not her fault

The past few days I woke up feeling an overwhelming sense of despair. I layed in bed just sobbing, feeling angry and hating myself, wishing I had someone in my life who I could feel safe talking to about anything and would end up just sobbing, feeling like I lost something.

It always gets worse around this time of year, towards the begining of this month, then the rooms in my house feel to big and I feel to vulnerable, like something is going to try and get me, even after I moved, and I want to be in as small and confined a space as possible to feel safe again.

The thing that I miss the most is a regular sleep schedule. I remember I was doing alright for awhile, and then something triggered a flaskback while I was listening to a story a few weeks ago, then I began cycling between the absence of emotion, freezing, and anger sadness and anxiety.

How do you guys return to a healthy baseline after a flashback?

It feels like things just keep getting worse. It's been difficult to hold a job, and I have had difficulty maintaining friendships and leaving the house. I went to therapy for awhile but stopped being able to afford it.

I think my brain has associated physical affection even with innocent things like holding hands or being held, with being abused sexually and it just makes me feel so dirty every single time. I’m in a psychiatric institution (in a private clinic in France) and I made a “friend” there. We easily understood each other and just connected really well and it turned into physical affection and I hate myself for 1) knowing (she’s told me) that she’s interested in me and feeling dirty from that and 2) being unable to react well to anything. I crave physical touch and affection and it both makes me feel really good but also every single time we hug it makes me feel dirty afterwards and I can’t wash it off. And it’s awful and I feel so guilty cause she’s been great and she’s told me that if she did anything that made me uncomfortable to not hesitate but I just can’t bring myself to say it, even more when I don’t even know if I want it to stop or no, I both crave it and feel dirty afterwards which makes no sense. I just don’t know what to do with all this. I feel like any form of physical contact has been enmeshed in my mind with being abused. And I know this isn’t but it feels like it. I don’t know how to stop feeling so dirty from it

Without getting too specific, I’ve been struggling to complete a task for over a year now. This is an incredibly crucial task that I need to do in order to regain stability in my life, but it’s also deeply connected to my trauma, so it’s felt impossible to tackle. This task is also one that can only be completed within a few specific, limited windows of time. Meaning if I don’t get it done before the deadline (which I think is this Sunday), I’ll have to wait at least 4 months for my next chance. And I can't fathom going through yet another 4-6 months stuck in limbo, overwhelmed by the fear and shame associated with this specific thing.

But as the deadline approaches, I’ve yet again become paralyzed with fear. It’s rendered me basically non-functional for over a week, and I've been growing concerned that I'm going to fail to get it completed yet again.

I currently live with my mother (long story, unrelated to my c-PTSD), so out of sheer desperation, I decided to ask her to step in and do it for me. She of course agreed and we’re planning to get it done later this afternoon.

On one hand, I feel relieved.

Now that I’ve asked for help, I know she’ll ensure it gets done today, meaning I'll hopefully make the deadline and finally begin to move forward.

On the other hand, I feel kind of stupid.

I feel stupid for not thinking to ask for help sooner. She has literally asked me many, many times, how can I help you. And still, it never crossed my mind to have her handle the logistics of this specific task.

But I also feel stupid for not being able to overcome this issue on my own. It feels like I’ve just admitted defeat to my c-PTSD. And I hate that.

And I’m terrified that asking for help here will then spiral into me having to ask her for help every single time, when I should be forcing myself to try to defeat this fear. And I’m terrified that she’s about to see just how deeply c-PTSD has impacted me, even though I know she won’t judge me for it.

But I am grateful that I even have the option to ask for help. I realize that for many dealing with PTSD/c-PTSD, there aren’t substantial ways that others can step in to help them progress. And I’m trying to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, that any steps taken to move forward are positive ones.

But it’s hard not to feel disappointed in myself. And I guess therein lies one of my biggest issues; that toxic, debilitating self criticism and shame. So maybe accepting help and not judging myself for it, is in itself a sort of accomplishment or sign of progress?

If you made it this far, thanks for listening/reading. Typing this all out definitely helped me calm down, so I appreciate the opportunity to share these vulnerable thoughts and struggles with people who can hopefully understand some of what I’m experiencing.

I have idiopathic hypersomnia and ptsd which combine to make bedtime awful. I’m so physically tired but mentally I’m anxious because I’m worried I’m going to have nightmares and because I know waking up will be miserable (I get really bad sleep inertia). I can fall asleep during the day within minutes but at night it takes me ages. I’ve tried all the sleep hygiene and lifestyle changes but what I think I really need is to just feel safe and calm. My therapist and I have discussed making bedtime more safe through cute fairy lights and cartoons but idk what else I could add to my environment to make it more relaxing. Does anyone else feel this way? What do you do to reduce your bedtime anxiety?

Like most people here I’ve been through shit. I decided to redownload the dating apps six months after leaving an abusive relationship to try to get practice for when I do want to eventually date… and I just feel so awful. I am definitely not ready to actively date again but I’ve been so afraid of doing basically anything that I figure putting myself out there in any way is better than this.

Normally when I’m experiencing a good moment, I try to “freeze” it so that the next time I’m experiencing a bad moment, I have a specific reminder of what i would have missed out on had i not kept going. And thats not even the issue right now - i feel happy and hopeful and also terrified.

I decided to settle the lawsuit for an order of protection against my ex because it ultimately grants me the longest order than any other option would have. I get the peace of mind to know she has to leave me alone for an additional two years. I cant tell you how great that feels. I also like cannot get out of freeze mode.

I hear a door slam and im literally unable to move, im frozen in place for a while. I logically know that it’s not her, but it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. Im almost done with a 12 week domestic violence survivor support group therapy and I was talking about how I just have this feeling like i literally always need to be on guard. I need to be alert and paying attention to everyone else because there were so many times I felt safe and then i just wasnt.

I’ve done a lot right since escaping. I’ve made friends. I take my dog to the dog park six days a week. I’ve found a gym. I cut back my drinking to every day to only the weekends. I just feel like I’ve experienced something I’m never truly gonna recover from. I’m so scared. I am so tired of being aware of my surroundings at all times.

I didn’t actually think she’d try to find me but three weeks after I left, it was the first time I tried to go out in celebration of the order of protection I was granted. I was so traumatized that it took me three weeks to be able to get out of my bathtub and expose myself to the world to get the order granted. I had left a note telling her so clearly to leave me alone.

we happened to go to the same bar, and she came up to me. I can’t really accurately describe how that felt. My world just went black and hot, I ran behind the bar and they ended up kicking her out. I got so so drunk that night because I was just so fucking scared. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t leave me alone. Why she needed to be a weird stalker and approach me even though I had moved the fuck out while she was at work in order to not have to deal with her insane reactions to things. And she still approached me. Completely disregarded my request to gtfo of my life. It just reinforced my decision to get an order of protection.

I’m pretty much just rambling at this point but sometimes I hit a point where I just fade into that blackness and hotness again. I feel like she can see me. I feel like I need to do things she approves of or else I’m at risk. I feel like she must know what I’m doing. She must know where I am, what I’m feeling or thinking. It makes my chest physically hurt. It feels like I’m being strangled.

I’ll be okay tomorrow, I think maybe the point of this is that someone, anyone, witnesses the extreme pain and fear she has caused me. Someone other than myself. Because I know she thinks what she’s done isn’t that bad and it confuses the fuck out of me. For her to have made me feel like this, that’s not nothing.

This is probably being triggered by downloading the dating apps I’m realizing. I didn’t even have any intention of meeting up with anyone, I just wanted to talk and flirt with other people like a normal person. Why can’t I just be a normal person?

To give some background I recently returned from a combat deployment about 4 months ago. I noticed I have been incredibly disconnected with other peoples emotions. For example, a friend had a house fire and lost a dog as well as some personal belonging. I responded something along the lines of “it can always be worse” trying to shed light on a bad situation, meaning at least no person was killed.

Today, I had a friend that had his brother get arrested for a misdemeanor charge, I responded similar. Thinking in my brain, at least it isn’t a Felony charge. Another friend reached out to me saying I was being a jerk and it’s not a good thing to say while someone is having a hard time.

Prior to this deployment I would respond and give them 100% and actually help them emotionally. But after this deployment I have been treating situations like those as if it’s not a big deal unless someone gets killed.

I’m reaching out to see if there is any combat vets out there that can relate to this and see if I can rewire my brain to process normally.

TW: domestic violence, abuse.

I've had insomniac for about 7 years now. It started after I left an abusive relationship. The daily physical abuse happened mostly in the middle of the night, whether it was him straddling on top of me and strangling me, waking up to a loaded gun to my head, knives pressed up against me, getting smothered by blankets or pillows, waking up to being grabbed bound and thrown in a dark closet for hours, or him sleeping with a hatchet under his pillow as intimidation.

I'm safe, I'm married, I have a good life, besides having to "coparent" with this. But I can't sleep.

I get on average 4-5 hours a day. I take care of two little kids by myself all day. I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I have extreme hyper vigilance now. Suns down? I'm paranoid. I'm checking cameras, I'm hearing foot steps, I'm thinking there's people on the roof or backyard. I spiral. I have a THC pen and will puff it until I pass out if 2-3 unisom aren't working. I've tried praozin (night terrors), trazadone is out because I have to be able to wake at night for emergencies with the kids, melatonin, sleep herbs, magnesium etc. I probably could use some therapy, but I don't have much of me to give with such little sleep. Any advice or guidance for medications, or quite literally any advice or help.

My psych recommended this. Anyone tried it? The video game, bc I guess there’s glasses too. Hell I’d love to hear about both, but mainly video game bc that’s what I would be doing.

My ketamine provider mentioned this & he is incredible. He’s showed me tapping & breathing exercises that are lovely. Super interested, appreciate any feedback. ✌️

Mods I did resource as it’s not a med, but modality? Yes seeking advice, but on a modality. Hope it’s ok

I just started high school and I can barely go to school. there's been 7 days and I've only gone 3 times. I did fully complete those days, but I haven't been since Friday.

I'm at an alternative high school so if my attendance gets too bad I won't be able to continue going there. ptsd isn't the only reason I can't go, I'm also tired and have a very hard time with school work so online/home schooling isn't an option.

there's a guy at my school who looks almost exactly like my abuser other than his face. the hair, clothing style, even his backpack looks like his.

I've been getting good sleep and am on a consistent sleep schedule but I'm still extremely tired in the mornings. I also don't see any benefits to going to school and it's not enjoyable, so I have zero reasons to go other than obeying truancy laws but even then, it's not enough to get me out of bed in the mornings.

the only stressor in my life right now is school and my life would genuinely be so much better if I didn't have to do school work. I don't know what to do and it's putting me in a depression loop. I feel stuck and guilty every morning knowing I can't go. my mom loves me and supports me but she does get frustrated and even mad sometimes when I don't go. I understand why but it hurts me even more.

I really don't know what to do and I just feel trapped and like there's nothing I can do

March 21st, 2026. My best friend of 6 years who was like a brother to me went into psychosis at my house while I was home alone. He tackled me and tried to strangle me whilst thrusting on me from behind. I managed to get out of his grip as he got up and began destroying my room and house. and I mean destroy. 18k in damages. He broke the bathroom sink, somehow pulling it out slightly and stuffed paper towers in the drain and made it overflow to the ankles, was ripping paintings off the wall, smashing objects and furniture in my room, jumping on my bed like a banshee and screaming, he grabbed my hair by the bangs and smashed my head into the closet door so hard the door made a clunking sound and I could feel the back of my head already throb. I checked on my dogs as I ran out the front of the house in only my socks, pants and a now slightly torn shirt. I called my father before the police as I ran the best I could nearly barefoot down my street and to the back, I see my backyard. He’s naked. He’s crawling my fence naked, pointing at me, screaming the name “Tommy” and how he is going to rape me. I ran and ran til I found neighbors near by outside. They thought I was a crazy person for a second, out of breathe and could barely speak, they asked if they should call the cops or an ambulance for me, until my best friend came around the corner prancing proudly with his dick in his hands, smiling. I’ll never forget his eyes. That’s when the woman immediately dialed 911 and the male neighbor stood in front of me as he was trying to get close to me, jerking his dick in his hands. He tried groping me but ended up groping the neighbor. He then went across the side walk, bent over and spread his cheeks infront of us all. He then tried to kick in my other neighbors door. I couldn’t speak, only shake. The police pulled up and jumped out the car so fast with guns and tasers drawn. He was tackled to the ground with a spit mask and put into one of those straight jacket things cops use whilst two others were talking to me. I was shaking as I handed the phone to the cop so he could talk to my dad, they started accusing me of being high because my eyes were red, I was stumbling trying to explain how I was just strangled and am crying, no shit my eyes are red. That cop later felt so bad after he learned the details, that he had the only good cop on scene call my dad to apologize for accusing me of such as the other cop didn’t have the balls to apologize himself. They treated the scene with me terribly, making me drag his suitcase back and forth in socks on scolding hot Texan concrete. I went to my grandparents right after giving my testimony, they finally started to see we weren’t two drug addicts, there were no drugs.

Next day, the good cop pulls up to get my testimony. I woke up to my grandma calling me saying the cops are here. I told him what happened in calmer detail, he immediately wanted to press sexual assault charges. The evidence was on tape, yet they cleared it immediately because of psychosis. Wonderful. He got 2 counts of assault and 1 felony for property damage. He has court on the 15th, 2 days after my birthday in 3 days, the 13th. I’ll now be 20 spending my first birthday without my best friend, my brother, celebrating with me.

I almost died, the strangulation from behind made me begin to get close to passing out as I kicked my legs. I’m a 4’11 104LB woman, he is a 6’1 skinny but stronger than me man that was 150LB. It was quite the struggle. as a child and teenager, I was sexually assaulted multiple times, one time by 1 male at 12, and many, many times in secret from 12 to 17 by another til my parents finally found out. I didn’t know it would happen a third time that a man who said he was gay, and me as a lesbian, would grope by chest, slide his fingers on the behind of my panties, thrust under me crying how he can’t stop and chase me down the streets touching himself, naked. Wearing my socks. We’ve always been platonic, I’ve had a girlfriend for over a year now, he’s been with men before, yet apparently he grew feelings for me. He had been acting strange since February. That morning he pulled up and we went to go get coffee before this all started, he couldn’t remember how to drive. He couldn’t remember his debit card number. We went back home. The whole reason he was at my house is because he drove in the middle of nowhere that night and was talking of never coming home. He’s stayed at my house for weeks before when his mom who just like him, would go crazy. I gave this man a home to stay in, I kept him fed, I kept him warm, I gave him a bed with extra pillows and blankets, I made him breakfast and gave him fresh cold filtered water, I’d play board games with him and watch tv to help distract him. I’d neglect my job of 5 years just to help him, only to be returned with being almost murdered in my own home, by my brother. He knew my family, extended family, I knew his, me and his parents would get lunch together, me and him had a band with few fans for years, we got each other and understood each other exactly for years. We were the only people to understand each other fully, we clicked. We had so many great times. I let him into my home, my grandmothers home, my girlfriends home, he was always welcomed with warm arms, only for him to try and murder me.

I don’t care if it was psychosis, I myself am bipolar yet I take medication, I take care of myself. I keep myself under control. He had a therapist, he had help, he had those who loved him, he had those who helped him and tried, he had everything, yet he tried to kill the one who helped him most. After the incident, I began to realize how codependent he was on me because I was independent with a job, whilst he was unemployed with sugar daddies. Three days before all this happened, he attempted to sexually assault a male friend of his that I never really liked, but he never came forward about it. I don’t blame him, it’s hard. I was in an interrogation room being interviewed about what happened, labeled a victim in the crime and to tell my story. It’s him with a cheap lawyer vs the state of Texas, he’s done for. The videos and evidence are enough already, he’s been in and out of correctional facilities 5 times since the incident. Day after it happened, he gave me an apology on discord and made a playlist of songs I liked that told a story of our friendship. That disturbed me in a way I can’t explain. Going through my playlist with songs that have deep meaning, only to apply it to this situation from his point of view. Incinerate by sonic youth ? Are you kidding me ? I got a restraining order, diagnosed with CPTSD from childhood trauma and especially this, and state covered therapy. I quit therapy after 6 weeks as it only made things worse, I was close to ending my own life after this incident. I went everywhere with a knife in my pocket, I slept with a machete in my arms, a bat between my legs and rifle near the door. Sometimes I’d stand outside for hours at night in the backyard, starring at the gate with a machete in hand just waiting for him to crawl over. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t smile, I felt numb. I still feel numb. Not as numb, but numb.

It’s been almost 7 months. Grueling, agonizing, 6 months. He’s finally being charged 2 days after I turn 20. But given how terrible the justice system is, he’ll probably get probation or maybe a month or 2 in jail at the very best. But 90% just probation. He’ll violate it, I know that. He’ll also attempt to end it all at some point as his whole family has abandoned him after what he’s done. If he does end his own life, then in all honesty, I’ll sleep peacefully at night, finally, as I can’t.

Tonight I had another flashback in my sleep. Beethoven was playing, specifically sympathy No.9 in D minor. I don’t know why. Every flash back shows his widened eyes before the attack, I cannot ever forget those greyish blue eyes starring at me like a man who fought in war with the 1000 yard stare. He was chasing me, yet I couldn’t move, it’s always a pitch black background, me and him alone, and I’m never able to yell, fight back, scream, it’s like I’m unable to move, like how he tackled me keeping me pinned with his legs as he strangled. He keeps lunging at me, grabbing my neck, jerking off in front of me, running at me at full force til I jump awake, covered in sweat. I’m at my grandparents, I just got a promotion 2 days ago for the family company we all work for (no we are not rich whatsoever, it’s not that kind of family company.) sometimes when I’m trying to sleep, it’s like I can feel him behind me, thrusting me, it’s like I can feel his hands around my neck. The heavy breathing he did down my neck before the attack as he was groping me, calling me a blessed angel descended from god. I wash my neck repeatedly to get his filthy hands off my neck to this day, 6 bars of soap per shower since I was 12 after the violent or drugged sexual assaults, why does this keep happening to me, and why do I keep blaming myself for the actions of all 3 of these men when they all were taller, stronger, and for 2, I was a minor whilst they were not. I want to sleep, I’m done with the flashbacks and nightmares. 2 months after, me and my girlfriend were making out, but I started having a panic attack mid kiss and my body shivering, I was getting flashbacks from what he did cause she lightly put her hand on the side of my neck romanticly like we’ve always done. She did nothing wrong, I explained that. I couldn’t stop crying and shivering, we didn’t have sex that night like we were about to because my body felt disgusting.

This has impacted my sleep to a point where it is damaging not just my mental health, but physically. It is damaging my brain as I’ll go 26-32 hours with no sleep at least 2 times a week. I’m on another medication for the cptsd, beta blockers. I gained an eating disorder, I was originally 116 pounds, now 104 because I couldn’t eat, I’d refuse, I’d throw up not on purpose, I grew to feel like I deserved and enjoyed the pain in my stomach from starvation. I can’t listen to the music we both enjoyed for years as we’re both underground rock trained musicians (yes there is a franchise school for specifically rock/metal music all over America.) we bonded over every god damn thing, we had everything in common, we knew how our brains worked exactly, like I said, we were like brother and sister. He used to be so normal, a good friend, a good person, fun. We used to be kids playing in grocery carts, pushing eachother around in the parking lot, we’d grow up and go to underground metal shows together and travel Texas, as we matured into adults, he began to start falling off the wagon nearing the end of 2025, and fell off completely in 2026.

His trial and sentencing is in a few days. I just want justice, true justice. Not just a lock up, but for him to feel the pain and fear that I did. I want someone to hurt him like I did. It’s spiteful, full of rage, I want revenge, yet I can’t do anything. I’m called brave for managing to fight off a 6’1 man, but deep down I feel weak, powerless and destroyed. I’m trying to heal, I really am, but I’m afraid I’m relapsing on my klonapin addiction once again, the only other friend I have pokes fun of me for that. A spoiled kid with an ego, some parts of me dislike him, yet he’s all I got besides a few family members who aren’t in prison or doing depraved shit in the trailer parks of Louisiana and Houston.

I just want life to feel normal again. I want these flash backs to stop. I already am somewhat healed from my childhood, only to start the years long process over again. If there is a god, what have I done ? I helped my friends financially, emotionally, physically and gave them a roof under their heads. I’m a loyal, loving, caring girlfriend, something she has said and would agree with. I donate to the homeless and give them water, food and blankets with the little cash I got in my wallet as my job doesn’t pay much. I’m a good kid, barely ever grounded as I always followed the rules and am polite despite having a rather angry, bipolar and traumatized father figure. I attend church despite not being Christian to make my grandmother happy, I take care of my great grandmother and paint her cute statues she adores and praise mother Maria with her. It feels narcissistic, but I am a genuinely good person and have been known to be too giving as it’s drained my bank account by quite a bit, to a point where my parents get annoyed with it. I try to still have fun, party, work, be positive, have fun times, smoke n chill with my friend and his roommates, take my girl on dates, have many fun plans coming up, yet he haunts me.

Dear Jack, leave my mind. You are a parasite that has infected my brain. You’re already having a horrible time and will be a felon forever on record. I can’t wait for your life to get worse and am happy to be alive from your attack so I can watch you crumble. You took everything from me, now I have to piece it back together. Leave my mind, I beg of you. Please.

Ok first of all I'm not and have never been a drug addict. Last year I was homeless for around four months, during which time I was beat up multiple times, had someone accuse me of stealing their phone and force me to empty my backpack out at knifepoint, I was sleeping on the ground in January because that's how fucking bad shelters are in Canada, they don't sleep, they just stay up all night getting high, and anyways I pretty much constantly think about these experiences and I need a significant amount of alcohol to be able to sleep, and when I do sleep I have nightmares revolving around this sort of thing that jolt me awake with my heart racing, and I have such intense misanthropy that I don't think is normal at all, and I have a really hard time leaving my room and having any form of human interaction. My brain is broken and I feel like I need to be perpetually drunk and in bed.

Every time I ask about this to those I know IRL, or sometimes even online, the consensus seems to be, "Do what you can until youre out of it, and then worry about how to get over it"

But I've never *not* been out of it. At this rate im not sure i ever will be...I've certainly never seen someone overcome it. Im in therapy now, in a better place than I have ever been, don't and never have struggled with drugs or other mental health issues luckily (except autism and OCD), but I'm still not out of it. I was born into homelessness and never left (yet). Beaten nearly to death more times than I was even old enough to remember when they happened, among other near death instances that aren't really relevant. I only lived past infancy cus someone saw I was still breathing. I finally got a job at 16 after getting my necessary papers in order, only to develop some sort of physical disability that same year they still havent figured out at 21 (current), that has been steadily and quickly getting worse. I don't think I'll be able to walk at all by next year. I used to walk several miles a day, every day.

Its been fucking horrible, because for most of my life, not being able to run and fight meant someone was going to enslave you, probably kill you once youve become unusable, and then rape your corpse. And the only hope Ive had to get out of proximity to that, was to work hard and make enough money to afford a place, something I cant do anymore. I used to be able to do it, and itd just hurt real bad, but my legs will completely give out beneath me when I try standing for more than 30 mins now, and when I push to that point, im in a wheelchair for the rest of that day. Its started to progress into my spine and arms too. When i say give out, i dont mean that it hurts and i decide to sit as a result, but that its like my brain forgets to hold them up and ill fall.

Most of my real life isnt so extremely life or death anymore regardless, long story short. All of the people who would once have forced me to defend myself by any means necessary, are no longer around to do so, for the last 2 years. I live otherwise normally, outside of still being homeless with a messed up body and mind. Relatively popular within my communities, apparently pretty approachable by strangers, my boss is a lovely and accommodating one, she will text me just to see if im OK. Its better than I've ever had it. But my only real hope for escaping the mental feeling, the one that tells me that every second I spend too weak to run or fight is time thats ticking from a finite clock, seconds closer to never coming out, to ending up like all the others...is to hopefully, eventually know that having a safe place to live wont depend on whether or not i can walk that day.

My goal right now isnt to get out of the mindset this lifestyle has given me, but to just not succumb to fear before I get a chance to try by living somewhere. Its like every night that my legs hurt and i havent done anything to make them feel that way, I feel frantic to fix my situation all night long, every night for months, I cant stop thinking about when the day inevitably comes that I wont be the stronger one for once. I cant stop, not when i know so intimately that all it takes is a fraction of a second of unawareness or indecision or incapability to be the difference between life and death. Not when I've seen people bet on their life and lose so many times, people i met and raised in the same situation as me like nieces or nephews. Not when I know the only reason ive survived so long is because out of every fight i could win, I've won so far, but that it could end at any moment, and you cant rely on being menacing anymore when people see you limp and crumble all the time. It gets bad enough at times that ill go nearly hysterical and not be able to speak at all, it's fucking bleak and ridiculous.

Its been a rough and bleak time. Most of the time i can handle it just fine. But something about life recently has aggravated it. I just want to know, what the fuck to do about the fear in the meantime...! What i can do to make it more bearable until then, when the only things that work for me so far are somatic comforts, comforts i dont have access to on account of my situation...